Cheated on Women Go on to become OW?

[Silly_Girl]

Jennie:I had no idea you slept in their bed between them.

 

Ouch.

 

What's your wife up to when you're not around?? None of us REALLY know what our loved ones do when we've set boundaries and agreements, hence this board. We can garner a lot fromm our interactions, and instinct, and whatnot.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Ouch.

 

What's your wife up to when you're not around?? None of us REALLY know what our loved ones do when we've set boundaries and agreements, hence this board. We can garner a lot fromm our interactions, and instinct, and whatnot.

 

 

Right...but then again he didn't involve himself with his wife the cheater. Therefore yes there will always be the what ifs in life..but you entered a relationship already knowing the character flaws of this mm. So say you end up with him in the end...what really is the difference of staying with your ex h the cheater...or this new guy?

[Spark1111]

Research has shown that children of D are significantly more likely to D themselves (I can't remember the percentages - but it was a reputable study) and IME that's been pretty true - my grandparents, parents and myself and my siblings have all Dd; on my H's side, his parents Dd and so has he. Whether or not our kids go on to repeat that, only time will tell - my kids have shown no signs of M (thank god) and his are still too young.

 

Does infidelity follow a similar pattern? I wouldn't be surprised, but I've not seen any reputable studies of this. Anecdotally, I'm sure one's parents Rs, however they pan out, can't but influence one's own (positively or negatively!) but I'd guess the lessons learned aren't always the obvious ones. How parents respond to situations are probably more significant than the details of the situations themselves. If they see the parents responding positively, with strength and integrity, the lessons are more likely to be positive ones, IMO, whatever the cause, while parents responding poorly are likely to spawn negative lessons.

 

Yes, OW, this is what the latest research is bearing out: It is not the degree of love or the lack thereof that influences children positively, or negatively.

 

It is the amount of acrimony that causes them to suffer.

 

So be married, or divorced amicably without acrimony, kids should be fine.

 

However, my experience is only three out of 100 divorce without acrimony of some kind.

[Spark1111]

You know my opinions well enough to know that what you state is not true of me. Good try though!

 

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life that I do not reveal to my children. Having had a 3-week affair which I deeply regret would certainly be among those things not suited for my children's ears.

 

My relationship with my MM is one of the most precious relationships I have ever had. Of course I share the joy of that with my children! It is such a big part of my life! You know he is "the man that makes mom happy!"

 

thomasb greatly regretted his affair. His teenage sons, step-sons knew before his wife did, as did mine (he suspected!).

 

And then of course thomasb's OW became a crazy stalker bunny boiler. He had no choice but to disclose all to keep his family safe from her antics.

[Spark1111]

Interesting post. I haven't been a BS. I haven't been a WS.

 

I think it is competition and "I survived, so will he/she".

 

I personally don't buy the whole "I had a bad/dysfunctional childhood, therefore I am dysfunctional".

 

I was the first in my family to divorce. Then my brother divorced. Our parents are happily married almost 50 years.

 

My H came from parents who have been married over 50 years. He is the only one to divorce.

 

I think people make excuses for what they do and blame their past. Just my view.

 

 

 

Thank you so much LD for being so open and honest with your post and your thoughts. YOU are awesome!

 

 

 

Agree

 

 

 

 

 

 

I agree with the looking for validation.

 

 

 

Agreed. I have seen other examples of being told the poster was wrong, yet no apology forthcoming. Now I just learn to ignore.

 

BACK ON TOPIC - I would have presumed, prior to reading on LS, that people who were cheated on would NOT want to be the OW. My eyes have been opened in that it seems like it is almost the thing to do. Get cheated on, exact revenge and become the OW/Mistress - or cheaters accomplice (that made me laugh when I read it!)

 

I think women as a whole have some competitive natures - worse than men. I think many women don't care about hurting innocent parties. I also would never presume to judge another person's marriage and what goes on in their homes and how their kids are raised unless I am actually IN the home raising the kids. To imply that children are being shown all the time what a bad marriage is because the father is cheating with someone who he really loves, versus his wife at home, is kinda silly since the OW has no idea what is going on in the home and how the interaction is between the husband and wife. They can only go by what they are told by the cheating MM ... there is no way he is going to tell his OW that he and his wife have this great loving relationship and his kids are living in a loving, committed household. To do so would not give the OW hope and not give him access to her.

 

In no way do I think 2 people who are miserable should stay married - and especially NOT for the kids. Heck, that is a huge disservice TO the kids. If one of the married people loves someone else, set the marital partner free and go be with that person. This is why I believe if a person loved a woman, he would move mountains to be with her. Isn't that what GEL's H did? Isn't that what OW's H did?

