Surrealist Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 You gotta take chances, Gamma, just like when you look for a job. You don't have to apply for a certain job, but you won't get it if you don't apply. Do you have a female sister, cousin or other relative who might be able to give you some advice in the store about clothing that will look well? Speaking of cousins and relatives, ask them if they know a girl that might be interested in you. I met my future wife on a blind date from a married female business colleague who had been setting her best friend up on blind dates. I was the last blind date my wife had... You're missing out if you don't at least try in your social circle. You already know these women so you're ahead there as you have some things in common already. If they say no, it won't be the end of the world. Just keep pushing and you'll eventually find some success. If you feel nervous about asking out someone you already know, please carefully consider some women you know that you could ask out. It might pay off, Gamma. I only recently realized I could have asked out a girl I sat next to in college. She was always making conversation with me, but I never picked up on this. I had at least one thing in common with her: that class. My mistake and loss for not considering asking her out. Gamma, I suspect you're no longer on LS, like another user I've PM'd. I sent you a PM. I'd like to comment on your situation and perhaps give you some help. If you're finding some success in dating and that's why you're not here anymore, that's a great reason. I've been where you were in my late 20s and please know that we only wish the best for you, Gamma. Why are you so concerned for Gamma? Really just intrigued, I think its great that you, and others here, have that genuine consideration for someone unless of course your selling something? I totally, completely understand Gamma though that is what I pretty much look like in the profile pic. With that said I know my looks are not the major problem but other factors, particularly crippling self-beliefs and self-esteem. These things are not easily overcome by psychological babble and other neat mental gymnastics, or even occasional compliments, as it is the individual's inner, deep and albeit defeating self belief systems that prevent dating success, at least for a guy who has to take the initiative in most situations.
somedude81 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 (edited) So if you're a nice guy and you're not getting any dates, there are a few things to consider: 1- Are you nice but a little anti-social? If you don't make the effort to talk to women, they can't know how nice you are. Nope, not anti-social. I do have some trouble going beyond small talk with women. Though if they are somewhat interested/nice, it's easier to have a decent conversation. 2- Are you perhaps a little subpar looking? It sucks, but everyone wants someone they find attractive. That doesn't mean you're doomed if you're ugly, short, bald, or fat. But do the best you can with what you have. Make an effort with your clothes (casual stuff doesn't have to be ratty), manage your facial hair, try to keep your weight at a healthy level, get a good hair cut, and buy some breath mints. I don't think I'm subpar looking. I try to dress stylishly and look appropriate for my setting. Being several inches below average in height may be a negative thing. Being taller might let me get more girls, but it's impossbile to know. 3- Are you noticing who is into you? Are you fixating on girls who have made it clear they aren't interested?That's actually two very different questions. 3a. I have a very hard time noticing when a girl is into me. In the rare event that I think a girl is into me, I often mistake it for when she's really just being nice. Trying to read a girls interest is really difficult. 3b. Yes I do have a problem of fixating on girls who made it clear they aren't into me. Very rarely do I ever get any female attention. When somebody treats me a little nicer than everybody else, I latch on to her. With enough time spent with her, I start to get obsessed and the only way to get over her is to be with somebody else or just stop seeing her. Since I hardly ever get girls, being with somebody else, is never an option. So no contact in the only way to get over somebody. 4- Have you asked out every girl in your social circle? No. 5- Are you not really a nice guy? Cocky behavior is one thing, it isn't my thing but it can be charming. But lots of the dating tips for guys just mean acting like a dick. And truth is, some girls will go for it. They are generally low self-esteem drama queens, but I won't deny it works. Who it won't work with is a girl who is nice and has some self-esteem. She might hang out with you, but she's pretty unlikely to date you. Actual charming people make others feel better about themselves.Yes, I am a nice, kind guy. Sure I tease and am mean sometimes. It's just to balance out being too nice. I don't have a clue how to do the cocky stuff. 6- Do you kind of hate women? Do you think things like "Women never like nice guys!" "Women are illogical!" or "Women like to blame other people and never take responsibility for themselves!" Then you aren't a nice guy so stop complaining about how women don't like nice guys.Maybe. Just because I'm bitter due to getting nothing from women, does not mean I'm not a nice guy. I'm never rude to women or disrespect them. How I think about women when I'm by myself, isn't really relevant. 7- Do you look too hard for signs that she isn't interested? If you ask a woman if she'd like to go to dinner on Tuesday and she says no, but she could go Thursday she is interested. If she isn't texting you or calling you but she regularly accepts dates, she's either not a phone person, really busy, or feels uncomfortable calling guys who she has just started seeing. It doesn't mean she isn't interested.Kind of. Naturally I expect the worst. And when something happens I tend to blow it way out of proportion. There's a girl who I like that goes to my school that I mentioned a few times on this forum. I've brought her to my apartment a few times to hang out and play video games. When I was dropping her off, I tried give her a hug and she declined saying that she isn't comfortable hugging people. It seemed like a lie to me. I have hugged her before, several months ago. A few days later we went to a club meeting and when it ended it was dark outside. She knows I take the bus home and the bus stop was halfway between the club room and her dorm about a 15 min walk. When we get to the bus stop she said, "Ok, I got to get going. See you." She was basically telling me, "You're getting on the bus, you are not going to walk me to my dorm. For whatever reason she did not want me to walk with her to the dorms, which I've done many times. She'd rather walk by herself, for about 10 min when it's dark out. I took that as a huge red flag, because if she liked me even a little bit, she would not have sent me away. It really hurt me that she did that. I was worried about her safety and that she subtly told me to leave her alone. I may be over-reacting, I don't know. Edited December 4, 2010 by somedude81
