eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Have you ever experienced this? An explicable draw? There is a guy I've become friends with that I can't get off my mind. I think the feeling is mutual. He texts me every day but the texting goes nowhere. I think we're both not really willing to let it. That's because he's dating my friend. Or rather, he's not dating her. He wanted a relationship with her, but she's not ready, so they just hang out as friends. But she said she'd be bothered if I got close to him. She flipped out when we hooked up a few weeks ago. And then she forgave us. It was the logical thing to do, since she doesn't want to be with him. But she'd be upset to know I was hanging out with him behind hr back, and I don't want to lose her friendship, by crossing that line again. But I don't often connect with anyone. I am the loneliest person you know. I'm incapable of letting my guard down, generally. That's why I'm so disappointed. I'm so drawn to him. I feel like being with him would be the most natural thing in the world.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 This is such a fcvked up situation. I am giving her relationship advice. WTF is wrong with ALL of us.
brainygirl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Either he's single and available, or he's in a relationship and not available. I don't think you can "call" a guy like we did when we were kids calling the window seat on a road trip. Plus . . . if you've already been intimate with him then you can't really go back to being just acquaintances. You are right though, sounds like a messed up situation.
skydiveaddict Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I am the loneliest person you know. I highly doubt that
sanskrit Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 A real friend won't ever stand in the way of your prospective happiness with someone they aren't interested in merely due to mild discomfort on their part. When taking one for the team, be pretty sure the team would take one for you. Used to not be this cynical, but dozens of experiences with this exact situation have changed me some. Fool around with friends' significant exes or serious love interests, absolutely not, everyone else is fair game, and if the friend pitches attitude about it, tell them to grow the f up.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Either he's single and available, or he's in a relationship and not available. I don't think you can "call" a guy like we did when we were kids calling the window seat on a road trip. Really, you think? I feel guilty pursuing him because I feel like I'm messing in their fledgling relationship. She has liked him for a long time but he was in another relationship until now. However after dating him she says the chemistry isn't there for her, it wasn't what she expected. I told BOTH of them the only reason we hooked up was because I was horny and lonely, that I wasn't into him, and that it would never happen again. The other day we all hung out as a threesome. It was fun because we're all close with each other but pretty weird, I felt like we were messing with social boundaries of what is normal. At the end of the night we just stood in the wind, wondering who was gonna sleep where. We should have all just hooked up but I wound up going home with the girl.
welikeincrowds Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 This is such a fcvked up situation. I am giving her relationship advice. WTF is wrong with ALL of us. :laugh: God that's great. I can so relate to this. Dating makes us all do really quite stupid things. And we do it over and over again, sometimes hoping for different results. I mean, just the other day I was reading about this girl who had been fantasizing about one of her coworkers, for like 3 years or something. She ended up learning once and for all that it was unrequited, and she was crushed. It became so awkward for her, because obviously she had to keep going in to work. But then, it turns out, just as soon as that fiasco ended, she started fantasizing about another coworker! Dating. It's just so funny sometimes. You deserve a good man, OP. You really do.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 A real friend won't ever stand in the way of your prospective happiness with someone they aren't interested in merely due to mild discomfort on their part. When taking one for the team, be pretty sure the team would take one for you. Used to not be this cynical, but dozens of experiences with this exact situation have changed me some. Fool around with friends' significant exes or serious love interests, absolutely not, everyone else is fair game, and if the friend pitches attitude about it, tell them to grow the f up. Well, to give her credit, I legitimately believe that at this point, she's still confused about what she wants from this guy. She crushed on him for 2 years before they dated, so I can understand her reluctance in letting it go. I think she WANTS to feel something, to make it work. However, from being privy to their problems from both ends, it just sounds like the chemistry isn't there, which makes me feel better because I feel a LOT of chemistry between us. To give her more credit, she would most definitely take one for our team. I don't have a best friendship type of connection with this girl where we know each other inside out and finish sentences for each other, but over the years, we have been very loyal to each other, and I want to be the kind of friend she can rely on, the kind of friend she's been to me. She's probably my closest girlfriend at the moment. She has also said on many occasions that she just has a weird feeling we are going to start dating, and she doesn't want to stand between us if we like each other. I think she means it. Her forgiveness of our hookup has been genuine. (In fact, in a weird way, it brought us closer.) But as I said, I've been denying it. I just don't want to snatch her guy before she's done with him.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 :laugh: God that's great. I can so relate to this. Dating makes us all do really quite stupid things. And we do it over and over again, sometimes hoping for different results. I mean, just the other day I was reading about this girl who had been fantasizing about one of her coworkers, for like 3 years or something. She ended up learning once and for all that it was unrequited, and she was crushed. It became so awkward for her, because obviously she had to keep going in to work. But then, it turns out, just as soon as that fiasco ended, she started fantasizing about another coworker! Dating. It's just so funny sometimes. You deserve a good man, OP. You really do. You crack me up. At least this guy and I are friends tho.
