ksheja Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 it involves me, my son, my son's father that disappeared before he was born and that I just learned has died, and his wife. 18 years ago I met my son's father. He was a Korean immigrant who worked hard and lived in poor conditions. He was divorced and had a son in Korea. He drank too much. He always said he wanted to go back to Korea, did not like America. I know, not a great marriage prospect. But there were things to love about him. I got pregnant and after my 7th month I never heard from him. He disappeared and I did not have the vital piece of information (Social Security #) to find him. He left no paper trail. My son was born in 1995 and I've worked hard and raised him. I always felt that if I could find him, he would want to know about his son, how he had turned out. I really believed he had gone back to Korea. Child support authorities could not find him. About 8 years ago a private investigator found his name on a property record in GA (just his name, not birth date or SSN). A lot of other Koreans have his name. I looked up the address (which turned out to be not the one on the property record, but an old address) on some kind of people search and saw his name was not there, only people with an American last name - except one of those people also had a Korean woman's first name. Their previous addresses were in Texas. I didn't know how to approach it. I wanted to find out if he lived there. I sent a letter with pictures of myself and my son. I addressed it to him. I got a phone call from a woman. It was the woman with the Korean first name and American last name. She spoke good English with an accent, this and her name indicated likely she was from Korea and had married an American. She said S (person I was looking for) was her brother and that he lived in Korea. So I pictured a situation in which her Korean brother had bought a house for his sister, who was living in with her family (the American man). She said her brother was a good man. She said he had children. I asked about the son in Korea (by name), she said no, he had young children. The only thing that seemed to be the same was that he had once lived in NY. She said she would call her brother (in Korea) and ask if he knew me. She called back the next day and said he did not. I believed this whole story...because I knew the person I knew had no sister married to an American adn had lived in Texas. So I thought it was just another guy with the same name and never thought twice about it. I did send pictures of him and asked her to confirm it was him or not, but I didn't hear back. This year I found a PI who can look for people in Korea. But first he looks in America. He found the same person, another address in Ga, only he had died last year. He was in the Social Security death index. I still thought it was the wrong person. But this time I found all kinds of information on the internet that was not there before. Property records, court records, a bankruptcy file. The woman was not his sister. They were married. They were living with her son from her 1st marriage (to the American, whose name she kept on using) and a little girl that I know now is their daughter. Far from the poor conditions he lived in when I knew him, he had a mortgage for a large house and the wife was driving a leased luxury car for almost $1000 a month. They made about $50,000 between the two. I felt angry when I read this. My son had nothing from him while he supported someone else's child (she was not receiving any child support) and not 3 years after my son was born he had another child with a woman that he married, did not abandon. I don't know what happened to his first child in Korea. I can't find any record of where he was right after he left NY (end of 1994). or any mention of his family members that he had in NY. They went bankrupt, lost the house, the car, and got rid of their credit card debt, but still lived in a nice condo. She almost divorced him once, changed her mind. He had 4 arrests, 1 for family violence (I never even saw him get angry) and 3 for DUIs. Apparently the drinking did not get any better. He died of cancer. When I read all of this, I felt angry, sad, regretful, betrayed, grieved and outraged. It is hard to function. I found the woman's ex-husband and talked to him. He said she had left him after some years of marriage and 2 kids, but returned the 1st kid to him and never saw her again. The other kid, her son, she took off with him, did not keep in contact with him, and he just now has found him again (they had no legal custody arrangement, no child support agreement, and there is a question of whether their diviorce was even final). I am planning to pursue a posthumous paternity suit (yes this is possible). I can try to get Social Security survivor's benefits for my son and also would like his name on the birth certificate, and I want to know the medical history as his mother also died of cancer at a fairly young age. I feel this woman needs to know that I know about the deception and that he is dead. I would like my son, if it's possible, to get to know his half-sister and half-brother (wherever he is) and other relatives of his father. I had met his cousin, who was quite nice to me, but I don't know his name or where he is. These things, however, will depend on the cooperation of the wife, and I'm not too optimiistic about that. My son says he doesn't care but I don't quite believe it.
LoveTruthChaos Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 My son says he doesn't care but I don't quite believe it. Yeah, he most likely doesn't care. He's never known his father, so he feels no anger or injustice the way that you do. You are all he's known, and he loves you and must be grateful for everything you've done for him, and to be honest - that should be enough for you. And if you think that I don't understand...I have never known my father, and I actually do not care about anything to do with him. So I can see where your son is coming from.
LoveTNT Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Wow, I believe that what you are doing is trying to complete your childs life/family story for him. Maybe one day he will appreciate it. That is alot to take in. I met my sister for the first time over a year ago. I had my father in my life. She never had him. Her step-father didn' allow it. My parents sat me and my brother down when I was about 12 and let me know I had an older sister, which another woman had with my father. My mom is sweet, she would always remind me I had a half sister and I should get to know her one day. I would always brush it off, I thought I wasn't losing anything because I had never met her etc.. and I was fine with out her. When I got in my 20's I started to think more about her. I started to have feelings towards her, feeling sorry that she never had my father in her life like I did. I began to wonder what she was like etc.. I only had a picture of her when she graduated from highschool, very pretty. The funny thing is even after my mother and father divorced (shortly after I found out about my half sister), my mother always kept my sisters picture, with all the rest of the family pics. It's like my mom has always cared for her well being, even though it wasn't her daughter. My brother ( from my mom and dad) is maybe a year apart from my sis, so they are very close in age. Fastforward. I met my sister almost 2 years ago, and I'm so thankful for that. She is so beautiful inside out, sometimes I feel she was probably better off with her mom, because how good she turned out ( not taking away from my parents, they are great). I hope you do find his half brothers and sisters and one day they can meet and have a positive outcome of it. Good luck... God bless..
Author ksheja Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 it's because of the internet that I am able to... when his father left there was no internet and it was like he dropped off the face of the earth and there was no way to find him. My son is sorry that he died (though not terribly sad, because he never knew him) and that he did not get to meet him. He's not interested in his half-siblings right now but one day he might be. But he also seems angry about it, not as indifferent as he says he is. I would love to be able to ask my son's father's stepbrother (that he lived with) about what it was like to live with him. I know he (son's father) had an alcohol problem (he drank a lot when I knew him, and I see he had 3 DUIs in the years before he died). I'd like to know if he drank all the time, and how that was for everyone, if he was good to him. He is on Facebook but I can't contact him yet. He has just gotten in touch again with his older (full) sister and his own father. He is still living with his mom. My son's half-sister is 3 years younger, I know her name but not what she looks like. She is with her mom, and I don't know how her mom would feel about her knowing she has an older half-brother. Her mom is the one who told me my son's father was her brother and living in Korea. I don't know if her feelings would be different now that he is dead. The rest of my son's father's family, I don't know about. I have a feeling they might be estranged but for all I know, they are living next door. I do think it's important to know what kind of cancer his father died of, and what kind his mother died of, and any other family medical history that might be relevant. I don't know if his father (my son's grandfather) is still alive or not.
Recommended Posts