 

By the same token, there are many BS's on here whose H chose to remain married and dumped/left the OW. And those marriage are happy, recovered marriages. They became that way through time, forgiveness and love.

 

Life is too damn short to stay in an unhappy marriage/relationship.

 

Interesting points!

 

Few came from greater dysfunction in childhood than I. I am often (I cringe) touted as someone who overcame it to be a very successful and productive member of my family and in society.

 

I never told anyone what I came from because I did not want anyone to pity nor grant opportunity to me other than based solely on personal performance, strength of character or truly-earned merit.

 

My dysfunction would not be used as an excuse to perpetuate more.

 

My H came from a seemingly normal, intact family. His parents were married over 50 years, yet he is the one who cheated.

 

What I see as the greatest difference between us and our families of origin? We face conflict head-on....His avoids it all costs, especially if it would raise a doubt that they were not as "perfect" as they were suppose to be.

 

And, I know for a fact, he went out of his way to portray "us" as hopelessly disconnected. There were a few events in retrospect, that he went out of his way to avoid ME while she was in attendance, afraid to show here we always had a decent marriage.

 

Convincing himself? Her? Not sure on this.

[pureinheart]

As I said in my situation. And if beating yourself up is an option(I have done the same thing)then beating someone else in the process shouldn't be an option( I beat others up when I felt bad too.) Hurting people hurt others and rationalization is a way to do that while spit shining one's self image.

 

So many times I see rude posts meant to hurt others...I guess the same rationalization is involved.

[pureinheart]

It's unfortunate that this thread has turned into a "let's bash Jennie" thread. I find it interesting the level of perfection portrayed, although when all is said ands done, we all live in a glass house.

 

One possible explanation for the difference in Jennies country and other countries is her country possibly realises there are much worse things that can happen to a person than infidelity. Also that there is a less of "ownership" attitude among her people.

 

The people I grew up with and the prior generation didn't view people as property in my area. I would venture to say this is the main attitude and thinking that leads to infidelity being the end all of life.

[woinlove]

It's unfortunate that this thread has turned into a "let's bash Jennie" thread. I find it interesting the level of perfection portrayed, although when all is said ands done, we all live in a glass house.

 

One possible explanation for the difference in Jennies country and other countries is her country possibly realises there are much worse things that can happen to a person than infidelity. Also that there is a less of "ownership" attitude among her people.

 

The people I grew up with and the prior generation didn't view people as property in my area. I would venture to say this is the main attitude and thinking that leads to infidelity being the end all of life.

 

What exactly are you referring to, because I don't see it. Are you referring to the response to Jennie's comment about the US? I thought that was a rather gross generalization, and I can't see pointing this fact out as a "bashing". Do you agree with this generalization and, if so, why? Or are you referring to something else?

 

It is easier to follow the points, when people comment on specific points or arguments. These general comments about people not responding correctly which themselves don't address specific points, tend to really take things off-track. If you think some post or posts are inappropriate, why not flag them or refer to them specifically, rather than making sweeping statements that seem to be meant to include multiple posters?

 

ETA: Also not sure who referred to infidelity of the end all of life. Certainly, it is known to cause enormous pain. Perhaps some people feel like dying, but unlike death, they can usually recover. Again, just don't know which comment you think made infidelity sound too terrible in your opinion.

Edited November 8, 2010 by woinlove

[wheelwright]

Hi Spark!

 

I read a lot of the thread.

 

For me, if there was any getting at AP's BS because of my own past issues, it was so subconscious as not to have surfaced yet. And I've been diving.

 

I didn't like what I (presumably erroneously) felt how she treated him.

 

There were a number of instances of infidelity in my parent's lives. I did not feel they were salient amongst the more pressing issues I faced as a child. But who knows?

 

I do see that when my mother left my father, it was when another man was in place. And I can see the sense in that in that age.

 

In that way, I am programmed to cheat, when I have given up on a R. That worked out in a way I accepted as a child. And understand as an adult.

 

My H was unfaithful to me in the first few years of our R. I guess that made it easier for me in my A.

 

And set a precedent.

 

I would not have behaved in the way I did if I believed xMOM's W loved him. She told me she didn't. After that, all was fair where she was concerned.

 

I now feel a lot of discomfort for the way things worked out for his BS. I felt no bad feelings or wishes for her family to fail, even subconsciously. I just felt their R already had failed, so I justified in that way.

 

However, I take this point, and will continue diving. His BS was certainly the opposite of my own mother in terms of family commitment.