Nemicron Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Sounds like your friend is kinda being a cock blocker of some type. And if I were you I'd try and see if you can talk to her and ask her to stop playing these types of games Have you ever experienced this? An explicable draw? There is a guy I've become friends with that I can't get off my mind. I think the feeling is mutual. He texts me every day but the texting goes nowhere. I think we're both not really willing to let it. That's because he's dating my friend. Or rather, he's not dating her. He wanted a relationship with her, but she's not ready, so they just hang out as friends. But she said she'd be bothered if I got close to him. She flipped out when we hooked up a few weeks ago. And then she forgave us. It was the logical thing to do, since she doesn't want to be with him. But she'd be upset to know I was hanging out with him behind hr back, and I don't want to lose her friendship, by crossing that line again. But I don't often connect with anyone. I am the loneliest person you know. I'm incapable of letting my guard down, generally. That's why I'm so disappointed. I'm so drawn to him. I feel like being with him would be the most natural thing in the world.
Star Gazer Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Would you be drawn to him if he was completely available and there were no obstacles?
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) Would you be drawn to him if he was completely available and there were no obstacles? I think so. Moreover, I think in addition to this "draw", he is a realistic candidate for a relationship (unlike for example my conservative catholic republican boss, who I doubt would be able to reconcile my past with who I am now and strive to be in the future). We have VERY similar tastes in just about everything and have been through similar experiences emerging in nearly identical positions on the other side. My crush began on the day we showed off our collapsed veins to each other, from having donated plasma too often in our pasts. He's the closest to a male version of myself I've ever met. I am usually into guys that are the opposite - the wholesome all-american athlete types whom I tend to creep out- but I'm finding myself oddly captivated by this guy. I'm not even necessarily looking for a relationship here. I just want to spend more time with him. It's been SO long since I connected to anyone and I see potential for a real connection here. Edited November 5, 2010 by eerie_reverie
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 What i would really like to do is ask him to watch a movie this weekend. But I really don't want to be a back-stabbing bitch. Do you guys think that would be appropriate or not?
sanskrit Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Well, you know her, we don't of course, but my hunch is that the only reason she is displaying some residual interest in this guy is because she senses you have some interest. Based on what you have typed, would let the issues resolve between her and this particular one and then see to what extent your own feelings are motivated by "forbidden fruit" before proceeding, but next time, start using a "don't ask" philosophy which you will find helps cut through some human nature BS.
Nemicron Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Thats what I was thinking. So I'd say go for it. Screw what your friend thinks. Well, you know her, we don't of course, but my hunch is that the only reason she is displaying some residual interest in this guy is because she senses you have some interest. Based on what you have typed, would let the issues resolve between her and this particular one and then see to what extent your own feelings are motivated by "forbidden fruit" before proceeding, but next time, start using a "don't ask" philosophy which you will find helps cut through some human nature BS.
