Seeing XH for 1st since Divorce

[2sure]

I am sick to my stomach. I am attending an event tonight - large and formal -that my X is also attending. I knew he would because it is a professionally related event that benefits each of us to attend. I have been ok about it until this morning. I am sweating.

 

The planner received the seating chart and told me he is bringing a date. I know the guy, so he called me as a friendly gesture, gave me the woman's name. I am bringing someone as well, but strictly in a professional capacity as is often done, and everyone will know it isnt a "date" including the X. This is not the case for the X and this woman...I looked her up and she is no way professionally related to anything he does or is involved in. Far removed.

 

So, its odd for a few reasons. 1. Our divorce has not been final for even 3 months yet. 2. He is a semi public figure and how things look is of utmost importance to him. 3. This event is all ..."heavy hitters" ...so you dont want to bring anyone who would...not know what was going on.

 

Plus I'm just anxious in general because , I divorced my H because he was a serial cheater, and I cannot help but wonder if this woman is someone he was seeing while I was married to him. AND...I loved him and still do. Getting divorced seemed the only healthy option for me but I'm not over it or him. It seems kind of ...mean of him.

 

I am anxious and angry. I am however, seated much more strategically than he.

[worlybear]

I am sick to my stomach. I am attending an event tonight - large and formal -that my X is also attending. I knew he would because it is a professionally related event that benefits each of us to attend. I have been ok about it until this morning. I am sweating.

 

The planner received the seating chart and told me he is bringing a date. I know the guy, so he called me as a friendly gesture, gave me the woman's name. I am bringing someone as well, but strictly in a professional capacity as is often done, and everyone will know it isnt a "date" including the X. This is not the case for the X and this woman...I looked her up and she is no way professionally related to anything he does or is involved in. Far removed.

 

So, its odd for a few reasons. 1. Our divorce has not been final for even 3 months yet. 2. He is a semi public figure and how things look is of utmost importance to him. 3. This event is all ..."heavy hitters" ...so you dont want to bring anyone who would...not know what was going on.

 

Plus I'm just anxious in general because , I divorced my H because he was a serial cheater, and I cannot help but wonder if this woman is someone he was seeing while I was married to him. AND...I loved him and still do. Getting divorced seemed the only healthy option for me but I'm not over it or him. It seems kind of ...mean of him.

 

I am anxious and angry. I am however, seated much more strategically than he.

Hi. Just re-read the bolded statement. I do understand that you still care for youe XH but there it is in black and white. He is a cheat. He cheated on you and chances are he will cheat on her. Stand tall, look good and enjoy your evening- you can do it! Who knows you may meet someone wonderful, so relax...... and enjoy!!:bunny:

[HopelessinDTW]

I am sick to my stomach. I am attending an event tonight - large and formal -that my X is also attending. I knew he would because it is a professionally related event that benefits each of us to attend. I have been ok about it until this morning. I am sweating.

 

The planner received the seating chart and told me he is bringing a date. I know the guy, so he called me as a friendly gesture, gave me the woman's name. I am bringing someone as well, but strictly in a professional capacity as is often done, and everyone will know it isnt a "date" including the X. This is not the case for the X and this woman...I looked her up and she is no way professionally related to anything he does or is involved in. Far removed.

 

So, its odd for a few reasons. 1. Our divorce has not been final for even 3 months yet. 2. He is a semi public figure and how things look is of utmost importance to him. 3. This event is all ..."heavy hitters" ...so you dont want to bring anyone who would...not know what was going on.

 

Plus I'm just anxious in general because , I divorced my H because he was a serial cheater, and I cannot help but wonder if this woman is someone he was seeing while I was married to him. AND...I loved him and still do. Getting divorced seemed the only healthy option for me but I'm not over it or him. It seems kind of ...mean of him.

 

I am anxious and angry. I am however, seated much more strategically than he.

