How do you get over...

[bassplayertn]

So It has only been three months that we have been going through this divorce. We have several more to go because of property and so on. We have to talk and be civil and so on..... I keep reading on 180 and healing yourself and how you are supposed to take your focus of of her and allow her to do whatever she is going to do and focus on yourself. She doesn't really call me if I don't call her anyway. But last night, we had to talk about some work on the house that needs to get finished so we can sell it and she was just mad at me, for no reason. I told her that I hope she sees things in a more positive light one day and that I am going to continue to try and be happy. That just pissed her off more. It is a no win situation.

 

My frustration over the last few days has been about not hoping for change... How do you start to get over this other person? I know I have some insane scars forming from what she has done to me, and I am trying to take care of myself (hence why I am reaching out on here). I guess I am looking for advice from others who have been cheated on and thrown out of the others life. How do you get over that? What steps can I take to just be okay with myself and so on.....? How long is this going to take until I am rocking the world again? Should I put a number on the length I allow myself to grieve? Or should I just rip this bandage and start trying to be stronger....? Ugh.... Frustration on High!!!

 

 

 

Continuing to look for answers

[HopelessinDTW]

I am in the same situation, but 5 months in. Has it gotton better? Not really? Am I better able to deal with it...yes. Will I ever get over it completely? Probably not. Will I get to a point where it will not bother me as much, and just becomes something that happened in my past? YES...and I can see that happening eventually. Right now, as things stand...we are both in a limbo. Our lives have been turned upside-down, and it's a bid readjustment. It going to take time...how long depends on you as a person...no one can tell you how long. Like you said, we both have some pretty bad scars...they are not going to heal right away...and maybe not heal all the way. We'll still bear some of these scars even many years from now.

 

My only advice is to do the 180. The more you ignore her, and keep minimal contact...the less you will care. You also need to keep yourself busy...and I can tell you this is tough to do sometimes. Because even when you do find a distraction, your mind still wanders. Time is the only thing that will help. How long were you married? Any kids?

[iheartboobs]

It sounds like the 180 is not only healing you but driving your wife crazy.

 

Bonus!

 

I don't know about you, but when I did the 180, the way I improved myself was the reward... but the fact that it pissed my wife off to no end to see that I was not only surviving without her, but actually thriving... man, that was icing on the cake.

 

So if she doesn't like the fact that you're not laying down to die without her, then that's just too ****ing bad, ain't it?

 

As far as getting over her, that's a little tougher. If you're anything like me, eventually you'll realize she's not worth your love, time, or pain and one day it's just better. I'm not saying you'll wake up one day completely healed and never think about this girl again... but there does come a day when you wake up with something like an epiphany and the pain is nothing like as bad as the day before.

[nikayla]

I am not married, but I was in a relationship for 4 years and broke down after being dumped. After 9 months, I decided to start my day fresh. I got dressed up, went a beauty salon, then treated myself to lunch and a movie. I went on a road trip to Philadelphia the next day. I was stunned by how and nice and friendly the men were...who would have ever thought?! I later joined a dating site just for kicks. This will not happen overnight, but try doing little things for yourself outside of your comfort zone...and remember, it will pass.

[bassplayertn]

We do not have any children. We have been together a little over 5 years. I think my struggle with the 180 thing is that it just seems I can't get a good start on it. I know I am fighting someone elses free will and there is nothing I can do about it. But I want to talk to her and I want to work on things. But I am alone in that and after giving your all to someone for this time period and having everything (hopes, dream, ideas, etc...) wrapped up in them, it just seems almost impossible to get a start on cutting myself off from her.

 

She called me a bit ago to just chat about nothing. I just did the whole "act natural" thing and told her I was fine. She said she would call me later in the day and i just said, "If you want..." I feel like a jerk.....

 

On a side note, I am actually starting to get pretty pissed off that I feel insecure. It is really bugging me to think i have a reason to feel insecure or not good enough. Really bugging me. I am not that man. But right now..... I am struggling to just be motivated to smile.....

