For everyone who is thinking of calling or picking up a call from their ex, a thought

November 4, 2010

When was the last time that you talked to them, that you felt good when you hung up the phone?

Weeks? Months?

Just think about it.

November 5, 2010

I always feel good after I talk to the ex... Unless we're having a tiff over something, which is getting rarer and rarer...

November 5, 2010

very good post, honestly the only time you will feel good ever again is porbably when you're completely over them which is stupid to wait for.

Just let their asses go!

November 5, 2010

When was the last time that you talked to them, that you felt good when you hung up the phone?

Weeks? Months?

Just think about it.

Holy shmit. Excellent point. And right on time.

November 5, 2010

When was the last time that you talked to them, that you felt good when you hung up the phone?

Weeks? Months?

Just think about it.

June 20th.

Ignored her ass four times since then. Felt great!

November 5, 2010

June 20th.

Ignored her ass four times since then. Felt great!

Personally, for me, it was August 7th, the day she told me I had stayed longer when I was visiting her.

Every day since then it has been a progressive downhill roll, I don't know why, it wasn't my choice.

I figure if you miss someone and want them to stay longer, you don't start systematically cutting them out of your life, and embarrass and degrade them.

November 5, 2010

The last time my ex talked to me she told me I'm full of drama and lies. But the thing that gets me is that it wasn't me that was cheating and lying about all the guys she was flirting with. And I wasn't playing stupid games and ditching my family or anything like that. I wish if I could talk to her I could say all these things and her actually feel some sorta remorse for her actions and justice for the things she did wrong. But I'd be asking to much from a girl thats in the military and cant keep her legs closed.

November 5, 2010

You know, I actually cannot remember. Not kidding.

I guess that's a great sign!

My memory tends to fade once the heartache's gone

November 5, 2010

September 13th, the day before I found his match.com profile (and the very last time I ever spoke with him), which showed he was active within 24 hours and I snapped - my whole world came crashing down.

I swear up until that very moment I thought things were finally clicking and going great for us. what a total and complete dumba$$ I am!

November 5, 2010

Actaully, talk over the phone? this tuesday. :/

It had been like 7 weeks before that. This talk was due to me asking him to call be cause I wasn't feeling good etc. He replied ok and called me. It went ok. I explained things I was going through...etc. Then I gave the I love you talk and respect your choices, he seemed to be crying silently most of the time, because I would here the sniffles and shaky voice here and there.

I NEED TO GO NC AGAIN. Once you break it, I find it hard to stay NC. Since I broke it on October 13th, through texts and empty phone calls that he wouldnt answer, the longest I go is a week then I break it.

I tell myself I'll check in on him here and there, sometimes when I do I feel ok, but lately I feel ****ty if he doesn't reply. PMS, I suppose.

My neighbor last night came knocking at my door ( first time he ever does this) he was belligerent-drunk and was telling me to control my dog etc... (because him and his boytoy were apparently arguing and my dog was barking because she could here them)He pissed me off, what a ghetto Diva.! All drunk, then his boyfriend comes to get him and they start shoving each other. I was so frustrated I text and called my ex. Yup I f'd up. He didn't answer, so today is a pretty yukky day. Although I'm more excepting of it, but still feels ****ty.n I just feel dumb and I let myself down thinking he'll be there for me. It's my fault. Screw new pain.

I can do so well, then I think sweet thoughts and I become forgiving and swear he's going to do the same. I think he feels safe angry with me and not trusting me because it keeps him away from me, which to him that equals= being safe from me and hurt.

?

November 5, 2010

When was the last time that you talked to them, that you felt good when you hung up the phone?

Weeks? Months?

Just think about it.

Oh, man, so long...and I would have said that even if you had asked me while we were together. It was like a dead weight on my shoulders that I was carrying for goodness knows what reason. I'm 21 days NC. Yes I still miss him all the time, but it hurts less than it the excruciating pain of 21 days ago, and even lesser than the gut wrenching pain of being in limbo before those 21 days. I'm glad I told him I would implement NC as soon as I walked out of that airport, and I've stuck to it.

The only time we've "communicated" since then is via my best friend, once when he texted her from the airport right after I walked away, and once when she emailed him that I deleted and blocked him off my Facebook, and he wrote back to her. That was soon after the break up. It hurts that he hasn't contacted me. But I'm gaining so much perspective through therapy and this time/space to explore the things that have influenced my dating choices. Yes, I feel rejected. Yes, I am grieving. And yes, part of it is losing him. But he was only in my life for a whirlwind 5 months, and the larger pain of 21 years of constant rejection by my father and subsequently other men has led me to this corner, which I'm going to scrape my way out of.

