Starting NC not by choice

[4321sn]

Starting NC not by choice but I know its for the best right now. I have been seeing MM for a year and a half. I was married as well at the time we met. My H discovered the affair after about 6 weeks. I am now separated and about to be divorced.

 

Shortly after the affair began we both knew we wanted to be together. *He has struggled much more than I have but I was discovered so who knows how things would have been different. He has been married for 18 years- got married very young. He says they never had real intimacy. There was always something missing emotionally. Asked her to go to therapy for years and she refused. He was miserable and thought that an affair would fill in the gaps. He never had a affair before ours. *Neither of us went into this expecting that we would care so deeply for one another and fall in love.

 

He was torn about what do to because of his children. He is a very involved father, more so than most I know.*

 

During the past year and a half he was always attentive, always was there for me and I felt loved by him. I did however feel anxious quite often and although I loved him, over time I began to feel depressed. The quick phone calls, the late night texts, the sneaking away during the day or the lying so that we could spend a night together.*

 

As his marriage started to decline further because he had pulled away and the fights became worse he just froze. Unable to act. They would have conversations here and there but not the conversation. He was planning on leaving in the spring. He had been going to IC and realized that he could no longer live like this...

 

Things were very bad in the house and he finally spoke to her about the issues. She is a conflict avoider and would often walk away or shut the door to her room when he would discuss things that she didn't want to...she said he should continue to go to therapy and that she was fine and these were all his issues. He was all set to leave and told me "no more waiting..."*

 

The fighting escalated and then things got much worse...his teenaged daughter took an overdose on tylenol pm on purpose. We were together when he got the call. Thank God she told someone because they were able to get it out of her system in time. Apparantely liver failure sets in 3 days later...

 

She was in the psych ward for 3 days and then released to a day hospital for intense therapy. Was put on Prozac. This obviously changed the time line for his departure. He needed to take care of his daughter and I was in full support of that. He needed to make sure she was stable...

 

He ended up going on a cruise with the wifes family in July. He had told her months prior that he was not going but felt that he had to for his daughter...and for himself as well I am sure... *I backed off and told him to take time to sort things out. Said let's regroup and see where we are after the summer. He called, texted and emailed me even though I had asked for a break. It made be angry but when he got back I caved... I loved him, and he loved me.*

 

Since then he has been moving slowly...at a snails pace. He has had huge financial problems...he told her that he wanted a divorce and she said he owes it to her to go to therapy after she spent 18 years if her life with him. He had asked her for years to go and she alwsys refused. He has agreed to go but has made it clear that his agenda is to end the marriage not to work on saving it. Only to help transition to divorce.

 

The past month or so has been difficult. We are on different time lines and I am in a much different place in my life than he is. We are no longer able to be good to each other. I have been crying and anxious every day...with the holidays fast approaching I thought we would be much further along by this point...I am more sad than happy...all of our conversations are sad and angry. * We are both mentally exhausted. I'm trying to deal with being a single mother and trying to find a job while he is juggling the ending of his marriage, his daughters issues, his son and work. We are unable to be good to each other at this point.*

 

Last night he said that he needs to take a step back and focus on resolving his marriage. We both cried. I was angry but I know its for the best at this point. He cannot give me a timeline only that it will be sooner rather than later. He will call me when he moves out which he expects will be within 3 months. Could be a bit sooner or after. He only promises that it will happen as quickly as possible with steady progress.*

 

They are having their first therapy session tonight. I am scared...I miss him but at this point there is no other way but to allow him the time he needs and to take time to get myself in a better mental state.*

 

Yesterday I cried for 10 hours. Today a lot less. It comes in waves...my therapist says I will feel a bit better in a week and a lot better by thanksgiving. She says that even though I don't cry infront of my kids they can sense when I am depressed.*

 

I am so tired...I am calm right now but I know I will be anxious later tonight when the time that we text rolls around

Thank you for listening. I'd appreciate any advice, opinions or words of wisdom...

[jwi71]

He was torn about what do to because of his children. He is a very involved father, more so than most I know.*

 

I'd like to point out that having children didn't prevent him from having an A. And, unless he is mind numbingly stupid, everyone knows an A is LIKELY to end in D (if not, why then hide it?) So, children are an excuse. Hiding behind his kids I like to say. Sorry, but he is a shyte father because he may be telling them to live honest lives of integrity whilst DOING the opposite. He fails the role model test. Enough of my little rant there.

