Did SHE cheat on me?? was it unfaithful?

[Buglemn]

Did SHE cheat on me?? was it unfaithful? Have thought about these questions for couple of months now. What is it to break a marriage vow?

 

Of course if a W has sexual intercouse with another man or woman as far as I think would definitely be cheating. What if it was just a one time BJ in an elevator? What if she just let stranger stick his hands in her panties, or she dirty dance with someone else. Humping his leg with thong panties all in a wad. Maybe just cuddled, Sat in his lap with sexy coctail dress on.

 

Don't know for sure, but I always considered that you can look but don't touch. I always thought that if I were out parting without my W and I looked up and saw her watching me, If my behavior would freak her out, then I would have been unfaithful to her. Really want to hear from the established members. Isn't this web site GREAT.

[seibert253]

ANY involvement, be it physical or emotional, with a member of the opposite sex, that other spouse or significant other is not aware of, and does not approve of, IMO is cheating.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Did SHE cheat on me?? was it unfaithful? Have thought about these questions for couple of months now. What is it to break a marriage vow?

 

 

Maybe just cuddled, Sat in his lap with sexy coctail dress on.

 

Don't know for sure, but I always considered that you can look but don't touch. I always thought that if I were out parting without my W and I looked up and saw her watching me, If my behavior would freak her out, then I would have been unfaithful to her. Really want to hear from the established members. Isn't this web site GREAT.

 

 

From your other post, I think that what "she" did (that you know about) was "sit in his lap with sexy cocktail dress on." The other scenarios are your imagination running wild, right?

 

Honestly, I think your fears are bordering on paranoia and coming here getting input from the "marital McCarthyites" is doing you NO GOOD AT ALL. Your wife may have messed up royally, or maybe not.

 

Buglemn, there are many people here who want to help others. There are also many who are so hurt and broken that they cannot see relationships objectively at all ... and sadly, there are a few who are actually trolling these threads looking for weakness, which they seem to enjoy poking at cruelly.

 

Do you want to save your marriage? You have only ONE choice, in my opinion. Find a way to get completely open communication with your wife and get through all this together, if you can.

 

Spying on her ... what do you think the outcome of this will be? Are you prepared to walk out immediately if you find that certain boundaries have been crossed? I hope you are. If you are not, you will probably have destroyed the chance to get your marriage back on track.

 

From what I have been reading, I'm getting a LOT more information about your increasing jealousy and paranoia than about your wife's behavior.

 

You said that you have not behaved like this, but you show it here. Not to justify any improprieties (or worse) that your wife may have committed, but the behavior you show here can have the effect of pushing one's mate away.

 

Marriage counseling WITH your wife, please, before you go any further.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Did SHE cheat on me?? was it unfaithful? Have thought about these questions for couple of months now. What is it to break a marriage vow?

Of course if a W has sexual intercouse with another man or woman as far as I think would definitely be cheating. What if it was just a one time BJ in an elevator? What if she just let stranger stick his hands in her panties, or she dirty dance with someone else. Humping his leg with thong panties all in a wad. Maybe just cuddled, Sat in his lap with sexy coctail dress on.

Don't know for sure, but I always considered that you can look but don't touch. I always thought that if I were out parting without my W and I looked up and saw her watching me, If my behavior would freak her out, then I would have been unfaithful to her. Really want to hear from the established members. Isn't this web site GREAT.

 

I told you before... Your so disconnected from your wife that all these things could just be from that disconnect.

 

You need to fix your marriage STAT.

 

Did she cheat on you? Probably not from the info given. If you want to know for sure... check her cellphone records! Do it!

 

So, stop wasting your time on this. Either go get proof or get over it. Also make sure you two stop going in opposite directions!

[fltc]

Did SHE cheat on me?? was it unfaithful? Have thought about these questions for couple of months now. What is it to break a marriage vow?

 

Did she cheat on you? It doesn't matter, what matters is that you no longer trust her and for her sake and yours, you need to fix it or leave before things get worse.

 

There can be no marriage w/o trust.

[Dexter Morgan]

Did SHE cheat on me?? was it unfaithful? Have thought about these questions for couple of months now. What is it to break a marriage vow?

