Cheated on Women Go on to become OW?

[dreamingoftigers]

I think it's also possible that some BS's become OW because it looks (from the outside) like a good deal for the OW, particularly when the MM leaves his W for the OW. No question in my mind that DM's xW thinks we rode off happily into the sunset. That delusion has led to a real fouling up of his daughter's sense of justice in the world. To the outside, it looks like we got off scott-free, but of course, you all know how badly I've gotten scathed. And so maybe for xW it looked to her like a good deal to her to be the OW for a change - to be the one getting the "good part", to be the one with the knowledge rather than the one in the dark.

 

I thought this for quite awhile after meeting my father's mistress. That she got spoiled rotten and lavished and got the affections and attentions that my father refused to show his family for years. Having come onto LS I realize all of the game he played and how he made it so that nobody truly won anything in that situation whatsoever and that her self-esteem seriously needed a workup if she needed to target a man like my father to try to marry. (Something she specifically stated, she was very openly competitive with my mother). And my father is no catch by any means. The level of shame and narcissisn these two carried was just unreal.

[dreamingoftigers]

But an extramarital relationship is not "done to them". The BSs are just an unfortunate casualty of a love relationship being that one (or both) of the participants is married.

 

That's the thing, it actually is! The BS is being excluded from one of the most significant life-ties they have. They are literally being excluded from a lifetime of what was promised to them. Whether or not the AP feels it, it is a full-blown attack on the BS. Often it is the WS way of showing dissatisfaction with his/her spouse. Conflict-avoidance in the extreme, causing horrendous damage.

[dreamingoftigers]

I felt power as the BS, because my serial cheating SO's always chose me in the end, they always stayed with me. I felt like they never could abandon me. Their bond with me was too strong.

 

My husband's sex addiction has let me know that in that category, I am in last place for him. Even now that he has chosen to stay here, I know that it is for nothing sexual and that has had a significant impact on the way I feel about him which is hard to ignore. The rage I feel at being promised a life without bull**** of this nature from my mate has left me shaken in a way that I am never 75% sure we can recover from. He says now with the help for his sex addiction that the sex between us is the greatest blah blah blah. He said that I always sexually satisfied him but the addiction fuelled other behaviours, coupled with the attachment issues from childhood he was a prime candidate.

 

I know the literature inside and out, I know the science behind it. All I can hear is blah blah blah blah. He isn't the man I married and he kind of disgusts me now. None of the science and knowledge of the addiction can change that, he just seems "dirty." And I never liked the "bad boys." He's present, which is more then I can say of the last year and a half, but if he had had any respect for me and and love at all, he would have never opened these doors to the addiction, never put me through the misery with the lies and taking off when I had our little girl, and would be doing all that he can to empathize with me now. I have no idea hwo you would feel power in a relationship as unstable as with a sex addict. Perhaps that emotional connection is where you feel that your personal power lies?

[jennie-jennie]

I am confused, I thought he had slept with his wife just a few months ago. Apologies if I have this wrong JJ, but didn't you post about this?

Yours? surely not, after all we don't own people, now do we? (said tongue in cheek)

 

He had one slip in 18 months and we've sorted that out. They have no intimacy, zilch, since all intimacy they ever had has always been initiated by him. That was one of the major issues they had before he and I reconnected, that he was angry at her for never initiating intimacy or sex.

 

Again, "mine" is a matter of speech. It means he and I have a relationship, in this case an exclusive relationship. It is general practice in the English language to use "mine" in that way.

[thomasb]

He had one slip in 18 months and we've sorted that out. They have no intimacy, zilch, since all intimacy they ever had has always been initiated by him. That was one of the major issues they had before he and I reconnected, that he was angry at her for never initiating intimacy or sex.

 

Again, "mine" is a matter of speech. It means he and I have a relationship, in this case an exclusive relationship. It is general practice in the English language to use "mine" in that way.

 

 

Funny how an OP will state so emphatically they know something to be true that their married person has told them to be the 'honest to God' truth. Then a couple monthes later they are devestated when they find it not to be. When you are having a relationship with a known liar, why would you feel they tell only YOU the truth? Amazing. Especially when they don't tell the person in their primary relationship the truth. Their wife.

[jennie-jennie]

Funny how an OP will state so emphatically they know something to be true that their married person has told them to be the 'honest to God' truth. Then a couple monthes later they are devestated when they find it not to be. When you are having a relationship with a known liar, why would you feel they tell only YOU the truth? Amazing. Especially when they don't tell the person in their primary relationship the truth. Their wife.

 

You tell the person closest to you the truth. If you lie to your wife, then that shows that that relationship is not your primary relationship. Your wife is no longer the one closest to you.

[Spark1111]

Funny how an OP will state so emphatically they know something to be true that their married person has told them to be the 'honest to God' truth. Then a couple monthes later they are devestated when they find it not to be. When you are having a relationship with a known liar, why would you feel they tell only YOU the truth? Amazing. Especially when they don't tell the person in their primary relationship the truth. Their wife.

 

This is the part that rings true to me, thomasb.

