Butterfly16 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I met someone recently online...exchanged a few emails before actually meeting in person. Exactly one week ago, we went out to dinner and a movie, went to his place and watched another movie. Signals throughout the evening were obviously there that we were mutually attracted to each other and enjoyed each other's company. Now, at the beginning of dinner it was discussed his current divorce process after almost 30 yrs of marriage and I too, am going through my own divorce of 8 yrs of marriage. We have our own places without contact with our soon-to-be exes. We both have only gone out with other people about 4 times between the the both of us before our date together. We are both 50 y/o...so the whole dating etiquette of what happens now is my concern. He did admit that he was a quiet, shy and takes a little time before he comes out of his shell. He was a perfect gentleman and never made me feel uncomfortable. In fact, I was very comfortable with him. I ended staying the night because my car broke down and we needed to get a couple of parts to repair it before I drove home the next morning. When we said our goodbyes after he fixed my car, he hugged me a little longer than a normal friendly hug and squeezed me close. He confirmed that he has my number for a second date. Later that day, we caught each other on instant messenger and again a couple of days later. Each message ending on a positive note. (hug, kisssy face or huge smile emoticon) Two days after that, I decided to send him a nice thank you email for a great date and to let him know that when he is ready to get out and do something again and wanted some company...well, I'd be there. The thing is...I understand he is very busy (workaholic), works out of town a lot, and is probably taking his time since he mentioned at the beginning of our date where he stood. I am a woman and as we all know...women can be a little impatient during this waiting period. So, my questions are: what do I do in the meantime? Not contact him at all? No IM or texts? No FB friend request? Could he may be a little old school (remember, long marriage) and be taking his time so just wait it out?? Thanks for your advice/opinions!
nice-easy-day Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I could only give you advice on how the dating game works in the 30's group. I suspect it gets less and less of a game as people mature. There is nothing wrong with giving people space and keeping your cool. Men are men no matter what age. We like to chase! So it's ok if you let him chase you a little. I have some friends, aunts and uncles that recently found wonderful relationships in their 50's and 60's. I wish the best for you! Love never dies until we do
Disillusioned Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 That's why I quit Synergy... it was mostly a bunch of Dolly Parton wannabes in their 60s and 70s who behaved like they were trying to make up for having played HTG for most of their adult lives. Too late now! Gotta get that guy when he's in his mid-30s and really needs some companionship.
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 I could only give you advice on how the dating game works in the 30's group. I suspect it gets less and less of a game as people mature. There is nothing wrong with giving people space and keeping your cool. Men are men no matter what age. We like to chase! So it's ok if you let him chase you a little. Thanks Nice-easy-day. I kind of thought that was what he may want to do. Like you said...men are men.
LittleTiger Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 That's why I quit Synergy... it was mostly a bunch of Dolly Parton wannabes in their 60s and 70s who behaved like they were trying to make up for having played HTG for most of their adult lives. Too late now! Gotta get that guy when he's in his mid-30s and really needs some companionship. What rubbish! I divorced and then found the love of my life at 45. Most of us want and need companionship at every age. Two of my Mum's friends (both in their 70s) have found love after their husbands passed away. There is alway hope, no matter how old you are. Butterfly - as you have already sent an email I would consider the next move to be his. You don't say how long ago you sent the message but if it was only a day or two I'd give him time. Like you say, he's busy. From what you've said he seems to like you. Hope it works out for you.
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Well, sorry you had bad experience there Disillusioned. But if you saw me, you wound NOT think of me as a Dolly Parton wanna-be let alone 60-70 y/o!! I'm a very young looking 50 y/o who can pass for early 40s! I only mentioned our ages because of the possibility that maturity and the fact that he was in such a long marriage could affect his dating moves at this point.
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 What rubbish! I divorced and then found the love of my life at 45. Most of us want and need companionship at every age. Two of my Mum's friends (both in their 70s) have found love after their husbands passed away. There is alway hope, no matter how old you are. Butterfly - as you have already sent an email I would consider the next move to be his. You don't say how long ago you sent the message but if it was only a day or two I'd give him time. Like you say, he's busy. From what you've said he seems to like you. Hope it works out for you. Thank you Little Tiger!!! You don't know how much your words of support have affected me! I sent it on Monday, 2 days after we had contact last. Thank You!!! And Congrats on finding the love of your life too!!!
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 This waiting is agonizing!! Every time I see him pop up on Yahoo Msgr...I want to say "hi"...but I also know he uses his laptop for work...so it may not be a good time to interrupt him. He is a little shy and waiting for his next move is driving me crazy!!!! I keep reminding myself that he will and I can still feel his arms around me when he gave me that big hug good bye (he was smiling and laughing and kind of almost lifted me off my feet while kind of slightly swinging me from side to side) I mean, it was a very positive hug. We didn't kiss because I felt embarrassed of morning breathe...but I sure did want to and I told him so. Geez!! Dating nerves doesn't change whether you're 20, 30 or 50!
xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I don't buy the whole shyness factor. Someone his age should be more experienced in dealing with matters of the heart; even if he's just started dating after 40 years of marriage, I would call that awkward hesitancy rather than timid shyness. No, I think no matter the age, if a guy is into you, he'll not hesitate or wait to speed the dating process along. Did he ever replied to your email?
