810 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 or anything when we hang out. has anyone ever encountered in this type of situation?
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Then why didn't you just let him pay?
Author 810 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 (edited) because he paid for everything whenever we hung out so i thought i would pay once in a while. i guess i made my first mistake yesterday but i didn't apologize because i felt like i didn't do anything wrong. lolz i just don't get it. is this the "man" thing that people talk about? Edited November 4, 2010 by 810
carhill Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 'Does it bother you when I pay for dinner?' Why?' 'I enjoy paying for our times together once in awhile. Doing so makes me feel good.' Listen to his responses..... a healthy relationship is about balance. Decide if the balance here is healthy for you.
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 because he paid for everything whenever we hung out so i thought i would pay once in a while. i guess i made my first mistake yesterday but i didn't apologize because i felt like i didn't do anything wrong. lolz i just don't get it. is this the "man" thing that people talk about? it's the "ego" thing that people about. It was thoughtful of you and you shouldn't have to apologise. Always offer to pay but don't force the issue if you can tell he is genuinely upset about it.
flying Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I think this highlights just how easy it is to get signals crossed in dating, and how many assumptions people can make about others' motives without really knowing them. Paying, for you, came from a good place of wanting to pay your share, which is great. Unfortunately, some people might choose to read that as you not being sufficiently interested or as a subtle hint that you see him as just a friend. The thing is, sometimes that is what it means - and this guy might have taken it that way. If that's the case, it should be pretty easy to reassure him (assuming you are interested!). There are also guys who interpret it as emasculating, which would be a tougher problem. But there's no way to know why it makes him unhappy unless you ask him - maybe the next time it comes up, you could just ask him why he's troubled by it?
Author 810 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 (edited) Listen to his responses..... a healthy relationship is about balance. Decide if the balance here is healthy for you. we are not in relationship. haven't done anything physical yet. we're just hanging out. i don't even know what we are but i do enjoy his company. I think this highlights just how easy it is to get signals crossed in dating, and how many assumptions people can make about others' motives without really knowing them. Paying, for you, came from a good place of wanting to pay your share, which is great. Unfortunately, some people might choose to read that as you not being sufficiently interested or as a subtle hint that you see him as just a friend. The thing is, sometimes that is what it means - and this guy might have taken it that way. If that's the case, it should be pretty easy to reassure him (assuming you are interested!). There are also guys who interpret it as emasculating, which would be a tougher problem. But there's no way to know why it makes him unhappy unless you ask him - maybe the next time it comes up, you could just ask him why he's troubled by it? good point. i'll keep this in mind. he replied: "you don't have to pay for anything. i got it." pretty much that was his answer. there was a 10 seconds of silence and then we go about talking and laughing again. it's the "ego" thing that people about. It was thoughtful of you and you shouldn't have to apologise. Always offer to pay but don't force the issue if you can tell he is genuinely upset about it. i learned my lesson. lolz i'm not new to dating, only the hang out thing. i don't even know what's the difference. and i guess because i haven't learned him and his way yet, that's why i did what i did. Edited November 4, 2010 by 810
carhill Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 we are not in relationship. haven't done anything physical yet. we're just hanging out. i don't even know what we are but i do enjoy his company. Thanks. Are you dating with the desire to have a long-term relationship?
ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Its like that around here, with the guys I know anyway. Even my male friends cant stand the thought of me pulliing my purse out for lunch, which I dont think is fair...we're just friends! With one friend I had to *fight* to pay the tip on our bill. He still refuses to let me cover a bar tab or buy him a drink.... Most definitely though in a dating situation, if I pay it sends the clear signal that we are only friends. Even my ex was incredibly annoyed when after our breakup I bought my own soda! Now that hes trying to be more than friends, he sternly announced "Im taking care of this!" when the bill came for our brunch... Wild really...