griffinchicken53 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 i seem to fit a few of these. 1. i can be antisocial. when out somewhere and talking to a woman, i wonder if it is embarrassing to her and are her friends going to make fun of her for having talked to me.? 2. i won't say i'm ugly (although one time i emailed my picture to a girl i was chatting with) she said i was ugly and to leave her alone. that kind of hurt a little and planted a seed of self-doubt. 3a. when it comes to women, i would need the cliff notes for the idiot's guilde to the idiot's guide to understanding women. not sure if a woman has ever shown interest in me. maybe she had and i just thought she was being nice 3b. yea i have fixated before on one girl. and looking back, i dodged a bullet with that one and a few others. but i thought "this is the next girl i want to go out with" so even if someone did show interest i'd probably feel like i'm having to settle or going for second best. (and i hate that i can think like that) 4. doesn't really fit me. i have a small social circle. just about all the women i know are married or girlfriends to my guy friends. i've had that thought of being shot down and then awkwardness a few times, so maybe not asking was the best decision. 5. i'm a nice guy but have tried to be a bit of an ass. didn't work out. ignoring or showing disinterest in a woman might have made myself more appealing to her, but that's not who i would want to date. does being a bad guy mean you have an appreciation for a woman's breasts? 6. i don't hate women but i have felt slighted. the woman crying on my shoulder cuz she can't find a good guy. then goes for the guy who bangs her and then never calls her again. 7. i tend to read into things. am i being ignored, is she just trying to be nice, etc. just because i'll pick up my phone on the first ring doesn't mean everyone else does. maybe they didn't pick up because they couldn't. sometimes this insecurity can show through and cause it's own big bag of problems.
BobSacamento Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I'm in my later 30s and have had about 10 dates, none which have led to a second date. 1- yes, I don't approach because I don't want to be shot down and risk being called a creep. 2- I'm a bit overweight and I have no idea what to do when it comes to clothes. A number of women have said they like how I look. I don't really know where I stand here. 3- No one has approached me in all these years. I've never noticed anyone interested though most men, let alone women, can read body language far better than I can. I'm really clueless here. 4- I've never asked out any woman in my social circle. Why would I want to ruin a friendship, which is what I fear would happen? My social circle is not very big as it is. 5- I think I'm a nice guy and it seems to me to be the type of nice guy who can't get dates. 6- I've blamed just about everybody out of frustration, but I've blamed other men more than women and I blame myself a lot. 7- If she makes a list of requirements and I meet all but one I don't contact her. I think she may be offended if I did. A few women have sent out flirts in the online dating. I liked what they had to offer very much, but I don't think I met their requirements so I didn't respond. If a woman says "no" to a date once I don't contact her again. I don't think she'd be very happy if I did. Nice guy who CAN'T get dates. We aren't buying it. It's not that you can't get dates, it's that you won't try.
musemaj11 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Im a naturally nice guy. But Im working hard to reprogram my mind into being a jerk.
PJKino Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 (edited) Im unattractive, i wouldnt say im anti social but i have to know you to open up to you and im horrible at meeting strangers and small talking with people i dont know which makes it very hard for me to approach women Add in im terrifed of reejection because it just reaffirms to me how women dont find me attractive Edited December 4, 2010 by PJKino
BambooLand Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 do u really wear a dress? and why don't u try, don't you have urges! Most woman aren't into guys that wear a dress unfortunatley, for me anyways. It's part of who I am and it puts a huge damper on my efforts. Even though I am good looking and have all the money I need. I think I could be a good BF/husband, just need to find someone who will accept who I am and some lifestyle quirks I have.
Els Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 For whatever reason she did not want me to walk with her to the dorms, which I've done many times. She'd rather walk by herself, for about 10 min when it's dark out. I took that as a huge red flag, because if she liked me even a little bit, she would not have sent me away. It really hurt me that she did that. I was worried about her safety and that she subtly told me to leave her alone. I may be over-reacting, I don't know. I think she just didn't want to lead you on. Your actions made it clear that you liked her, and she didn't want you to waste your time on her when there wasn't any chance of reciprocation. It's a really thin line between 'not leading a guy on' and 'hurting his feelings', y'know.
dispatch3d Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 "You can't blame a guy for trying." not huge on that one line. I never take the attitude of you can't blame me for trying. It actually offends me a little. To me it implies this particular girl is so much better than me (in some way) so there is no doubt I would "try to get her". It's not really about that. For me now it's more about just being social. I don't "hit on" a girl and "attempt" to get laid. That's just stupid in my current mindset. I just talk to people, and the relationship falls whereever on the scale it should. There's no ask out this girl then fail. **** that ****. Failure is about as real as success is. It's more talk to this girl, see if we get along well. If we get along really well maybe ask her out on a date and then get the number (not vice versa ). But I don't worry about the date part, it's just part of the interaction if she seems into me/I am into her.