 

Of course if a W has sexual intercouse with another man or woman as far as I think would definitely be cheating. What if it was just a one time BJ in an elevator?

 

yup.....its cheating

 

 

 

What if she just let stranger stick his hands in her panties

 

yup

 

 

 

or she dirty dance with someone else. Humping his leg with thong panties all in a wad.

 

 

yup....its called simulated sex. caught a girlfriend long ago doing this, she said it meant nothing, I told her I don't care.....dumped.

 

 

Maybe just cuddled, Sat in his lap with sexy coctail dress on.

 

yup

[TheMENemy]

Bugleman,

 

I read and posted on your other thread.

 

It is my sincere opinion that your wife did cheat on you in Vegas and that the most likely candidate for the guy she cheated with is her friend's husband.

 

You know--the one you mentioned as giving your wife, and supposedly the other women, several hundred dollars. Why is this guy presuming to give your wife money and why on Earth did your wife accept it? She didn't have a credit card?

 

I don't exactly what the situation is with this guy and your wife's friend but typically it's guys like this who get mentioned by the spouse in some context that wind up being the Other Person in the affair. It also makes sense that it's someone your wife knows and that this has been an ongoing thing between them.

 

The stuff with the dancers could be merely a subterfuge.

 

The folks who are trying to tell you that no cheating happened are frankly in my opinion engaged in some very wishful thinking.

 

NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, behaves like your wife did without infidelity being involved.

[dreamingoftigers]

Did SHE cheat on me?? was it unfaithful? Have thought about these questions for couple of months now. What is it to break a marriage vow?

 

Of course if a W has sexual intercouse with another man or woman as far as I think would definitely be cheating. What if it was just a one time BJ in an elevator? Cheating. What if she just let stranger stick his hands in her panties, cheating. or she dirty dance with someone else. one the line, definitely in trouble. Humping his leg with thong panties all in a wad. cheating Maybe just cuddled, cheating Sat in his lap with sexy coctail dress on. Oh for godsakes, set a boundary with her.

 

Don't know for sure, but I always considered that you can look but don't touch. I always thought that if I were out parting without my W and I looked up and saw her watching me, If my behavior would freak her out, then I would have been unfaithful to her. Really want to hear from the established members. Isn't this web site GREAT.

 

OKay, if you think it is cheating, bring it up to her, tell her that you don't appreciate it. You need to fix up your trust with her pronto, this is clearly driving you nuts. Whether or not she cheated on you, it is clearly bugging the hell out of you. The truth in these situations very often comes out. If it is there, either go looking or wait for it. Without that bit of information it is still pretty clear that you really love your wife and are pretty concerned about it. WORK ON THAT. Commit to making your marriage a better place where you both feel secure. Set some boundaries so that you can feel secure.

[TheMENemy]

OKay, if you think it is cheating, bring it up to her, tell her that you don't appreciate it. You need to fix up your trust with her pronto, this is clearly driving you nuts. Whether or not she cheated on you, it is clearly bugging the hell out of you. The truth in these situations very often comes out. If it is there, either go looking or wait for it. Without that bit of information it is still pretty clear that you really love your wife and are pretty concerned about it. WORK ON THAT. Commit to making your marriage a better place where you both feel secure. Set some boundaries so that you can feel secure.

 

 

Sorry, but this is wrong.

 

The worst thing to do when confronted by a possibly cheating spouse is to tip one's hand too early with inadequate hard evidence. Then quite often the cheating spouse takes the affair even further underground and becomes that much more careful about covering it up.

 

This situation most definitely calls for a professional--a private investigator, to gather information surreptitiously. Once the situation is clarified by the PI, bugleman will be in the best position to know whether his suspicions are well founded (I think they are) and if so how bad the affair is.

 

There can be no "rebuilding of trust" with a cheating spouse and esp. if the affair is still on-going.

 

Frankly I think bugleman already has enough to demand his wife submit to a polygraph examination.

 

Bugleman watch out for those posters who are attempting to get you to feel like your suspicions are unfounded or that you are paranoid, etc. Many posters at this website are cheaters/former cheaters or affair partners/former affair partners themselves, many seem to have a vested interest in giving bad advice to betrayed spouses. [that comment is not directed at dreaming of tigers by the way, it's a general caution]

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry, but this is wrong.

