Broke up. Now what?

[SeekingYourGuidance]

Hi everyone,

 

This is a bit long but please read on...I could sure use your help.

 

I had been "long distance" dating my GF for the past nine months. Things were going so well for us...we were in love...we talked about a future together and then started the ball rolling towards achieving that goal. I started a major renovation project in my place to accomodate her. She began to look for a new job in my city. She owned a home in her city and tried to sell it but the market was tough. Stress began to consume us and our relationship began to suffer. Things looked up again when she found a job in my city and began planning her move across country to be closer to me. Our original plan of living together was shelved in favor of her living with roomates - we both agreed that it would be better for everyone (our family wishes).

 

As she was tying up loose ends in her old neighborhood, I found out she had a male friend spend a night at her place. I confronted her with it the next day and she lied to me and denied it. After I pushed for the truth she admitted that he stayed but he was just a friend and "nothing" happened. I should understand. UGHHHHH, the pain was tremendous. I was sick for two days and felt I should bail out of the relationship. I was conflicted though as another part of me felt like she was moving here for me and that she must really love me. A few days later she informs me that her ex husband is driving 3 hours to come pick up his TV and that he will also be spending the night. UGHGHHHHHH...again, the pain. To make matters worse she didn't tell him I existed so we couldn't talk on the phone while he was there. Ouch! Her explanation to me was that they needed to finalize everthing and that I should understand that there was nothing between them and that they slept on seperate couches.

 

She arrives in my city and for the first week things are pretty good between us. I'm still hurting though but I do my best and help her find her way around the city and we are spending a lot of time together. She then tells me that she enjoys our time but also needs to make new friends and build a life of her own in the new city. Ugh! I thought she moved here to be with me but was finding out she had some other ideas on how things should play out.

 

During the day she would send plenty of "I love you" text mesages but I didn't feel loved by her at all and didn't feel like I was a top priority in her life. I confronted her on this numerous times but nothing seem to change. I began to think we were just in different places in our lives and wanted something else. A few other things took place that put me over the edge and after three weeks of her living in my city I finally called it off.

 

Since then I have been sick, sick, sick over it. Three days had passed with no contact. She then sent a text message asking where to vote. I told her to call me and we talked for a bit. During that call I also told her that I miss her terribly and had hoped we could talk about things. She said she would get back to me in a couple of days...time passed and no call. More painful days...aweful feeling...I finally broke down and sent her a message asking when we could talk. She said she would take the night to think about things and get back to me the next day (today). When she didn't call I sent her an email stating that I still was in love with her and still saw a future with us together. She then called me and said she was surprised to read that and thought I wasn't interested anymore. Finally, we agreed to talk in person tomorrow or Saturday night to figure out once and for all where we stand and what we want.

 

I have never been the vulnerable/desperate type so my actions in this relationship is KILLING me! My close friends tell me it's because I really do love her. I'm afraid as much as I want her back that she isn't good for me but the thought of letting her go is just unbearable for me. Ughhhhh!!

 

I know this was long but I appreciate you taking the time to read it and look forward to your words of wisdom.

 

Thank you,

 

Mark

[SeekingYourGuidance]

Hi everyone, I was really hoping some of you could offer me something here.

[bernardverh]

The starts sounds good, sounds like a good and normal relationship.

 

Then the issue with the male friend about who she lied:

This is a serious trust issue. Why did she lie about it? Dit you already act jealous before, so she had to lie about it? Try to figure out for yourself why she lied about this.

 

After this part everything sounds really bad. Not bad for the relationship, but bad in terms of your behaviour. I have no intention in making you look bad or bringing you down, but I want to be honest. I just went through some kind of the same situation myself and can see all the mistakes I made. So maybe I can help you wih my view and save your relation.

 

Some things I read:

"we are spending a lot of time together", this means you have no real goal in your life and she has become your goal. Spending a lot of time together is not good. You acted weak by showing that you wanted to give up everything for her. Women aren't attracted to weak men.

Ofcourse she moved there to be with you, she probably still feels a lot of attraction towards you. But since you started to act 'weak', you're not attractive anymore, so it starts to change.