BobSacamento Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 "You can't blame a guy for trying." not huge on that one line. I never take the attitude of you can't blame me for trying. It actually offends me a little. To me it implies this particular girl is so much better than me (in some way) so there is no doubt I would "try to get her". It's not really about that. For me now it's more about just being social. I don't "hit on" a girl and "attempt" to get laid. That's just stupid in my current mindset. I just talk to people, and the relationship falls whereever on the scale it should. There's no ask out this girl then fail. **** that ****. Failure is about as real as success is. It's more talk to this girl, see if we get along well. If we get along really well maybe ask her out on a date and then get the number (not vice versa ). But I don't worry about the date part, it's just part of the interaction if she seems into me/I am into her. I don't really look at it that way. I look at it as level of insecurity. When you try you are showing that you are secure with yourself. Her rejection of you can be a reflection of her insecurity.
dispatch3d Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I don't really look at it that way. I look at it as level of insecurity. When you try you are showing that you are secure with yourself. Her rejection of you can be a reflection of her insecurity. Humm thanks. That actually gels with a ton of things I've been thinking about. I think the two ideas can be meshed a bit. Like replace the word friendships - or whatever - with level of security and you're fine. I'm starting to be less involved with other peoples insecurities (because of my drama strike I think, although it's been like 2 days) and I think that's really helping. I find it way way way way easier now to ask out or talk to girls than it's ever been. There's some really good advice by sanskirt and Unknown fire (I think that was the second guy) in this thread.
Floridaman Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 i seem to fit a few of these. 5. i'm a nice guy but have tried to be a bit of an ass. didn't work out. ignoring or showing disinterest in a woman might have made myself more appealing to her, but that's not who i would want to date. does being a bad guy mean you have an appreciation for a woman's breasts? I'm with you there. Being an ass is never something I ever considered or would want to be. A book on dating I once read recommended breaking a date you had set up (this would be a later date in your dating)- just to make sure the girl/guy doesn't take you for granted. I did that. No problem. Months later, I told my GF (future wife) what I did, as recommened in the book. She said she doesn't like "guys playing games." So not everything you read is good to do. 1. i can be antisocial. when out somewhere and talking to a woman, i wonder if it is embarrassing to her and are her friends going to make fun of her for having talked to me.? Don't think that. Don't ever worry about what other people think of your actions if your actions are proper. If those women laugh at you for that, they're not the kind of girls you'd want to be dating anyway. 2. i won't say i'm ugly (although one time i emailed my picture to a girl i was chatting with) she said i was ugly and to leave her alone. that kind of hurt a little and planted a seed of self-doubt. Dittos from the above answer. That girl - noticed I didn't say WOMAN - was the female equivalent of a pr**k. Even if it were true, that's nothing anyone should say to another living human being. So take things like that with a grain of salt. Next time you hear something like that, you might fire back with a, "So nice to hear from you too.... Making freinds I see?" or some kind of non-threatening zinger/insult that may wake her up to the junk she says. Sounds like you need to look for some better quality of girls.
Floridaman Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 (edited) You're missing out if you don't at least try in your social circle. You already know these women so you're ahead there as you have some things in common already. If you feel nervous about asking out someone you already know, please carefully consider some women you know that you could ask out. It might pay off. I only recently realized I could have asked out a girl I sat next to in college. She was always making conversation with me, but I never picked up on this. I had at least one thing in common with her: that class. My mistake and loss for not considering asking her out. Re: that earlier advice, many of you are analytical and do a lot of thinking in your work and job searches. Perhaps you could apply a similar strategy to girls you know. Seriously, make a list of the eligible girls in your social circle that might be receptive to you asking them out. Write down what you know about them that might be similar (or different) than you. It's assumed these girls are similar in age to you (i.e. you're 25-27, Penny91 is 20, Elaina is 31-33 she said in a post.) Such a list might look like this (these are your notes, not mine): ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jannah- Likes poetry (like me). Likes similar music. Likes world travel, etc. Oftens talks with me about ____ Elaina. Likes international people and cultures. Speaks another language (like me). Similar religious feelings. Have talked about this ____ topic together. LisaLee- Very expressive. Likes ___ hobby I like. Likes movies I like. Penny91- From a farm town like me. Not very outgoing. Kind of quiet and shy. (like me) Doesn't date a lot (like me). Might say yes... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I made some stuff up there but used a little of what I know about some other female posters here.... so Penny, Jannah, et. al., don't take any of that as a criticism.... The names haven't been changed to protect the innocent... When making such a list, don't focus on looks as that's not important here. Don't get into sexual history or dating history, as you likely won't know any of that anyway early in dating. (Unless you know that Mary lived with some guy and has a kid or drinks heavily, is known to be promiscous, etc. and those kind of things are deal-breakers for you...) The single guys here probably only know things in general about the women they might consider asking out. This strategy might help focus efforts.. Edited December 9, 2010 by Floridaman
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