LittleTiger Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 If he's a workaholic as you say then he may be waiting for the weekend so that he has more time to talk without being distracted. If you don't hear from him by Sunday night I would certainly wonder why and would guess that he's decided against taking things further. However, I'd probably still send him a text or something just saying hi and then see what happens - you've got nothing to lose.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 My advice is to NOT do the FB friend thing ever, unless you end up in a confirmed relationship or actually friends. I really posted, though, to tell you that I too found a great love after the age of 50. It can happen, and it does! Keep the faith ... and probably let this guy make the next move.
GivenUp0083 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I don't buy the whole shyness factor. Someone his age should be more experienced in dealing with matters of the heart; even if he's just started dating after 40 years of marriage, I would call that awkward hesitancy rather than timid shyness. No, I think no matter the age, if a guy is into you, he'll not hesitate or wait to speed the dating process along. Did he ever replied to your email? That's odd, I've always heard from women and been told by them that calling them once a week to set up a date was moving too fast and comes across as desperate and needy. Guess we can't win. Reason #759 why I quit dating.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 That's odd, I've always heard from women and been told by them that calling them once a week to set up a date was moving too fast and comes across as desperate and needy. Guess we can't win. Reason #759 why I quit dating. I don't know what kind of women you'd been dating, but a guy who is interested keeps his contacts consistent. There is a difference between being interested and being hot and cold.
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 My advice is to NOT do the FB friend thing ever, unless you end up in a confirmed relationship or actually friends. I really posted, though, to tell you that I too found a great love after the age of 50. It can happen, and it does! Keep the faith ... and probably let this guy make the next move. Thanks Mme Chaucer....Good to know its still possible!
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) That's odd, I've always heard from women and been told by them that calling them once a week to set up a date was moving too fast and comes across as desperate and needy. IDK I guess it depends on the women. I mean, if things were going well and there were OBVIOUS signs of flirtations and chemistry happening....of course the woman would love to hear that he is thinking about her and wants to see her again. Now, if she made it clear that she only saw you as a friend...no sparks...then that something totally different. My guy was just starting to make cute moves to touch me...arm, hand while we were laughing and talking...and I didn't reject or pull away. So, there were no mixed signals there. Plus the way he hugged me goodbye...there was a lot of affection in it. It wasn't just a handshake...nice meeting you...drive safely kind of goodbye..... Edited November 5, 2010 by Butterfly16 quote interrupted
carhill Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 At 50 do you want to date a workaholic? How does his docket look? Yours? Are they/you in the settlement phase or is it contested going to trial? You said there is no contact with spouses. Kinda hard to divorce without some contact, like for court hearings and mediation and signing a MSA and such. Combining ending a 30 year M with being a workaholic, speaking as a 51 yo man whose D was final a couple weeks ago, I'd say take your time and keep your expectations very low. Also, date other people, presuming you feel like dating. Good luck
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 Butterfly has he contacted you? No.....haven't had any contact since last Sat. He had plans to spend the day already with his 4 y/o nephew (special needs). He spends a lot of time with him. (his own sons are all over 24 y/o.)
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 Carhill--- Well, he is a confirmed workaholic. But he wants to slow down and start enjoying life. As far as his docket--looks like they are in the settlement phase. He has very little, if any, contact with her. Mine is uncontested...and he is on the other side of the country. So, even less contact with him. He was my second date since I split with my husband. My first date was just ok...no chemistry. But with this one.... I could definitely see myself with him if our lives were more settled and no outside interference. I don't really enjoy dating, to be honest. I feel he would be worth waiting for in the long run. He did say at the beginning of our date with regard to his current status. He was in the middle of his divorce so I would be aware of what he may be going through without any expectations. Meaning, he probably wouldn't be able to give me much time until all this is settled. I understand sometimes it helps if the parties aren't in any serious relationship that would jeopardize the settlement. He is already giving up a lot to get out of this marriage. So, I think I just answered my own question......
carhill Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 So, I think I just answered my own question...... IMO, being clear about things is healthy. Focus on getting your uncontested D done and enjoy the time you have with him as it comes. When I was separated, most of the LS ladies who responded to a thread I posted on the process said they wouldn't date me; too much uncertainty, extraneous emotions and potential to reconcile. Women in real life mirrored that perspective. I'm just a regular average guy, so every man and situation is different. Hope it works out
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 IMO, being clear about things is healthy. Focus on getting your uncontested D done and enjoy the time you have with him as it comes. When I was separated, most of the LS ladies who responded to a thread I posted on the process said they wouldn't date me; too much uncertainty, extraneous emotions and potential to reconcile. Women in real life mirrored that perspective. I'm just a regular average guy, so every man and situation is different. Hope it works out Thanks again Carhill. You're probably right. And maybe that's what he was trying to tell me within the first 10 mins. we met. For all I know he may have a court date this week or maybe still trying work things out with his lawyer and the settlement. Really doesn't have time to for me at this point. I'm sure its best I just stand back and let him work this out just like I need to finish up with my court papers. Besides, it didn't sound like he wanted to get back together with her. Plus his apt. (after just 3 mos.) appeared like he was planning on staying there for quite awhile. I hope this works out as well. There was something there between us that I just can't deny or ignore. Thats why I just can't get him out of my head!
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 He contacted me today!!! YAAYYYYY!!! 12 very long days wondering if he even thought about me and then BAM!!! I get home and there was a message waiting for me. Geez...its tough dating!
LittleTiger Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 YAYYY! That's great news. Really happy for you Butterfly - they do say patience is a virtue. Hope it works out for you.
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Thanks Tiger! and for your support!
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