 

"I confronted her on this numerous times but nothing seem to change", I recognize this part in my own bad behaviour from the last months. By saying this to your girlfriend you show to be weak again. You need her so much. Why would she want a man who needs her so much? Again this is not to be cruel to you, it's how women works unfortunately.

 

So at this moment she has an 'weak' image of you. This is not how you really are, but you have been tricked by your girl. It happens to a lot of guys. My advice for now would be:

- Try to start changing your behaviour by thinking how life without her would be like. Do the things that you would do if she wouldn't exist, i.e. friends, hobbies, etc. She is fun to have as an addition, she cannot be number 1 in your life.

- If you meet her now, control yourself and try to act as you would do with your best friend. That means no anger or saying strange things. She will notice the difference.

- Don't force or push a decision, because that will be a bad decision at this point. Try to have a nice evening and be cool. If you start acting cool now you can still save this, I think.

- Limit your contact, send less than what she sends you. Wait a bit with replying.

 

Your mindset has to be now: I'm happy with my life with or without her. She is lucky to be with me. Even if she will tell you that she wants to break up, be cool, say you'll understand and just go home.

 

Ok this all sounds very easy, but it's hell, I know it. If you can't do it, if you still act needy, weak, in pain, then your relationship is gone for sure and you will have more pain.

 

Goodluck!

[SeekingYourGuidance]

Wow bernardverh,

 

You have hit the nail on the head! I have been acting like a very weak man and I can't stand myself. Usually I man the much stronger one who doesn't show emotions and doesn't chase.

 

About her male friend...she said she didn't tell me things because she knew I would overreact...I would agree with her to a point. I never met the friend so I don't know anything about him and how they are together.

 

About not having a real goal...well, I have plenty of them and live a very active lifestyle. However, you are still correct - I did make her a numver one priority and it has eaten me up from the inside out. Ugh!!

 

We were supposed to meet today...she called and sent messages saying that it looked good. Then at the last minute she asked if we could wait until tomorrow afternoon. Again, this killed me because I feel as if my life is in "limbo" - waiting to either move ahead with her or move ahead without her.

 

As for changing my behavior...great, great advise! In fact, I started that process a couple of days ago. I removed her numbers from my phone, removed all of her belongings from my place, and have started to prepare myself for a life without her in it. However, this hasn't quieted down my brain and the thoughts continue to swarm me...at times getting me to the point where I break down to a pathetic & weak crying man. Damn! How did I let this happen to me?

 

Happy.... I have my good moments and know that no matter what happens when we meet, time will heal me.

 

I'm going to take your advise when/if we do meet...I won't act needy and will just try to listen to what she has to say. If it ends, I will be strong...that is until I get home and away from her then will surely cry myself to sleep...funny but not really

 

Mark

[SeekingYourGuidance]

Hi all,

 

After I read bernardverh's take on the matter I went for a run to clear my head. While outside I thought about taking this one step further to get some of my swagger and strength back. I am thinking of telling her that I can't make it tomorrow and that we will have to do it another time.

 

Do you think this a good or bad move on my behalf? Thoughts?

 

Mark

[bernardverh]

Hi all,

 

After I read bernardverh's take on the matter I went for a run to clear my head. While outside I thought about taking this one step further to get some of my swagger and strength back. I am thinking of telling her that I can't make it tomorrow and that we will have to do it another time.

 

Do you think this a good or bad move on my behalf? Thoughts?

 

Mark

 

It's a bit unclear how your situation is at the moment.

 

She lives in your city for 3 weeks now?

You broke up with her? 4 days ago?

You were the one initiating contact yesterday?

The meeting was planned by you?

 

Especially the part of contact initiation is important.

[SeekingYourGuidance]

Hi,

 

Yes, she has lived here for three weeks...things had been "off" since around August.

 

I broke up with her on Saturday...almost a week ago. When I did, she said she wanted to talk with me later in the week (maybe for closure). When I didn't hear from her that's when I contacted her. At that point (Tuesday) I asked when we would be talking and that I was regretting my decision to break and that I still wanted a future together. She then took this as a new revelation and said she would have to think about it and get back to me.