 

The worst thing to do when confronted by a possibly cheating spouse is to tip one's hand too early with inadequate hard evidence. Then quite often the cheating spouse takes the affair even further underground and becomes that much more careful about covering it up.

 

This situation most definitely calls for a professional--a private investigator, to gather information surreptitiously. Once the situation is clarified by the PI, bugleman will be in the best position to know whether his suspicions are well founded (I think they are) and if so how bad the affair is.

 

There can be no "rebuilding of trust" with a cheating spouse and esp. if the affair is still on-going. AGREE. I thought he was more sure that she hadn't cheated and that she wouldn't be able to receive a phone call in the mountains.

 

Frankly I think bugleman already has enough to demand his wife submit to a polygraph examination.

 

Bugleman watch out for those posters who are attempting to get you to feel like your suspicions are unfounded or that you are paranoid, etc. Many posters at this website are cheaters/former cheaters or affair partners/former affair partners themselves, many seem to have a vested interest in giving bad advice to betrayed spouses. [that comment is not directed at dreaming of tigers by the way, it's a general caution]No worries, I am actually a BS not a WS or AP just for the record.[/QUOTE]

 

Sorry I should have been more specific: I mean that cocktail dress-lap thing, that he should establish this as a boundary and bring it up with her, that is why I went through the list.

 

Truly I suspect that if she did cheat it was probably a one-timer and if that is the case, proving one way or the other would be extremely difficult. Asking for a polygraph is something that I even have an issue with, and it is part of my husband's treatment. I can't imagine asking a WS on pure suspicion.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think the rest about either look for the proof or leave it alone was okay: really **** or get off the pot. If he is just going to stew and ask all of us if she cheated, odds are he won't find out. Well, unless I dust off that crystal ball I have in the basement.

 

If he doesn't want to pursue and find out, then yeah work on restoring the trust factor in the marriage, truth will prob come out one way or the other.

 

If he wants to hunt around, get on it, the leads only last so long. Either way, the disconnect is huge, and if he wants the marriage they need to fix that.

 

Did this make more sense?

[wicar1]

Did SHE cheat on me?? was it unfaithful? Have thought about these questions for couple of months now. What is it to break a marriage vow?

 

Of course if a W has sexual intercouse with another man or woman as far as I think would definitely be cheating. What if it was just a one time BJ in an elevator? What if she just let stranger stick his hands in her panties, or she dirty dance with someone else. Humping his leg with thong panties all in a wad. Maybe just cuddled, Sat in his lap with sexy coctail dress on.

 

Don't know for sure, but I always considered that you can look but don't touch. I always thought that if I were out parting without my W and I looked up and saw her watching me, If my behavior would freak her out, then I would have been unfaithful to her. Really want to hear from the established members. Isn't this web site GREAT.

 

I read your previous post... from what I feel.... This post is related to your previous post.

 

Forgive me if I am wrong.

 

You feel she has cheated on you.....and you want it to hear from her which you never did, probably you never will cause she's never gonna admit it cause she's become a liar !!!. I think your instincts are right.

 

Now you are trying to find the borderline of cheating ??? is BJ cheating??? is a lap dance cheating??? My friend come to the point....??? lap thing bothers you still and it will bother you forever and ever....untill you look for solid evidance to bust her. trust is like virginity.....once you lost it, you will never get it back... lol.....

 

It doesnt matter if it is 2 years or 22 years.... people can cheat at any stage of their marriage...and when they do...they become great liars....all what you have described in your pre-post...is enough for even a kid to know something is wrong.

 

Of course if a W has sexual intercouse with another man or woman as far as I think would definitely be cheating. What if it was just a one time BJ in an elevator? What if she just let stranger stick his hands in her panties, or she dirty dance with someone else. Humping his leg with thong panties all in a wad. Maybe just cuddled, Sat in his lap with sexy coctail dress on.

