Hold fast Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 My MM moved out of his home one month ago and I'vve been really supprtive,even though it's been hard,as I am also going through the end of a relationship. He has given me no support and he knows this and gets upset that he can't meet my needs even though they are kept to a minimum. Anyway,I'v ebeen asking him this week if he'd like too do something at the weekend and getting no decent response. So I finally said since I was causing him so much stress he could stop seeing me if he liked. Since his life is full of stress and getting rid of me seems the easiest bit of stress to deal with instantly. I was surprised that I said it as I haven't been. Putting any pressure on him aor been demanding and stopping seeing him would break my heart,my gut instinct is to stick with him thrugh thS. i am poastin as i would appreciate loveshackers helping me to intrept what he said to that. He said it made no sense to himthat i'd say that,that he wants us to carry on and see what happens,that he is sorry he cant plan ahead but he really feels like he hasnt left hoome as he still goes there twice a day and he thought moving out would empty his head and it hasn't and he feels like he is rummmimg on two tracks. He said he will try to verbalsie things more for me as Oi said i could understand all that but if he said nothing I will assume the problem is me. I'm just not sure he does want to see me raher he wants to keep his options open. What do I do now? How do I behave,it's hard work understanding these men. I want to stick it out,how do I do that? Sorry for typos,I am using my phone and the screen is tiny.
Star_Bright Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Unfortunately I think it means he wants you to stick it out with him and see what happens even though he can't make you any promises or give you what you need. Hon if you want to do just that, then do it, but I don't see that there's any other option because it's pretty clear he's telling you it is what it is. He doesn't know where he's at or what's going to happen but he wants you to stick around in case he decides to choose you. You *are* just an option at this point. Are you okay with that? I can see how you want this to work so you're willing to see what happens. But in the meantime you are going to feel over and over that your needs aren't being met... because they're not. He's told you he can't meet them right now, so you have to decide whether that's a situation you can accept or not. It *is* hard to understand them. Because they're so confused themselves. I feel for you and I hope things work out for you no matter what you decide to do. Good luck.
jwi71 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 He has given me no support and he knows this and gets upset that he can't meet my needs even though they are kept to a minimum I don't understand this. What is preventing him from supporting you? (answer below) And why are you minimizing YOUR needs? And isn't that yet another red flag - that even with "minimal needs" he fails? Is this the same guy that dumped you on the way to work? . Anyway, No, no, no. STOP diminishing yourself to fit the situation. You have needs and he "can't" (more like won't) meet them. When do YOU become important? Do you honestly believe that continually "sweeping your needs under the rug to suit HIM" is healthy for YOU? Does that sound like a healthy, nourishing and uplifting R? I'v ebeen asking him this week if he'd like too do something at the weekend and getting no decent response. So I finally said since I was causing him so much stress he could stop seeing me if he liked. Since his life is full of stress a Yikes. So he doesn't respond quick enough and you jump straight to "let's break up"? Sorry, but that is not a normal or healthy response to conflict (or lack of an answer) in an R. Seriously...he doesn't commit soon enough or fast enough and you are ready to walk? Lucky it wasn't me as I would have told you to take a hike. He said it made no sense to himthat i'd say that,that he wants us to carry on and see what happens,that he is sorry he cant plan ahead but he really feels like he hasnt left hoome as he still goes there twice a day and he thought moving out would empty his head and it hasn't and he feels like he is rummmimg on two tracks There's your answer. He isn't sure that he wants to leave. Its that simple. So until he decides, he will string you along. And by standing by his side you enable it. Know why he can't plan...he isn't sure which is better for HIM. And, I'll take it one step further - and I must admit there is more conjecture with this than I like (not that its stopping me). One might be able to say you aren't stressing him because he doesn't care about you. After all, if he has no feelings for YOU (as a person) then you CAN'T affect him. Perhaps you are more "escape" and less "GF". That is, he likes the escape you provide him and necessarily you. Remember the above where I said the answer was below. Its here. A man in love bends over backwards to support and uplift the woman he loves. NOTHING gets in the way. So, when he says I can't help you...he really means I don't care enough about you to support you. His ACTIONS say I don;t care or love you - because no man in love TREATS his love like this. I'm just not sure he does want to see me raher he wants to keep his options open This. Sorry, but when a man truly loves a woman...she ISN'T an option, she's a NECESSITY. And you are a non-stress inducing option. HIS words. . What do I do now? Your life, you choose. Stay or stick it out...its up to you. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate his crap (or yours) for a heartbeat. From what you have posted, he doesn't love you. Well, he sure doesn't act like it anyways. How do I behave,it's hard work understanding these men. No it isn't. Ignore his words and watch what he does. Words are easily lies...actions less so. I want to stick it out,how do I do that? Keep minimizing your needs, keep quiet, support him, be at his beck and call, tolerate his mood swings, lies, and inconsistencies, accept that he still spends his time with his "stbxw", accept his indecision, accept his "lack of filing for D", accept being hidden (are you?) and so on. Basically, accept second best. You know - this R sounds more like an A to me.