 

Well the days passed and we finally agreed to meet today and she cancelled stating that she was tired and needed a clear head to talk to me. She asked if we could meet on Saturday instead. I reluctantly agreed but stated that I would have to move my life schedule around to make some time. I couple of hours later I decided I was finished feeling "powerless" over the situation and sent her the following text: "Hi N, I'm sorry but tomorrow doesn't look good for me as I'm taking my daughter to a party from 2-5 and then am heading to Worcester for the evening" - both are true statements. She knows about both events as we were supposed to go to the party in Worcester together.

 

That's it bro, I'm done...I'm moving on and getting back in control of my life. You made it VERY clear to me when you stated that I was weak and that women are not attracted to weak men. I REALLY needed to hear that...

 

If she calls me and want to talk then I'll be willing to do so but I'm not counting on that phone ringing. All of her info has been deleted and I can't remember any of her digits. I'm sure I will have my ups and downs but at least for today, I feel like the chains have been removed and I can get back to living my life

[SeekingYourGuidance]

Hi all,

 

I didn't contact her and have been preparing to move ahead without her in my life. I realized that the relationship had become very unhealthy for both of us and the best thing to do was to let her go.

 

To my surprise she sent me a text message this morning stating that she was confused and wanted to talk. She asked if she could come over to my place for the talk. I resisted that and said that I would instead pick her up and we could go for a drive.

 

In the end, I made my feelings clear and stated that I loved her but and wanted to work towards resolving our issues. She couldn't say whether or not she wanted to be in a relationship with me and had asked for more time. At that point, I told her that wouldn't be fair and I think it was time to say our goodbyes. It was tough to do but I have to look out for myself and my own happiness. Going through the waiting game, feeling powerless over her decision didn't feel right to me. We hugged and said our goodbyes.

 

About an hour later, I sent her one last text message that said..."I think we should give this ONE last try...we have too much invested to walk away." It was a moment of weakness on my part but I do love her very much and moving on without her isn't going to be easy.

[bernardverh]

Respect for how you handled this situation! Too bad for the last message, but understandable, and respect that you know that that was not the best thing to do.

 

I think you will be very happy, sooner or later, if you continue on this track.

[SeekingYourGuidance]

hi bernardverh,

 

yes, I felt guilty after sending that last message...she replied a few hours later saying that I wouldn't give her time and that she didn't want to end it...just needs more time to think. She then followed up with this: "why did you give back all of the gifts I gave you? "

 

That last bit bothered me a bit...I replied "They were too painful to use/see/smell and made me think about what I was missing - you!"

 

That's it...I have all of my stuff back and she has hers. I will not initiate any contact with her...will leave her alone and move forward with my life.

[skydiveaddict]

Broke up. Now what?

 

Exactly. Now what?

[SeekingYourGuidance]

To answer the Now What question...well, we broke up and I had regrets. Met with her and tried to reconcile but it wasn't to be so now I get on with my life without her in it.

 

I believe everything happens for a reason...I think I met her and was put through this to realize that I could love again. It had been about ten years since I had felt this way for someone I was dating.

 

I hate thinking about how long it took me to find her and now I have to start over. When I have those weak moments I just remember how much pain I felt at times in the relationship and know I NEVER want to go back there again.

[SeekingYourGuidance]

Hi all,

 

So yesterday we talked and said our final goodbyes. Exchanged all of our stuff and went our seperate ways. I sent a final text message stating that I thought we should give it one last try.

 

She asked: Why can't you give me more time to think? why did you give back all of the gifts I gave you?

 

I replied "They were too painful to use/see/smell and made me think about what I was missing - you!" Well, this morning she sent me another message asking why I didn't answer the first part of her question. About giving her more time to think. She has now sent me another one asking why I haven't replied. I'm kind of stuck here....I feel as if I want to say, I can't put my feelings on hold while you figure things out. I'm also not liking the feeling of handing over the power/future of any relationship to her.

 

Thoughts?

[bl22]

Hi all,

 

So yesterday we talked and said our final goodbyes. Exchanged all of our stuff and went our seperate ways. I sent a final text message stating that I thought we should give it one last try.

