How Do I Proceed?

[Sphere20]

Hello, everyone!

 

First post on the forums. I've joined in hopes of getting some dating advice and/or simply confirmation of my theories. Perhaps this sounds a little odd for dating but let me tell you right from the beginning - I'm a bit of a paranoid person. Not in the crazy sense, but simply in a way that I always carefully weigh my choices and usually look at stuff that would be (too) good for me in a pessimistic way. Or always in touch with Murphy, if you wish.

 

Anyways... Onwards to my problem. There is this girl (how many times have you read a sentence on this forum beginning like this?) that I have known for years. The thing is, we knew each other as young children and then lost contact for almost a decade (various reasons). Now, after all these years, she met my father by coincidence and got my number (I'm not sure whether she asked for it or not). She called me and said it'd be nice to meet up again with another friend of mine that I didn't see for years (but this friend was living with her for the past few years or so, it seems). Hopefully I'm not overcomplicating this.

 

It turns out that this third person couldn't make the meeting because she's out of the country for studies, so we ended up meeting alone. I was excited to see her again after all this time, but didn't expect anything to come out of it, really. However, we chatted for a bit over two hours and laughed a lot (and since I'm not a fan of going out to bars and cafes to drink and chat, I'm not sure if this is a good sign or it's common; or perhaps I'm simply reading into it too much). Before we parted outside, she invited me to call her if I'm visiting the town where she works and studies and I was all for it. When I came home, I felt odd; although we've simply chatted about various things, I've had a great time and realised I've developed a bit of a crush on her. I guess it's silly to develop a crush for someone you've only met for a couple of hours after a decade, but she's really cute, friendly and funny.

 

I decided to keep quiet for 4 days or so and then called her to ask her if she'd be available after work in the middle of the week. I don't think I've made it obvious that I was asking her out on a date, since I was just 'visiting' the town for errands. She told me it was best for me to call her and check if she'd be free then, because her job does stretch into the evening sometimes. And the buffoon that I am, I've called her about 2 hours BEFORE she would probably go home, just to be sure, which made it seem like I was already finished with my errands and was about to go home if she didn't have time. So she logically said she'd still be working for a few hours. However, she DID ask me if I was free on Friday or the weekend and we've agreed that she'd call me if she'd have time. She basically said if we wouldn't meet this week, we'd meed the next weekend.

 

Now I'm REALLY sorry for this horrible spaghetti post of paranoia, speculation and gibberish, but I really do have a crush on this girl. What I really need advice on now is... What do the women of this forum think is going on (if you can dissect anything at all from my incoherent post or the fact that I'm asking you to be telepathic and read her thoughts)? Would she be aware I was interested in her and really asking her out on a date? Or is she simply being nice?

 

Sorry if any of this seems silly, but I really lack in dating experience and am a bit lost. On one hand, I'd love to be something more with her, but on the other, I dread of making myself look like an utter pillock and souring our friendship...

[Sphere20]

So many views and not a single reply... Bump..?

[Butterfly16]

Maybe she really was busy since she did say she may work into the evening sometimes. It kind of sounds like if she wasn't interested, she wouldn't have even mentioned if you were free Friday or the weekend. If she just wanted to be nice I'm sure she would have said something to the effect...it was nice meeting with you, but I really am busy and I don't know when I'll be free. She gave you a possible time that she might be available, so go for it!! And Good Luck!!!

[Sphere20]

Hey, Butterfly and thanks for the reassurance. I'd like to think with your logic as well but my other part of the mind (the eeeeevil one) keeps telling me she could never be really interested in me.

 

And... It's evening now, she's most likely off from work already. And she hasn't called.. Surprise. Granted, I did make it sound as if I didn't have time because of work (stupid me) but still... Perhaps she'll call tomorrow? I don't know. Or not at all.

 

I just can't help myself but keep fighting my own insecurity and self-esteem. I haven't dated a lot at all and it shows. One of the threads here about 'late bloomers' I can relate to quite a bit, especially with the affectionate part. I seem to get too much into a "this-is-it" mood and get broken when things fall apart. Same here. It just feels as if I'll never find anyone right for me if this fails. I know it's not true, but still. Ahhhhh, I digress...

 

She'll call... Right...? I mean, right?

[Sphere20]

I know I'm being a bit obsessive about this, but she hasn't called me yet and it's already past noon. So this leaves me with having to wait until the next Friday when she said we'd be meeting if not earlier.

 

I know I shouldn't call and bug her because it'll sound ridiculous and I won't. But the wait is killing me and I keep telling myself she's forgotten or is not interested.

 

I could simply leave this thread alone until the coming Friday but it just feels so much easier if I talk about this with someone. So, any comments or advice you have would be much appreciated.

[cherub-rock]

As a girl...I suspect she likes you too. She just sounds honestly busy. Call her in another day or so. Give her more than one time- don't make it part of errands. If she can't make it, then there's probasbly yer answer.

Are ya brave/crazy enough to lay it on the line and tell her you think she's cool? Love the way you described your dorkiness by the way. Arghh...crushes are brutal aint they? But awesome.

[Sphere20]

Heya, Cherub, and thank you for your answer! It really helps to get some insight from "The Other Side™", even though I know you can't read her thoughts. Appreciate that.

 

What you're suggesting IS crazy, but worryingly intriguing. My biggest concern is not to scare her off as some kind of a creep, though. Forget what I said about looking like an utter pillock - that can take the second place.

