bernardverh Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 This situation sounds to me as if it could be fixed. But only if you have patience and are very relaxed in this. If she notices that you are happy and ok with yourself, she will run back to you. But if you show her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get back with her, she will definately run from you. She wants to know if things have changed. At this point I made the mistake myself. At the first contact showing that I was very willing to restore everything, I even proposed some sort of date. Ofcourse, at that point, I was in pain and wanted her back and that we lived happy again. She noticed it and shut the door even harder. Now, some time later, I don't regret it anymore. I've met new people, new girls. I can see now that my previous relationship was not good. So the question is, do you want to restore things? If yes, then you have to take it very slowly and still focus on your life instead of whether you hear from her.
Author SeekingYourGuidance Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 For the record, I deleted her text message without replying. At this point, her contact info isn't in my phone anymore so if she doesn't reply or call again then this is all moot. I don't want her back...I want the girl I fell in love with back. I'm not so sure she exists anymore so I'm not jumping at the bit to contact her and need more from her than a "hey, what's up" text message. I do fear that I may regret not replying sometime down the road when she tells me that she tried to get in touch with me. But folks, I ask myself this...if she really, really wanted to get back with me then why wouldn't she just call me? Mark
bernardverh Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 After 11 days of NC it's difficult to call you. She wants to protect her feelings too. That's why she sends you a message to open the conversation. She shows some honesty with writing that she thinks about you. At this point it's the best she can do. Remember she has no idea about how you are thinking about the situation. My advice would be to send her a small message back to open a door, hours, or a day later. Realize yourself that at this moment you are controlling the situation. All the above is just my view on the situation, my opinion. Ignore it if you don't like it, I can imagine that.
Author SeekingYourGuidance Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Ok, so I thought more about it and figured she deserved some kind of a response. However, since I deleted her info from my phone I sent an email instead. I also decided to just take the "high road" and not play any games with her or let myself get played or reeled back in. This is what I wrote: Hi, I got you text. Thank you for thinking about me...it feels good to know that you just didn't forget about Mister Mahhk I wanted to pick up the phone and call you but didn't think it was a good idea as we try to move on with our lives. I care about you and really hope you're doing well, Mark That response is about all I have in me at this point. I thought about it for awhile...I realized that I don't think I could open my heart to her again and because of that....what would be the point of trying to save/restore this? We would just end up back here again....I'm all set with that! I won't be holding my breath waiting for a response either...just going to stay focused on moving forward and learning from this experience. I'm a good guy...there is someone out there who will benefit from this and love & appreciate me greatley...this I know. Thanks for reading/commenting/sharing Mark
Author SeekingYourGuidance Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 Hi all, Just a quick update...it has been NC since she sent that text five days ago and I'll tell you it hasn't been easy. I find myself checking my email looking for a reply more than I would like. Also, I went out last night and thought for sure I saw her in the company of a guy on several occasions - thankfully, it wasn't her but the feeling of being out and running into her was not one I had thought about or prepared for. I'm staying strong...I know we were not right for one another on many levels but I loved her and gave us everything I had...it's not easy just picking up and moving on. Mark
bernardverh Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 Great that you're staying strong, it's a difficult period for you. Did you already decide whether you would want to try a new thing with her, or have you definately closed that book? I think this is still the most important question. In my opinion you decide what is going to happen. Your email was strong. It sent her mixed feelings by saying that you wanted to contact her but that you think it's better to don't do that. I think she will contact you again sooner or later, trying to find out what you want.
Author SeekingYourGuidance Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 hi bernardverh, I was hoping that you would reply. It is a difficult period for me...I'm trying to avoid places and things that reminds me of her but it isn't easy. I would love to try it again with her but things would have to be VERY different the second time around. However, the more I think about it I really don't see how we could ever be a happy couple. So a this point, I have mostly resigned myself from thinking about any kind of a future with her. My email...I don't want to play games with her...it's how I feel. My friends think she will contact me again too but I'm not so sure. It's a tough time....
bernardverh Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 I'm not thinking that you are playing games. Playing games will mostly only fool yourself. I talked about your mail to describe how I interpret your message. Take your time, try to enjoy your life. Everything will become more and more clear for yourself. It will be with her, or another girl, but in the end you will be happy in love again. Thinking about all possible scenarios between you and your ex takes a lot of energy and will not make you happier. Try really to focus on yourself and your friends, do fun things!