 

She asked: Why can't you give me more time to think? why did you give back all of the gifts I gave you?

 

I replied "They were too painful to use/see/smell and made me think about what I was missing - you!" Well, this morning she sent me another message asking why I didn't answer the first part of her question. About giving her more time to think. She has now sent me another one asking why I haven't replied. I'm kind of stuck here....I feel as if I want to say, I can't put my feelings on hold while you figure things out. I'm also not liking the feeling of handing over the power/future of any relationship to her.

 

Thoughts?

 

give her space n time. dont push it. if you do youll lose her cause she will rememebr you as a needy loser. take some time to work on yourself, do not contact her whatsoever until you are in a better place alone.

[bernardverh]

Hi all,

 

I replied "They were too painful to use/see/smell and made me think about what I was missing - you!" Well, this morning she sent me another message asking why I didn't answer the first part of her question. About giving her more time to think. She has now sent me another one asking why I haven't replied. I'm kind of stuck here....I feel as if I want to say, I can't put my feelings on hold while you figure things out. I'm also not liking the feeling of handing over the power/future of any relationship to her.

 

Thoughts?

 

Before your last meeting she said she wanted to talk. When you gave in and told her you wanted to jump back into a relationship again, she got her doubts and pushed you away. You're a bit in a circle here while you clearly stated that you think it still can work.

 

It also looks like she is testing you. She has her doubts if you are a strong or weak man.

 

You can choose to reply nothing, she will probably send more and more. Or you can reply with that you were busy and also add something simple/funny in it. This shows you are moving on and that it's not so important for you. Though, she might see through and see your reply as a confirmation that you still are 100% available for her.

 

It's your call. But I think that replying with your feelings is wrong in this situation. Telling her that she has to hurry up with her feelings gives her all the power again.

 

My point of view.

[SeekingYourGuidance]

hi all,

 

bernard your point of view has been spot on so far. I didn't reply to her text message and sure enough another came along about an hour later. I feel I have to be careful here though because I don't want to make it as if I don't care about her nor want her back. I love her and would like nothing more than to have her back into my life but I have to feel that she wants it too.

[SeekingYourGuidance]

Following up...so I took bernardverh's advise and replied with something funny but didn't answer the question about her needing more time. As bernardverh predicted, she sent another text and then another. This last one says: "So you want to get back together but won't wait a week?"

 

What does that mean? What is she really saying or doing here? I havent' replied and won't reply tonight unless one of you can give me some good advise as to why I should.

 

Again my take on allowing more time is this...if it takes time to think about and gather your feelings about someone then you probably are not 100% "in" anyway. You can't force the feelings. They are either there or not. I think she just doesn't want to let go of me but now sees that I'm not chasing her and are being stronger than she thought and it's giving her some doubt.

 

Comments...thoughts?

 

Thank you!

[durkadurka]

Hi all,

 

I didn't contact her and have been preparing to move ahead without her in my life. I realized that the relationship had become very unhealthy for both of us and the best thing to do was to let her go.

 

To my surprise she sent me a text message this morning stating that she was confused and wanted to talk. She asked if she could come over to my place for the talk. I resisted that and said that I would instead pick her up and we could go for a drive.

 

In the end, I made my feelings clear and stated that I loved her but and wanted to work towards resolving our issues. She couldn't say whether or not she wanted to be in a relationship with me and had asked for more time. At that point, I told her that wouldn't be fair and I think it was time to say our goodbyes. It was tough to do but I have to look out for myself and my own happiness. Going through the waiting game, feeling powerless over her decision didn't feel right to me. We hugged and said our goodbyes.

 

About an hour later, I sent her one last text message that said..."I think we should give this ONE last try...we have too much invested to walk away." It was a moment of weakness on my part but I do love her very much and moving on without her isn't going to be easy.

 

This is what I did minus the last part. For better or for worse you have stood up for what you believe.

[bernardverh]

Following up...so I took bernardverh's advise and replied with something funny but didn't answer the question about her needing more time. As bernardverh predicted, she sent another text and then another. This last one says: "So you want to get back together but won't wait a week?"