Author 810 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Thanks. Are you dating with the desire to have a long-term relationship? i used to be/think like that. this is the first time in my life that i genuinely like a person and enjoy his presence without worrying or thinking about how i would be later on down the road...basically it means that i know that i would be OK if this works out or not because we had fun together. i'm happy seeing and being around him right now. Its like that around here, with the guys I know anyway. Even my male friends cant stand the thought of me pulliing my purse out for lunch, which I dont think is fair...we're just friends! With one friend I had to *fight* to pay the tip on our bill. He still refuses to let me cover a bar tab or buy him a drink.... Most definitely though in a dating situation, if I pay it sends the clear signal that we are only friends. Even my ex was incredibly annoyed when after our breakup I bought my own soda! Now that hes trying to be more than friends, he sternly announced "Im taking care of this!" when the bill came for our brunch... Wild really... hmm...what to do to let him know that you like him? i suck at flirting.
carhill Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Let me try again...... what do you want, in *general*, from interpersonal relationships? I'll use an example: Lady asked me: 'What do you want out of a relationship?' I answered: 'I enjoyed being married and would like to be married again someday' That doesn't mean I would like to be married to *her*, but in *general*. This gives her good information about my feelings regarding relationships. IMO, it's important to know what *you* want in order to find and grow healthy relationships in line with those wants. This includes relationship/dating 'styles' like who pays for dinner, as such styles are indicative of basic personality traits. More fodder for that old cliche, compatibility. If you're just looking to 'hang out', own that and, if he wants to finance hanging out, cool. However, if/when you get wind of that financing having an interest charge, meaning you owe him something, there's your sign...
nikayla Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 because he paid for everything whenever we hung out so i thought i would pay once in a while. i guess i made my first mistake yesterday but i didn't apologize because i felt like i didn't do anything wrong. lolz i just don't get it. is this the "man" thing that people talk about? 810: You don't owe anyone an apology. Have faith in your convictions. Many men love to pay on dates due to societal standards. But ALWAYS? Does he make significantly more money than you? If so, he probably doesn't want you to feel obligated to support him in any way. On the other hand, every man I talked to who insisted on paying for everything used money as a tool for manipulation. Only you can decided if he represents the former or the latter...
ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 That definitely is sometihng to watch out for... many of the guys I know genuinely just cannot stand the idea of a woman paying his way for anything, even if its entirely appropriate to split a bill like friends having lunch. And some take it further that the idea of sitting there while a woman pulls her purse out is mortifying, emasculating as someone mentioned. But yeah, there are guys who will use it against you "I paid for blah blah blaaaah!" Forget that. But thats just some guy being a manipulative jerk, and if it wasnt for some meal he paid for, it would have been something else he did that hes keeping score on. Cant win or do anything right with someone like that. As for your question on flirting...I dont know, I guess with me and the ex its not really intentional. We've just known each other so long, and he knows me well enough to realize that Im still attracted to him. We see each other more often nowadays, and its always a nice time. But hes moving ultra cautious, which is good and as he should...one day Im thinking hes the great guy I fell in love with, then out of the blue for no apparent reason Im mad at him cause Im still hurt over our breakup. If we do get back together, it will be awhile..
Star Gazer Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I went on a first date with a guy a little bit ago. I knew the bill was going to come to about $100 with what we ate and the wine we drank; I don't think it was either of our intention at the outset to rack up that kind of tab. I usually NEVER pay on first dates (although I ALWAYS do the purse reach, it's very very rare that a guy will actually allow me to pay/contribute). Check came, I pulled out my card and suggested we split it. He said, "Are you sure?" with this look on his face that suggested he felt bad that I was contributing. I said yes, as it got pricey with the wine we chose. I sent a thank you text; he responded in kind. I never heard from him again. He told a mutual friend that he was offended that I not only offered, but still went forward with paying half after he asked if I was sure. We women can't win. I'm going back to not paying for the first few dates.
