OceanGirl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Ever since my short break from dating, I have felt so much better and more stable emotionally. I bought a house (its perfect ), I got my work projects back on track, I got my relationships with friends and family sorted, I went back to exercising regularly. All of those things completely fell apart when I was attempting to date for 3 + months. When I am dating a guy that I even remotely like, I am constantly crippled by waiting for him to contact me. If he doesn't respond to my message immediately, I stare at the phone for hours unable to do anything else. I am unable to work or enjoy going out with friends. I feel so exposed and vulnerable that I am on the verge of tears pretty much all the time. So as much as I want a relationship you can see why I truly don't want to go back to that sad place again. In the 2 or so years where I didn't do online dating or anything really to actively seek out dates, I basically got hit on by a few creepy guys in my every day life, but that was it. I can easily see next 5 years going by and not meeting anyone unless I am proactive about it. For me, it never happened when I least expected it. NEVER. I hate that lame saying. I was asked out more when I was younger, but in my age group, there is just less and less available men. I am very tempted to just give up on dating and don't actively seek it out. To be OK and fully accepting of the possibility of never having a relationship.
TheBigQuestion Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Ever since my short break from dating, I have felt so much better and more stable emotionally. I bought a house (its perfect ), I got my work projects back on track, I got my relationships with friends and family sorted, I went back to exercising regularly. All of those things completely fell apart when I was attempting to date for 3 + months. When I am dating a guy that I even remotely like, I am constantly crippled by waiting for him to contact me. If he doesn't respond to my message immediately, I stare at the phone for hours unable to do anything else. I am unable to work or enjoy going out with friends. I feel so exposed and vulnerable that I am on the verge of tears pretty much all the time. So as much as I want a relationship you can see why I truly don't want to go back to that sad place again. In the 2 or so years where I didn't do online dating or anything really to actively seek out dates, I basically got hit on by a few creepy guys in my every day life, but that was it. I can easily see next 5 years going by and not meeting anyone unless I am proactive about it. For me, it never happened when I least expected it. NEVER. I hate that lame saying. I was asked out more when I was younger, but in my age group, there is just less and less available men. I am very tempted to just give up on dating and don't actively seek it out. To be OK and fully accepting of the possibility of never having a relationship. An honest question and not at all meant to be insulting: Have you ever sought any professional help for how you deal with dating and relationships? I know you realize it isn't healthy to be so emotionally invested and focused on a guy you're only starting to date, like in the scenario you described above. I mean, that happened to me ONCE in my entire life and was a result of the woman being hot/cold, but you imply that it happens with pretty much every guy you date. I think if you can sort out this obsessive behavior, you'd be way happier and way more comfortable with dating.
Author OceanGirl Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Not every guy I date but every guy I like that I date. I have never done counseling because it is extremely hard to find a good one. I really don't want to expand tons of time/energy in search for the right counselor. The very thought of it makes me incredibly depressed and I am depressed enough as it is. I would rather do something fun with my free time.
GivenUp0083 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I can totally understand where you're coming from, my story sounds the exact same. My only thing was I wouldn't wait for these women to call me back as much as I would just know (call it a 6th sense) when they weren't going to call me back or go out with me again. Let's just say I could tell they had lost interest but they didn't have the respect to even tell me after 5 or so dates. They would just ignore me for eternity. This used to give me anxiety attacks. I didn't know what they were at first and it eventually lead me to therapy which was one of the best decisions I ever made. Long story short, dating sucks period and meeting new people is harder and harder with the whole social network and internet age. I don't know your situation or your past experiences, but if I've learned anything from a year of torturing myself through online dating it's this: It's not worth getting all upset about. Most people in relationships or marriages aren't even THAT much more happy than you or I. Many of them are doing it for status, money, or other stupid reasons. You need to focus on doing things you love that make you happy without worrying about if someone is with you or making yourself accomdating to a potential suitor or worrying about if he'll call you back. If you really sit down and make a list of things you want to do that would make you happier and go out and try them, do them....you'll find yourself having more fun, laughing, smiling, and then guess what. You'll end up meeting more like-minded people who share a similar interest. That's better than a website trying to match you and you deciding who is creepy or not and then finding out they're douchebags who don't call when they say or whatever. That's all I can really give you from my similar experience. If you wanna chat more about it sometime send me a message. I've been through all of this and I'm over it, and I'm a lot happier now.
