NC broken and I bitterly regret it

[East7]

So xMW broke again the NC telling me that she is going through serious health issues (which is true) and she needed someone to talk to. I said ok, I have been always protective and caring so I was willing to talk but I couldn't hold telling her the pain she inflicted me....I told her "You threw me under the bus, so maybe you should better share your worries with your husband instead"

 

She became mean telling me that she needed a friend and she regret talking to me again, that she didn't feel like having "committed a crime" (assuming having had dumped me) and didn't need my forgiveness...

I was disgusted. I wanted to say "you are such an arrogant bi*ch"...(Though i didn't) I feel so stupid to having let her twist the knife once again.

 

When I think not long ago she was in vacation with me telling me how much she "loves me like crazy" but she doesn't know if she would leave her H...I have loved a cheater and a liar.

 

Sometimes people show us who they really are but we love them and refuse to look at their true colors until the day of the final nail.

 

So for anyone in NC, DON'T BREAK ! its just setup for more pain and deceit.

Edited November 5, 2010 by East7

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry you're hurting. Your instinct was to show care and concern. That's a nice thing. But yes, learn to protect your heart.

 

That care and concern would be so much better spent on someone who deserves and appreciates it. And one day that'll happen for you.

 

Keep your chin up! I hope this difficult experience helps spur you on, so you put even more distance between you and this pain.

[East7]

Sorry you're hurting. Your instinct was to show care and concern. That's a nice thing. But yes, learn to protect your heart.

 

That care and concern would be so much better spent on someone who deserves and appreciates it. And one day that'll happen for you.

 

Keep your chin up! I hope this difficult experience helps spur you on, so you put even more distance between you and this pain.

 

Thanks SG !

What hurts more is the I trusted in her feelings, we shared love and passion, she even came to spend some days with me, and now I don't recognize her anymore..It's like the person I have known has disappeared in a heartbeat.

 

If she was able to cheat her H she proved she was able to play me as well. Cheaters are not honest with anyone, including themselves.

 

You are so right, ironically the deceit and disgust is helping me to close this definitely and to easy my pain. I used to miss the person that she was, not the one she is now.

[Silly_Girl]

And that shows you're going to be just fine, in time. Much better than fine.

 

And you're right, cheaters often aren't even honest with themselves either.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sure she has TONS of friends, women friends she could have turned to.

 

Why do you think she chose you? Think about it..

 

Don't doubt her love, I'm sure she did and does love you, but it's selfish love on her terms. In the times you were together, she loved you but was also able to shelf it and forget about it.

 

Stay strong. You have a kind heart and she doesn't deserve to have any part of you anymore!

[fooled once]

Sometimes people show us who they really are but we love them and refuse to look at their true colors until the day of the final nail.

 

 

....

Exactly!

[siuys]

Sorry you're hurting. Think of it as a hurdle, not a total loss. It's given you some insight into how she can be... and hopefully help you move forward sticking to NC.

 

My xMM went back home to his W after 6 months on his own. I am on day 2 of NC tho' I don't look at it as NC. For me, it's FINAL. My only concern is if he contacts me. It will throw me back again. I hope if he contacts me, it will be months down the track, coz I know by then I'll be over him.

 

All the best. Stay strong. Don't beat yourself!

[Confused4Now]

So xMW broke again the NC telling me that she is going through serious health issues (which is true) and she needed someone to talk to. I said ok, I have been always protective and caring so I was willing to talk but I couldn't hold telling her the pain she inflicted me....I told her "You threw me under the bus, so maybe you should better share your worries with your husband instead"

She became mean telling me that she needed a friend and she regret talking to me again, that she didn't feel like having "committed a crime" (assuming having had dumped me) and didn't need my forgiveness...

I was disgusted. I wanted to say "you are such an arrogant bi*ch"...(Though i didn't) I feel so stupid to having let her twist the knife once again.

 

When I think not long ago she was in vacation with me telling me how much she "loves me like crazy" but she doesn't know if she would leave her H...I have loved a cheater and a liar.

 

Sometimes people show us who they really are but we love them and refuse to look at their true colors until the day of the final nail.

 

So for anyone in NC, DON'T BREAK ! its just setup for more pain and deceit.

OH how I remember saying the same exact thing...just like it was yesterday. Amazing how they always need a friend....and how much they love you and miss you sooooooo much. Yet they totally stay put....like you said....I had to keep telling myself I fell in love with a cheat and liar and she'd get so mad when I questioned her values....hahahahah amazing.

[siuys]

Confused4Now, funny how you can laugh about it now, isn't it? I hope it won't take me long to laugh about the entire situation. After all, I try not to take life so damn seriously. Sure, it was a serious situation, but at the end of the day, what's 9 months out of a lifetime!

[East7]

Thanks to everyone for the support and the nice words !