Author 810 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 (edited) IMO, it's important to know what *you* want in order to find and grow healthy relationships in line with those wants. This includes relationship/dating 'styles' like who pays for dinner, as such styles are indicative of basic personality traits. More fodder for that old cliche, compatibility. If you're just looking to 'hang out', own that and, if he wants to finance hanging out, cool. However, if/when you get wind of that financing having an interest charge, meaning you owe him something, there's your sign... i see what you mean. yes, when i date, i do think about long term relationship in order to put in my efforts. I do watch out for the compatibility. this time i feel different, so at first i got scared by the fact getting to know him but now i'm being more relax around him because after the times we spent together, i see that he is a genuine person and i just like being around him. it's like hanging out with a friend...but with fluttery feelings 810: You don't owe anyone an apology. Have faith in your convictions. Many men love to pay on dates due to societal standards. But ALWAYS? Does he make significantly more money than you? If so, he probably doesn't want you to feel obligated to support him in any way. On the other hand, every man I talked to who insisted on paying for everything used money as a tool for manipulation. Only you can decided if he represents the former or the latter... thank you, nikayla. that's what i thought too because i know that i didn't do anything wrong. his best friend warned me about his personality when we all hung out before and how he would get upset if we pay when he says he's taking care of it etc. i guess i was hot headed and want to see how far can i push his limits or see if his friend was right. lolz yes, he does make much more than i do. although we've been out together just the two of us a handful of time, he's been respectful toward me thus far. when we around others he shows attention and cares...not too subtle, not too direct but i think others notice that there's something between us. my thought was since we haven't done anything physical, not even holding hands, and he's paying dinners and stuffs would indicate that he's not manipulative. i could be wrong ...it could happen later. That definitely is sometihng to watch out for... many of the guys I know genuinely just cannot stand the idea of a woman paying his way for anything, even if its entirely appropriate to split a bill like friends having lunch. And some take it further that the idea of sitting there while a woman pulls her purse out is mortifying, emasculating as someone mentioned. But yeah, there are guys who will use it against you "I paid for blah blah blaaaah!" Forget that. But thats just some guy being a manipulative jerk, and if it wasnt for some meal he paid for, it would have been something else he did that hes keeping score on. Cant win or do anything right with someone like that. As for your question on flirting...I dont know, I guess with me and the ex its not really intentional. We've just known each other so long, and he knows me well enough to realize that Im still attracted to him. We see each other more often nowadays, and its always a nice time. But hes moving ultra cautious, which is good and as he should...one day Im thinking hes the great guy I fell in love with, then out of the blue for no apparent reason Im mad at him cause Im still hurt over our breakup. If we do get back together, it will be awhile.. i'm just wondering that how long would it usually take to make the jerk come out? i get more relax with him now so i do a little physical touch like pat on the hand/arm or shoulder to shoulder, stand close or lay next to him etc. i think that would indicate that i like him, right? lolz Edited November 4, 2010 by 810
Author 810 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 I went on a first date with a guy a little bit ago. I knew the bill was going to come to about $100 with what we ate and the wine we drank; I don't think it was either of our intention at the outset to rack up that kind of tab. I usually NEVER pay on first dates (although I ALWAYS do the purse reach, it's very very rare that a guy will actually allow me to pay/contribute). Check came, I pulled out my card and suggested we split it. He said, "Are you sure?" with this look on his face that suggested he felt bad that I was contributing. I said yes, as it got pricey with the wine we chose. I sent a thank you text; he responded in kind. I never heard from him again. He told a mutual friend that he was offended that I not only offered, but still went forward with paying half after he asked if I was sure. We women can't win. I'm going back to not paying for the first few dates. i see what you mean and you are right that women can't win. i thought people say that women are hard to read...apparently, men too. they keep on saying about "chasing" and "dating games" but i guess we learn the rules as we go because each person is different.
musemaj11 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Control freak alert. Many men r obsessed with putting women in their place. Often it may not be a conscious action. Also it has noting to do with treating a woman. It has more to do with satisfying their own ego. Unless u r into strict gender roles, I suggest stay away from those kinda people.
