Cheated on Women Go on to become OW?

[jennie-jennie]

Just curious Jennie...do your children also know that he's married to someone else and seeing you without her knowledge?

 

Yes, they do.

[jennie-jennie]

thomasb probably didn't think he was doing a "stupid thing" during his A either.

 

Based on what I remember of his posts, I actually think he did.

 

You know, it is the going against your morals thing, which a lot of now reformed WS/OP did during their affair.

[donnamaybe]

Based on what I remember of his posts, I actually think he did.

 

You know, it is the going against your morals thing, which a lot of now reformed WS/OP did during their affair.

And now thomasb is using his example to teach his children that pushing the boundaries of one's own personal integrity - pretending for a time to be alright with deceit for one's personal pleasure - can lead down a dark road.

[thomasb]

Based on what I remember of his posts, I actually think he did.

 

You know, it is the going against your morals thing, which a lot of now reformed WS/OP did during their affair.

 

 

Not sure where you got the three week thing from. But my sons knew before I told my wife. And trust me, that is not a good thing to have to face up to

. By the way, if you are so proud of your actions, JJ why do you feel the need to hide it from your children? I wanted to shout to the rooftops that I loved my wife. The only relationship I felt needed hidden was the OW, because of my shame.

[jennie-jennie]

Not sure where you got the three week thing from. But my sons knew before I told my wife. And trust me, that is not a good thing to have to face up to

. By the way, if you are so proud of your actions, JJ why do you feel the need to hide it from your children? I wanted to shout to the rooftops that I loved my wife. The only relationship I felt needed hidden was the OW, because of my shame.

 

You got me confused with someone else. EVERYBODY close to me, be they family or friends, know of my relationship with my MM. My children and my siblings even tell it to their friends as a cool story of past loves having reconnected.

[thomasb]

You got me confused with someone else. EVERYBODY close to me, be they family or friends, know of my relationship with my MM. My children and my siblings even tell it to their friends as a cool story of past loves having reconnected.

 

 

 

Cool... wow. Not too cool is being with a cheater in my books. And being actually proud of it... wow.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Why would you want to carry on all the dysfunction you went through??? You obviously realize that you were in a dysfunctional family...met dysfunctional guys...blah blah blah...why carry that on to your children?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

That's great! and his--what, 6 kids?--- know about you and talk about your great love as well?

 

 

For real....what a huge dysfunctional mess! Must be such a great wonderful love that he won't even leave the evil wife for. How twisted is that? I can only imagine what the family thinks...oh but then again...their dysfunctional...

[jennie-jennie]

Why would you want to carry on all the dysfunction you went through??? You obviously realize that you were in a dysfunctional family...met dysfunctional guys...blah blah blah...why carry that on to your children?

 

Interestingly our children are the mentally and emotionally healthiest in that generation of both my family and their father's family. Likely because he and I have struggled all our adult lives to deal with our dysfunctionality, through AA, Al-Anon, individual counseling and family counseling.

 

It is the children of my MM I am worried about, not my children. His children are likely to become WSs, BSs and APs. They have a perfect role model in how to keep together a marriage for the marriage's sake right in front of them. They have not seen their parents deal with the difficulties in life. All they have seen is their parents putting up a front of "doing the right thing".

[NoIDidn't]

This is way off-topic, but confusing as I read this thread. Thomasb said his children knew of his A, and Jennie-Jennie seemed shocked that the children would know and yet states that her children know that she is with a MM. Then there is the issue of the time period. Its already been stated that his affair was much longer than three weeks, so that was probably an attempt at a dig for his affair to not have been "real" or long enough to have impacted his family.

 

But is this shock towards the time period or the fact that the kids know about it. Considering the fact that a MM is around an OWs children and they know that he's married, it can't be because of the affair in front of the children thing. It has to be related to the time period. At least in my thinking.

 

On-topic, good topic Spark. My next post will actually be contributing to the topic. Apologies.

[jennie-jennie]

This is way off-topic, but confusing as I read this thread. Thomasb said his children knew of his A, and Jennie-Jennie seemed shocked that the children would know and yet states that her children know that she is with a MM. Then there is the issue of the time period. Its already been stated that his affair was much longer than three weeks, so that was probably an attempt at a dig for his affair to not have been "real" or long enough to have impacted his family.

 

But is this shock towards the time period or the fact that the kids know about it. Considering the fact that a MM is around an OWs children and they know that he's married, it can't be because of the affair in front of the children thing. It has to be related to the time period. At least in my thinking.

 

On-topic, good topic Spark. My next post will actually be contributing to the topic. Apologies.

 

I thought thomasb's affair was three weeks. Or was it less? I clearly remember it being a very short time period.