TheBigQuestion Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Not every guy I date but every guy I like that I date. I have never done counseling because it is extremely hard to find a good one. I really don't want to expand tons of time/energy in search for the right counselor. The very thought of it makes me incredibly depressed and I am depressed enough as it is. I would rather do something fun with my free time. That's understandable, but at the same time, this is something that has been bothering you for a very long time. You also imply that you haven't made a whole lot of progress in changing that for yourself. Maybe it's time to bite the bullet and just look for some sort of professional help, then?
Insanitylater Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Have you ever sought any professional help for how you deal with dating and relationships? Almost everyone keeps telling her the same thing over and over. My personal opinion. I think she likes the attention here telling her stories as much as she was hooked on dealing with all the idiots in the dating world.
GivenUp0083 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Not every guy I date but every guy I like that I date. I have never done counseling because it is extremely hard to find a good one. I really don't want to expand tons of time/energy in search for the right counselor. The very thought of it makes me incredibly depressed and I am depressed enough as it is. I would rather do something fun with my free time. I had never been to therapy before this either and thought the same thing. I had to call like 7 different therapists until I found a guy who had time, and he was a really cool guy. He really just helped me think of it in a different light, see things differently than I had been forcing myself to perceive them. I wish I hadn't gotten laid off and still had insurance because I loved going after the first couple sessions. It's great because you can tell them anything and get a lot off your chest. I would always feel 10 times better after leaving because the weight you're bearing can be lifted by someone else. It feels great and I wish I could still go. Take it from someone who's been in your shoes and been to a therapist. You'll be happy you went.
BrianK Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Date, just dont use the online dating sites..wait for the guys to come to you and take it slooooooow. You seem attractive, so I would lessen the emphasis on needing to be accepted. Remember, these guys are just strangers until you really get to know them. I'd delete the online dating profiles and get back to doing what YOU want and get your life sorted out.
Els Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 When I am dating a guy that I even remotely like, I am constantly crippled by waiting for him to contact me. If he doesn't respond to my message immediately, I stare at the phone for hours unable to do anything else. I am unable to work or enjoy going out with friends. I feel so exposed and vulnerable that I am on the verge of tears pretty much all the time. So as much as I want a relationship you can see why I truly don't want to go back to that sad place again. If this is truly how you handle crushes and relationships, I certainly think it's a great decision to not date until such a time (if or when) you can solve this problem. Not only is it detrimental to your life and work, but it will also almost surely cause the downfall of any relationship before it even begins. I mean, most of us aren't perfect; I'm sure as much as people here like to brag that they have a full life and don't really care if the other person calls, etc... I'm sure we have all been guilty of waiting for the phone or spending some unproductive time daydreaming about or missing someone. I think it's part of normal emotions and behaviour. But yours isn't anywhere near healthy or normal, it really isn't. I figure you know this already, so I'm not going to harp on it. But yes; because of this, I think you made a great decision, and I really hope you stick to it.