Sure he's being mean...he was cheating on you during the marriage, what makes you think he wouldn't do something like this now?? Nothing like jabbing a spouse in the back, and then twisting the knife whenever you get the chance....isn't that what love is all about?

 

Well, you need to make best of this situation. The best is you ignore him, his b*tch, you put on the biggest smile on the face of the earth. If you have the chance/guts and if appropriate...start flirting with men. YOU CANNOT under any circumstances show him how you feel. It's going to be a tough night for sure, but you knew this day was coming. You need to get through it with your head held high, with dignity, and the knowledge that your ex is scum.

[2sure]

Well, you need to make best of this situation. The best is you ignore him, his b*tch, you put on the biggest smile on the face of the earth. If you have the chance/guts and if appropriate...start flirting with men. YOU CANNOT under any circumstances show him how you feel. It's going to be a tough night for sure, but you knew this day was coming. You need to get through it with your head held high, with dignity, and the knowledge that your ex is scum.

 

I have to do this. I know I do and I can. I just wish I didnt have to .

I know that others will be watching for my reaction. I'm scared I guess.

Its too soon for me to see him.

[Kasan]

You will do this and you will pull it off beautifully.

 

From all that I have read about your from your writings, you are a strong, strong woman.

 

And no way in h*ll will you let them see you sweat, as you're way too polished and professional to let this happen.

 

I suspect that as the event draws closer you will put your game face on, and it will be business as usual.

[worlybear]

Hey,stay strong. We're all rooting for you! Hope it goes o.k.

[2sure]

Ok...I can do it I can do it.

Seriously, I was contemplating not going and staying in bed. Thank you .

Plan forming. Might as well have one.

I am going to wear the dress I was wearing when he met me for the first time. I havent worn it since and its a knock out on me. I know he will remember it.

 

Not sure exactly why I'm doing it but its made me feel ....I dont know, like Im doing something.

[carhill]

OP, I respect that you still love your exH and perhaps always will in some way. That said, there will likely never be a time and place in life when and where you'll care less than he does. He's a professional care-less person, so, in that regard, as evidenced by this event, he will always have the upper hand. However, in the broad scope of things, at this event, meaning the assembled guests, the fact that you care more will imbue the proceedings and guests with your positive energy.

 

Is the colleague who's attending with you aware of the circumstances? If no, I'd suggest giving him a head's-up, not about details but about how you're a bit nervous meeting your exH for the first time here since the D. A good man can be of assistance during such moments.

 

Own the room. You know you can. Now, do. Good luck

[Kasan]

Ok...I can do it I can do it.

Seriously, I was contemplating not going and staying in bed. Thank you .

Plan forming. Might as well have one.

I am going to wear the dress I was wearing when he met me for the first time. I havent worn it since and its a knock out on me. I know he will remember it.

 

Not sure exactly why I'm doing it but its made me feel ....I dont know, like Im doing something.

 

Excellent plan! Do it for spite!!!:)

 

I am sorry that you even have to go through this...........

 

After reading some of the things you have done to exes in the past, I know you are a fighter, and you will get through this event.

[tobydog]

You can do it! I hope it all goes as well as it can!

[willowthewisp]

Just remember...YOU LEFT HIM! If he's bringing her to get to you, it's b/c he still cares that he can get to you, but YOU LEFT HIM! You have all the power here already so just be yourself, you don't need to flirt with men (may come off as doing it to get to him) just keep telling yourself, YOU LEFT HIM, you are better than him, he is pathetic, he needs to bring a date (which you said is inappropriate in this case/event) to get to you. YOU HAVE THE UPPER HAND.

[Owl]

2Sure...here's my advice.

 

Don't "step out" tonight and just go and attend this event.

 

STRUT!!!!!!!!

 

Walk in looking like a million dollars, and acting like you know your excrement is worth two!

 

Calm, cool, controlled...and looking/smelling/moving like the classiest, hottest woman you can imagine.

 

It's all in the attitude.

 

Walk in with the attitude, walk out with it too.

