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I'm not the other woman per-sey but I am an ex she's worried about

lenny

By lenny
in The Other Man / Woman

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lenny Established Member

lenny

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Probably justifyably.

 

This guy and I were the best of friends and slipped into dating about 15 years ago - it lasted 4 months and while the sex was fantastic, us as a couple wasn't; so we slipped back into being the best of friends. We love each other dearly and want the absolute best for each other but we aren't "in love". Since that time, if the both of us are single, we get into a FWB scenario.

 

This was really his bad but we were involved in one of our FWB times about 2 years ago when he started dating this new girl. He kept me in the dark for a couple months that he had a girl. During this time his new girl stumbled across a risque text from me on his phone and the hate was on. He then filled me in on the situation so back to friend zone we went.

 

Right now these two are having some issues and I guess I've been a bit of a thorn in the side of this relationship all along although they've come to some sort of peace regarding me (from my understanding). Today though, out of the blue, the girl is trying to get into contact with me and I'm not to sure what to do.

minx33 Member

minx33

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Well you have two choices. 1) ignore her. This is going to make her think you want him more then a friend, or that something is going on, 2) talk to her. Try to reassure her that you are just friends and offer to only hang out/talk to him without her present. This could go along way. And yes, she is justified in feeling this way.

desertIslandCactus Established Member

desertIslandCactus

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They're only in a relationship and even if they were getting married, you owe them nothing..

 

It never occurred to me to contact any of my husband's former girl friends.

minx33 Member

minx33

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You don't "owe" them anything but it is the decent thing to do if you care about others and especially your friend.

desertIslandCactus Established Member

desertIslandCactus

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You don't "owe" them anything but it is the decent thing to do if you care about others and especially your friend.

 

Lenny is separate from their problems ..

minx33 Member

minx33

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Yet she is not. Unfortunatly, given her history with her friend. Anyone would need reasurrance. Its the decent thing to do as her former history is causing stress in his relationship. If I was the gf, her NOT talking to me would raise red flags

desertIslandCactus Established Member

desertIslandCactus

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Yet she is not. Unfortunatly, given her history with her friend. Anyone would need reasurrance. Its the decent thing to do as her former history is causing stress in his relationship. If I was the gf, her NOT talking to me would raise red flags

 

 

To me it doesn't even matter if Lenny has feelings for her friend. (My maid of honor cared for my husband).

 

The bottom line is her friend isn't married so there's no infidelity problem.

 

I believe it is for the two of them (gf / bf) to work out the Trust issue between themselves Before marriage .. Otherwise some big problems in that marriage.

 

What bride (if it's going that far with these two).. would contact her husbands former girlfriends or friends beforehand. and why .. Is there trust or not.

minx33 Member

minx33

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No infidelity????? If you are in acommited, monogamous relationship regardless of marriage, its infidelity.

desertIslandCactus Established Member

desertIslandCactus

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No infidelity????? If you are in acommited, monogamous relationship regardless of marriage, its infidelity.

 

Lenny refers to him as her ex. Their sexual relations were two years ago around the time he took on this girl friend..

 

Don't get too upset about it minx .. When people do a lot of things when they are single .. But it is expected that it be curtailed after marriage .. There has been no marriage infidelity (adultery) here.

minx33 Member

minx33

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the way I read it, op and the guy were still sleeping together the first few months. Now, maybe he and the gf didn't have an edxclusive relationship at that time, but cannt u see the gfs point?

desertIslandCactus Established Member

desertIslandCactus

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the way I read it, op and the guy were still sleeping together the first few months. Now, maybe he and the gf didn't have an edxclusive relationship at that time, but cannt u see the gfs point?

 

No. Lenny has even said that she was kept in the dark during that period.. Then he made it exclusive with gf.

 

I still feel their problems are not Lenny's. He has a jealous girl friend and Lenny is not having sex with him.

 

As I mentioned, even if the relationship is serious - I can't imagine a bride contacting the prev girl friends, friends. They should iron it out amongst the two of them.

 

If Lenny was unfortunate enough to be used by him, until he chose his girl friend - Lenny's unfortunate enough.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Right now these two are having some issues and I guess I've been a bit of a thorn in the side of this relationship all along although they've come to some sort of peace regarding me (from my understanding). Today though, out of the blue, the girl is trying to get into contact with me and I'm not to sure what to do.