[hopesndreams]

Since there are no kids involved, NC her. It's the only way to heal, properly. With NC, you will be dealing with your past hurts and having no more future hurts from her. On the plus side, it will drive her crazy. She'll wonder about you and feel sad coz you won't be stroking her ego anymore.

 

She wants to chat about nothing???? She has the OM for that. Do not be her emotional support! Sounds as though she is weaning herself off you and once that is done, you won't hear from her anymore. Take control away from her. It will go a long way in regaining your self-esteem.

[KikiW]

Do you have close friends and family you could turn to for support, even if it's just to get you out and doing something (bowling, movies, a drink at the local watering hole, anything??)? While I wouldn't use them as your sounding board, just saying "hey I am having a hard time right now and could really use something fun to distract me..." might open up some opportunities for you. Social function invitations should be accepted, even if you feel like dirt - take a shower, trim up, put on fresh clean clothes and slap a smile on your face. You don't even have to stay long, just make an appearance, chit chat and head out.

 

Before long, you will be surprised at how much easier it is not to think about her. You will be thinking of your friend's BBQ, or neighbor's birthday party, or the plans to hang with the guys and watch the game.

 

Good luck.

[Too Much]

Since there are no kids involved, NC her. It's the only way to heal, properly. With NC, you will be dealing with your past hurts and having no more future hurts from her. On the plus side, it will drive her crazy. She'll wonder about you and feel sad coz you won't be stroking her ego anymore.

 

She wants to chat about nothing???? She has the OM for that. Do not be her emotional support! Sounds as though she is weaning herself off you and once that is done, you won't hear from her anymore. Take control away from her. It will go a long way in regaining your self-esteem.

 

How do we know this is true? Maybe NC doesn't drive them crazy if they really have no more feelings for you. I understand NC is supposed to be a remedy for you to get over her, but I repeatedly read that it will drive the WS crazy, which may not be true.

[bassplayertn]

Do you have close friends and family you could turn to for support, even if it's just to get you out and doing something (bowling, movies, a drink at the local watering hole, anything??)? While I wouldn't use them as your sounding board, just saying "hey I am having a hard time right now and could really use something fun to distract me..." might open up some opportunities for you. Social function invitations should be accepted, even if you feel like dirt - take a shower, trim up, put on fresh clean clothes and slap a smile on your face. You don't even have to stay long, just make an appearance, chit chat and head out.

 

Before long, you will be surprised at how much easier it is not to think about her. You will be thinking of your friend's BBQ, or neighbor's birthday party, or the plans to hang with the guys and watch the game.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I think that is harder to do with the life i already live. I travel non-stop. I am in a band. We are doing Really good. I have been touring the world for 15 years or so. So I have 25 guys out here that I live on Tour Busses with and play shows almost everyday. I can't turn to any of our mutual friends and seeing as i am gone anyway, I don't really want to. The guys out here are checking up on me and so on. They are good people. I am just overwhelmed with semi-depression and just a FUNK.

 

It wasn't as bad when I thought we were getting divorced because of it "just not working out" as she put it. I spent a few months getting to a point of dealing with it. Not accepting. Dealing. When I found out about the affair and all of the lies and manipulation over the last several months, It just seems like I am starting over. Like all the work I did to stand strong has been slammed back in my face.

 

I am scared that I will turn into one of those people that is overcome by this situation. Obviously not something I ever thought would happen.

 

In my work, I see thousands of people every day and they scream and have a good time and so on..... Normally, that would make me feel good. But now I just question what they are really thinking. Don't get me wrong, I still do my job and jump up and down and so on..... It's still my job and I absolutely love what I do...... But I feel like a fool. I feel like no one around me really gets what I am going through......

 

Even though one or two of the guys have gone through divorce and offered up advice, I still don't feel like anyone is in the same field I am in right now....

 

Soemtimes I just want a hug and sometimes I just want to punch someone....