 

Leave him wondering what in the hell he was thinking, and the rest of them convinced he was a moron for divorcing you.

 

Then come back here tomorrow and feed all of us all the juicy revenge tidbits!!! :D :D :D

[GorillaTheater]

These guys are right, you WILL own the room. You have the confidence, intelligence, looks and class to easily pull it off if you choose to.

 

Knock 'em dead, kiddo.

[Too Much]

Just remember...YOU LEFT HIM! If he's bringing her to get to you, it's b/c he still cares that he can get to you, but YOU LEFT HIM! You have all the power here already so just be yourself, you don't need to flirt with men (may come off as doing it to get to him) just keep telling yourself, YOU LEFT HIM, you are better than him, he is pathetic, he needs to bring a date (which you said is inappropriate in this case/event) to get to you. YOU HAVE THE UPPER HAND.

 

I agree with this post. He knows you will be there. It's not possible for him to be completely over you in 3 months. This is intentional for him to "show you" and look good. You need to remember this so when you walk in that room, you won't feel like you're the only one hurting. Be strong and confident.

[You Go Girl]

I suggest you pretend that he isn't going to be there. Do everything the way you would if he was not attending, including what you wear. This is the best way to stay true to yourself and focus your energy on the relationships you have at the event, and perhaps forming some new ones.

If you notice people staring at you, go over and talk to them, just like you would naturally. They must have something on their mind they want to tell you.

If this woman has no business being there, it will be noticed and she will not be considered an asset to the evening. She may even stick her oh so sweet and polished foot in her mouth.

Let others characters reveal themselves for who they are. You --to thine own self be true, grounded, composed, and at ease.

[trippi1432]

2Sure - lots of great advice here...you are going to be great!! Slap on that smile and show the world how beautiful you are....STRUT as someone else said.

 

:bunny:

[2sure]

So, its over. I did it.

To say it was surreal is an understatement.

To see MY Husband yet not be with him...was weird. The fact that he was with someone else ended up not being important to me.

But ...watching him move through the room, hearing him speak, etc...for him to be where I was...yet not with me...I'm telling you it was strange.

 

I had a table at this event..meaning I bought the table and invited guests. He was a guest at someone else's table. So, I had plenty to do. The gentleman who escorted me ..I can only say he went above and beyond & I am truly appreciative. He attended as a professional favor to me...in that bringing him was a huge bonus for me. Yet he steered me clear all night when he saw the ex approaching. (Ex was itching to speak w/ the people at my table) .

 

I took the initiative and approached he and his date solo...I said hello , kissed his cheek like anyone else might. He introduced me to his date using simply my name with no further details. The HOST of the shindig then floored me by interrupting and taking me away. Not on purpose, but I can tell you it was flattering he required me at all...and EX was green with envy. I am moving freely in professional and social circles he can only salivate about. I know that but the fact is...I wanted these things WITH him, they were never important to me alone.

 

Something interesting though. The "date" whom I have never spoken to, seen , nor heard of...came up to ME in the ladies lounge while I was looking in the mirror (applying a lipstick so red it was my only accessory) and said:

 

"I want you to know X has never said a bad thing about you and still cares for and respects you."

 

My reply:

 

"Your "date" was my husband less than 90 days ago. What could possibly make you believe that you are privy to the feelings we have between us? And you have quite a bit of spinach in your teeth."

 

So, anyway...I'm disappointed still you know...but not as in love with him as I thought . I guess.

[carhill]

Thanks for the update...

 

In a way I envy you. You still feel something, as evidenced by your remarks to your ex'es date. I, OTOH, feel nothing. Total emptiness; not sadness, not grief. Nothing. Our D is a little over two weeks old. When we notarized and filed our final papers, it was like she was a stranger to me; vaguely familiar but blah, nothing.

 

Anyway, happy to read it's over and you essentially had a good time. I'm sure there will be many other 'times' and it will all become routine. Best wishes

[2sure]

Yeah and I'm kind of thinking about going out with the man I brought with me.