 

- I consider all the acts you ve mentioned above are cheating if those acts were done without your knowledge...yaa even sitting on another guy's lap

Edited November 6, 2010 by wicar1

[jnj express]

Actually----just spending time with another man is inappropriate----once a spouse takes vows---they tie themselves to their partners, and should not be alone in the presence of the other sex, for any length of time----short infrequent meetings to pass info, and greet is OK---but that is it

[road]

If the other spouse would not approve it is cheating

[InternationalPlayboy]

Frankly I think bugleman already has enough to demand his wife submit to a polygraph examination.

 

 

Please tell me you're not serious. Other posters could write that and I would assume they were using a degree of hyperbole. But since you've already advised him to divorce her, I want to make sure you actually believe he should submit his wife to a lie detector?

 

At what point would you suggest waterboarding?

[InternationalPlayboy]

Actually----just spending time with another man is inappropriate----once a spouse takes vows---they tie themselves to their partners, and should not be alone in the presence of the other sex, for any length of time----short infrequent meetings to pass info, and greet is OK---but that is it

 

Should spouses also be forbidden from driving? Should they be required to cover themselves from head to toe? Should they be stoned for violating these rules?

 

I love my wife and she loves me, but I don't want her tied to me. I'd rather her come along willingly for the ride.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't think that there is anything wrong with being social or hanging out with the opposite sex. I hung out with my friend's husband for a couple of hours the other day, and it wouldn't bother me if my husband hung out with my friend, just not having any weird conversations or any physical contact. If I had a concern I would definitely raise it. Everyday we work in homes of the opposite sex and with the opposite sex, we just have to have those firm boundaries and that respect in place.

[TheMENemy]

Please tell me you're not serious.

 

Actually I'm as serious as a funeral.

 

 

 

Other posters could write that and I would assume they were using a degree of hyperbole. But since you've already advised him to divorce her, I want to make sure you actually believe he should submit his wife to a lie detector?

 

Did I advise him to divorce her? I don't recall, maybe I did?

 

No he doesn't need to divorce her if he doesn't mind being married to a wife who lies, accepts gifts/Vegas trips from wealthy other men, hangs out with male dancers in bars in Vegas, etc etc etc etc.

 

But what OP should NOT do is justify remaining married based on the fantasy that his wife did NOT cheat; or perhaps did NOT come seriously close to it; or perhaps WILL cheat on him in the future.

 

No woman behaves the way his wife behaved unless she has a seriously wandering eye.

 

The point of a polygraph is it puts pressure on the suspected cheater. Oftentimes the pressure of anticipation of having to take the test is enough to get a confession. She admits she lied to him. Her excuses don't make much sense at all. So yes, Private Investigator. Yes, skilled matrimonial attorney. Yes, polygraph. Yes, keyloggers. All are very standard techniques by a betrayed or suspected betrayed spouse in OP's position.

 

 

 

At what point would you suggest waterboarding?

 

Look, OP's wife doesn't have to consent to being polygraphed. On the other hand, OP doesn't have to consent to being cuckolded, either.

[TheMENemy]

Should spouses also be forbidden from driving?

 

If they are dangerous drivers? Absolutely.

 

Should they be required to cover themselves from head to toe?

 

No, but they should not expect to be able to stay married to someone if they themselves don't respect the marriage.

 

Should they be stoned for violating these rules?

 

No but they should not expect to be able to stay married if they keep violating reasonable marital boundaries. If they want to act like they're single, then they need to be single. That requires a divorce.

 

I love my wife and she loves me, but I don't want her tied to me.

 

In that case you need to divorce her. By marrying each other you legally tied yourselves to each other. A divorce will untie you, at least partially, because if you have kids you'll stay tied together one way or another indefinitely.

 

Sounds like you've been subjected to some pretty serious manipulation/gaslighting by your spouse ("you're too controlling IP, you can't tell me who my friends are" etc.) if you don't think that being married to someone ties the two of you together.

 

 

I'd rather her come along willingly for the ride.

 

Presumably she did that because she married you willingly. (Didn't she?) "The ride" is your marriage dude. It's against the rules to try to hop off before the ride comes to a complete stop. People could get seriously injured.

 

Just like at Disneyworld.

[InternationalPlayboy]

Actually I'm as serious as a funeral.

