Mombot Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 If you are the other woman and he picks up the tab, buys gifts and helps with bills- are you a mistress?
BB07 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 In my view.........being a mistress would mean that you aren't independent and self supporting which IMO is a dangerous thing for any woman to do, mistress or not. I would also think that a mm would take care of all your financial needs if you were his mistress.
Star_Bright Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I always thought they were both names for the same thing -- someone who is dating a married man. Although I guess the distinction could be made in my mind at least that a mistress seems long-term and serious whereas an OW could be more casual or temporary. Might you be asking whether an OW who has her bills paid for her by the MM is a "kept woman"? I guess I just don't understand your question, sorry.
carhill Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Historically that was the case and inference, but in modern times less so. As a 'kept' woman, a mistress may be supported by the man, who often is wealthy. She may also earn her own expenses and be in no way beholden upon her lover for financial support. To me, it's the long term investment of sexual and emotional intimacy which defines the dynamic.
desertIslandCactus Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 If you are the other woman and he picks up the tab, buys gifts and helps with bills- are you a mistress? To me it doesn't matter that much Mombot. Is this separated man who doesn't wish to divorce because of his health insurance? ..Sorry if I forgot.. He is then using his savings for not getting divorced to languish on his OW? Also, If your joint bank account has overdraft protection, are you keeping an eye on the balance of the bank account and the overdraft, if any.
siuys Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 It's a good question. To me, it's just a definition. My sister is also seeing an MM, but he is separated, and has been for 4 years. He is emotionally available, and the divorce is just a matter of time (due to asset split issues). I trust him because I can tell he is committed emotionally and mentally to my sister. He pays some of her bills, and takes her out and treats her well. To me, they are in an R, not an A, and I don't see my sister as a mistress as such. So I guess it all depends on where the MM is at.
Silly_Girl Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 If you are the other woman and he picks up the tab, buys gifts and helps with bills- are you a mistress? Perhaps my view is a bit dated. And I'm English and we're not particularly open (compared to some European cultures) with regards EMA's. To me, a mistress would be at the beck and call of her MM to an extent. She would be available for him when HE needed her to be. It would not be a love-based relationship. He would contribute to her expenses, buy her glamourous gifts and spoil her. That is different to something I see here, which is women who are in love with a man who is married, and they often have their own, very busy and full lives, and are not simply a toy/hobby.
carhill Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 In the case of separated men, are they known socially as separated from their wives, or is the separation 'secret'? Also, legal separation would be an important indicator of their social/marital status for purposes of defining a mistress. If legally separated and living independently, I can't imagine any woman involved with such a man to be his mistress, assuming she wasn't his mistress while legally married and cohabiting with his wife. Also, though uncommon, a wealthy and successful woman will become the mistress of a 'lesser' male or males, choosing not to dilute her power and status through marriage and desiring a man unable to marry due to prior commitment and subservient to her power to fulfill that goal.
Author Mombot Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 It was a general question based on the posts lately.
desertIslandCactus Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 If he is still married, half of what he gives you belongs to his wife - in settlement.
carhill Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 My lawyer advised me that legally separate property can be gifted without sanction. Say, for example, my parents leave me their home in their will and I give it to my mistress. That's one example of 'support' that a spouse would be hard-pressed to touch in court, even in Cali. All I'd have to do is substantiate that no marital funds were used in the operation of the asset and that any income received was not co-mingled with marital funds. Plan B
desertIslandCactus Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 My lawyer advised me that legally separate property can be gifted without sanction. Say, for example, my parents leave me their home in their will and I give it to my mistress. That's one example of 'support' that a spouse would be hard-pressed to touch in court, even in Cali. All I'd have to do is substantiate that no marital funds were used in the operation of the asset and that any income received was not co-mingled with marital funds. Plan B I was speaking of community funds .. not personal or inheritance..
fooled once Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 If you are the other woman and he picks up the tab, buys gifts and helps with bills- are you a mistress? Same thing in my mind. I always thought they were both names for the same thing -- someone who is dating a married man. Although I guess the distinction could be made in my mind at least that a mistress seems long-term and serious whereas an OW could be more casual or temporary. Might you be asking whether an OW who has her bills paid for her by the MM is a "kept woman"? I guess I just don't understand your question, sorry. Ditto To me, a mistress would be at the beck and call of her MM to an extent. She would be available for him when HE needed her to be. It would not be a love-based relationship. He would contribute to her expenses, buy her glamourous gifts and spoil her. That is different to something I see here, which is women who are in love with a man who is married, and they often have their own, very busy and full lives, and are not simply a toy/hobby. Actually, most of the OW I read about here are at the beck and call of the MM. They sit and wait for the call, the text, the quick visit. If they dont' have from him before the weekend, when he normally won't call or text, their weekend is sad, depressing and/or ruined? They can't wait for Monday when they can resume contact. Why can't this be a love based relationship?
carhill Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I was speaking of community funds .. not personal or inheritance.. Oh, sorry. I figured most men with mistresses would be up on that stuff and 'arrange' things with their lawyer or financial adviser. My exW and I had/have separate businesses and had very little true community property, which may be atypical. Yeah, I'd probably have a problem with my spouse spending our grocery money on an affair partner, so point taken and I'd likely be looking for judicial relief on that matter.