As his marriage started to decline further because he had pulled away and the fights became worse he just froze.

That's because the time, energy and emotion he should have been putting into his M (and kids) was going to you. And the M suffered as a result.

 

Unable to act.

Slight correction...unable to decide which woman/life. His lack of action is both deliberate and a choice.

 

Things were very bad in the house and he finally spoke to her about the issues. She is a conflict avoider and would often walk away or shut the door to her room when he would discuss things that she didn't want to...she said he should continue to go to therapy and that she was fine and these were all his issues. He was all set to leave and told me "no more waiting...

You know this how?

Because he told you right...just remember that he has so much to gain by LYING (and is, I gather, quite good at it).

 

I am guessing his W doesn't know about the A?

Does she know he is STILL seeing you?

 

The fighting escalated and then things got much worse...his teenaged daughter took an overdose on tylenol pm on purpose. We were together when he got the call. Thank God she told someone because they were able to get it out of her system in time. Apparantely liver failure sets in 3 days later..

Clearly the daughter is in severe distress about something. EVERYTHING takes a backseat to the care of this young teen. I hope she faces her demons/pain/trauma and survives to live a long and healthy life.

 

He ended up going on a cruise with the wifes family in July

Uh...why?

 

. He had told her months prior that he was not going but felt that he had to for his daughter...and for himself as well I am sure

Would you elaborate on why his daughter's mental health REQUIRED a family vacation? This insinuates that her condition is partly caused by her father...or deep distress over the impending family breakup.

 

So...is the A in the open?

Who knows what?

 

Since then he has been moving slowly...at a snails pace. He has had huge financial problems...he told her that he wanted a divorce and she said he owes it to her to go to therapy after she spent 18 years if her life with him.

Bullshyte is all I have to say. And how incredibly cruel of him to string her along, to give her false hope that MC will help when all the while he is just waiting to ambush D her. Whatta guy.

 

He had asked her for years to go and she alwsys refused. He has agreed to go but has made it clear that his agenda is to end the marriage not to work on saving it. Only to help transition to divorce.

Are you kidding me? Did you seriously believe this?

You go to a lawyer to end a M. You go to a MC to save it.

Where is he? Quick, can you name his D lawyer?

 

Before dismissing that outright...think about it.

Last night he said that he needs to take a step back and focus on resolving his marriage.

I thought he was ENDING his M? Why this need to step back now?

Again, how much more convincing does his W need in order to see he loves you, wants you, wants to support and care for your and your children...you know, he just needs to walk, hire a lawyer and move forward.

 

HE CHOOSES NOT TO.

 

We both cried. I was angry but I know its for the best at this point. He cannot give me a timeline only that it will be sooner rather than later. He will call me when he moves out which he expects will be within 3 months. Could be a bit sooner or after. He only promises that it will happen as quickly as possible with steady progress.*

Why can't he do it now? What is different in 3 months?

So...the plan is for him to stay home, be with his family, attend MC (to help end the M), not hire a lawyer, not move out and YOU are to wait for the ever-nebulous "later"?

 

Sounds great for him...not so much for you.

 

MY advice...tell him to contact you when he has

 

1) moved out

2) presents you a FINALIZED D

 

Until then, you take care of you, enjoy the holidays and move forward with your new life as a single mother.

 

Sorry...but his ACTIONS don't match his words.

[4321sn]

I have spent a year and a half with this man so I chose to believe what he says to me. I don't doubt him. I know the things he says are true because I trust him.

 

Just to answer a few questions. The family vacation was booked over a year and a half ago. It was her parents 50th anniversary celebration. He was not going her aunt was taking his place until the whole thing happened with his daughter and she asked him to go.

 

Not saying he is a perfect father...I think of myself as an excellent mother and I had an affair...

 

The wife does not know about the affair...

He has not given he false hope at all. He has told her that he is going with her then with children...he is going to make the transition not to work on anything. This was made clear...

How do I know this? Because he has always been honest with me. He has told me difficult things before. He has no reason to lie to me. He does not have a lawyer... I went to MC when my h discovered the affair. I knew it could not be saved but he asked me to to help him work through things...it helped us to have a mediator in a safe environment to talk about out feelings. After 5 sessions it became obvious to my H and more clear to me that the problems in our marriage did not stem from the affair but were deep seeded past issues. The MC was helpful to both if us to realize that it was truly beyond repair. I dud not see a lawyer until 6 months after the affair was discovered. So maybe not so unusual...my H moved out 1 year after the affair was discovered. So sometimes things do not move quickly but that is okay...