Embrace the alone-ness; it is freeing. It is scary, very scary -- but take that leap. Please. Don't waste years of your love for someone who just came and went, without truly understanding you. Many, many, many people will fall for your looks, achievements, the way you talk, the things you do, etc. but very, very few will make the effort to stay and understand your mind, what it has gone through and will go through.

Don't ignore red flags with new partners! That's what I did in my last relationship, and I let him set the pace for a fast chase in which I was promised everything too early. And of course, it burned too hot too fast. Don't let the validation overwhelm you into ignoring your gut; it is your best friend!

Think about all the times your heart felt like it was breaking and never going to be whole again. Is that person who hurt you so much still a part of your life in a healthy and substantial way? Do you still feel that way about them?

My problem is that I never stopped to listen to my gut -- I was melting in the face of all the sweet nothings he was saying to me. I ended up alone at the worst possible time of my life, and discovered that being alone, gutsy, courageous with a gut-wrenching situation with my mother and my closest friends could actually be the most freedom and opportunity to take initiative I will ever have in my life!

Who needs the burden of a wishy-washy, superficial relationship in the face of such an immense fact?

If they truly made you happy, you would never have to break contact. Something about them and the relationship they were able to offer you was unhealthy and damaging enough for that. Listen to your gut. Stay away.

If it was real, you wouldn't have to waste time on idiotic long drawn out conversations that begin and end exactly in the same way. You wouldn't have to play stupid Facebook games. You wouldn't have so many questions, without any real, substantial answers. You wouldn't feel so much negativity. You wouldn't feel rejected or abandoned.

Someone who is worth it will truly stick it out with you through hell or high water. Don't waste your precious time any longer!

If you need validation -- you are beautiful, inside and out. You deserve the whole goddamned dessert, not measly crumbs!

Happy trails! I know you will free yourself from this pain and extricate your dignity and self esteem from it, taking all the time you need, not rushing yourself, but moving forward slowly and surely. I know you have the grace to do that. Forgive yourself for subjecting yourself to someone who wasn't worth your love, and you will heal.

Love.

November 5, 2010

Oh, man, so long...and I would have said that even if you had asked me while we were together. It was like a dead weight on my shoulders that I was carrying for goodness knows what reason. I'm 21 days NC. Yes I still miss him all the time, but it hurts less than it the excruciating pain of 21 days ago, and even lesser than the gut wrenching pain of being in limbo before those 21 days. I'm glad I told him I would implement NC as soon as I walked out of that airport, and I've stuck to it.

The only time we've "communicated" since then is via my best friend, once when he texted her from the airport right after I walked away, and once when she emailed him that I deleted and blocked him off my Facebook, and he wrote back to her. That was soon after the break up. It hurts that he hasn't contacted me. But I'm gaining so much perspective through therapy and this time/space to explore the things that have influenced my dating choices. Yes, I feel rejected. Yes, I am grieving. And yes, part of it is losing him. But he was only in my life for a whirlwind 5 months, and the larger pain of 21 years of constant rejection by my father and subsequently other men has led me to this corner, which I'm going to scrape my way out of.

Embrace the alone-ness; it is freeing. It is scary, very scary -- but take that leap. Please. Don't waste years of your love for someone who just came and went, without truly understanding you. Many, many, many people will fall for your looks, achievements, the way you talk, the things you do, etc. but very, very few will make the effort to stay and understand your mind, what it has gone through and will go through.

Don't ignore red flags with new partners! That's what I did in my last relationship, and I let him set the pace for a fast chase in which I was promised everything too early. And of course, it burned too hot too fast. Don't let the validation overwhelm you into ignoring your gut; it is your best friend!

Think about all the times your heart felt like it was breaking and never going to be whole again. Is that person who hurt you so much still a part of your life in a healthy and substantial way? Do you still feel that way about them?

My problem is that I never stopped to listen to my gut -- I was melting in the face of all the sweet nothings he was saying to me. I ended up alone at the worst possible time of my life, and discovered that being alone, gutsy, courageous with a gut-wrenching situation with my mother and my closest friends could actually be the most freedom and opportunity to take initiative I will ever have in my life!

Who needs the burden of a wishy-washy, superficial relationship in the face of such an immense fact?

If they truly made you happy, you would never have to break contact. Something about them and the relationship they were able to offer you was unhealthy and damaging enough for that. Listen to your gut. Stay away.

If it was real, you wouldn't have to waste time on idiotic long drawn out conversations that begin and end exactly in the same way. You wouldn't have to play stupid Facebook games. You wouldn't have so many questions, without any real, substantial answers. You wouldn't feel so much negativity. You wouldn't feel rejected or abandoned.

Someone who is worth it will truly stick it out with you through hell or high water. Don't waste your precious time any longer!