Author OceanGirl Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 I can totally understand where you're coming from, my story sounds the exact same. My only thing was I wouldn't wait for these women to call me back as much as I would just know (call it a 6th sense) when they weren't going to call me back or go out with me again. Let's just say I could tell they had lost interest but they didn't have the respect to even tell me after 5 or so dates. They would just ignore me for eternity. This used to give me anxiety attacks. I didn't know what they were at first and it eventually lead me to therapy which was one of the best decisions I ever made. Long story short, dating sucks period and meeting new people is harder and harder with the whole social network and internet age. I don't know your situation or your past experiences, but if I've learned anything from a year of torturing myself through online dating it's this: It's not worth getting all upset about. Most people in relationships or marriages aren't even THAT much more happy than you or I. Many of them are doing it for status, money, or other stupid reasons. You need to focus on doing things you love that make you happy without worrying about if someone is with you or making yourself accomdating to a potential suitor or worrying about if he'll call you back. If you really sit down and make a list of things you want to do that would make you happier and go out and try them, do them....you'll find yourself having more fun, laughing, smiling, and then guess what. You'll end up meeting more like-minded people who share a similar interest. That's better than a website trying to match you and you deciding who is creepy or not and then finding out they're douchebags who don't call when they say or whatever. That's all I can really give you from my similar experience. If you wanna chat more about it sometime send me a message. I've been through all of this and I'm over it, and I'm a lot happier now. I have observed the bolded as well. There are many married people who are despairtely unhappy. There are people that know me well and that have seen me during the 3+ months that I actively did online dating. I chose not to tell them about it. They all pretty much commented on how unhappy I looked. The thought of meeting another random guy fills me with dread
dispatch3d Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Yeah I'm not a fan of consouling either. Man how's that for awful spelling. That's how much I don't like you counsoulers!! hahaha... Anyhow, time to stop kidding around. Serious business. So I'm pretty sure you are partly defined by your dating woes. Stop talking to your mom/taking more pressure from her saying you should be married or blablabla. Have it a condition that you can date ONLY IF you do all the things that you like about the new you. Stick to that plan bar none else. Won't even be that hard to enforce. What do you think are the underlying reasons behind all of the symptoms of problems you just listed? I wait on the guys every move yadayada. I don't remember them because it was much too far in the past for me. I'm like that dog in up. Squirrel!
GivenUp0083 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) I have observed the bolded as well. There are many married people who are despairtely unhappy. There are people that know me well and that have seen me during the 3+ months that I actively did online dating. I chose not to tell them about it. They all pretty much commented on how unhappy I looked. The thought of meeting another random guy fills me with dread Exactly. What's the point of doing something that makes you unhappy? Online dating isn't as simple and easy as some people make it sound. I think it actually has added pressure. If you ask someone out at the grocery store then they think maybe you just want to hang out or maybe they want to be friends or just see as it as a fun time to go out for drinks with new people. If you ask someone out online for a date the pressure is there whether this will develop into a love relationship because you know both of you are looking for it. You also develop certain expectations because of that pressure and you don't know how to proceed or what the timeframe is. I really know this isn't going to get me a LOT of dates, but I'm just going to try and be friends with women at this point. I have a few lady friends I can booty call once in a while when I really want it or need it, so getting sex from as many girls as I can isn't important, so being friends isn't a mistake for me (like many men falsify friendship to be). After I get to know them and if I REALLY click with someone and get along with them on a regular basis, then maybe I'll make a move. Or maybe I won't make a move and I'll just wait for her to give me a sign that she's interested in me. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, you need to try and focus on other things that make you happy, and the aura of your happiness will attract people you are compatible with. Edited November 5, 2010 by GivenUp0083
EricaH329 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I'm not sure if any of this has already been touched on, I apologize if it has. When I am dating a guy that I even remotely like, I am constantly crippled by waiting for him to contact me. If he doesn't respond to my message immediately, I stare at the phone for hours unable to do anything else. I am unable to work or enjoy going out with friends. I feel so exposed and vulnerable that I am on the verge of tears pretty much all the time. In my opinion, when a person is single they should reflect. On the past relationships they've had, and themselves. What have you done wrong that you would like to change in the future? What about you do you not like when it comes to dating? Your quote above speaks volumes. Perhaps you should dive into why you feel this way any time you start liking a guy? Then work towards filling the void in yourself that's causing these things to happen. If you don't improve who you are, and work on your flaws when you are single, all you are basically doing is waiting for the same relationships in your life to repeat themselves. I am very tempted to just give up on dating and don't actively seek it out. To be OK and fully accepting of the possibility of never having a relationship. I think that's a bit dramatic. You should be ok with the fact that you don't have anyone right now. Who cares about the future, when what you need to be focused on is the present?
BobSacamento Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 When you are dating do you date multiple people or just put all your eggs in one basket?
Author OceanGirl Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 When you are dating do you date multiple people or just put all your eggs in one basket? I have tried both. The problem is, even I am multi dating, I have a strong and clear preference for one guy. I will still obsess about that one guy and even think of him on other dates. It's to the point where I will barely notice if other guys have not responded/not called. I don't easily find someone that I really like so when I do - I completely freak out.
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