 

He is not waiting 3 months...he is moving forward now. Christmas is coming...I do not doubt him. That was not the purpose of this thread. I do appreciate your input...

[jwi71]

I have spent a year and a half with this man so I chose to believe what he says to me. I don't doubt him. I know the things he says are true because I trust him.

 

Just to answer a few questions. The family vacation was booked over a year and a half ago. It was her parents 50th anniversary celebration. He was not going her aunt was taking his place until the whole thing happened with his daughter and she asked him to go.

 

Not saying he is a perfect father...I think of myself as an excellent mother and I had an affair...

 

The wife does not know about the affair...

He has not given he false hope at all. He has told her that he is going with her then with children...he is going to make the transition not to work on anything. This was made clear...

How do I know this? Because he has always been honest with me. He has told me difficult things before. He has no reason to lie to me. He does not have a lawyer... I went to MC when my h discovered the affair. I knew it could not be saved but he asked me to to help him work through things...it helped us to have a mediator in a safe environment to talk about out feelings. After 5 sessions it became obvious to my H and more clear to me that the problems in our marriage did not stem from the affair but were deep seeded past issues. The MC was helpful to both if us to realize that it was truly beyond repair. I dud not see a lawyer until 6 months after the affair was discovered. So maybe not so unusual...my H moved out 1 year after the affair was discovered. So sometimes things do not move quickly but that is okay...

 

He is not waiting 3 months...he is moving forward now. Christmas is coming...I do not doubt him. That was not the purpose of this thread. I do appreciate your input...

 

You are still a secret

He is in MC.

He went NC with you.

 

I know you WANT this to end with him leaving for you but just based on those three sentences...not happening. Sorry, but he hasn't, based on what I know, DONE anything:

 

Why are you still hidden?

Why doesn't he have a lawyer?

Why hasn't he moved out?

Has he separated finances?

 

All he has done is...well...what?

Other than words and "plans"...what has he actually put in action?

 

I PROMISE...he'll miss the next deadline.

 

Take care of you....its ok to LOVE and THINK.

 

One last Q...what boundary is verboten? What line, if he crosses it, do you say "later and stop waiting"? What is the last straw?

[Star_Bright]

Wow, I'm sorry for your pain, I think you need to focus on yourself and your kids and move on because he has shown you and told you that he is staying married until... sometime in the future. You only get one today. He's not the man for you until he's no longer married. It doesn't sound to me like he's at all ready to get divorced, and he's just giving you some maybe-future time so as not to kill all hope. You have to see this for what it is-him working on his marriage-and move on. I don't see what other choice you have. I wish you strength!

[desertIslandCactus]

SN, First I want to express what a good job JWI has done in analyzing your story and speaking to the instances.

 

Others will come along who have been through exactly what you are going through and offer good advice..

 

I regret your marriage is breaking up as a result, but perhaps you feel it's for the best..

 

You know when I read your story, I saw a woman who has been put in a position as to have her nose pressed against the cold damp night window into the lit home of a married couple's life.

 

Honestly SN, I Know God has a lot more for you than this .. Whether or not the MM comes over to you, you owe it to yourself to make a good substantial life for Yourself.

[fooled once]

 

Yesterday I cried for 10 hours. Today a lot less. It comes in waves...my therapist says I will feel a bit better in a week and a lot better by thanksgiving. She says that even though I don't cry infront of my kids they can sense when I am depressed.*

 

I am so tired...I am calm right now but I know I will be anxious later tonight when the time that we text rolls around

Thank you for listening. I'd appreciate any advice, opinions or words of wisdom...

 

How do you cry all the time AND for 10 hours and your kids don't see it?

 

Do your kids know about the MM?

 

This entire emotional roller coaster IS affecting your kids whether you want to believe it or not. They see mom and dad split up. They probably heard arguments between you and your H and probably know there is someone else in your life (unless we are talking toddlers).

 

They see you upset, they see you depressed. They see how after you get a text or a phone call which then makes you happy or even MORE upset. How are you being a good mom and focusing on your kids when you are all wrapped up in emotions first from a divorce and then from the roller coaster of the affair?