[NoIDidn't]

Interesting points!

 

Few came from greater dysfunction in childhood than I. I am often (I cringe) touted as someone who overcame it to be a very successful and productive member of my family and in society.

 

I never told anyone what I came from because I did not want anyone to pity nor grant opportunity to me other than based solely on personal performance, strength of character or truly-earned merit.

 

My dysfunction would not be used as an excuse to perpetuate more.

 

My H came from a seemingly normal, intact family. His parents were married over 50 years, yet he is the one who cheated.

 

Amen to the bolded. I've survived dysfunction. No way would I look for it in a potential mate. But I did end up in the same situation as yourself - with a mate from a seemingly well-adjusted family/background. And HE is the one that cheated.

 

I think too many forget that the statistics have another side. For example, its said that 55% of women still single after age 50 will never marry, and many conclude that that means that they will never get married if they are still single over the age of 50. But they forget that 45% of women over age 50 DO manage to marry, and they could just as easily be on this side of the equation.

 

Its too easy to become pessimistic and accept the negative instead of the positive. Just because one was raised in dysfunction, as I was, doesn't mean that they're destined to only experience that.

[jennie-jennie]

Amen to the bolded. I've survived dysfunction. No way would I look for it in a potential mate. But I did end up in the same situation as yourself - with a mate from a seemingly well-adjusted family/background. And HE is the one that cheated.

 

I think too many forget that the statistics have another side. For example, its said that 55% of women still single after age 50 will never marry, and many conclude that that means that they will never get married if they are still single over the age of 50. But they forget that 45% of women over age 50 DO manage to marry, and they could just as easily be on this side of the equation.

 

Its too easy to become pessimistic and accept the negative instead of the positive. Just because one was raised in dysfunction, as I was, doesn't mean that they're destined to only experience that.

 

So this means that the advice often given on LS to go and find a single man who will only care about you, will only come true in 45% of the cases for all the OW who are over 50!

 

Better is one bird in the hand than ten in the bush.

[donnamaybe]

Its too easy to become pessimistic and accept the negative instead of the positive. Just because one was raised in dysfunction' date=' as I was, doesn't mean that they're destined to only experience that.[/quote']You're right. Some can grow and learn and choose to NOT become mired in the dysfunction any further.

 

I've seen many AP's state "well, I know he/she lies to his/her spouse, but they NEVER lie to me." I wonder, too, if said dysfunction could possibly be the cause of an AP believing their MM/MW's every word? Meaning, if there is a dysfunctional mindset that cannot be let go of, does that person then bind to their dysfunctional partner in a way that creates further dysfunction, i.e. an inability to "see the forest for the trees?"

 

Interesting.

[Brokenlady]

The BS (xW) in my situation became an OW to a MM she works with. She even told her kids about it. I think she did it because she was looking for validation that her xH's cheating wasn't because of her - and if she could lure away another woman's H, well then she must really be a catch after all. Of course, it didn't work, that MM is still with his W....but who knows. Maybe it somehow balances the feeling that something was going on for so long behind her back to have that one-up knowledge on someone else.

 

I think that once the pandaora's box of infidelity is opened, it's hard to shut it. For a BS who would otherwise have never thought infidelity would touch her, I can see why once the door is opened, the OW country of cheating looks less threatening and foreign.

[Snowflower]

 

I think that once the pandaora's box of infidelity is opened, it's hard to shut it. For a BS who would otherwise have never thought infidelity would touch her, I can see why once the door is opened, the OW country of cheating looks less threatening and foreign.

 

This makes sense to me in some aspects but for me personally, I am just the opposite.

 

Before my H had an affair, I didn't really give infidelity a lot of thought. It never occurred in my parents' marriage (that I was aware of-I'm very positive that it didn't) and it seldom happened in the marriages of my friends, relatives, colleagues, etc. Oh sure, I heard about it from time to time. But, it didn't really affect me since I hadn't experienced it up close.

 

After all the pain and confusion I went through, there would be no way in H*LL I would be a participant in infidelity again. Either as a BW or as an OW. I've seen firsthand how affairs usually end and the pain for everyone involved and how affairs don't usually work out.

 

I've had my brush with infidelity that will last me a lifetime. I remember for a long time after my husband's affair, I felt that my life had been "tainted" by something awful. At least I could say it was not of my own doing. I wouldn't want to bring it again through my own actions.

[ladydesigner]

This makes sense to me in some aspects but for me personally, I am just the opposite.