 

Can you expand on this? It has to be more than just a text. Do you still see and get together with him alot, even though the FWB part is over? Maybe she isn't comfortable with him even being friends with you. If you two are 'bestfriends' he should have introduced you to her as soon as it got serious.

 

What kind of "peace" have they decided on?

greengoddess Established Member

greengoddess

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obviously you feel more than best friends with this guy otherwise you would not be here. if you are his best friend then why aren't you friends with her too? it is customary to also be friends with a best friends significant other. I don't even understand the posts that you owe her nothing. What is that about? It's your best friends girlfriend why wouldn't you talk to her, go out all of you etc? You feel more than you're admitting.

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lenny Established Member

lenny

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I don't talk to him too terribly much any more after that text interception because I don't want to cause problems in their relationship (typically if either of us are having problems we need someone to talk to other than SOs). It was just a raunchy text but after they were exclusive.

 

After getting the message from the girlfriend yesterday I called the guy up and asked where this was coming from and he explained some of the problems they are having as well as where I fit into everything (aka - why the hell does she want to talk to me?). I guess they are broken up - although he is still with her every day helping her with some serious health issues she's going through. After the text interception, she didn't really care for him talking to me at all but they'd worked it out and I guess the trust was there and she was comfortable with the friendship.

 

I really should have met this girl already actually. I am guessing I would have probably met her if I lived in the same town and actually saw him a little more often. He stops by if he's going past where I live and I call him up for coffee if I'm where he lives - which has happened like 4 times in the last 2 years. Honestly, when I do get ahold of him or he gets ahold of me I always kind of thought we were doing it without the girlfriends knowledge - not that we were doing anything inappropriate but from the way he talked to me about her I had the impression she was super over-possessive. I don't know what he was thinking to have spent as much time as he did with the girlfriend to have her okay with our friendship but keep talking and seeing me on the sly??? I really should have questioned this as well.

 

Anyways, now that I found out they are currently broken up, I'm even more confused about why she wants to talk to me.

desertIslandCactus Established Member

desertIslandCactus

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Am assuming that "fwb" is sex. Is that correct.

freestyle Established Member

freestyle

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It almost sounds like he's been keeping you on the back-burner as a back-up plan.

 

And I don't think it's very cool that he kept you on the side as a friend, without making a point of introducing you to his gf, if they had a serious relationship going. Sounds manipulative on his part....intentional compartmentalizing. I think he kept you separate on purpose........

 

She probably wants to talk to you because she's looking for answers---if he kept his coffee dates with you from her, it's possible he kept other things from her as well. She might just be trying to make sense of it all........

 

She might have been over-possessive--or he might have been painting her that way---playing the victim when in fact he's the one who was doing things behind her back.When a guy starts acting squirrely, even the most confident, secure woman in the world is going to start questioning a man's actions. A manipulative guy will respond to that by turning the tables, and labeling his gf/W/SO as 'jealous, insecure, overpossessive' etc. It's nothing more than an attempt to deflect attention from his own behavior.

Owl Established Member

Owl

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I don't talk to him too terribly much any more after that text interception because I don't want to cause problems in their relationship (typically if either of us are having problems we need someone to talk to other than SOs). It was just a raunchy text but after they were exclusive.

 

After getting the message from the girlfriend yesterday I called the guy up and asked where this was coming from and he explained some of the problems they are having as well as where I fit into everything (aka - why the hell does she want to talk to me?). I guess they are broken up - although he is still with her every day helping her with some serious health issues she's going through. After the text interception, she didn't really care for him talking to me at all but they'd worked it out and I guess the trust was there and she was comfortable with the friendship.

 

I really should have met this girl already actually. I am guessing I would have probably met her if I lived in the same town and actually saw him a little more often. He stops by if he's going past where I live and I call him up for coffee if I'm where he lives - which has happened like 4 times in the last 2 years. Honestly, when I do get ahold of him or he gets ahold of me I always kind of thought we were doing it without the girlfriends knowledge - not that we were doing anything inappropriate but from the way he talked to me about her I had the impression she was super over-possessive. I don't know what he was thinking to have spent as much time as he did with the girlfriend to have her okay with our friendship but keep talking and seeing me on the sly??? I really should have questioned this as well.