 

Just being honest....

[GorillaTheater]

But I want to talk to her and I want to work on things. But I am alone in that

 

That's why, whether you go NC or not, you absolutely have to knock off trying to talk about the relationship. Until she's ready to talk about it, and brings the subject up herself, trying to talk about the relationship is just going to drive her farther away.

 

If you can't or won't go NC, just be cool and calm with her. If it pisses her off, it's her problem, not yours. And for the time being at least you've been fired from the position of helping her with her problems.

[lisakoen]

well said!

[GorillaTheater]

When I found out about the affair and all of the lies and manipulation over the last several months ...

 

Crap, sorry man. Is the other guy married? If so, have you told his wife what's going on?

[bassplayertn]

Crap, sorry man. Is the other guy married? If so, have you told his wife what's going on?

 

2 things Gorilla...... First, I really like your line of me being fired from the position of helping her. It made me laugh and I am going to use that internally today.

 

Yes, this guy is married, however, they are going through a divorce already. He is also seeing another woman as well. I revealed all of this to my wife and she actually had the balls to defend him. I was angry about that and in turn told her to never speak his name and defend him and so on..... Normal reaction....

 

I don't know him, his wife or his circle. He works with my wife, which is how it all started. Jerkface obviously took advantage of my wife having a rough month and decided to step in. Yes, I would like to tell everyone, but if i do, i will end up losing even more. With a "no-fault" state, I will get more if we just do a dissolution at this point. If I blow up and tell her whole family and work, what good does that do me? None I think

 

I am considering though, once it is all said and done and we are divorced (if she tales it that far, which I am pretty sure she will) that afterwards I will email her parents and her work just for my own personal satisfaction. but that probably won't do any good either........

 

If I expose her to the world she is in, it will only harm me and push her further away........ Completely screwed up!!!!

[hopesndreams]

How do we know this is true? Maybe NC doesn't drive them crazy if they really have no more feelings for you. I understand NC is supposed to be a remedy for you to get over her, but I repeatedly read that it will drive the WS crazy, which may not be true.

 

Whether it drives them crazy or not, once NC is implemented it should no longer be any of your concern. That is the ultimate goal! It gives them a taste of what life will be like without you. You won't have to hear about how wonderful their life is and/or hear about how down they are because they are finding out the grass isn't greener.

 

As long as the dumper has contact, however and whenever they want it, the dumpee is still just being used and lied to. Giving them false hope--stringing them along---all because their selfishness rules them, by just wanting pieces of you and not the whole package anymore. It's a kick in the guts, over and over. That is no way to live your life!

 

When/if the dumper literally bangs on the door, begging forgiveness and shows true remorse, can NC then be broken. But, by then, you would have moved on by giving yourself enough time and space to realize they are not worthy of your love and respect.

 

It all comes down to how much you value yourself.

[GorillaTheater]

I get what you're saying about exposure. In this case it sounds like it's a moot point. Since they're getting a divorce, telling his wife wouldn't accomplish much. But if this was a case where the wife is in the dark, my rule is to fill them in, since why should she be the only one who doesn't know what's going on? Let her make some choices and introduce some pain into his world.

 

My general advice is to take care of yourself, mentally, emotionally and physically. Eat, sleep and work out. Get help when you need it, and don't isolate yourself. Get out there and have a life.

 

This will get easier. You're on a rollercoaster now, but things will level out with time. Whatever happens, just keep telling yourself "I can handle it". You can.

[Too Much]

Whether it drives them crazy or not, once NC is implemented it should no longer be any of your concern. That is the ultimate goal! It gives them a taste of what life will be like without you. You won't have to hear about how wonderful their life is and/or hear about how down they are because they are finding out the grass isn't greener.

 

As long as the dumper has contact, however and whenever they want it, the dumpee is still just being used and lied to. Giving them false hope--stringing them along---all because their selfishness rules them, by just wanting pieces of you and not the whole package anymore. It's a kick in the guts, over and over. That is no way to live your life!