 

I think I am over the "pain stage" but more in the "accepting and moving on" stage.

 

I'm sure she has TONS of friends, women friends she could have turned to.

Why do you think she chose you? Think about it..

 

Don't doubt her love, I'm sure she did and does love you, but it's selfish love on her terms. In the times you were together, she loved you but was also able to shelf it and forget about it.

 

Good point. She does have tons of friends.. But she used to say I was not only a lover but also her best friend. We used to talk literally for hours and she loved to have my opinion on everything going to the color of her hair to her future job...She said she neglected her friends to talk on phone with me any time she had some available time. She used to send me nice cards, books that we both liked, made me gifts for holidays etc. (We are in distance) So yes I miss what we used to be....I am sure she loved me but she was also very self-centered and spoiled. It was love yes, but a selfish one, and this time she reacted upon her pride and selfishness. She is insecure and needy and this is something that I refused to acknowledge as something that would turn against me. And the evidence was that she went back to her H not for love for him but because she was scared to leave her comfy lifestyle. She broke saying she 'had to stay with him because she has a health condition and he is a good father, even if my M doesn't work, I never promised you anything', and we went NC. Never I went back to her but she had broken NC several times with e-mails "Hey, I just wanted to say Hi and I wonder how are you.."

 

So well...I have to cut her off completely and let this go. Never again a MW, it ends with deception and pain, not worth the time, the feelings and the hopes.

[siuys]

You're so right, East7. You do need to cut her off, and I'm cutting my xMM off completely as well. People say 'never say never' but I can honestly say that I will NEVER again get involved with a married or recently separated man, because I know how it will end. Despite my A having ended, I feel less pain now than when I was still seeing him. Funny that. All the best.

[Dexter Morgan]

So xMW broke again the NC telling me that she is going through serious health issues (which is true) and she needed someone to talk to. I said ok, I have been always protective and caring so I was willing to talk but I couldn't hold telling her the pain she inflicted me....I told her "You threw me under the bus, so maybe you should better share your worries with your husband instead"

 

and you helped her drive the bus over her husband

 

 

She became mean telling me that she needed a friend and she regret talking to me again, that she didn't feel like having "committed a crime"

 

yup, she doesn't see anything wrong with what she is doing...cheating, and keeping in contact with a man she boffed behind her husband's back.

 

does her husband know? if he doesn't, then its not too late to do the right thing and let him know what a cheating hussbag he is married to so that he might decide to better his life and get rid of her (or decide to foolishly forgive her)

 

 

(assuming having had dumped me) and didn't need my forgiveness...

I was disgusted. I wanted to say "you are such an arrogant bi*ch"...(Though i didn't) I feel so stupid to having let her twist the knife once again.

 

well you can't put all the disgust on her, you share in this as well what she did to her husband. You had no problem it seems messing around with someone elses wife.

 

 

When I think not long ago she was in vacation with me telling me how much she "loves me like crazy" but she doesn't know if she would leave her H...I have loved a cheater and a liar.

 

you should have realized thats exactly what she was when you hooked up with her from the beginning. but it didn't occur to you then because you were getting your juke on.

 

 

Sometimes people show us who they really are

 

oh now don't even try to claim the high road here, cuz it could be said the same about you for messing around with someone elses wife. don't even try to play the victim here. only victim is this "woman's" husband

[East7]

OH how I remember saying the same exact thing...just like it was yesterday. Amazing how they always need a friend....and how much they love you and miss you sooooooo much. Yet they totally stay put....like you said....I had to keep telling myself I fell in love with a cheat and liar and she'd get so mad when I questioned her values....hahahahah amazing.

 

Interesting !

I just read smth from David DeAngelo. He basically says the MW that have AP are NEEDY, they crave for attention and approval. They are happy when we compliment and make them feel special, but we are doing nothing more than feeding their need to feel desired. They look for some romance that they don't find anymore within their M but in fact they are not looking to replace a relationship by another. The AP serves as an ego-booster.

 

I would add : When they go back to a husband who is no more attentive than before (No DDay) they will start missing the love and attention that the AP used to show them, so they will come and TEST if they can still have some attention.

That also may explain why some become serial cheaters and get another lover in a couple of years.

[East7]

and you helped her drive the bus over her husband

yup, she doesn't see anything wrong with what she is doing...cheating, and keeping in contact with a man she boffed behind her husband's back.

 

Cheating is HER problem, HER choice. I am single, I didn't cheat or use anyone. She is an adult, I didn't seduce her; she begun flirting with me until we got involved and couldn't stop the emotional snow-ball.. I didn't put a gun on her head to ask an A. She was a teenage love and we met 20 yrs after...We fell in love (sounds pathetic but its true). I know it was wrong but things are not always black and white.