 

 

 

 

 

Did I advise him to divorce her? I don't recall, maybe I did?

 

No he doesn't need to divorce her if he doesn't mind being married to a wife who lies, accepts gifts/Vegas trips from wealthy other men, hangs out with male dancers in bars in Vegas, etc etc etc etc.

 

But what OP should NOT do is justify remaining married based on the fantasy that his wife did NOT cheat; or perhaps did NOT come seriously close to it; or perhaps WILL cheat on him in the future.

 

No woman behaves the way his wife behaved unless she has a seriously wandering eye.

 

The point of a polygraph is it puts pressure on the suspected cheater. Oftentimes the pressure of anticipation of having to take the test is enough to get a confession. She admits she lied to him. Her excuses don't make much sense at all. So yes, Private Investigator. Yes, skilled matrimonial attorney. Yes, polygraph. Yes, keyloggers. All are very standard techniques by a betrayed or suspected betrayed spouse in OP's position.

 

 

 

 

 

Look, OP's wife doesn't have to consent to being polygraphed. On the other hand, OP doesn't have to consent to being cuckolded, either.

 

Marriage is an imperfect union that relies mightily on trust and faith, both of which will be tested throughout any relationship. There will be times in the best of marriages where trust is questioned - and that is when we must rely upon faith the other person isn't out to ruin everything. At times, when evidence appears insurmountable, a thorough questioning of one another is necessary.

 

Undoubtedly, the OP's trust in his wife has been tested. As far as we know, it has not been broken via infidelity. This may indicate a problem in their relationship but is not grounds for divorce.

 

Requesting polygraph for a spouse, however, violates not a relationship's trust but its faith. Without faith any marriage is doomed. I believe subjecting a spouse to a polygraph, hiring a private investigator, keyloggers are clear violations of a relationship's faith and create a slippery slope toward dissolution even without any damning evidence.

 

It sounds as though the OP has not lost faith in his wife, though his trust was tested and possibly violated - that's for him to decide. This is why I would suggest the couple seeks counseling. Whereas you, in the other thread, suggested he hire a "really sharp divorce attorney."

 

I believe it's too early too follow that suggestion particularly if he still loves her.

[carhill]

How much time per week does she spend training for marathons?

[InternationalPlayboy]

If they are dangerous drivers? Absolutely.

 

 

 

No, but they should not expect to be able to stay married to someone if they themselves don't respect the marriage.

 

 

 

No but they should not expect to be able to stay married if they keep violating reasonable marital boundaries. If they want to act like they're single, then they need to be single. That requires a divorce.

 

 

 

In that case you need to divorce her. By marrying each other you legally tied yourselves to each other. A divorce will untie you, at least partially, because if you have kids you'll stay tied together one way or another indefinitely.

 

Sounds like you've been subjected to some pretty serious manipulation/gaslighting by your spouse ("you're too controlling IP, you can't tell me who my friends are" etc.) if you don't think that being married to someone ties the two of you together.

 

 

 

 

Presumably she did that because she married you willingly. (Didn't she?) "The ride" is your marriage dude. It's against the rules to try to hop off before the ride comes to a complete stop. People could get seriously injured.

 

Just like at Disneyworld.

 

I was being facetious and believe you know that.

 

"Being tied" is the phrase the other poster used and I found it revealing. My wife is not tied to me nor am I to her. You tie an animal when you don't want it to run away. You tie a boat in the harbor.

 

We are married and continue to be married because we want to, we have children, a mortgage, investments, joint checking etc., because we want to, because it benefits our union and us as individuals.

 

Just like you believe I've been manipulated by my wife (And isn't that part of any relationship? She manipulates me to buy flowers, I manipulate her to give me a BJ. Some call it manipulation, others call it compromises, negotiation, give and take, relating to another person, etc. If I never wanted to be manipulated by anyone I'd live alone and never leave the house.), I sense you've been subjected to infidelity and I'm very sorry and wish you all the best.

[fun2bewith]

ANY involvement, be it physical or emotional, with a member of the opposite sex, that other spouse or significant other is not aware of, and does not approve of, IMO is cheating.

 

 

True, emotional cheating very serious, physical cheating semi serious...but note both are serious...