NC worked and she wants us to try again but Im not sure I want to.

[Chance_taker]

We broke up over 2 months ago after 3 years. I was blindsided and didnt take it well. I didnt stand in her way though, and never fully understood why and still dont. Her reason was I wouldnt understand and she didn't see us going farther. I went complete NC and she occasionally sent nonsense texts which I never responded to. Until one day outta the blue I get an "I miss you" I didn't respond and then a little while goes by and I get a call from an unknown caller and because of my job I have to answer. I was pretty shocked to here her voice. One thing led to another and we met for lunch a few weekends back and she ended up staying the weekend. It was amazing and it felt so good to be with her. But when she left I felt the pain of her leaving me each time. But in the process of us spending time together she said we could never be together. I didn't know how to take it but I didn't want to spoil our time together because I had missed her so much. Anyhow she continued to want to spend time with me and stay the nights. Finally I listened to you guys and ignored her attempts and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. This went on for the last couple of days until she came over today because she knew I had off today. Anyhow she says she realized she made a huge mistake and wants to try again. I didn't give her an answer because I can't just let her back in to my life on her terms or she will just do this to me again and I honestly cant go through that again. My question is do you think she honestly misses "us" or is this just because she is lonely? I mean she did tell me a week or so ago that we cant be together and then this. She is supposed to come back over tonight and this is just a little much to take. I mean I would have given anything to get her back a month ago and now Im not so sure I can fully trust her to not do that to me again. Any suggestions? Thanks

[alwayshoping]

Dude, take it slowley.

 

Take the chance. Tell her how you feel and let her earn your trust back.

If she cant then end it and at least you will have the closure you need.

 

She may leave you again. But its a risk I would take. Some wouldnt and would just find someone they knew didnt have that in them. But she left you once and realised it was a mistake. She may just think again before she thinks the grass is greener!

 

People will defo say leave her be and get someone else to prevent another heartbreak. I say take the chance (excuse the pun).

 

Let us know what happens but i will be here crossing my fingers that your happy again.

 

Good luck matey x

[Chance_taker]

Thanks man. I thought I'd be more happy for this day then I am. Im not going to kid myself though it does feel good to have turned the tables. She will be over in a few hours and I still don't know what I want to do. Maybe the best thing I can do is like you suggest and take it real slow and just start over again, and if there is any red flags I'll head for the hills. I will keep you all posted with anything new.

[thekid55]

Thanks man. I thought I'd be more happy for this day then I am. Im not going to kid myself though it does feel good to have turned the tables. She will be over in a few hours and I still don't know what I want to do. Maybe the best thing I can do is like you suggest and take it real slow and just start over again, and if there is any red flags I'll head for the hills. I will keep you all posted with anything new.

 

Take things slow. Don't always hang out with her when she wants to hang out. Just enjoy being with her without any thoughts for the future. Just enjoy the moment.

 

I'm starting to receive these 'non-sense' texts from her. I received something from her last night at 12:30 AM about her Mom visitng her and asking to see me, but I was at work. How odd.

[Am4Real]

We broke up over 2 months ago after 3 years. I was blindsided and didnt take it well.

 

........

 

I mean I would have given anything to get her back a month ago and now Im not so sure I can fully trust her to not do that to me again. Any suggestions? Thanks

 

Chance Taker,

 

Most of the experienced “established” posters will tell you the DUMPER almost always comes back around. For the most part the word “almost” can be considered correct even if it is not statistically supported. It seems too often after the DUMPEE continually ignores repetitive communication attempts by the DUMPER they want to know why and start to suggest occasional meetings without a clear reason of why other than “I miss you”. Sound familiar?

 

Reading a lot of posts over the years I tend to notice that many half-hearted reconciliations end up as failures or outright disasters. Not because the DUMPEE had false hopes (totally), but because the true intent of the DUMPER was either well disguised, mis-represented or plainly kept secret or at a distance.

 

It is the intuitive DUMPEE like you who proceeds with caution that provides at the very least, a remote chance for success.

 

You should be aware that long term breaks, especially those greater than three weeks in length, are rarely successful. Much has changed with each of you after a few weeks or months apart. Many times one or both of the partners have engaged in other sexual activities or several rebound relationships that suddenly inject jealous feelings into the reconciliation attempt. A sexual interlude of your partner with someone else can pop into your heart or jealous head unexpectedly and bring about almost uncontrollable anger. Be prepared for this…as often the former partner will deny there was other sexual activity even if there was…in order to preserve the chances of a reconciliation.