If you need validation -- you are beautiful, inside and out. You deserve the whole goddamned dessert, not measly crumbs!

Happy trails! I know you will free yourself from this pain and extricate your dignity and self esteem from it, taking all the time you need, not rushing yourself, but moving forward slowly and surely. I know you have the grace to do that. Forgive yourself for subjecting yourself to someone who wasn't worth your love, and you will heal.

Love.

She spent almost a year sticking it out with me, but she made it miserable, didn't get a serious job, didn't try and make friends with people, and constantly complained about being in the city we were in.

We didn't have a plan, and I was paralyzed. I couldn't make the move with her because I didn't see her try and make living my city work.

So disappointed.

November 5, 2010

When was the last time that you talked to them, that you felt good when you hung up the phone?

Weeks? Months?

Just think about it.

She spent almost a year sticking it out with me, but she made it miserable, didn't get a serious job, didn't try and make friends with people, and constantly complained about being in the city we were in.

We didn't have a plan, and I was paralyzed. I couldn't make the move with her because I didn't see her try and make living my city work.

So disappointed.

I don't know your story, but I know you are in pain, and I am too, and I'd like to reach out to you.

My ex also "stuck it out" for a few short months, but without any real communication. Just physically being there is not going to cut it. Tomorrow, if something really serious and bad happens to you, you need to know someone solid and responsible has your back, and knows what you are and who you are...and loves the good and the bad, doesn't just say it.

When he was "sticking it out" he didn't tell me what was going on in his mind. If he had broken free of his fears and come through with communication, things might have turned out differently. I made mistakes too, but I was willing to work through it with open and clear communication.

A year is nothing in the larger scheme of things. It's also the quality, not quantity of time that matters. At the time he was telling me all these sweet nothings was a bare week after he had probably been saying to his ex of many, many years (not even going into that story. whew.)

Talk is cheap, but so is passive-aggressive bull**** and not getting real. Come on, you deserve more than that!

November 5, 2010

I don't know your story, but I know you are in pain, and I am too, and I'd like to reach out to you.

My ex also "stuck it out" for a few short months, but without any real communication. Just physically being there is not going to cut it. Tomorrow, if something really serious and bad happens to you, you need to know someone solid and responsible has your back, and knows what you are and who you are...and loves the good and the bad, doesn't just say it.

When he was "sticking it out" he didn't tell me what was going on in his mind. If he had broken free of his fears and come through with communication, things might have turned out differently. I made mistakes too, but I was willing to work through it with open and clear communication.

A year is nothing in the larger scheme of things. It's also the quality, not quantity of time that matters. At the time he was telling me all these sweet nothings was a bare week after he had probably been saying to his ex of many, many years (not even going into that story. whew.)

Talk is cheap, but so is passive-aggressive bull**** and not getting real. Come on, you deserve more than that!

Thank you, your words mean a lot to me.

Here's a brief thread of the garbage that has happened to me.

More stuff has happened since that thread has been posted, but it contains the bulk of it.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t246293/

November 5, 2010

Thank you, your words mean a lot to me.

Here's a brief thread of the garbage that has happened to me.

More stuff has happened since that thread has been posted, but it contains the bulk of it.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t246293/

Hey, I read it. I'm sorry you went through/are going through this pain. I'm not going to give you the tough talk because I know no matter how clear/ridiculous it looks to the outside world, only you can know how it presses your personal triggers and how it all makes you feel. However, you do need to get out of this weird limbo, ASAP. You were doing great on the NC thing.

We have the opposite situation. My ex is respecting NC, which could either mean he doesn't give a **** or that he's genuinely making an effort to get over his issues before knocking on this other again or that he's moving on or that he does not have the courage to call.

It STILL hurts like hell knowing he can stay without talking to me for 21 days, even though I'm doing the exact same thing, after living together and all that jazz. Look at us: we're both in pain. Your ex is contacting you, mine is not, but the situation remains the same.

Bottomline: are they there? are they causing us pain or joy? are they adding to our lives or taking away bits of us?

Perspective: what is truly important to you?

getting real, and building real relationships, or

wishy washy, vague, limbo-relationships with no clear communication/effort?

I know NC hurts, but trust me I KNOW exactly how much worse it would be if he kept talking to me out of guilt/nostalgia/a need for validation/ego stroke/whatever and having to deal with him appearing and disappearing online -- sometimes saying hi, sometimes not. That weird painful place is eased and straightened out by NC. YOU take control of YOUR life.

November 5, 2010

Hey, I read it. I'm sorry you went through/are going through this pain. I'm not going to give you the tough talk because I know no matter how clear/ridiculous it looks to the outside world, only you can know how it presses your personal triggers and how it all makes you feel. However, you do need to get out of this weird limbo, ASAP. You were doing great on the NC thing.

