Too Much Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes. As to gifts, what about Christmas? Does the 180 apply during the holidays?
You Go Girl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I see. Just wanted to clarify we cannot say it WILL drive the OS crazy. In OP's case, it just might. She initiates contact. Gotta cut her off at the knees. I think that's key. The 180 won't work if the situation is more complicated than a WS, and there were other issues that were severe enough. I think it depends partially on how much neglect there was from the non-WS. But I agree with hopesndreams, if the WS is initiating contact, especially about stupid stuff, then the 180 will work best in those cases.
lisakoen Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 thanks hopesndreams, the 180 sounds good but also familiar. I just had to laugh when going through it....why? because I think my soon-to-be-*******-of-a-husband is uing the 180 rules on me, lol. He is flippen doing all these things to me. He"s the one screwing around, treating me like **** but his playing the dam victim. I think he got the shock of his life when I told him I want a divorce and actually sess this time i'm for real. I'l try the 180 on him, maybe it will kinda be familiar to him to, I think it will be more successful on him as he's not se to me ignoring him and not asking him questions....hmmmmm, will implement it tnight hen I get home. Wish me goodluck all.....hopefully it works......
Steadfast Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 My advice to all starting out on this rollarcoaster is to seek IC, it will help you more than you can imagine to understand that you don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone, let alone someone who promised to love you for the rest of their life. A popular catch phrase is "It can always get worse" and I believe that. I also believe that the '180' is the very best way of preventing that. Look at it this way; the 180 demonstrates to the walkway/leaving spouse (with actions, not words) your utter and complete rejection of their actions. Not the reality (which is not healthy to mentally dismiss) but the wrongness. And it is wrong; as willow stated above. It's going back on a promise...a whole bunch of them. Divorce is the final way of saying; "I'm done with this." The healthy, looking for the happiness you deserve approach is to mentally and emotionally throw all the crap they've created away. Knowing all the while that you're not without blame, but don't deserve it. Book author Michelle Langley suggests dealing with the walk-away like this; calmly and rationally discuss what needs to be done between you, but avoid all talk about the relationship. The topic is off limits. This saves you frustration, confusion, and the pain of being lied to. The results of the approach start coming in quickly, as the games are dismissed and reality is injected into the situation. In the meantime eat, rest, and exercise. Take care of your body and your heart and show love to yourself. Be well!
USCGAviator Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Hang in there man. I was there a year ago and life is good these days. Biggest thing for me was to talk about it. I talked to a counselor once but all he did was nod and listen. I needed to talk to people that had been through what I went through and understood. The other thing that helped is the arms of another woman. So talking about it, time, and the arms of a good woman will help.....I can assure you there is a life after divorce.
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