 

does her husband know? if he doesn't, then its not too late to do the right thing and let him know what a cheating hussbag he is married to so that he might decide to better his life and get rid of her (or decide to foolishly forgive her)

No her H doesn't know. She told me she doesn't want him to know because she doesn't want "to loose him". I was VERY tempted to contact and inform him but I don't want to be the frustrated-guy-who-took-revenge and do the dirty job. It is HER job to tell him.

 

 

well you can't put all the disgust on her, you share in this as well what she did to her husband. You had no problem it seems messing around with someone elses wife.

I genuinely fell in love with her. I repeat I didn't force her. Do I feel guilty for her H ? YES.

 

 

you should have realized thats exactly what she was when you hooked up with her from the beginning. but it didn't occur to you then because you were getting your juke on.

I knew it was wrong but I also asked her since the beginning to make a choice and stick with it. She didn't want to make a choice (typical...). When I was done with waiting her to pick between her H and me, I let her go.

 

 

oh now don't even try to claim the high road here, cuz it could be said the same about you for messing around with someone elses wife. don't even try to play the victim here. only victim is this "woman's" husband

Yes, but breaking with her I took back my integrity. She has not her integrity because she kept her H hostage of a choice he he can't make (because he doesn't know).

There are 2 victims, her H and I (she caused me pain and deceit, but oh well the OM's pain is pointless for you I guess)

[newpriorities]

Interesting !

I just read smth from David DeAngelo. He basically says the MW that have AP are NEEDY, they crave for attention and approval. They are happy when we compliment and make them feel special, but we are doing nothing more than feeding their need to feel desired. They look for some romance that they don't find anymore within their M but in fact they are not looking to replace a relationship by another. The AP serves as an ego-booster.

 

I would add : When they go back to a husband who is no more attentive than before (No DDay) they will start missing the love and attention that the AP used to show them, so they will come and TEST if they can still have some attention.

That also may explain why some become serial cheaters and get another lover in a couple of years.

 

I think this is very true; it certainly was in my case. I was definitely craving attention and my MM gave it to me--the new restaurants, the fact that he wanted to have sex with me anywhere and everywhere was an ego boost for me. I was M too and I did try and get this from H before my A, but it just wasn't happening. I now realize it is/was MY issue, NOT theirs. It's like an addiction, the more you have, the more you crave and I have to fix myself and my own need for this attention before I can be in a healthy relationship. I think you hit the nail on the head with why your xMW contacted you. It really sounds like she wanted to make sure you were still there, in the wings somewhere and was "checking." As others have said, you deserve to be in a relationship where you are the main and only attraction!

[silverplanets]

So xMW broke again the NC telling me that she is going through serious health issues (which is true) and she needed someone to talk to. I said ok, I have been always protective and caring so I was willing to talk but I couldn't hold telling her the pain she inflicted me....I told her "You threw me under the bus, so maybe you should better share your worries with your husband instead"

 

She became mean telling me that she needed a friend and she regret talking to me again, that she didn't feel like having "committed a crime" (assuming having had dumped me) and didn't need my forgiveness...

I was disgusted. I wanted to say "you are such an arrogant bi*ch"...

(Though i didn't) I feel so stupid to having let her twist the knife once again.

 

When I think not long ago she was in vacation with me telling me how much she "loves me like crazy" but she doesn't know if she would leave her H...I have loved a cheater and a liar.

 

Sometimes people show us who they really are but we love them and refuse to look at their true colors until the day of the final nail.

 

So for anyone in NC, DON'T BREAK ! its just setup for more pain and deceit.

 

Hi E7,

 

From an outside and long into NC perspective all that has happened here is that you have done is drawn and then maintained a really simple (and perfectly reasonable) boundary ... namely that you deserve someone who loves you enough to actually be by your side physically, not just in words.

 

What is interesting though, is the reaction in bold to you maintaining your boundary ...

 

I think we a learn a lot about how people value us when we expose our boundaries to them ... (after all, our boundaries do, to a very real degree provide external evidence of our internal values and beliefs) ... and in this case the reaction seems (from a distance) to be a pretty immature one.

 

It is perfectly reasonable for one to have one's own life values, beliefs and boundaries .. and if a person cannot accept that you do then one is perhaps led to wonder what sort of view they have on life.

 

Deep inside, if they haven't learnt to accept, acknowledge and live with the basic human right of other's to have , express and maintain contrary views, boundaries and beliefs then they really haven't grasped (imho) the basic concept of life and humanity at all.

 

We are all the same, someone elses personal barriers, beliefs and values are of equal value to our own (we have no more right to "be right", than anyone else) ...

 

As you say, to believe contrary is either stunningly arrogant or stunningly naive.

 

I noticed this quite early on with my xmw but I made excuses for it as I was "invested " in the relationship .. but over the many years I came to realise that she did indeed just believe that her rights were her rights (and that included running railroad over other people's rights) and that, at the most basic level, everyone but her was an idiot or fool.