Author 810 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 (edited) we are not in relationship Are you sure? are there indications that i missed? i have to admit, i'm kind of slow in things like these. unless being asked directly, i don't make assumptions. although, can't say i didn't want us to be. Control freak alert. Many men r obsessed with putting women in their place. Often it may not be a conscious action. Also it has noting to do with treating a woman. It has more to do with satisfying their own ego. Unless u r into strict gender roles, I suggest stay away from those kinda people. are you serious? Edited November 4, 2010 by 810
musemaj11 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 (edited) are you serious? It is one thing to believe that men have to pay on the first date and it is another thing to believe that men have to pay for EVERYTHING and it is a shame if a woman pays for a man. Thats pretty extreme. If a man has a strict traditional view of what a man should or shouldnt do, dont be surprised if he in turn also has similar view of what a woman should or shouldnt do. As I said, if you are the strict gender tradition type of person, then that should not be an issue. But if you are the kind who want a less traditional relationship then better watch out. The key is know what you want. On the other hand, every man I talked to who insisted on paying for everything used money as a tool for manipulation. Only you can decided if he represents the former or the latter... Exactly, money is POWER. Often it is unconscious, but a lot of men do use money to mark his authority. Its a way of showing, "Im the boss, Im in control." The intelligent women usually can sense this type of guys from miles away. Although the extremely submissive type of women especially in conservative societies tend to appreciate such men. Edited November 4, 2010 by musemaj11
Author 810 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 The intelligent women usually can sense this type of guys from miles away. Although the extremely submissive type of women especially in conservative societies tend to appreciate such men. thank you for your inputs but not for viewing me in such a way because obviously, i didn't sense that at all.
musemaj11 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 (edited) I didn't intend to pass judgment on you. I'm sorry if it sounded that way. When I said that particular point, I was merely throwing it in there rather than directing it at u at all. Edited November 4, 2010 by musemaj11
ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 i'm just wondering that how long would it usually take to make the jerk come out? i get more relax with him now so i do a little physical touch like pat on the hand/arm or shoulder to shoulder, stand close or lay next to him etc. i think that would indicate that i like him, right? lolz It can take years sometimes....cross a guy the wrong way and all of a sudden hes spewing out everything hes ever done for you since the day you met. Its happened to me and Im standing there thinking, are you for real?! But then, this was a guy who definitely did connect money with power, and he felt like he paid for the right to say or do this or that and I had no right to object... I wasnt having it and well...that was that. My recent ex made the huge mistake of telling me "if it wasnt for me you wouldnt have xyz" and I guess the look on my face alone was enough that he immediately started to apologize as soon as the words left his mouth. That was the one and only time and I have the feeling he doesnt want to see me make that facial expression again Im really not all that flirtacious with him at all now though...mostly cause Im unsure and on guard. Hes super affectionate with me though, I guess by not rejecting it (I do like it aftterall) that is enough for him.
phineas Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 when the woman i'm seeing pays for something I try to pay her back or split & she refuses. We go back & forth a few times playfully until I finally say "I'm not going to win this one am I" with a smile on my face. "nope" she smiles back. But she makes as much as me so I figure she can afford to treat once in a while & it doesn't bother me at all.
BobSacamento Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I went on a first date with a guy a little bit ago. I knew the bill was going to come to about $100 with what we ate and the wine we drank; I don't think it was either of our intention at the outset to rack up that kind of tab. I usually NEVER pay on first dates (although I ALWAYS do the purse reach, it's very very rare that a guy will actually allow me to pay/contribute). Check came, I pulled out my card and suggested we split it. He said, "Are you sure?" with this look on his face that suggested he felt bad that I was contributing. I said yes, as it got pricey with the wine we chose. I sent a thank you text; he responded in kind. I never heard from him again. He told a mutual friend that he was offended that I not only offered, but still went forward with paying half after he asked if I was sure. We women can't win. I'm going back to not paying for the first few dates. That guy is an idiot. How the heck are you supposed to respond to "Are you sure?".
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