 

[highlight]You should be very aware of all the pitfalls before you go further as more than not the original reason you departed in the first place has not been resolved and will surely resurface sometime in the future.[/highlight] Even your words of not understanding or “never fully understanding why she left you” are a telltale sign of future trouble. Do you know how to settle this question before you decide to reconcile?

 

Also be aware of even going through the thought of reconciliation and then changing your mind about the chance can bring about all the old feelings of a break up. Are you emotionally prepared for that?

 

Lastly if do decide to consider her request she needs to be clear with you in all of these areas of concern; she needs to practically beg you to forgive her and she needs to beg you to take her back. Nothing short of these three proclamations’ will ever ease your fears and, the last thing you want, like you said, is to go through another parting with this person and feel all the pain all over again.

 

Best wishes,

 

Am4Real

[freeshrink]

 

It is the intuitive DUMPEE like you who proceeds with caution that provides at the very least, a remote chance for success.

 

You should be aware that long term breaks, especially those greater than three weeks in length, are rarely successful. Much has changed with each of you after a few weeks or months apart. Many times one or both of the partners have engaged in other sexual activities or several rebound relationships that suddenly inject jealous feelings into the reconciliation attempt.

Am4Real

 

I agree with the proceed with caution approach, but from my experience and watching others, the longer the time people are apart, the greater the chance for successful reconciliation. In fact, very little has changed in a few weeks or a few months. Patterns re-emerge very quickly,

 

The failed rebound relationships of the dumper is the only chance that the dumpee has. The dumper realizes that the dumpee was the most compatible partner of the bunch. This often takes YEARS after the initial breakup.

[iamawesome]

I'm going to give you a math explanation so you can sort of understand how failure works. There are two kinds of factors, dependent and independent. Dependant factors are observed failures while independent factors are the things that directly cause failure.

 

We can assume that your previous failure was most likely a combination of random events combined with non-random behavioral patterns.

 

The chance of a random event (bad timing in life, life altering events) being the source of failure for the relationship will be greatly reduced the second time around.

 

The chance of a non-random behavioral pattern will technically be the same; however, because the human mind catalogs peoples behaviors it is likely to detect and associate your new behavior with past behavior. Due to this, your chance of failure will actually be higher than it was during the first attempt. Why? Well now you have the chance of failure for new behavior + chance of failure for old associated behavior.

 

So the obvious strategy to adopt is to dissociate old behavior while reducing the chance of failure for new behavior. So if you sit down and identify points of failure that were behavior oriented, you can work towards avoiding those same mistakes.

 

To disassociate, you will absolutely need to avoid bringing up things in the past and constantly look towards things in the future. Another important thing is to occasionally break preconceived notions and be prepared to offer her a set of "new" things. The brain will forget old stuff to make room for new stuff especially the stuff that doesn't fit any particular type of pattern. These changes don't have to be anything drastic. They can be subtle, for instance associating new music or new imagery with yourself.

 

So if you play your cards right with reducing failure for new behavior while reducing associated behavior then that will make this second relationship less likely to fail. The dissociating process will be long, so know that for a while the odds will be against you.

 

You need to adopt a slow long term strategy to maximize disassociation . So basically everything Am4Real said, but know that you need something NEW to offer her going back into this, while at the same time offering her the best of old. If you run out of NEW ammo and disassociation hasn't "completed" you will be stranded and your odds of failure begin to rise. Good luck sir, I hope my attempt to explain things in a "mathy" way made sense.

[freeshrink]

This mathematical approach has merit- dissociation of past behaviors and introduction of new behaviors. However, the burden of change rests on the dumper. They must go along with this approach as well. Nevertheless, behaviors change slowly and are usually only precipitated by life-altering events. The dumper must experience some upheaval otherwise his/her behaviors are not likely to change.

[Am4Real]

I'm going to give you a math explanation so you can sort of understand how failure works. There are two kinds of factors, dependent and independent.

 

Iamawesome,

 

I like the post but reading through it at 10:52 PM had my head spinning... LOL!