 

I have known the man since he was 17, and he had me believing two things:

 

He was working late and traveling for a new job, and

 

he was slowly finding fault, picking fights with me over silly things.

 

He also told his OW, we rarely to never had sex

 

We had it at least twice a week.

 

He lied to her, to me, but mostly, to himself.

[Spark1111]

He had one slip in 18 months and we've sorted that out. They have no intimacy, zilch, since all intimacy they ever had has always been initiated by him. That was one of the major issues they had before he and I reconnected, that he was angry at her for never initiating intimacy or sex.

 

Again, "mine" is a matter of speech. It means he and I have a relationship, in this case an exclusive relationship. It is general practice in the English language to use "mine" in that way.

 

Many men stop seeing their wives as a sexual, desirable human being. She is pidgeon-holed as mother, lacks interest in his 7 minutes of satisfaction, and does grow emotionally distant and extremely bored with him too.

 

But let him see all the men who do admire, flirt, and are attracted to her, especially after DDay when he has been so blind to it, and it is if he is seeing her for the first time.

 

Very self-deluding for most mid-life crisers.

[Spark1111]

He had one slip in 18 months and we've sorted that out. They have no intimacy, zilch, since all intimacy they ever had has always been initiated by him. That was one of the major issues they had before he and I reconnected, that he was angry at her for never initiating intimacy or sex.

 

Again, "mine" is a matter of speech. It means he and I have a relationship, in this case an exclusive relationship. It is general practice in the English language to use "mine" in that way.

 

Jennie...sorry to say this, but unless you are a fly on their bedroom wall, you could never know this for sure.

[thomasb]

Many men stop seeing their wives as a sexual, desirable human being. She is pidgeon-holed as mother, lacks interest in his 7 minutes of satisfaction, and does grow emotionally distant and extremely bored with him too.

 

But let him see all the men who do admire, flirt, and are attracted to her, especially after DDay when he has been so blind to it, and it is if he is seeing her for the first time.

 

Very self-deluding for most mid-life crisers.

 

This was very true for me. I became insanely jealous and possessive of my wife following my affair. I also believe this is why so many cheaters accuse their spouses of infidelity during. They realize that whats good for the goose just may be good for the gander.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie...sorry to say this, but unless you are a fly on their bedroom wall, you could never know this for sure.

 

With that logic, nobody can know anything about anybody else for sure.

[carhill]

I had the opposite reaction. I didn't care that other men found my exW attractive. Poor b@stards. When I saw pictures of her with other men while we were separated, I had about five seconds of 'uhh' and then I just laughed, mostly at myself, for such a stupid reaction. When I saw a man living in the house I bought her, wandering the halls I lovingly restored, I smiled, knowing I'd never have to live that life again.

 

If you're cheated on and don't know it empirically, does it affect you? Food for thought.

 

No more MW's for me. No more OW's for me, either. They can get therapy somewhere else.

[bentnotbroken]

So many times I see rude posts meant to hurt others...I guess the same rationalization is involved.

 

 

Possibly and maybe it's just your perception. Who knows?

[pureinheart]

Possibly and maybe it's just your perception. Who knows?

 

Possibly, possibly not:)

[pureinheart]

You tell the person closest to you the truth. If you lie to your wife, then that shows that that relationship is not your primary relationship. Your wife is no longer the one closest to you.

 

This is how I have alway felt about this (bold)...also the person you feel more comfortable with and trust.

[jthorne]

You tell the person closest to you the truth. If you lie to your wife, then that shows that that relationship is not your primary relationship. Your wife is no longer the one closest to you.

Ok, so I think we can agree that most MM/WS have to lie to their BS carry on an affair- even if it's a little lie. So ALL BS that are being lied to are no longer the primary R? Not being snarky, but I think a look next door on the OW Board pretty much negates that argument.

 

At the very beginning of an A, things are new, no way of knowing if the AP would be the primary R. Makes sense that at the very beginning, the BS was still the one the WS was closest to. So why didn't they tell the truth and disclose the A? Why not to a best friend if they weren't closest to the BS? Right then, they werent closest to the AP, so someone else had to be closest. They didn't tell them the truth.

 

I think the more plausible explanation is the WS's primary relationship is with THEMSELVES, and only they know if they are telling themselves the truth. From what I've read on these boards, the WS that stops lying to themselves is able to choose between the M and AP relatively easily. They are able to move forward and stop lying to everyone involved.

 

Sorry for the tj... I have no idea what this has to do with a BS becoming an OW.

Edited November 14, 2010 by jthorne

[NoIDidn't]

The disempowered BS who goes on to become a disempowered OW gets a double whammy...

 

Let's get this thread back on topic.

 

I agree with the above quote.

 

Its been my experience and is my opinion that the BS that goes on to become an OP really was the one getting the short end of the stick in the marriage and was likely really broken when the affair came to light.

 

If one goes on to become a cheater after being cheated on - its obviously not from a place of power, but from one of seeking power (the power they thought the OP that affected their R had).

[Spark1111]

Let's get this thread back on topic.

 

I agree with the above quote.