 

When/if the dumper literally bangs on the door, begging forgiveness and shows true remorse, can NC then be broken. But, by then, you would have moved on by giving yourself enough time and space to realize they are not worthy of your love and respect.

 

It all comes down to how much you value yourself.

 

I see. Just wanted to clarify we cannot say it WILL drive the OS crazy.

[hopesndreams]

I see. Just wanted to clarify we cannot say it WILL drive the OS crazy.

 

In OP's case, it just might. She initiates contact. Gotta cut her off at the knees.

[bassplayertn]

Yeah, but I have to be in contact with her. NC isn't an option. We have to work out the details now...... How do you just go cold? Even the 180 says not to be cold..... We are supposed to talk tonight. I don't know what it will all be about, but should I just not answer? I can't do that..... I have a house to sell..... But we talk about anything, it hurts. Even if I am not showing it to her, the pain is full on there.....

[bassplayertn]

and also, there is a part of me that wants to push her to do the papers and take her off the cell phones and all of that. Part of me thinks that the sooner she gets on with it at this point the sooner I can get on with healing....... From what I can tell from everyone's advice, I should be letting her go......

 

but i do want her to stay...... Obviously a whirl-wind of emotions going on.....

[GorillaTheater]

Go ahead and talk to her, because you have the business with the house to take care of. Be "business nice", if you know what I mean, but stick to business. Also probably a good time to bring up the cell phones. After all, you're just taking care of business.

 

And the second she direspects you, tell her you through with taking that, that you'll get back with her later, and hang up.

[lisakoen]

okay, so everyone is talking bout this 180 thing and no one is explaining where to find it or how. i'm really interested as i'm seperated but living in the same house as my so called husband. can anyone pls take me through it step by step on how to find the inormation for the 180 idea thing. please and thanks in advance....

[hopesndreams]

okay, so everyone is talking bout this 180 thing and no one is explaining where to find it or how. i'm really interested as i'm seperated but living in the same house as my so called husband. can anyone pls take me through it step by step on how to find the inormation for the 180 idea thing. please and thanks in advance....

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[bassplayertn]

Easier said than done.................... Battle of wills

[willowthewisp]

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

35. Do not bother!

 

Sorry, I know it's a bit sarcastic and not at all what someone at the start of this rollarcoaster wnats to hear, but one day you will see that anyone who makes you willing to put yourself through all of the above and claims that they once loved you or perhaps like I got form my X "I do still love you, but..." isn't worth your time and effort. Don't kid yourseleves, your spouse KNOWS they are hurting you, they don't care. Yes, the 180 can work, but I promise you in a couple of years from now you will begin to wonder why you cared if it would in the first place.

 

My advice to all starting out on this rollarcoaster is to seek IC, it will help you more than you can imagine to understand that you don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone, let alone someone who promised to love you for the rest of their life.

 

I still have my down days and no doubt I will have moments where I retract what I just wrote, but I really hope I am finally turning a corner. (Nearly 20 year relationship, 20 months post abandonment).

[hopesndreams]

35. Do not bother!

 

Sorry, I know it's a bit sarcastic and not at all what someone at the start of this rollarcoaster wnats to hear, but one day you will see that anyone who makes you willing to put yourself through all of the above and claims that they once loved you or perhaps like I got form my X "I do still love you, but..." isn't worth your time and effort. Don't kid yourseleves, your spouse KNOWS they are hurting you, they don't care. Yes, the 180 can work, but I promise you in a couple of years from now you will begin to wonder why you cared if it would in the first place.

 

My advice to all starting out on this rollarcoaster is to seek IC, it will help you more than you can imagine to understand that you don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone, let alone someone who promised to love you for the rest of their life.

 

I still have my down days and no doubt I will have moments where I retract what I just wrote, but I really hope I am finally turning a corner. (Nearly 20 year relationship, 20 months post abandonment).

 

Fantastic post!