[worlybear]

Wicked!!! Sounds good to me! You get out there and have some fun!

Love the "spinach" remark- what a great put-down.LOL.

[You Go Girl]

Wicked!!! Sounds good to me! You get out there and have some fun!

Love the "spinach" remark- what a great put-down.LOL.

 

Indeed, effectively stinging in fact, the stuff of novels, even cliche. Not much of an olive branch though, for one who was trying (albeit out of order) to extend one.

The date was out of place with making any remark about the past marriage relationship.

However, she has done nothing to the OP. Should she have received the brunt of her anger?

A little humility can go a long way to making the new date consider that perhaps the ex isn't the bad guy here, but make the date question whether she has made a good choice in dating the ex., and that in fact he may be the toxic person, and not the OP. Granted, that's not the OP's responsibility.

Still I wonder about first impressions. Do they not matter at all if a person has no business-extending potential?

 

I'm glad your evening was so successful, 2sure. It sounds like your business rapport was upped a notch or two.

[2sure]

Oh please...she had zero, nada, no reason to speak to me at all let alone extend an "olive branch"...for what? For a stranger to approach a woman and make a statement like that is beyond inappropriate and very presumptuous.

 

And ...she did have a boat load of spinach in her teeth...it was kind of me not to let her return to the party in such a state.

 

My x sent me an email last night apologizing for her bizarre behavior which was witnessed by other guests.

[Snowflower]

Oh please...she had zero, nada, no reason to speak to me at all let alone extend an "olive branch"...for what? For a stranger to approach a woman and make a statement like that is beyond inappropriate and very presumptuous.

 

And ...she did have a boat load of spinach in her teeth...it was kind of me not to let her return to the party in such a state.

 

My x sent me an email last night apologizing for her bizarre behavior which was witnessed by other guests.

 

2Sure, thanks for sharing your story! I hope LS gave you at least some of the resolve you needed before the event.

 

I guess for some, you as the BW/xW are supposed to continue to rise above everything that your xH did and does, including odd comments by your xH's date in the ladies' room.

 

So your ex brought a guest who displayed bizarre behavior at an important professional event? Boy, he sure knows how to pick 'em, doesn't he? It seems he continues to make poor companionship choices ever since he began cheating on you. It speaks volumes about him.

[You Go Girl]

Oh please...she had zero, nada, no reason to speak to me at all let alone extend an "olive branch"...for what? For a stranger to approach a woman and make a statement like that is beyond inappropriate and very presumptuous.

 

And ...she did have a boat load of spinach in her teeth...it was kind of me not to let her return to the party in such a state.

 

My x sent me an email last night apologizing for her bizarre behavior which was witnessed by other guests.

 

I agree...she was out of line completely. Her comments to you although inappropriate, didn't seem malicious though, so I was considering what was her motivation. She appears to simply have unrefined social skills.

 

Isn't it strange that he sent an apology about her behavior--or apologized for anyone else's behavior, considering his history?

The audacity?

[2sure]

I agree...she was out of line completely. Her comments to you although inappropriate, didn't seem malicious though, so I was considering what was her motivation. She appears to simply have unrefined social skills.

 

When she said he never said anything bad about me...I knew it was because he did not discuss me with her ... Not because he did. And not because he respects me but because he never discusses his private life with anyone. Yet, she took it as her place to discuss our relationship with me, something she knows nothing of ?? Who knows or cares why.

 

Isn't it strange that he sent an apology about her behavior--or apologized for anyone else's behavior, considering his history?

The audacity?

 

Oh yes. Bizarro World. I'm positive he only emailed me because her behavior offended him personally. Ive no intention of responding to him.

You know what else bugs me?

 

Although it is not on the invitation itself this is a black tie event and everyone knows this. He knew to wear a tux, yet apparently he never passed on the info to his date . He is an idiot.