 

Its been my experience and is my opinion that the BS that goes on to become an OP really was the one getting the short end of the stick in the marriage and was likely really broken when the affair came to light.

 

If one goes on to become a cheater after being cheated on - its obviously not from a place of power, but from one of seeking power (the power they thought the OP that affected their R had).

 

NID, I think this has merit.

 

Do you think it is a concious or subconcious motivation?

[NoIDidn't]

NID, I think this has merit.

 

Do you think it is a concious or subconcious motivation?

 

I think its both. And I think that even an emotionally healthy BS will think on this level, but only for a moment before snapping back to their senses.

 

I remember wondering what was so special about my H's OP, wondered what her "power" over him was. Could it have been her youth, her looks? What was it about her personality that had her able to get things out of him that I couldn't after so many years of marriage?

 

But I dismissed that stuff out of hand. I had several exes come out of the woodwork after hearing about it (not from me or my H, but from blabbermouth OP who told every one after she was dumped) and I didn't feel the need to exercise any "power" over them to prove anything to my H. I felt that cheating would take away my remaining power and confidence in myself. In my mind, the best way to get that confidence back was by respecting. Stooping to the level of cheating may have given me the illusion of confidence in using another person's approval and desire for me to validate me. But that's external and I wanted internal power. The kind I give myself, that another can't take away with disrespectful actions.

 

I definitely think its both a conscious and subconscious thing, but I actually think its more conscious - especially when you deliberately excuse yourself from the ramifications of your actions. The ability to rationalize becoming the OP after having been betrayed one's self, says to me that its a deliberate and conscious deed. It may be driven by some subconscious factors, but I still think its mostly a conscious decision.

[donnamaybe]

And for that matter, why are you not more accepting of your MM sleeping with his wife? After all, you are from a hedonistic culture, so you of all people should be understanding if he chooses to have sex with his wife

EXACTLY! Pot, meet kettle.

[jennie-jennie]

EXACTLY! Pot, meet kettle.

 

There is no contradiction to me in being simultaneously pro pleasure and pro fidelity.

 

I only find pleasure in intimate exclusive love relationships, like the one I have with my MM.

 

The difference I believe is that I do not find myself bound to a partner because of prior promises. I only stay as long as the love I have lasts. If my love object switches, so does the object of my fidelity. My fidelity lies where my pleasure lies. The man I enjoy sex with has my heart, and the man who has my heart is the one I enjoy sex with. As simple as that.

[OWoman]

That's true. HOWEVER, if you take a look at a person's behavior in other areas of life (are they lying to and deceiving other people, for example?), you can get a good idea about their integrity level as a general rule.

 

Exactly! And if it's only their BW who's not clued in, and if everyone else is telling you what your own eyes are confirming, then why wouldn't you believe what you see / hear / find out in other ways? Sometimes MMs really are telling the truth to the OW, even if not to their BW.

[Silly_Girl]

Right...but then again he didn't involve himself with his wife the cheater. Therefore yes there will always be the what ifs in life..but you entered a relationship already knowing the character flaws of this mm. So say you end up with him in the end...what really is the difference of staying with your ex h the cheater...or this new guy?

 

I didn't enter the relationship knowing his flaws, that takes a whole lot longer. And I knew he felt rejected, hurt and disconnected from his wife. None of which are illegal or immoral facets in a person.

 

As for the differences between the 2? Oh my goodness, PP80, the differences are many and varied.

 

This is another example of posters believing a person is characterised only by their status as a cheater. I believe this is one aspect of an individual, and there are good people who mess up their relationships, and awful people who would never dream of being unfaithful. If the only thing that matters about about a person is their ability to be faithful maybe we should all get our statuses tattooed on our foreheads.

[Silly_Girl]

Desensitisation? Lack of awareness? Self-control?

 

I've thought about it a lot and am not at all convinced there is any form of power struggle providing the backdrop for my becoming involved with a married person.

 

I also don't think it was about validation, I had nothing to feel good about, if one chooses to view the pre-existing relationship as 'competition', for example.

 

I am aware that my exposure to lies from my ex-SO opened my eyes to a whole world I'd never truly realised existed. His actions made me take more notice of similar scenarios in other relationships; it seemed more prevalent once I'd been in that position myself. The mind works that way doesn't it?

 

That's not to say the fact cheating happens was enough to make me decide it was okay for me to encourage a spouse to cheat, not at all; but if my life had been different up to that point I am fairly certain I'd have run like billy-o (and had done earlier in my life) because it would have been a world I could not possibly have been strong enough to enter. But I was not scared per se.

 

More importantly and a greater contribution was that I had not, at the time, been practising a high level of self-awareness. I had buried that, I felt I had HAD to bury that to get through the ending of my previous relationship. That is no longer the case. Had I given adequate thought and consideration to my actions, in the way I do in my career for example, things would have evolved in a very different way.

 

This is my opinion, about MY behaviour, and probably not applicable anywhere else, but it's an attempt to answer the OP based on my own experiences. I can't regret meeting this man, I love him more than ever, but it doesn't stop me wishing we'd met sooner, when he was separated, or later, when he'd have been separated.