Kaitlynn Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Hello everyone... I have no idea what to do about this situation with my ex, I hope someone can shed some light on it. My boyfriend and I broke up a month and a half ago. We were in a relationship for 4 years, lived together for 3 and best friends for 10. We had a great relationship, everyone thought we were going to get married. 6 months ago his feelings for me slowly started changing. He said our relationship was becomming very awkward and confusing for him and he didnt know if he wanted to marry me anymore. It was the classic 'The Grass is Greener Syndrome'. He wanted to go out and experiance life on his own with out having to date anyone, including me. Which is something he has never got to experiance. He wanted to move out of the place we shared and he wanted to move out fast, however I did not want that at all. Basiclly I got all the "Its not you its me", "I need space", "I still want to be friends" lines from him. I did not react good to this, I cried ALOT and since we lived together he saw all my crazy break up stages. He now started saying he didnt want to break up and that he still had faith in our relationship. My instincts did not believe that tho, every day he kept getting more and more annoyed at me and I wasnt even doing anything. Just me being there annoyed him. So I told him he needed time alone to figure himself out and I was going to leave so he can have the place to himself until we can get someone to rent it... Me doing that really took him by surprise. He didnt like it at all, I dont think he thought I had the guts to just leave like that. We got together a few days later to talk about our relationship. I was so strong, I didnt cry at all. He however broke down and I have never seen him like that before. I told him that it might be best for both of us if we officially break up because this relationship is just stressing him out and he needs time to experiance life on his own without me. He said he doesnt want me out of his life, that he cares about me alot and maybe one day we will get back together but right now he just cant love me the way I deserve to be loved. He said he doesnt want to lose me from his life, he wants to be friends and all this. It was so hard to be strong during that. It was quite the conversation, but everything ended in good terms. After the conversation, I left to stay at my friends and I start NC. I only contacted him and saw him about house related things as we tried to get rid of it before the months end. NC didnt last long because after we were completely moved out it only took two days of me not talking to him for him to break NC. I didnt reply, I just ignored him. However he kept trying to contact me alot. It was all 'how are you?, how was your weekend? How was Thanksgiving? I guess your really busy now arnt you?' messages Finally on the 20th *ish* of October I gave in and started texting him back. We texted all night, nothing about the relationship tho. Just talked as friends. Then the next night we talked again and the next night and so on. He initiated it everytime. Again nothing about the relationship, but he would keep telling me how pretty I am and how I deserve the world and how great of a person I am. Maybe Im thinking to much of it but he broke up with me so why is he saying all this stuff and contacting me all the time wanting to chat? Its just confusing. I dont know what to say to him either. I still love him and want to be with him. I still want him in my life even if we have to be just friends again. But arrggg I dont want to be just friends, I want him to be my boyfriend. Its just frustrating, I dont know what to do or say to him. I am not over him, I know that. Should I force some NC? since it feels like we never really had any because he kept messaging me. Should I bring up the relationship? see if he wants to work on things. Should I just talk to him as friends?. Is he talking to me because he misses me? Ohhh sigh.. I have no idea.
homebrew Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I would strongly encourage you to read my two threads concerning "Grass is Greener" Syndrome and my other thread called... Want you Ex back! They are are at or near the top of this forum. You will have all the information you need as to what is going on with him. It will also answer all of your questions on how best to proceed. Your situation is not hopeless... Just follow all of my advice / example and you will give yourself the best opportunity to get your ex back, which from what you shared is possible. Just know, that it will take some time... months if not a year or more before he is ready for you. In the meantime, work on you and if it is not him, It will be someone even better!
Cratsky Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I definately empathise with your situation. I guess the key question here is whether you're happy to convince yourself it's okay to 'want' someone who doesn't even know what they want? Is it worth the risk of giving even more of yourself, having even more hope only to be shot down again in a few years time? While the future is uncertain, and he may eventually figure himself out you've also got to think about what you want. What hopes, dreams and passions did you have in life before he came along? I can guarantee that some things you wanted to pursue were put on the back burner as all relationships require compromise. Having NC is a good chance to take a step back, evaluate your situation and think about how you feel. He's made his decision and while I know its upsetting, it's also relevant to note that you cannot change his mind. Don't you want to be with someone who has a firm handle on what they want out of life? Or would you prefer to be with someone who maybe/sorta knows but is happy to go along for the ride just for the hell of it? I compare it to having a caged bird. If he wants to fly, who are you to act as his cage? It hurts, I know but you've also got to realise this may be a blessing in disguise. A few things can happen here: - he is single for about 6 months and realises he wants to give it another shot - he has a blast being single and prefers to stay that way for a couple of years. - he moves away or finds his passion and makes a life change (i.e. go from being a lawyer to being a fisherman). There are many more things that could happen, and I'm sure you've probably thought about it. The reality is, regardless of what may happen in the future, you will also have been changed by this experience. Your relationship is closed and in the past. Who is to say that by the time he comes back in 6 months (if ever), you meet again and the spark is actually gone. That's a possibility too. Anyways, if you're keen to keep your mind off things take a look at my post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251733/ THe situation is quite similar to yours, however due to circumstances I've moved forward a little faster. You'll get there too. Just don't rush it.
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