 

How would you, as a woman, feel if a guy told you he liked you and wanted to invite you out after only one two-hour chat in a café? Granted, we DO know each other for over a decade, but as I've said, this was the first time I've seen her in more than 7 years or so (lost track, really). Would you think I'm nuts? I know it's probably up to each individual, but... generally speaking?

 

In either case, I've decided to wait if she'll call me the coming Friday. If not, I'll call her after a few days after that and... just say it, I guess.

 

As for my dorkiness, yeah... I'm like that.

[lululucy]

Two hours is more than enough time to have spent together to ask someone out! I get the feeling that in your interactions you might have mentioned errands and obligations a little too much -- she probably dismissed the invitation as friendly as soon as that happened, so getting back to you (a friend) is less pressing than getting back to you (a potential boyfriend). I definitely second cherub-rock, make sure the next time you make plans you specify very clearly that you are not meeting out of convenience but out of a desire to see her and spend time with her. Even call it a date you'll get your answer.

[Sphere20]

Thank you for your advice, Lucy!

 

I'm going to do it! The next time we talk (regardless of whether she calls me or I do it), I'll mention that I'm inviting her out, not simply meeting because I have time. I'm just not quite sure how to put it into words on the phone... "I'm not inviting you out because I have time but because I want to see you"? No, that doesn't quite convey the message, does it? I feel awkward by bluntly saying it's a date... "I'm inviting you out because I've had a great time last time"? That one just feels as if I'm inviting her out to have another good time, nothing else... Sigh, I'm useless at this... Any suggestions?

 

I want to do this right and not spoil my chances... I know I shouldn't bother my head with rules and such when I'm actually on a date (if we even get to that point, of course) but I can be a bit shy around potential girlfriends.

 

How should I greet her? The last time we met I, of course, gave her a handshake. But if I'm inviting her out, is that really appropriate any more? And if not, a hug is probably even worse... I think just making eye contact and smiling broadly (that will occur naturally ) should suffice, no?

 

Thank you so much for all of your advice!

[cherub-rock]

ok so...it was she who said "if not this week, then next"? yeah...the catch up is implied.

Definitely don't use the "I'm asking you out because..." line. Forget the errands mistake, it keeps the focus on the positive that way. Just tell her you had an awesome time, let her know you're looking forward to catching up. You don't have to use the word date if you're worried. BUT, if she asks if it's a date, then you reply yes. Without hesitation. Maybe ask for a suggestion of a place to meet up- Home territory cannot be discounted as a great start.

As for a greeting, a handshake is a no. Too formal- you're at the very least friends. I get hugs and kisses on the cheek from (platonic) male friends...just make it casual and it won't be creepy.

You're right, body language is vital. Girls are usually pretty good at reading this. Smiling, really listening...sit as close as you can without it being weird...a little chivalry etc. At the end of the night- don't make a move unless you REALLY think she wants you to (yes, you will know, or she will ask). If nothing happens, ask if you can see her again. If you get the blow off then, she aint interested, because she'd have to be blind not to know your intentions. The old be yourself line is more than a cliche. A natural, relaxed, interested, confident guy is ****in sexy.

Good luck!

[Sphere20]

Thanks for your reply, Cherub.

 

I apologise in advance for the rubbish I'll write, but I need to get it off my chest; it seems to help. And no, nothing horrible has happened yet. I'm just being a pessimistic pillock.

 

I've decided to give her a call today and check if the Friday meet-up was still 'go'. Also wanted to tell her about what you've advised me to do. She didn't answer and hasn't called me back yet. It's been 7 hours since then and not a word from her. And since it's Sunday, she's probably not working.

 

However, I think I'm just being too anxious and obsessive with this. She DID tell me once she tends to forget to reply to messages and such if she doesn't have time to reply/answer them when they arrive/call. Or it might be that she thinks I'm an annoying jerk calling her again after Wednesday. Or she knows what I'm up to and just doesn't want any of it. Or I'm being an utter idiot and reading waaaay too much into this and over-analysing it all to hell and back. Probably the latter.

 

I wouldn't call myself desperate (I won't be calling her again unless she calls me back) but I do have a weakness to get too excited about things. And since I've been very lonely for the past few years and not very good at going out to date women (who am I kidding? I don't do it at all, so no wonder I'm alone), every girl that I get a crush on, I get a really bad crush...

 

So.. yeah.. Just had to get this off my chest into text form. Still, anyone who reads this and replies - it's much appreciated. No one I really feel comfortable talking to about this over here...

[Sphere20]

Well... update! For those that can give me a bit of additional advice, anyway.

 

Today is Friday, the day she said we would meet if all else failed. I was almost certain she'd forget or whatever, but in the end, she did call. Unfortunately, since it's a bit of a holiday here, she and her friends decided to go to a different part of the country to have fun.

 

I'm not really chuffed with this but I'm not overly disappointed, either. I'm glad she's called. And to add to that, she's asked me when I'm available this coming week.

 

What I'd like to know now is... What do you guys and gals think? I still haven't told her that I'd like to ask her out on a date but... Is there a possibility she might have an idea because I'm so persistent? And what would her persistence tell you? Just being nice? In any case, I know it's hard knowing what she's thinking, but it'd be nice to hear your opinion on the matter.