tobydog Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 HOW can a man walk away from his child? He has not seen him for 2 weeks, hardly seen him in the 7 since he left. We waited 8 years for this darling boy and had 4 IVF's to get him. They had a wonderful bond, now nothing. Any ideas? Yes I suspect there is AW tho of course he strongly denies this. I spoke to him today and said he needs to see his father, said he may have him Sunday. I said he is not to take him near her. He said Do we sit in MacDonalds all day then? Errrr what to do? I am now in the anger stage, anger at him deserting his beloved boy who is 4.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 tobydog : I am truly sorry to hear about your current situation, namely in regards to your child. I really don't have a proven fact as to why the child Father is choosing to "miss out" on your Son's life. Other than to say, that I suspect, the reason might be that either your "soon to ex-Husband" or just "Husband" does not know how to mentally process all this new information. And he might be rather incorporating your child into bundle pack of problems he has with you! He might not know, at this time, how to separate the two worlds, "you" and "the kid". So until such time that he can better process this information, he might just lump the two of you together as being one problem. Or the flip side, which I feel is the worse, he might just be to a point that he doesn't care about either one of you. He just may be at the end of his rope and wishes to kick both of you to the curb, and start his life over again. Also speaking "as a man" I can tell you that we don't "multitask" as well as women! Sometimes men are stuck in some sort of 2-dimensional thinking thing, while women tend to be able to do the whole 3-dimensional thing very well. This might be the problem, the guy is stuck thinking about himself and this possible new woman only, I.E. 2-D thinking. While you and your Son are floating out there in the 3-D realm, which right now is beyond the scope of this mans thinking capacity! I know this all sucks right now, mainly for the child's sake! I hope his Father can pull his head out of his a** and realize what he is doing....sooner the better! Children don't stay young forever, they grow up and if the Father doesn't realize this soon, he could miss out on most if not all of this child young life, which would be tragic, for the miracle of youth only lasts so long!
Author tobydog Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Thanks Zen. They had such a great bond and he's now missing out on all the liitle delightful things he says and does. No-one can believe this has happened. He has not even rung him to say night night. I am getting over him the lying cheating bastard but my heart breaks at what he has done to his son. It's nothing short of wicked. I am not going to contact him ever again, leave it up to him and his lawyers. He called today and said he would have Matt on Sunday, I said Ok, I can go play some golf, but I said he cannot take him to the Slag's house. Am I entitled to expect this? he said he cannot sit in MacDonalds all day... So ill and v depressed at all this..... Thanks for taking the time x
The-Zen-Warrior Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 tobydog : I feel for both you and your Son, but everything in life has it's end. I think here real soon your going to need to stop being so concerned about what the Fathers child "is" or "is not" missing out on! Unless you had something to do with the demise of your marriage, and he has run of to another woman, as to start his life over again, unless you played a part in this, I wouldn't then worry to much over it. Remember, this is his choice, he has the power of free will to do what he wants, when he wants and where. His power of choice is out of your hands. The only person in this that you have control of is yourself! I'm sure he will come around one day and realize what he is missing, but until that day comes, just worry about you and your child only. But I will inject, that at this stage of the game, if you feel that at anytime he is going to introduce your child to the "other woman", while the child would be under his care, step in and try your best to prevent that from happening. The "ping pong" effect right now may do more harm to your child's mind, than good. Keep you child stable right now, keep him in an environment that is totally comfortable, more importantly......keep you child safe! Just presume for the moment that the child's Father's "moral compass" is out of whack! Right now, due to his moral compass being out of whack, malfunctioning or on total melt down. Either way use your "moral compass" as a substitute for the child's Father's. Make choices for your child based upon your moral compass, not the Fathers.
drewsmom Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Tobydog, I had the same feeling you did in the beginning, my stbx left my son and i last january and it still isnt over yet. ugg. When we first married neither one of us wanted children, we just liked our life, coming and going as we pleased. then one day 3 yrs into the marriage he came home and asked my if i wanted to have a child thinking one day we might regret having one. so we did. he is the love of my life, I breath for him. my stbx was the same as yours, couldnt care less if he seen him. I told him mabey you could take him a weekend, stbx told me I will take him friday nights, that works for me. When I told my lawyer this she said sometimes when you push them to see the kids they only get angry and take it out on the child. I didnt want that so i never pushed it again. My son is doing great, only seeing him fridays, but only because I stepped up and I do all the daddy things, i catch snakes with him, take him fishing, ect. we have a ball together. I was even told by a therepist (because I didnt change anything I always did those things with him) that i was doing the best thing for my son. children are smart and they know who will be there for them in the long run. if you ask my son do you want your dad back home he will tell you no its better here without him. his father yelled alot. I never put his father down or bad mouth him, my son is smart enough to see him for who he is. I would give anything for stbx to be closer to my son, but its his choice, and my son will not suffer for his choices. You need to be mom and dad. you will miss him as i do alot when were doing things we used to together, but your son will be better off, better for him to be busy with you than neglected when he is with his father. I know my stbx isnt even a father when he has my son cause i will ask if daddy played with him and he will say no he texted all night.
You Go Girl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 But I will inject, that at this stage of the game, if you feel that at anytime he is going to introduce your child to the "other woman", while the child would be under his care, step in and try your best to prevent that from happening. The "ping pong" effect right now may do more harm to your child's mind, than good. Keep you child stable right now, keep him in an environment that is totally comfortable, more importantly......keep you child safe! Just presume for the moment that the child's Father's "moral compass" is out of whack! Right now, due to his moral compass being out of whack, malfunctioning or on total melt down. Either way use your "moral compass" as a substitute for the child's Father's. Make choices for your child based upon your moral compass, not the Fathers. Now Zen, I admire many of your posts too, some are very enlightening. But I must disagree with this. She doesn't have the right to dictate who the child is around, unless that person is putting the child in harm's way. I'm sorry Toby, but you need to not focus on this OW, unless she poses some danger to your child. If it's going to happen sooner or later, and the child being only 4 doesn't understand it anyway, then leave it alone. You have to learn how to not think about this OW while your son is with her, and you also have to accept it. The hardest part will be when you child talks about her to you, probably as if you know her too, and letting out little details.
drewsmom Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 My lawyer and stbx agreed that there will be NO sleepovers(of opposite sex) when my son is around. I agree with that. I understand it hurts that the ow will be around your son. My son was around the ow a couple times, the first time it did bother me. but then I thought about it, if it wasnt her it would have been someone else, as long as she treats my son the way she would want her daughter treated then I have no problem with her being around him. I dont want all the drama, all the anger is exhausting. as long as she is good to him. If I focus on her all the time, I will be consumed with it and my son will not get the attention he deserves. Mabey I am not normal, I always put my son first. The other two are not worth it.
Author tobydog Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Yes thanks DrewsMum. I certainly do not want him around OW. The other thing is this OW has grown up kids, what decent woman would not encourage him to see his child?
Nemicron Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 thats awful. But my ex was sorta like that. She didn't give a car about her own kids. They were trophies to her. Im sorry your having to deal with that
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