 

Anyways, now that I found out they are currently broken up, I'm even more confused about why she wants to talk to me.

 

These two statements make no sense together.

 

If they're "broken up", then there can be no "problems they're having".

 

She may be contacting you because she may have doubts as to whether or not he was truthful to her about his relationship with you, whether or not you slept with him, etc...

 

She may suspect that he cheated on her with you and is hoping to get the truth from you where she may not believe that he'd be honest with her about it.

 

From my perspective, I'd steer clear of the whole mess. If he's still talking to her, then it's "not over" in someone's mind. Too easy to get drug into the mix with this kind of situation.

desertIslandCactus Established Member

desertIslandCactus

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From my perspective, I'd steer clear of the whole mess. If he's still talking to her, then it's "not over" in someone's mind. Too easy to get drug into the mix with this kind of situation.

 

I agree. If FWB is sex .. then you have been closer than best friends.

 

It's not as if you are an OW and answering to questions of a betrayed spouse.

 

Sounds as if you had the same intimacy with his as the girl friend and you have nothing to explain.

 

And yes, he is acting manipulative and squirley.

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lenny Established Member

lenny

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Friends with benefits

desertIslandCactus Established Member

desertIslandCactus

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Friends with benefits

 

Then, all I've posted - stands .. :)

spice4life Established Member

spice4life

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These two statements make no sense together.

 

If they're "broken up", then there can be no "problems they're having".

 

She may be contacting you because she may have doubts as to whether or not he was truthful to her about his relationship with you, whether or not you slept with him, etc...

 

She may suspect that he cheated on her with you and is hoping to get the truth from you where she may not believe that he'd be honest with her about it.

 

From my perspective, I'd steer clear of the whole mess. If he's still talking to her, then it's "not over" in someone's mind. Too easy to get drug into the mix with this kind of situation.

 

I totally agree with owl on this and definitely would steer clear of the whole mess. It's between them and no one else.

Tsm Member

Tsm

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obviously you feel more than best friends with this guy otherwise you would not be here. if you are his best friend then why aren't you friends with her too? it is customary to also be friends with a best friends significant other. I don't even understand the posts that you owe her nothing. What is that about? It's your best friends girlfriend why wouldn't you talk to her, go out all of you etc? You feel more than you're admitting.

 

Shes not her friend so i dont see how she owes her anything. If she needs peace she needs to find within her.

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lenny Established Member

lenny

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Update

 

So ... I did end up talking to her. I had in my mind a couple scenarios of what she was wanting to talk about and missed completely on all accounts.

 

She didn't want to talk to me at all as the OW or the ex but as someone she knew to be good friends with the guy as she was concerned about how he was dealing with the break up.

 

What a wonderful lady and conversation it was! I so regret we haven't been friends all along! Boy this guy has good taste in women :)!

 

As to this guy being manipulative and squirley ... absolutely! Did I mention we dated for a few months and we didn't make a good couple? He really was a terrible boyfriend and it's good to see he made significant improvements over time while he was with this girl. Of course, it's kind of the same as it was when we broke up where he valued me more and learned more about where he went wrong after we were done.

 

Anyways, I think I made a new friend after this experience and I'm very glad I did decide to talk to her. I hope the two of them are able to work things out in the long term but I guess the biggest reason for the breakup was her health issues and the fighting and discord was not doing her good.

 

I will always care about the guy despite his faults and if they do end up working things out I have a feeling I'll be more a regular part of things rather than kept on the sly. Actually - any future relationships he has I'm going to insist on it!

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Do yourself a huge favour though, he's single and when/if you're single, do NOT have sex with him anymore. Let the FWB days be over and done with, even more so if you feel you've found a new friend out of this. It would be mighty weird and uncomfortable if you and he had sex again, then the two of them got back together.

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

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They're only in a relationship and even if they were getting married, you owe them nothing..

 

It never occurred to me to contact any of my husband's former girl friends.

 

 

Oh, for real...that would be too embarrassing!

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