 

Anyway, thomasb never loved his OW. He always loved his wife. He deeply regrets and is ashamed about ever participating in the affair. It seems to have been mostly just sex. Not something I would tell my kids about.

 

It's more or less the equivalent of telling your kids you had a one night stand.

[NoIDidn't]

I think the cynical view that "they aren't the first and certainly won't be the last people cheated on" is the accurate one.

 

People in affairs tend to think the betrayed should just pull themselves up and get over the fact that their spouse no longer wants them. They figure they finally found someone for themselves, regardless of the other people (often children and extended family) that get hurt in the process. And they figure those people will "get over it" too. Most people are far too polite to tell them to their faces that they know what they did and are disgusted by it if the affair turns into a public relationship.

 

I don't mean to come off as if I hate either of these players, just that what I described above is often the mentality of the vast majority of cheaters and cheater accomplices that I have encountered. Especially if the OW in question was a BW that was left for the OW. Hell hath no fury....and it usually gets taken out on an innocent relationship to give them back the self-esteem they once had.

 

Then there is also the "I didn't hate the OW in my case" story as well given by many a current OW that used to be a BW. What comes through from that statement is that they didn't hate her but they ENVIED her and wanted to be able to do what SHE did - take someone's spouse from them as they lost theirs.

 

At least, that's my take on it.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

This is way off-topic, but confusing as I read this thread. Thomasb said his children knew of his A, and Jennie-Jennie seemed shocked that the children would know and yet states that her children know that she is with a MM. Then there is the issue of the time period. Its already been stated that his affair was much longer than three weeks, so that was probably an attempt at a dig for his affair to not have been "real" or long enough to have impacted his family.

 

But is this shock towards the time period or the fact that the kids know about it. Considering the fact that a MM is around an OWs children and they know that he's married, it can't be because of the affair in front of the children thing. It has to be related to the time period. At least in my thinking.

 

On-topic, good topic Spark. My next post will actually be contributing to the topic. Apologies.

 

The only thing I'm shocked about is yes the fact that the kids know..and that its being minimized so badly..that JJ seems to think his kids are going to have issues later on in life...and not hers?

[NoIDidn't]

I thought thomasb's affair was three weeks. Or was it less? I clearly remember it being a very short time period.

 

Anyway, thomasb never loved his OW. He always loved his wife. He deeply regrets and is ashamed about ever participating in the affair. It seems to have been mostly just sex. Not something I would tell my kids about.

 

It's more or less the equivalent of telling your kids you had a one night stand.

 

This doesn't answer the question directly. Basically you were digging him for your incorrect assumption that his affair was only a few weeks. So it was about the time period.

 

Everyone's values are different. Some people want to be honest with their kids and let them know that a one night stand is not acceptable either.

 

And even when told that you were incorrect in that assumption, you haven't apologized to him but continue to justify it by further minimizing his affair.

 

Interesting. Revealing.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

You got me confused with someone else. EVERYBODY close to me, be they family or friends, know of my relationship with my MM. My children and my siblings even tell it to their friends as a cool story of past loves having reconnected.

 

That is seriously scary! This isnt some long lost love story they should be parading about at school to anyone about. Reconnection is one thing..having an affair...totally different scenario. So your bascially teaching your kids..its okay!?

[jennie-jennie]

Originally posted by thomasb:

HAL, Are you telling me that you have never heard of a FWB situation? Happens alot more than you think, and after the first drunken mistake, it was exactly what she suggested we do. After the first week I only spent a couple more trying to get out of it before I told my wife the truth. I just felt to sick about the whole thing to go on anymore. She was enraged I think because I told my wife who then informed everybody in our circle.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3020283&postcount=294

 

The above post speaks pretty much for itself.

[fooled once]

Does anyone else see a pattern here?

 

So many posters who are currently having affairs, or have had one, have a story of having been cheated on in a past relationship. Or a parent's story.

 

I would think having experienced the devastating pain of that experience would make a person MORE inclined to NOT help enable any MP to do to their spouse what had been done to them, or one of their parents.

 

Yet, over and over again, many OW/OM seem impervious regarding helping to inflict the same pain on an unsuspecting wife or husband.

 

Why do you think that is?

 

Do you think it's about empowerment? Competition? Or more a jaded view as in, "I survived it, so he/she will too?

 

Do you think the failure of a past relationship devastated by infidelity has created, in some, an insecurity that is masked by false bravado? A devil-may-care attitude? Every man/woman for themselves?

 

This is very hard to wrap my head around.

 

Thoughts?

 

Interesting post. I haven't been a BS. I haven't been a WS.

 

I think it is competition and "I survived, so will he/she".