We have the opposite situation. My ex is respecting NC, which could either mean he doesn't give a **** or that he's genuinely making an effort to get over his issues before knocking on this other again or that he's moving on or that he does not have the courage to call.

It STILL hurts like hell knowing he can stay without talking to me for 21 days, even though I'm doing the exact same thing, after living together and all that jazz. Look at us: we're both in pain. Your ex is contacting you, mine is not, but the situation remains the same.

Bottomline: are they there? are they causing us pain or joy? are they adding to our lives or taking away bits of us?

Perspective: what is truly important to you?
getting real, and building real relationships, or
wishy washy, vague, limbo-relationships with no clear communication/effort?

I know NC hurts, but trust me I KNOW exactly how much worse it would be if he kept talking to me out of guilt/nostalgia/a need for validation/ego stroke/whatever and having to deal with him appearing and disappearing online -- sometimes saying hi, sometimes not. That weird painful place is eased and straightened out by NC. YOU take control of YOUR life.

I am very aware of how bizarre and ridiculous it looks to the outside world, hence why I am so embarrassed for myself.

November 5, 2010

There's a reason for you feeling everything you're feeling...can you reach out to yourself long and hard, over an extended period of time, and find that reason? Can you then do something about it?

Once you validate yourself -- long, long, long road, if that's what your relationship hook is, then you will cease to even think about surface concerns like what others are thinking. How much time can people possibly spend on random gossip/speculation about other people and still remain worth considering? I suggest you look beyond all this to your real problems, and deal with them instead of feeling scared of that the plunge. The unknown is always much more fearful when it remains that way. Aren't you excited about what lies ahead of you? Don't you want to clear your path to make it beautiful? Isn't your life full of things you care about? Let her take a backseat, obsessing over her has got you nowhere but renewed pain and confusion. Have an honest conversation with yourself and act on what you decide -- a definitive action. Don't hang on to something that's making YOU unhappy. Stop focusing on what she wants. She has already shown you she is weak and untrustworthy. Do something, tell me what kind of person you are. Tell me only 5 great things about yourself. Can you please do that?

November 5, 2010

It was 1am Friday morning out of sutpidity. The reason why I did is because I got a speeding ticket. She once offered to help my friend out of his making it sound like it was just a flick of the fingers.

Here is my mistake - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t249566/

I am not really worried about it, I think of her yea but I am content with everything. I know what i want and I need to start going after it.

November 5, 2010

Called my exW today. Divorce seal is dry 14 days. Had a chair of hers from her mom's dinette set. She told me to drop if off at her house (the one I gave her in the divorce). I did. Saw a young male (we're both 51) roaming around the house through the dining room window as I set the chair on the porch. I smiled. Poor b*stard.

November 6, 2010

Haven't seen my ex for 10 months or spoken to her verbally, had plenty of text messages though, 100's.

Last one was last Wednesday after a month, saying "I'm thinking of you and miss you hope you're ok" as well as I would have stayed with you forever and bunch of other things, few more texts over the next few days saying we should meet up this weekend, that was Tuesday this week.

Guess I made the mistake of replying and saying I miss her too and that's all she wanted to know. I'm a sucker for not being ignorant, I find it almost impossible.

November 6, 2010

The last time we spoke was on my birthday in July. She put a grenade in my heart with words. I am not sure if it was an accident or she did it on purpose. I am still dreaming about her all the time, but the good thing is the dreams no longer affect my daily life. I work, do my stuff, but I still feel hallow inside. There are times I want to break NC, but she is in a relationship now. I am not ready to hear anything about her relationship. I will talk to her someday in the future...

November 6, 2010

I've been dealing with the text thing too. Im ready to put an end to that. Its been two months and I have made great progress in the past couple weeks after getting her stuff out of my place. she was also on vaca which made it easier. Now I have to be strong and resist the urge. I think texting is almost just as bad because it keeps her on your mind. I only respond now wiht one word answers to her questions. Any 'I miss you' crap I ignore. Its just her trying to feel better about herself because she starts to feel like a b!@#$ for treating me the way she did. It also has to do with her dettachment issues from her parents divorce. It has nothing to do with me. not sure if your sitch is the same but its something to think about. Why does she contact you? Its probably for her own benefit somehow.

November 7, 2010

Exactly, there's this amazing website which gives me loads of perspective, especially about NC. In face, she has a NC guide wherein she sends you periodic emails to help you through NC. In one of these emails, I read that when they contact you, more often than not it's when they have had a setback -- for an ego stroke, for validation, etc. The site is here, and I'd recommend it to everyone here. It's very no-nonsense and positive:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

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For everyone who is thinking of calling or picking up a call from their ex, a thought

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