 

Before my H had an affair, I didn't really give infidelity a lot of thought. It never occurred in my parents' marriage (that I was aware of-I'm very positive that it didn't) and it seldom happened in the marriages of my friends, relatives, colleagues, etc. Oh sure, I heard about it from time to time. But, it didn't really affect me since I hadn't experienced it up close.

 

After all the pain and confusion I went through, there would be no way in H*LL I would be a participant in infidelity again. Either as a BW or as an OW. I've seen firsthand how affairs usually end and the pain for everyone involved and how affairs don't usually work out.

 

I've had my brush with infidelity that will last me a lifetime. I remember for a long time after my husband's affair, I felt that my life had been "tainted" by something awful. At least I could say it was not of my own doing. I wouldn't want to bring it again through my own actions.

 

How true this statement is. As much as I felt like I was evening the score with my H I also know now that I helped taint my M as well. Not a good thing. Not at all.

[thomasb]

 

I've had my brush with infidelity that will last me a lifetime. I remember for a long time after my husband's affair, I felt that my life had been "tainted" by something awful. At least I could say it was not of my own doing. I wouldn't want to bring it again through my own actions.

 

 

This is how I feel on the other side of the coin. And tainted myself and my relationship with not only my wife, children and friends. I let myself down in a deeply personal way by rejecting everything I knew was decent and right.

[thomasb]

 

Better is one bird in the hand than ten in the bush.

 

 

An OP is only borrowing a bird that belongs to someone else. It is not in your hand. Morally or legally.

[Owl]

This is how I feel on the other side of the coin. And tainted myself and my relationship with not only my wife, children and friends. I let myself down in a deeply personal way by rejecting everything I knew was decent and right.

 

My wife struggled with this for years after her EA. It adversly affected her self-esteem a good deal, and was something that greatly contributed to her depression that she was seeking treatment for at the time as well.

 

She's had to learn to put the past in the past...and enjoy today.

[donnamaybe]

An OP is only borrowing a bird that belongs to someone else. It is not in your hand. Morally or legally.

Besides, how can it be "in your hand" when apparently no one "owns" anyone else?

[Spark1111]

How true this statement is. As much as I felt like I was evening the score with my H I also know now that I helped taint my M as well. Not a good thing. Not at all.

 

This is of interest to me, LD.....

 

My H was really angry at himself and I was growing frustrated with his depression and poor me attitude....

 

I think he sought to blame me, or at least punish me, for what he PERCEIVED was a lack of love or attention on my part....when in reality, he was truly angry at himself.

 

Some projection there.

 

So who does he choose as his OW? A woman also angry, bitter almost, at her xH who married his last AP.

 

It tainted everything he held dear....and it only works because the only person in the world who would encourage you on that path is none other....than your AP!

[OWoman]

The BS (xW) in my situation became an OW to a MM she works with...I think that once the pandaora's box of infidelity is opened, it's hard to shut it. For a BS who would otherwise have never thought infidelity would touch her, I can see why once the door is opened, the OW country of cheating looks less threatening and foreign.

 

Sometimes this works the other way around. The BS (now xW) in my situation was first a WS. While she had absolutely no moral qualms shagging around on her BH, she was completely outraged when it happened TO HER. It wasn't that she thought infidelity was wrong - she'd never had a moment's regret for her own; it was that she thought it was wrong FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT TO HER.

[OWoman]

Besides, how can it be "in your hand" when apparently no one "owns" anyone else?

 

It can be in your hand if he unzips and places it there. It's called a hand-job.

[Owl]

Sometimes this works the other way around. The BS (now xW) in my situation was first a WS. While she had absolutely no moral qualms shagging around on her BH, she was completely outraged when it happened TO HER. It wasn't that she thought infidelity was wrong - she'd never had a moment's regret for her own; it was that she thought it was wrong FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT TO HER.

 

Which is proof that there are sociopaths out there...or at least people that clearly have mental disorders.

 

However, I would offer that this (hopefully) isn't true of most BS's. (And if it's true for most...then hopefully not ME? )

[donnamaybe]

It can be in your hand if he unzips and places it there. It's called a hand-job.

Now THIS one is worthy of the hall of fame.

[OWoman]

Which is proof that there are sociopaths out there...or at least people that clearly have mental disorders.

 

However, I would offer that this (hopefully) isn't true of most BS's. (And if it's true for most...then hopefully not ME? )

 

Perhaps, more typically, a WS who becomes a BS gains a perspective which allows them to understand their own former behaviour in a new light?

 

Certainly having been a WS has given my H a new perspective on infidelity that he didn't have from his youthful days as an OM. I don't see him going down that road again - nor any of the other roles in the triangle!