 

When I really looked at it she had two classes of people in her life ...

 

a) "friends" .. these were the "non idiots" ... and the basic qualification to be in this group was that you were, in her perception, on her side. What this meant was that you provided sympathy when needed, listened attentively to her stories of how great she was and , perhaps most importantly, agreed with her that she was right and the rest of the world was wrong whenever somone had had the temerity to say no to her.

 

b) "idiots" ... this was the rest of the world ... who basically operated on their own values and beliefs and lived their own lives ... (ie weren't, in her perception, on her side)

 

Now what used to make me laugh in the end was that she would chop and change people into these groups in her head without any qualms ... a friend would become an idiot just because they denied a request to her ... and idiots would become friends if they happened to listen to some long, tedious story and validate how great she was.

 

What used to make me laugh any more was that she didn't even knew she did it ... but once you spotted it you could really see it and it was even evident in the language she used .. "they are all idiots" ... "she's no friend" ... all very absolute and "in the moment".

 

Linking it back your post ..she saw no issue in going in to the people she classed as "idiots" when she wanted something and had to clue that these people had a right to say "no" to her .... and it used to be a complete shock when they did.

 

The fact that the "Idiots" might have their own lives was just something she couldn't comprehend.

 

Of course, the reality was she had no real friends ... she had people she knew through work who she would call friends ... but they would all tire of it eventually and move on ... likewise she had one friend from childhood who she managed to keep "attached" for many years ... but from outside the friend obviously had low self esteem and so this "friendship" worked for both of them.

 

This "friend" did, of course, eventually become an "idiot" .. because she dared say that perhaps xMW should stop treating her H like sh*t.

 

Anyhow, that's enough of the rambling ... your post just brought back memories and made me smile ...

 

When I read a lot more about it I finally realised my xMW didn't have friends, she just had sources of supply ... and that, rather soberingly, that was what I had been for her as well.

 

The breakthrough for my xMW would be to realise that other people DO have full lives, do have inner belief systems, values and boundaries and that her values etc are no more "right" than theirs.

 

To do this, though, would involve dismantling a belief that is probably a defence mechanism from childhood which is wrapped around an internal core belief that she has no value.

 

I don't know if she will ever do this or even who will emerge as the real person if she does ...

 

All I do know is that in the meantime she acts out a life based not upon the values of her as a person, but on the values of her defence system.

 

Ultimately, maybe her and the defence system are now one and the same .. maybe they can no longer be separated ...

 

To be so lacking in self worth deep inside that you need to constantly derive worth from the validation of others must be one of the most isolated existences I can imagine ...

 

 

be safe

Chris

Edited November 7, 2010 by silverplanets

[Dexter Morgan]

Cheating is HER problem, HER choice. I am single, I didn't cheat or use anyone.

 

oh, so its just ok and fine to help yourself to someone elses wife as long as you get what YOU want. Its ok to be an accomplice to someone elses pain. Amazing.

 

justify it all you want, what comes around goes around.

 

 

 

She is an adult, I didn't seduce her; she begun flirting with me until we got involved and couldn't stop the emotional snow-ball.. I didn't put a gun on her head to ask an A. She was a teenage love and we met 20 yrs after...We fell in love (sounds pathetic but its true). I know it was wrong but things are not always black and white.

 

and people wouldn't be able to cheat if there weren't people like you willing to get yours.

 

the fact that she is the most responsible for the betrayal of her husband doesn't mitigate your despicable role in it all.

 

 

No her H doesn't know.

 

and thats too bad

 

 

She told me she doesn't want him to know because she doesn't want "to loose him". I was VERY tempted to contact and inform him but I don't want to be the frustrated-guy-who-took-revenge and do the dirty job. It is HER job to tell him.

 

then quit complaining.

 

 

I genuinely fell in love with her. I repeat I didn't force her. Do I feel guilty for her H ? YES.

 

you just gave your justification of the fact that its HER that cheated and you are single, and you say you feel guilty? If you didn't do anything wrong on your end like you believe, then what do you have to feel guilty of?

 

Either you feel guilty because you know its wrong what you did, or you can recant your justification based on the fact that you are "single". You don't get to have it both ways.

 

 

 

 

Yes, but breaking with her I took back my integrity. She has not her integrity because she kept her H hostage of a choice he he can't make (because he doesn't know).

There are 2 victims, her H and I (she caused me pain and deceit, but oh well the OM's pain is pointless for you I guess)

 

yes, the OM's pain is pointless for me, that is if you knew she was married and helped yourself to her anyway.

 

my concern lies with the pain of those you help to bring about. integrity? as long as you have the attitude like you have no responsibility to do the right thing because SHE was the one that was married, you will have no integrity because you will use that same excuse with the next married woman.

 

there is one victim here....her husband. you knew she was married. you don't get to claim victim status.