 

I personally don't buy the whole "I had a bad/dysfunctional childhood, therefore I am dysfunctional".

 

I was the first in my family to divorce. Then my brother divorced. Our parents are happily married almost 50 years.

 

My H came from parents who have been married over 50 years. He is the only one to divorce.

 

I think people make excuses for what they do and blame their past. Just my view.

 

It is very hard for myself to wrap my head around this too, still can't. I guess it was a feeling of entitlement. I felt entitled to have an A when my H had already had one. An eye for an eye. I did not think of the consequences nor care at the time. I felt like I was ready to leave my M. As far as my XOM's long-term girlfriend. It is sad, but I did not think about her at all. I do now because she does not know her boyfriend cheated on her. I feel the reason I am keeping my A from my H is because he has not given me full truths, so I do not feel I owe him my truth. I guess you can say I have sweeped it all under the rug (and I know this is not a popular view here as far as R). For some reason we seem to be communicating better, more emotionally bonded, and more sex. I do believe my H's A's were a definite reaction to our sex life being in the dumps.

 

I believe my A was about empowerment in the beginning, when my XOM ended with me that empowerment was ripped out from under me. Now I was left to focus on my battered marriage and a rejected heart and ego.

 

Not an easy situation to digest at all. I really would take it all back in a second if I could. I probably would still be hating and resenting my H though. I probably would have left him. I am happy that we are still together though. I take it day by day. Who knows I'm sure one day the truths will come out, but then again maybe not.

 

Oh I should add that I came from a family in which my mother had multiple A's. This also made me think well if she did it so can I. Talk about some screwed up thinking

 

Thank you so much LD for being so open and honest with your post and your thoughts. YOU are awesome!

 

Not only was it not a dig:confused: It is the truth. Any actions that we take and it conflicts with something within us there is dissonance. Whether it is eating too many calories, saying something you know will hurt someone or an affair. Different levels of actions....yes. But all have the potential to cause angst.

 

We all do it. (ex. I speed because everyone else is doing it.) it is a form of rationalizing why I never drive the speed limit. Your situation isn't unique enough to me and I would suspect others to warrant a "dig" you aren't the center of my thought process. I commented on "my" situation and then made an observation.

 

Agree

 

Again I spoke of MY situtation. Then added MY opinion based on tested theories. We (maybe not YOU) as a human race rationalize our behavior, good, bad or otherwise. As evidenced by LD post and even yours in attacking me. Sheesh...you are not the center of the universe.

 

 

Do I believe the first (being cheated on by my first husband) precipitated the subsequent 2 incidents? Well, it wasn't the sole cause, but it was definitely a contributing factor. I felt undesired/undesirable and came from an extremely messed-up family that also made me feel pretty crappy about myself. So, looking back, I can see that what I was looking for was both validation and power.

 

Of course, neither of those incidents helped at all . I ended up feeling even worse about myself, as then I couldn't even feel that I had stayed true to my self and my own beliefs of right and wrong. After I returned to my own center and refocused my life and priorities I slowly began to realize that validation didn't come from outside and strength didn't have to be exerted negatively to be powerful. I guess I finally grew up .

 

I agree with the looking for validation.

 

This doesn't answer the question directly. Basically you were digging him for your incorrect assumption that his affair was only a few weeks. So it was about the time period.

 

Everyone's values are different. Some people want to be honest with their kids and let them know that a one night stand is not acceptable either.

 

And even when told that you were incorrect in that assumption, you haven't apologized to him but continue to justify it by further minimizing his affair.

 

Interesting. Revealing.

 

Agreed. I have seen other examples of being told the poster was wrong, yet no apology forthcoming. Now I just learn to ignore.

 

BACK ON TOPIC - I would have presumed, prior to reading on LS, that people who were cheated on would NOT want to be the OW. My eyes have been opened in that it seems like it is almost the thing to do. Get cheated on, exact revenge and become the OW/Mistress - or cheaters accomplice (that made me laugh when I read it!)

 

I think women as a whole have some competitive natures - worse than men. I think many women don't care about hurting innocent parties. I also would never presume to judge another person's marriage and what goes on in their homes and how their kids are raised unless I am actually IN the home raising the kids. To imply that children are being shown all the time what a bad marriage is because the father is cheating with someone who he really loves, versus his wife at home, is kinda silly since the OW has no idea what is going on in the home and how the interaction is between the husband and wife. They can only go by what they are told by the cheating MM ... there is no way he is going to tell his OW that he and his wife have this great loving relationship and his kids are living in a loving, committed household. To do so would not give the OW hope and not give him access to her.