 

Wow, I'm sorry for your pain, I think you need to focus on yourself and your kids and move on because he has shown you and told you that he is staying married until... sometime in the future. You only get one today. He's not the man for you until he's no longer married. It doesn't sound to me like he's at all ready to get divorced, and he's just giving you some maybe-future time so as not to kill all hope. You have to see this for what it is-him working on his marriage-and move on. I don't see what other choice you have. I wish you strength!

 

Yep.

 

No way he is going to leave with the holidays coming. They are going to be together as a family. They are going to be making more memories while you sit and wait and wonder what THEY are doing. You are going to be more and more depressed knowing he is with them, celebrating and being together. I expect more tears and more sadness, which again isn't fair to your kids.

 

Then the new year rolls around and it is Valentines Day. I predict he makes NO movement towards anything like a 'separation' until at least Spring, if then. Especially if one of his kids will be going to high school or graduating from high school. He won't split the family during that (what I mean is it will be another excuse why he can't do anything).

 

I really feel believe if a man wants to be with a woman, he will be. YOU ended your marriage and you can say the affair didn't end your marriage; but I believe you left the marriage with plans of being with the MM; yet he hasn't made any moves.

 

I hope you can put him aside and get on with your life and finding a job - that is top priority. Good luck.

[4321sn]

I know that nothing has changed for me but I think what about his daughter. Could I walk out easily after my daughter tried to kill herself? I'm not sure. We are going NC for both of us not just for him. We are at the point where we can no longer be good to one another. We are just taking a step away. My theapist suggested this as well.

 

I am not going to speak to him until he moves out. He already broke NC this morning by texting I love you. I did not respond, nor will I...

[TheMENemy]

OP,

 

do you really think you are worth half of all of MM's stuff, plus child support, plus (conceivably) spousal support/alimony?

[desertIslandCactus]

I know that nothing has changed for me but I think what about his daughter. Could I walk out easily after my daughter tried to kill herself? I'm not sure. We are going NC for both of us not just for him. We are at the point where we can no longer be good to one another. We are just taking a step away. My theapist suggested this as well.

 

I am not going to speak to him until he moves out. He already broke NC this morning by texting I love you. I did not respond, nor will I...

 

Good SN! Because he will not be happy unless he can have Both You and his Wife/family.

[4321sn]

My kids were at school and then it was their Dads night with them so they did not see me upset.

 

I have been a good mom, despite this. I love him but he is not my world! I have friends and a family. I do not change my mood based on a text or a phone call.

 

So are there no exceptions? Everyone is certain that he will never follow through? Haven't there been cases where the MM left after a year-2 years? Just because it isn't rushed into that means it will not happen?

[desertIslandCactus]

My kids were at school and then it was their Dads night with them so they did not see me upset.

 

I have been a good mom, despite this. I love him but he is not my world! I have friends and a family. I do not change my mood based on a text or a phone call.

 

So are there no exceptions? Everyone is certain that he will never follow through? Haven't there been cases where the MM left after a year-2 years? Just because it isn't rushed into that means it will not happen?

 

I've see exceptions .. and followed by deterioration SN.

 

Believe me, you are better off now.

[LucreziaBorgia]

There is no longer a point in focusing on MM, what he is doing, or why he is doing it. Bottom line: he is staying married and is no longer with you.

 

What now? It is time to slowly move the focus on you, what you want out of life, and where you will go from here. Your life is shattered, and there is no one who can or will pick up the pieces but you now. He is not your future: you are.

 

Start slow - healing is not a quick process. Be forewarned - MM often 'come back' looking to restart the affair. This does not mean he will have anything more to offer than he did before - so if you allow him back in, you will be shattering what is left of the pieces of your life he left you with.

 

Keep writing. Get it out. It helps more than you think.

[4321sn]

I still believe that he is going to leave her but I am not waiting here crying. O will let him sort out his life, let him take care of his business. I am going to move forward with my life and hopefully we will land in the same place.

 

I feel okay today. My friends have been Great. The kids will be away this weekend and my friends will not let me be alone. I have time slots booked with 3 different friends. They won't let me be alone...I have lots of support. I am fortunate in that way.

 

So I will move on and accept the fact that I don't know what is ahead. A friend of a friend has been asking about me. I may try a date with a single man and see how it goes. It feels good just to have a nice break. Will give me some clarity.