Author SeekingYourGuidance Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 hi bernardverh, I agree about playing games only leading to your own self being fooled and hurt. Thanks to your advise, I think the way I have handled this situation was done in way that has help me keep my sanity and pride in tact. It hurts to let someone go that you still love very much. There comes a point when you have to "man up" and realize what you have become (weak, clingy, needy). A few weeks ago, I was all of those things and it was not a nice place to be. As for me enjoying life...I have been very busy filling up my social calendar with fun things. However, even while doing those things I have found myself still thinking about her from time to time. I try to catch myself and remember the pain she caused me but sometimes I just can't help think about the good stuff we used to do. Someone said to me that these feelings won't go away until I start having new feelings for someone else. That seems so far away for me right now...ahhhh!
Author SeekingYourGuidance Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Well, after a week or so of NC she sent me an email yesterday. The email basically stated that she misses me, thinks about me all the time, and is sad about the fact that she lives just down the street but we are not together. She then closes with Happy Holidays. I thought about how to reply for hours...a friend suggested I call her. After retrieving her number from the phone company (I deleted it) I eventually got around to calling her. Mistake! I opened with something funny and then mentioned that I got her email and wanted to follow up with her. I then asked if we could meet to discuss her email and feelings toward where we are. She then gave me the run around about not having the time and that she was going away, blah, blah, blah. We left it with her saying that she would call tomorrow and let me know if she could squeeze a quick meeting in. A few minutes later I thought..."F that!" I sent her a text that said, "Hey, sorry, it was a mistake to call you. No need to call/text me back. See ya" She then replied with "Why do you say that?" I didn't answer her and about four hours later she sent another "Nothing?" The call to her was the final kick in the gut I needed to understand that she isnt' feeling the pain like am...that this isn't a tremendous loss to her and that she is moving on with little trouble. That's the way I see it...tell me otherwise if you think I'm all wrong here. For now on it will be NC and no reply when her next email/text comes.
bernardverh Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 My view on the situation: Her email expressed her real feelings, she was having difficulties with coping with the loss. Your last email showed that you were moving on, so she started to wonder how you could do that. I see her contacting you with this email as a big thing from her. She gave you a finger, a little insight in her feelings, and you tried to take the whole hand by calling her and asking to meet. During the conversation she discovered again that you still need her. At that point she pulls back, it's not interesting to meet a needy guy, anytime she wants. The text message to her showed some frustration which she reads as that you haven't got things back together, as she hoped. She hoped or hopes that you will be the strong guy again, who is relaxt and can cope with the situation. Who has other options and is busy with his life. I hope it's not cruel to read this reply, but it's my view on the situation. I think you're wrong about that she is moving on with little trouble. She already sent you multiple messages in which she said that she misses you. I know you think I see this as a game, and read my posts as a game plan, but that's not the truth. Women act upon their emotions, for them this is a normal thing to check how you are. Are you the strong man who can protect them and lead them? It's all very logical behaviour and far from a game. Myself I made the same mistake, like I said earlier. I took the whole hand, begged her for a date, then she crushed everything. It helped me to get back to my life, the chances on being with her were reduced to almost zero. When I knew the chances were almost zero, I had no choice then to live my life. I started having fun and even met nice girls. This changed everything. Now I don't even want her back anymore. The main conclusion is that you still need to get yourself together. Find something to focus on so that you don't focus on thoughts about her. This is a very difficult step for which I have no easy solution. You can do it like I did: talk to her, beg for a second chance and for sure she will tell you that that's impossible. If you talk and beg a bit more, she will tell that there was no love in the first place (ofcourse ridiculous but at that moment the truth), every chance on getting back together will be ruined, but it can make it a lot easier for you to get back to your life. If you want her back, you have to do the opposite. Be relaxed, show that you don't need her and over a fair amount of time meet with her for a simple coffee and talk about simple things. Like you would do with a new girl you just met.
Author SeekingYourGuidance Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Hi, A follow up...I really appreciate your input and know that you are writing and expressing your feelings from experience. I don't think you are playing games but I do think one has to have a game plan on how to handle this situation. With that said, I was following along and feeling better but eventually I got to the point where I felt I couldnt' truly move on without knowing if I was jeopardizing any chance with her. I didn't want to meet someone new only to have her call me in a few weeks and mess my head up again. I kind of pushed the issue because I needed some kind of idea at where her head was. Life is too short to live it in a limbo state...it's tough being in this place but I do feel a whole lot better than I did weeks ago. Thanks to your help Please continue to share your thoughts...I really do appreciate them HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Mark
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