4321sn Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I would not call it "getting rid of me" Maybe suggest a breather for a month. It will give him time to adjust to his new situation...if you are both going to be upset or feel that he is unable to give you what you need, take a step back.
pureinheart Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 My MM moved out of his home one month ago and I'vve been really supprtive,even though it's been hard,as I am also going through the end of a relationship. He has given me no support and he knows this and gets upset that he can't meet my needs even though they are kept to a minimum. Anyway,I'v ebeen asking him this week if he'd like too do something at the weekend and getting no decent response. So I finally said since I was causing him so much stress he could stop seeing me if he liked. Since his life is full of stress and getting rid of me seems the easiest bit of stress to deal with instantly. I was surprised that I said it as I haven't been. Putting any pressure on him aor been demanding and stopping seeing him would break my heart,my gut instinct is to stick with him thrugh thS. i am poastin as i would appreciate loveshackers helping me to intrept what he said to that. He said it made no sense to himthat i'd say that,that he wants us to carry on and see what happens,that he is sorry he cant plan ahead but he really feels like he hasnt left hoome as he still goes there twice a day and he thought moving out would empty his head and it hasn't and he feels like he is rummmimg on two tracks. He said he will try to verbalsie things more for me as Oi said i could understand all that but if he said nothing I will assume the problem is me. I'm just not sure he does want to see me raher he wants to keep his options open. What do I do now? How do I behave,it's hard work understanding these men. I want to stick it out,how do I do that? Sorry for typos,I am using my phone and the screen is tiny. This could be answered on an extremely negative note...he only wants you around for one thing, blah, blah, blah...or you need to drop everything and be at his beck and call (which I doubt anyone would suggest, am just making a point) ...I would find some place in the middle and give him some room right now and not take too much to heart...*EASIER SAID THAN DONE* My advice would be to become unavailable. If he responds to this and starts chasing you and you guys go back and forth like this, then it is a game and I would bail, meaning you become unavailable, he responds, you then respond, then he becomes didstant...this is then a game and a cycle.
pureinheart Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I don't understand this. What is preventing him from supporting you? (answer below) And why are you minimizing YOUR needs? And isn't that yet another red flag - that even with "minimal needs" he fails? Is this the same guy that dumped you on the way to work? No, no, no. STOP diminishing yourself to fit the situation. You have needs and he "can't" (more like won't) meet them. When do YOU become important? Do you honestly believe that continually "sweeping your needs under the rug to suit HIM" is healthy for YOU? Does that sound like a healthy, nourishing and uplifting R? Yikes. So he doesn't respond quick enough and you jump straight to "let's break up"? Sorry, but that is not a normal or healthy response to conflict (or lack of an answer) in an R. Seriously...he doesn't commit soon enough or fast enough and you are ready to walk? Lucky it wasn't me as I would have told you to take a hike. There's your answer. He isn't sure that he wants to leave. Its that simple. So until he decides, he will string you along. And by standing by his side you enable it. Know why he can't plan...he isn't sure which is better for HIM. And, I'll take it one step further - and I must admit there is more conjecture with this than I like (not that its stopping me). One might be able to say you aren't stressing him because he doesn't care about you. After all, if he has no feelings for YOU (as a person) then you CAN'T affect him. Perhaps you are more "escape" and less "GF". That is, he likes the escape you provide him and necessarily you. Remember the above where I said the answer was below. Its here. A man in love bends over backwards to support and uplift the woman he loves. NOTHING gets in the way. So, when he says I can't help you...he really means I don't care enough about you to support you. His ACTIONS say I don;t care or love you - because no man in love TREATS his love like this. This. Sorry, but when a man truly loves a woman...she ISN'T an option, she's a NECESSITY. And you are a non-stress inducing option. HIS words. Your life, you choose. Stay or stick it out...its up to you. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate his crap (or yours) for a heartbeat. From what you have posted, he doesn't love you. Well, he sure doesn't act like it anyways. No it isn't. Ignore his words and watch what he does. Words are easily lies...actions less so. Keep minimizing your needs, keep quiet, support him, be at his beck and call, tolerate his mood swings, lies, and inconsistencies, accept that he still spends his time with his "stbxw", accept his indecision, accept his "lack of filing for D", accept being hidden (are you?) and so on. Basically, accept second best. You know - this R sounds more like an A to me. JW, I respect your opinion greatly, we may not always see eye to eye, although you have one of the best hearts I've ever seen:)...this is a very good reply BTW.
