hateslife1 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 so my ex and i were together for 3 years. she is 21, a senior in college, i am 23, recently graduated. i changed during that time, i was afraid of the real world, and became a shut in. i distanced myself. well, we had a talk about breaking it off because we were distant, but we worked it out, and things were fine all summer. for her. i graduated, had no job or school offers, had no friends nearby me and i was in a depression. i must have weighed heavily on her with my problems, and she finally had enough. she eventually broke it off. she also wanted to find herself, reevaluate life. she will be going to CA in may or june. she also said she knows shes not 100% in this relationship anymore, and doesnt know why. perhaps we should see other people. multiple friends have confirmed she is not with anyone right now and has even told them she isnt ready for a relaitonship yet. now after 2 months of no contact, she contacts me.. heard i got an internship far away, and she doesnt want to end things with me the way we did. she wants to be friends. obviously im not okay with that. so i made a mistake i talked to her to find out why she broke up with me... but i have not yet agreed to be friends yet. i dont want to be stuck in the friend zone. so i have a couple questions... 1. should i be friends with her? 2. since she broke up with and then contacted me does she have feelings that could lead to "us" again? 3. i've already spoken to her, i probably should have been busy but, i want her to want me again will no contact help? 4. would it be better to win her back by making myself better? or casually date other people? Thanks
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 1. should i be friends with her? You've already said, you don't want to be in the friends zone so no. Don't be friends with her if you are not ready to just be friends. You will expect and want something to happen which will probably lead to disappointment. 2. since she broke up with and then contacted me does she have feelings that could lead to "us" again? Maybe, maybe not. I tried to befriend my ex a couple of months after breaking up with him with absolutely no intentions of getting back together. 3. i've already spoken to her, i probably should have been busy but, i want her to want me again will no contact help? 4. would it be better to win her back by making myself better? or casually date other people? For 3 and 4, I don't think it's wise to focus on 'winning her back.' She broke up with you, wants to be friends... as far as I see it, ball is in her court if she wants to make a move showing romantic interest. Casually date other people because you want to, not to make her jealous. Who knows, you might meet someone great in the process. Or, you might rekindle your relationship with your ex (but don't make this your priority - it's a recipe for heartbreak)
iamawesome Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 This situation is a little different for everyone. I'm really good friend with all my ex's; however, there are some critical things you need to ask yourself that should help you determine your course of action: 1. should i be friends with her? This is entirely up to you. If you still have feelings for her beyond friendship, I would say no because you would just get your hopes up and probably get hurt again. If you are strong and feel indifferent then you can play it out as friends. If you think you "may" develop feelings for her again, then you are not ready. 2. since she broke up with and then contacted me does she have feelings that could lead to "us" again? You guys are unlikely to jump into a relationship again without going through friendship first. All the normal risks of friendship will still be there, aka getting "friend-zoned". She most likely is just taking inventory to still see if your still interested. So more than likely your answer is "No". Also, don't think of getting back with her AT ALL, its the wrong mentality. 3. i've already spoken to her, i probably should have been busy but, i want her to want me again will no contact help? Yes and no. At this point she broke NC and she shows a desire to have you in her life in some shape/form. Whether that may be using you as a backup, stringing you along, just friends or a relationship. It sounds like your goal is to get back together with her, I would advise you to say on NC. 4. would it be better to win her back by making myself better? or casually date other people? Don't try to win her back. You need to acknowledge that you can't win the same person back, this is a new person, new game, new story, new time. You should treat her like its a girl you're meeting for the first time. You can't have feelings for a girl your meeting for the first time, so if you have feelings for her, stay NC. The only way for you to win her "back" is if you are strong enough to put in effort without hurting yourself, just like a single guy can. It sounds like you are not ready my friend. Maybe provide her with insignificant replies to keep her interest in you up, but I would say very very limited contact with her until you are ready.
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