 

Nice post.

[Cratsky]

My advice: Yes, take it slow. Don't make her more of a priority than you would a close friend. You need to see see if you still fundamentally share the same compatibilities and if the same irritations you may have felt before still arise. Maybe this time around, you'll notice something quite off-putting about her to your surprise. Just don't go in there with rose tinted glasses. Once bitten, twice shy.

 

I quite enjoyed reading the mathematical response posted. Most relevant though, I am in large support of the response by Am4Real. Think on it some more. Don't put her through the grinder, however you have every right to explain how her actions made you feel and to raise any concerns you have moving forward. This is a good check to see exactly how much thought she's given it. Or is it purely just a knee jerk reaction to her being lonely?

 

If she expects some 'get out of jail free card' and refuses to support you when you have those moments of pain (as you mentioned this happens every time she leaves) and she isn't willing to reassure you the way she should be and take responsibility for her actions... that's a big red light.

 

It takes 6 months for people to make a permanent change. You must be aware that the same insecurities/issues she had and the reasons for the original break up haven't gone away. She's simply had more time to think about how to go about changing it (if that's what has happened) but she needs to prove to you through action that she has learnt something and has put in place an appropriate behaviour and/or thought to ensure it doesn't arise again.

 

Good luck if it does work out.

[Chance_taker]

Im such an idiot for falling into this girls trap again. So she comes to my place last week and pours her heart out to me saying she made a huge mistake and wants us to try again. I was very reluctant but I still had feelings for this girl so I decided why not give it shot and see where it goes. So we go out friday night and have a great time and she spends the night again at my place. She leaves in the morning and says I love you and I'll give you a call later. I thought maybe things could be different and she is actually serious about persuing a relationship again. Anyways I waited and no call later. I didn't bother contacting her because the ball was in her court because she said she'd call me later. So that kind of bothered me but I ended up going out with a few friends anyways so I didn't let it get to me too much. So sunday rolls around and I thought for sure she would call or text but nope nothing. I don't call her or initiate contact again because its on her to call me like she said. Well fast forward to today almost a week later and nothing. Im done for good with this girl. I just cant understand her reasons for wanting another try and then leaving me hanging. So lesson learned that once somethings broken it will never be the same. Hope she never contacts me again because I will not respond. Guess her ego got the boost it was looking for and off to greener pastures.

[Am4Real]

Im such an idiot for falling into this girls trap again.

 

Hate to hear the bad news but as stated:

 

Reading a lot of posts over the years I tend to notice that many half-hearted reconciliations end up as failures or outright disasters. Not because the

DUMPEE

had false hopes (totally), but because the true intent of the

DUMPER

was either well disguised, mis-represented or plainly kept secret or at a distance.

 

It is the intuitive

DUMPEE

like you who proceeds with caution that provides at the very least, a remote chance for success.

 

 

[renogirl4]

I'm sorry OP,

 

 

this is all an assumption but it sounds like she was with someone aand they possibly broke up temporaily, and she was seeking comfort from someone she knows, without going through the hassel of meeting someone new. And BAM! Right when he and the bf or SO reconciles, that leaves you back in the dust. Seen it happen a million times.

 

 

But like I said this is just an assumption..

 

Next time she contacts you.. it will be that more easier to ignore her.

[Am4Real]

I'm sorry OP,

 

 

this is all an assumption but it sounds like she was with someone aand they possibly broke up temporaily, and she was seeking comfort from someone she knows, without going through the hassel of meeting someone new. And BAM! Right when he and the bf or SO reconciles, that leaves you back in the dust. Seen it happen a million times.

 

 

But like I said this is just an assumption..

 

Next time she contacts you.. it will be that more easier to ignore her.

 

This is very plausible. Good observation!

[iamawesome]

You were supposed to take it slow, not sleep together right away...

[Am4Real]

You were supposed to take it slow, not sleep together right away...

 

I think all of your mathematics confused him...LOL!

[andyohyeah]

let me give you my two cents. exactly a year ago my gf broke up with me for two weeks. I got her back and now guess what exactly a year later the same stuff is happening. unless you really think she is going to try and you as well run for the hills no sense going through a break up twice with someone. just think who knows maybe a year from now you could be going through another breakup with a completely new person lol. it's your call and I wish you the best.