siuys Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Sounds like my scenario. He is probably undecided, confused, wants to be with you, but not sure either. Going away for a weekend is probably the last thing on his mind if he has so many issues to deal with. If he is blowing hot and cold, it could mean that he is unsure one minute, sure the next. That's my experience anyway. Being with an MM you will probably never get the security and the level of certainty and consistency that you want. It WILL be a roller coaster ride. Either you take it day by day and be prepared to go through the emotional turmoil, or not. Because right now, it's too early to say how things will go.
fooled once Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I don't understand this. What is preventing him from supporting you? (answer below) And why are you minimizing YOUR needs? And isn't that yet another red flag - that even with "minimal needs" he fails? Is this the same guy that dumped you on the way to work? No, no, no. STOP diminishing yourself to fit the situation. You have needs and he "can't" (more like won't) meet them. When do YOU become important? Do you honestly believe that continually "sweeping your needs under the rug to suit HIM" is healthy for YOU? Does that sound like a healthy, nourishing and uplifting R? Yikes. So he doesn't respond quick enough and you jump straight to "let's break up"? Sorry, but that is not a normal or healthy response to conflict (or lack of an answer) in an R. Seriously...he doesn't commit soon enough or fast enough and you are ready to walk? Lucky it wasn't me as I would have told you to take a hike. There's your answer. He isn't sure that he wants to leave. Its that simple. So until he decides, he will string you along. And by standing by his side you enable it. Know why he can't plan...he isn't sure which is better for HIM. And, I'll take it one step further - and I must admit there is more conjecture with this than I like (not that its stopping me). One might be able to say you aren't stressing him because he doesn't care about you. After all, if he has no feelings for YOU (as a person) then you CAN'T affect him. Perhaps you are more "escape" and less "GF". That is, he likes the escape you provide him and necessarily you. Remember the above where I said the answer was below. Its here. A man in love bends over backwards to support and uplift the woman he loves. NOTHING gets in the way. So, when he says I can't help you...he really means I don't care enough about you to support you. His ACTIONS say I don;t care or love you - because no man in love TREATS his love like this. This. Sorry, but when a man truly loves a woman...she ISN'T an option, she's a NECESSITY. And you are a non-stress inducing option. HIS words. Your life, you choose. Stay or stick it out...its up to you. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate his crap (or yours) for a heartbeat. From what you have posted, he doesn't love you. Well, he sure doesn't act like it anyways. No it isn't. Ignore his words and watch what he does. Words are easily lies...actions less so. Keep minimizing your needs, keep quiet, support him, be at his beck and call, tolerate his mood swings, lies, and inconsistencies, accept that he still spends his time with his "stbxw", accept his indecision, accept his "lack of filing for D", accept being hidden (are you?) and so on. Basically, accept second best. You know - this R sounds more like an A to me. great post jwl. OP - really really read the above from jwl. STOP belittling yourself and YOUR needs They are just as important as his.
Author Hold fast Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 It seems impatient and unloving of me to turn away from him now,he's only been a month out of the home and it's against what he believes,so he's struggling. He is in counselling though. He doesn't deny I have needs,he just can't meet many of them right now. If I walk away now I think I would be showing a lack of faith in him and us.
Star_Bright Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 It seems impatient and unloving of me to turn away from him now,he's only been a month out of the home and it's against what he believes,so he's struggling. He is in counselling though. He doesn't deny I have needs,he just can't meet many of them right now. If I walk away now I think I would be showing a lack of faith in him and us. So, stay with him. If you want to stay after knowing that he isn't meeting your needs and it's not the kind of relationship you really want to be in, then, stay. I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for? I hope it all turns out how you want. Good luck.
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