Surrealist Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Seriously what is going on here? You only started the following thread a few days ago. How long ago did the office incident drama unfold and is this yet again a different person you're suddenly crazy about? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251328/
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Seriously what is going on here? You only started the following thread a few days ago. How long ago did the office incident drama unfold and is this yet again a different person you're suddenly crazy about? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251328/ No, this is the same person, not my boss but the other guy. Are you implying that I shoudl be grieving for the unrequited thing with my boss longer or something? It's already been three years, I think it's high time i move on.
denise_xo Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Either she's with him, or she's not. If she's not, he's free game. Back when I was 17 or so, my best friend got together with a guy I was madly in love with and who I had briefly had a fling with not long before. It hurt like hell but I never blamed her - he wasn't my 'property' and I had no right to tell her to stay off.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 I am really surprised by the responses. I expected to be burnt alive for so much as considering hooking up with a friend's ex/ love interest/ whatever. I'm still not comfortable pursuing him tho. It goes against my natural loyalty for my friend.
denise_xo Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I am really surprised by the responses. I expected to be burnt alive for so much as considering hooking up with a friend's ex/ love interest/ whatever. I'm still not comfortable pursuing him tho. It goes against my natural loyalty for my friend. Well, this stood out for me in terms of answering your OP the way I did: He wanted a relationship with her, but she's not ready, so they just hang out as friends. But she said she'd be bothered if I got close to him. If they'd had a really serious LTR and he had then dumped her and she was still grieving or something, that would be a bit different. Anyway, you're a nice friend!
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Well, this stood out for me in terms of answering your OP the way I did: . If they'd had a really serious LTR and he had then dumped her and she was still grieving or something, that would be a bit different. Anyway, you're a nice friend! She is the one who keeps going back and forth with him. Her stance is, she doens't want a relationship with him right now, but might in the future, which is why she'd be bothered if I went after him. She does have a tendency to call "dibs" on guys that we meet, and I have a tendency to let her do her thing, figuring if he's into me, it'll work out (it never works out.) I respect her call even more in this situation because she'd liked him for a long time before any of this. However, I wish she'd make up her mind. It's not fair to string him along. I feel like a vulture.
denise_xo Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 She is the one who keeps going back and forth with him. Her stance is, she doens't want a relationship with him right now, but might in the future, which is why she'd be bothered if I went after him. She does have a tendency to call "dibs" on guys that we meet, and I have a tendency to let her do her thing, figuring if he's into me, it'll work out (it never works out.) I respect her call even more in this situation because she'd liked him for a long time before any of this. However, I wish she'd make up her mind. It's not fair to string him along. I feel like a vulture. I find the bit in bold pretty unreasonable. If I were you, I'd kind of go with it at least in terms of finding out discretely whether there's potential [discretely, without too much drama ]. I mean, what is she going to say if the two of you hit it off? Is she going to turn to him and say 'but you were supposed to be available for me at that point in the future when I have made up my mind that I want to be with you'??? It's just a bit on the surreal side. But I see why you're torn and at the end of the day I guess you just have to assess the extent that going with her logic and maintaining that friendship comes first.
Cee Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Before you lose a female friend over this, what are the odds that this man wants you for an LTR? Hookups happen all over the world and lead nowhere. I think many on Love Shack will attest to that. I've fallen into that trap 10,000 times (well, it feels like that). I'll hook up with a guy and think that he wants to be my boyfriend. I'll be gaga over him only to discover that he doesn't give a rats azz about me. What has this guy done or said that indicates that he's into you? Text messages don't count for anything. Live dates do.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Blah. I think I'm going to back off this thing. I don't feel good knowing he wants her.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Before you lose a female friend over this, what are the odds that this man wants you for an LTR? Hookups happen all over the world and lead nowhere. I think many on Love Shack will attest to that. I've fallen into that trap 10,000 times (well, it feels like that). I'll hook up with a guy and think that he wants to be my boyfriend. I'll be gaga over him only to discover that he doesn't give a rats azz about me. What has this guy done or said that indicates that he's into you? Text messages don't count for anything. Live dates do. Looking at it that way, I guess the answer is nothing. But from that perspective, I'm totally hopeless. I don't get asked out on live dates... ever. But in my mind, that's cause I'm not approachable.
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