ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I already know the general consesus that once a cheater always a cheater, and no second chances allowed, etc. But Im really interested to know if there is anyone who has been able to go back into a relationship with someone that cheated on them, and was able to make it work? My sister dealt with cheating in her marriage, and she let me know that though its been years, every so often she does still feel pangs of anger that he did that. All the same, shes happy they were able to work it out, hes never given her a reason to doubt him and he goes out of his way to show he can be trusted. But they are married, theres that level of commitment which was already there, plus kids, house and all... I do wonder about about the experiences of those who dated, fell apart because of cheating, and we're able to reunite...or even thoughts that it would be possible...?
strength-abounds Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I had a girlfriend cheat on with me a real piece of work. She disappeared and didn't hear from her for about 2 months. I heard about her and her new boytoy from her sister. One day, she comes and knocks on my door. We talked, worked things out and things were great. We even got married 3 years after her infidelity. Fast forward 9 nine years later, she left me again for another piece of work. We are now divorced, thank God. No knock on the door yet, but I'm speculating it will be any day now. Can't wait to tell her to f*** off. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Author ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 My ex didnt disappear on me...though for a long time I really wished he would. The longest we've gone without seeing each other in the past year is one month, and most of that was because he was out of town so much. Other that that, we still saw each other every couple of weeks, and talked or texted each other a few times a week. I dont know, I guess that also makes it so hard, its my fault too because NC didnt ever really last too long...doesnt help either that we do a lot of work together so had had to be in touch at times, and other times hed use it as an excuse to get ahold of me when Id shut him out. Hes told me, and has actually backed it up through things that he has done that he will make it up to me and that he does love me, and my daughter and that this is what he lives for... I do feel like he's being genuine, but also afraid.
mysticmeg1 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 the truth is never simple...i cheated iv been cheated on! even in the best of relationships its hard to understand why this happens..alot of people struggle and over anaylize this in their heads what did i do wrong??... how could i not see this coming??? how long has this been going on?? is it the first time?..AND THE BIG QUESTION will it ever happen again here in my opinion are the 3 basic reasons why people cheat. lack of understanding .lack of security . lack of emotional support and probably an other obvious one would be one or the other feeling unhappy in a relationship but i dont agree with the phrase once a cheater always a cheater..in any case when someone cheats your left in despair knowing weteher or which yo yake them back is one's call to make..before deciding to give a second chance ask him/her do they know why your upset?? ask why they deserve a second chance?? .. will there be changes in the future ..take time apart..depending on the relationship we should know after some time wether a person is in it for the long haul if so a couple should surely be able to work out their differences
Author ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Yeah....all those questions and more. We've talked about it a few times actually and he's gotten upset, insisting that it wasnt anything I did or didnt do and to stop feeling like Im at fault. He says it was his choice, and takes full responsibility for it... That really is the scary part of it for me though, like if he did have issue with me, or how I treated him, or something I did...then at least that is something we could address. But he insists that he acted like a jerk and screwed up. He's told me he appreciates it that we can even talk and still see each other and in his words, he thanks the Lord that after everything, Im still a part of his life. Hes not even at all religious, but it seems that in this past year he's become quite spiritual. Im not religious myself, so I know hes not using that as a way to impress me....as a matter of fact, Im not entirely sure what I think about that. I just didnt think that a year later this would even be an issue, I assumed he had moved on with her and that I would move on too and by now it would be a non-issue, but it hasnt happened that way.
Author ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Here is something that I cant for the life of me decipher... He just now did it to me again and so I hope someone can have some insight... He just got in from out of town, and getting ready to leave again next week. Before he left, he said hed really like to see me when he gets back and before he has to leave town again, I told him absolutely that would be great. We were in touch while he was gone, he got back in yesterday, and today he sent me a message saying hed really like to see me, to please let him know what is good for me. I told him about this thing Im going to Fri night and invited him, but he has to work that night... I let him know that Tues nite was the next time I really have free..no response to that. After my class, I found that my Sun was going to be free afterall, so I sent him a message letting him know and saying if he'll be free Sun we can do something...no response to that. Just now he sent me a message asking me how Im doing and how my day went...no mention of making any plans or anything. I dont get it... I havnt replied, not even sure what to say really. Whenever this happens, I feel like hes playing some game just to see if I still want to see him. But I know him to realize he doesnt really have the frame of mind to think of doing something like that. Ive played around with the idea that hes daft or senile...I just dont get it. Why be so eager to see me, then ignore it when I reply about it?
Author ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Oh and I know that he really is working Fri night...its not a ruse and as far as I know hes not with the other girl anymore or seeing anyone. I actually spoke to his mom earlier this eve and she happened to mention she was going to the event hes working at.... so I dont have any ill feelng that hes busy with someone else. I just dont get why all this time hes eager to see me, then ignores my replies about it to make plans.
deanna89 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 iv been friends with my (kind of) boyfriend for about 8 months and hes been trying to get me to go out with him all that time but i didnt. anyway we started going out and fell in love realy fast. after only a month of being together he cheated on me with his (separated) wife. he was going threw a bad time, he got stopped from seeing his son for no reason, hes lost his job, and is skint, and i wasnt very supportive and was a b**ch with him for nothing. he said he was so drunk and it ment nothing to him and he now knows that, it was just sex and he didnt realy want to do it, he was drunk and it was one of those things. and i can tell he is sorry. hes speading up his divorce and getting a tattoo of her name covered up. but will i ever forgive him and will it get easyer??? hes asked me to get a place with him aswell. am i making a mistake risking things with him???