Silly_Girl Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Actually, most of the OW I read about here are at the beck and call of the MM. They sit and wait for the call, the text, the quick visit. If they dont' have from him before the weekend, when he normally won't call or text, their weekend is sad, depressing and/or ruined? They can't wait for Monday when they can resume contact. Most? Really? I see a lot of independent, strong, busy women who are in a relationship with a married man, and who often desperately want more. I haven't perceived their 'wanting more' as them having no life of their own... There are 'lost weekends' from time to time, that OW's write about on here, but these seem to be as things are kicking off or they're breaking up. But 'ruined weekends'? That's not something I've seen regularly on here at all. But I've not been here as long as you FO.
jthorne Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 If you are the other woman and he picks up the tab, buys gifts and helps with bills- are you a mistress?Depends. Some women consider being called "the mistress" more prestigious than being an "other" woman. Some believe the opposite. Which one do you consider yourself to be?
BB07 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Actually, neither. :lmao: and do tell us why you asked? Getting info from you is like pulling teeth.
Fieldsofgold Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 In my view.........being a mistress would mean that you aren't independent and self supporting which IMO is a dangerous thing for any woman to do, mistress or not. I would also think that a mm would take care of all your financial needs if you were his mistress. This is what I think of when I think of mistress. Also Silly Girl's definition. I might add one other thing that I think of in terms of distinguishing the two. The mistress accepts her position as the long-term side relationship, and doesn't push for marriage or an exclusive or primary relationship with the MM.
BB07 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 This is what I think of when I think of mistress. Also Silly Girl's definition. I might add one other thing that I think of in terms of distinguishing the two. The mistress accepts her position as the long-term side relationship, and doesn't push for marriage or an exclusive or primary relationship with the MM. I like your added on point......I left that out. I also thought SG gave a good definition also, well at least what I think the difference is.
steelknife Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 ive always seen myself as the other woman in his life. his girlfriend (if you allow me, because i am NOT a mistress. because he has a wife). i am very independent from him. i give him gifts more than he gives me and it never bothered me. i gave him branded things he wouldnt buy for himself. but when the bs rang me, she said she is so pathetic for, "talking to the, mistress of my hubby..." so i guess, it is just the same thing? ow and mistress? that they both have a relation with a married man. the former, independent. the latter dependent financially? but that they both have a relation with a married man? waht difference would it make then to the bs? or to everyone?
OWoman Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 If he is still married, half of what he gives you belongs to his wife - in settlement. This depends on where, and how, you are M - it's completely untrue in many cases. In my case, for example, my H and his xW had separate finances, each contributing an agreed amount each month into a communal account for agreed "shared" expenses (related to the house, or the kids). For the rest, to each his / her own. Neither knew how much the other earned, and neither cared or had any say about how the other spent their money. They only found out what they each earned during the D negotiations, for the financial settlement. So any money he spent on me was certainly HIS money, and she wasn't entitled to a penny of it - just as he wasn't entitled to any of her money she'd squandered.
jthorne Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 :lmao: and do tell us why you asked? Getting info from you is like pulling teeth. *shrug* Maybe it was her way of telling us that he was still picking up the tab, buying gifts and paying some bills? Hooray!
Owl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Mombot- Did you ever get the explanation from him as to why his wife refused to believe you when you called her? Have you reconciled the fact that she doesn't APPEAR to know or want to believe that he's seeing you with him telling you that he's available to be with you? Or got a clear answer as to why you couldn't be with him when his kids were in town visiting? I know you claim not to feel like an OW or mistress...but the very little bit of information you post clearly spells out that you are a hidden secret that he keeps from his wife and his children. What's your plan to correct that?
2sure Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 When I was OW I was independent as far as I had a job, a house, etc. But I also expected to receive some of the benefits of my relationship with MM that his wife had and that other women in exclusive relationships received. Because I was exclusive to him and he could not be to me, because I gave up holidays, sharing burdens, legal security, because I formed my time and emotions around him and his schedule...I expected and received the benefits he was able to give me to show that he cared and appreciated me. Vacations, art, jewelry, a condo, a car. By accepting those gifts many people here have labeled me a mistress or a prostitute as opposed to OW. The only difference between the 2 that I can see is : The OW sacrifices and the MM benefits. Apparently in the view of others if OW is anything other than a victim m if she benefits at all...she is a whore. But in my mind...OW should be taken care of by MM in the ways that he can, just as he would in any other relationship. If he isnt...then OW is being used just as a prostitute but free.
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