 

What does that mean? What is she really saying or doing here? I havent' replied and won't reply tonight unless one of you can give me some good advise as to why I should.

 

I think you should not answer her direct questions. You could tell her you have doubts and need time to think about things. Change the situation around so that you are the one deciding.

[SeekingYourGuidance]

in repsonse to bernardverh,

 

I did just that...didn't answer her question about why I didn't agree about taking more time and instead changed the subject. However, she caught on and pushed for an answer. I finally sent a message that was a true to my self as possible:

 

"I got your message about needing more time. I need to do things that make me happy. If you decide you want to give the relationship a second chance, then you know how to get in touch with me. My love for you is strong"

 

About turning it around and me saying that I have doubts...actually, the longer this goes on the more that is becoming clear to me. I really do have doubts and am beginning to think that my internal defenses ended the relationship for a very good reason - to save me from more pain.

[Jayerjay]

Hey, just read your thread and thought I'd add my two cents. I'm glad you sent that last text to her... a lot of people on here are all about playing mind games and I'm not a big fan of psychologically trying to "trick" your ex to coming back to you.

 

People need time to think and sort out their feelings, especially women, and trust has been broken in your relationship and it's not going to be easy for her to jump right back to you. So I wouldn't be bitter about her asking for time, but you're doing the right thing by conveying to her that you're not waiting around, but that she knows where to find you.

 

You're staying strong without having to hide your feelings or play games. Just be sure not to let her string you around, stay NC unless she proves to you she sincerely wants a second chance.

 

Good luck!

[SeekingYourGuidance]

Hi all,

 

So it's been a week or so since I posted here. I haven't had any contact with her since our last face to face meeting. At that point she said she needed some time and I said that she knew where to find me.

 

Well, it's been 11 days with nothing until today. She just sent a text saying "Hi Mark, just wanted to see how you are....I've been thinking of you often lately"

 

I have yet to respond.

 

My reason's are this: I don't know what to say....through this ordeal I realized that our relationship had become very unhealthy and I don't want to go back there ever again. I can't be friends with her so the NC has worked with me just fine. I have been picking up the peices and doing my best to move on. It hasn't been easy and I find myself still thinking about her often but it's hasn't been too bad. I can now sleep at night...my apetite is back...and I'm keeping myself busy enough to pass the time.

 

What do I do? Should I respond? Is she testing me?

 

Mark

[SeekingYourGuidance]

Ok, so I'm going to answer myself here in hopes that it will help someone else. I thought it through for the past hour and have decided I'm NOT going to reply. I only see the outcome working against me. If I reply now, then I'll be waiting for another message from her and the game is back on. If I don't get a message within a certain time frame I will worry myself sick wondering if she got my text.

 

That kind of thinking MESSED me up before and I don't want to EVER go back there again. I'm growing and moving on...replying now would be a major step backwards.

 

NC is the only way to go folks.

 

Mark

[bernardverh]

She's testing you a bit, but that doesn't matter because the frame has changed now. I read that you have you life back together, you don't need her so much anymore. You're a guy now who has his things back together who cannot be tested.

 

The choice to reply is up to you. If you want to give her a chance to work on things then you should reply. Make sure your reply is simple, friendly and with a small opening for her to contact you. A reply you would send to a new girl who sends her first message to you.

 

If you don't reply she has no idea what you are thinking. Are you angry, happy or in pain, she doesn't know. She will probably try it again sooner or later. Or give up at some point.

 

So whether you reply depends on what you want.

 

Edit: I see your reply now. If you feel angry and not completely healed, she will notice. You risk to be back at where you started.

Edited November 18, 2010 by bernardverh

[SeekingYourGuidance]

That's the question...what do I want?

 

Well, there was a special person there who I fell in love with. The past three months she hasn't resembled that person at all and it has brought me lots of pain.

 

I'm not angry with her at all. I do have my questions about some things but for the most part I'm ok. I'm not happy about not being with her...just learning to get through this breakup on a day to day basis. Pain? Yes, there is a little bit that creeps in from time to time.

 

I don't want to go back to where I started....that's for sure!