Author ReturnToSender Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Wow....sounds like he has a lot going on...Id wait until after his divorce was final before starting anything. And even tho he says it was a mistake, he likely still has feelings for her that hed need time to deal with even after the divorce is finalized...
Author ReturnToSender Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) Annoyed. So I replied to his text, that my day went well, and asked how his was and if hes working. He responded saying he wasnt, just about to hang out w his brother and a friend for drinks, and that he wished Id responded sooner cause he would have hung out with me instead, but that he loves me and cant wait to see me. I told him Im up for joining them for drinks...no reply. So a while later I said no worries, we'll hang another time. He came back saying he really wants to see this guy cause hes leaving town tomorrow. Lame since for one this guy is mutual friends and always happy to see me and his brother and I are totally cool with each other too, and it doesnt seem to phase him that we wont see each other before he himself leaves town next week. Senseless for someone who acts so eager to see me. He gave me his sched til he leaves and hes pretty much booked solid *busy busy too busy for RTS but can make time for everyone else as usual* The soonest Ill see him is next weekend at his gig, which doesnt count since me watching him from afar on stage isnt exactly spending time together. I guess hes just screwing with me, and just wanted to see if I would have met up with him to stroke his ego. Its entirely possible to that hes not meeting our friend at all but some girl who happened to respond to my text first and so he made plans with her. Crap I wouldnt even be thinking about if he hadnt cheated on me...of course. I didnt let on that Im upset, just told him alright, guess Ill see you next weekend at your gig, have a good nite, and he responded that its not like that, he really wants to see me before he leaves town next week. But he and I both know thats not going to happen, hes *busy busy* I told him no worries, have a good time, gnite and that was the end of that. Maybe this whole reconciliation thing is a crap idea afterall. Probably all in my head anyway....I have my doubts and feel like hes just trying to get me back in his backburner so he can start stringing me along again. Annoyed. with myself. Edited November 5, 2010 by ReturnToSender
Nemicron Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I know its not easy. But I agree once a cheater always a cheater. And some people can never get over what the other person has done. I can't I'm reminded of what my ex did everyday. I guess its how you handle it is the key. I'm personally not good on this subject due to being bitter about my ex.
Author ReturnToSender Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Ive tried really hard not to be bitter, or let any of my ex's make me that way, but its getting harder and harder. I sent him a note saying I wish he hadnt said anything, cause it sucks whether his friends dont want me around [which I know is unlikely cause Im cool with all of them] or he asked another girl out since I didnt reply fast enough [which I think is the real reason]. And I said maybe its better we continue keeping our social lives seperate and not try to see more of each other afterall..that things have been great between us as its been and we can just keep it that way. Then told him to have fun and be safe. Ill see him at his gig next wknd since Im close friends with someone else in the band and my friends and fam will all be there, but I dont have any desire or see the point in contacting him otherwise or taking things on a persona level..hes not trying to so I think I was just fooling myself that something more was happening between us.
Nemicron Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Depending on ho things playied out sometimes a person will back off if they think they are gonna get hurt. I think you should talk it out with him and this way you will know where you both stand with each other and can move on to where ever from there. Lets stress on everyone.
listen_to_me_please Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) i don't know what to tell you but, hell i don't even know if i was even together with my ex, she left me so messed up mentaility, but to make a long story short. i was together with a female, she cheated on her then boyfriend with me. we were together for about 1.5 years. turns out the last 6 months she was having contious sex with another, prior to that, i believe they were doing sexual acts together. when it all came to light, she started to cry and say "i wanted to tell you for so long", i just threw her out. after that, its like we were fighting for power and control. its almost like she wanted me to accept what she had done and tried to pretend like it wasn't a big deal and then wouldn't even discuss the situation. its almost as if she was in love or something, i don't know. haven't heard from her in 3 years but its not about me, its about you and if your mate is cheating on you, and it bothers you, its best to just forget about them and find someone new, easier said than done, espicially if your still in love because the chemicals in your brain (your heart) is going to tell you to stay even though its wrong for you. Edited November 5, 2010 by listen_to_me_please
Author ReturnToSender Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Depending on ho things playied out sometimes a person will back off if they think they are gonna get hurt. I think you should talk it out with him and this way you will know where you both stand with each other and can move on to where ever from there. Lets stress on everyone. Ive never hurt him tho, hes the one who hurt me... If he wanted to show me that he means it when he says all that jazz about loving me and how eager he is to see me and if he wanted to try to rebuild trust or reconnect, he wouldntve blown me off and been so shady. That does suck ListenToMe, on an emotional level that has to be hard.. Not directed at you, but soley my situation in relation, the girl my ex left me for is in a bad way apparently since their breakup. But its hard to feel bad for her, as in this case, not only did she start seeing him knowing he was with me, through their whole relationship (over a year, some of that overlapping with the time he was still with me) he always made a point to keep me a part of his life somehow...which is why I was really sitting here thikning maybe he realized that he does want to be with me, and he is being genuine. But after last night, doesnt feel like it. Actually, I wouldnt be surprised if she was the one he was out with last night.
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