 

In no way do I think 2 people who are miserable should stay married - and especially NOT for the kids. Heck, that is a huge disservice TO the kids. If one of the married people loves someone else, set the marital partner free and go be with that person. This is why I believe if a person loved a woman, he would move mountains to be with her. Isn't that what GEL's H did? Isn't that what OW's H did?

 

By the same token, there are many BS's on here whose H chose to remain married and dumped/left the OW. And those marriage are happy, recovered marriages. They became that way through time, forgiveness and love.

 

Life is too damn short to stay in an unhappy marriage/relationship.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Interesting post. I haven't been a BS. I haven't been a WS.

 

I think it is competition and "I survived, so will he/she".

 

I personally don't buy the whole "I had a bad/dysfunctional childhood, therefore I am dysfunctional".

 

I was the first in my family to divorce. Then my brother divorced. Our parents are happily married almost 50 years.

 

My H came from parents who have been married over 50 years. He is the only one to divorce.

 

I think people make excuses for what they do and blame their past. Just my view.

 

 

 

Thank you so much LD for being so open and honest with your post and your thoughts. YOU are awesome!

 

 

 

Agree

 

 

 

 

 

 

I agree with the looking for validation.

 

 

 

Agreed. I have seen other examples of being told the poster was wrong, yet no apology forthcoming. Now I just learn to ignore.

 

BACK ON TOPIC - I would have presumed, prior to reading on LS, that people who were cheated on would NOT want to be the OW. My eyes have been opened in that it seems like it is almost the thing to do. Get cheated on, exact revenge and become the OW/Mistress - or cheaters accomplice (that made me laugh when I read it!)

 

I think women as a whole have some competitive natures - worse than men. I think many women don't care about hurting innocent parties. I also would never presume to judge another person's marriage and what goes on in their homes and how their kids are raised unless I am actually IN the home raising the kids. To imply that children are being shown all the time what a bad marriage is because the father is cheating with someone who he really loves, versus his wife at home, is kinda silly since the OW has no idea what is going on in the home and how the interaction is between the husband and wife. They can only go by what they are told by the cheating MM ... there is no way he is going to tell his OW that he and his wife have this great loving relationship and his kids are living in a loving, committed household. To do so would not give the OW hope and not give him access to her.

 

In no way do I think 2 people who are miserable should stay married - and especially NOT for the kids. Heck, that is a huge disservice TO the kids. If one of the married people loves someone else, set the marital partner free and go be with that person. This is why I believe if a person loved a woman, he would move mountains to be with her. Isn't that what GEL's H did? Isn't that what OW's H did?

 

By the same token, there are many BS's on here whose H chose to remain married and dumped/left the OW. And those marriage are happy, recovered marriages. They became that way through time, forgiveness and love.

 

Life is too damn short to stay in an unhappy marriage/relationship.

 

Very well said FooledOnce! Everything bolded is what would be the norm I would assume. I agree 100 percent with this.

[jennie-jennie]

This is how simple it is.

 

Some women fell in love with my exSOs. Some women had one night stands with my exSOs. (I figure they were horny. )

 

I fell in love once again with a man from my past.

 

There's no need to make it any more complicated than that.

 

It's simple really, all about lust and love.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

This is how simple it is.

 

Some women fell in love with my exSOs. Some women had one night stands with my exSOs. (I figure they were horny. )

 

I fell in love once again with a man from my past.

 

There's no need to make it any more complicated than that.

 

It's simple really, all about lust and love.

 

 

Right...until his wife finds out..then come talk to us!

[thomasb]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3020283&postcount=294

 

The above post speaks pretty much for itself.

 

 

It was a bit longer, Jennie. And irregardless, anyone who thinks kids are heedless are wrong. Especially teens. They watch and learn from you all the time. Do you realize the percentage of smokers who had parents who smoked.

[jennie-jennie]

It was a bit longer, Jennie. And irregardless, anyone who thinks kids are heedless are wrong. Especially teens. They watch and learn from you all the time. Do you realize the percentage of smokers who had parents who smoked.

 

What my kids see is me being faithful to the man I love who in turn is faithful to me but is hesitant of breaking up the home of his children.

 

All my daughters have wonderful boyfriends and tend to stay in long term relationships. And this is in a country where the norm is that most teenage girls screw around a lot, but my girls don't.

[2themoon&back]

Does anyone else see a pattern here?

 

So many posters who are currently having affairs, or have had one, have a story of having been cheated on in a past relationship. Or a parent's story.

 

I would think having experienced the devastating pain of that experience would make a person MORE inclined to NOT help enable any MP to do to their spouse what had been done to them, or one of their parents.

 

Yet, over and over again, many OW/OM seem impervious regarding helping to inflict the same pain on an unsuspecting wife or husband.

 

Why do you think that is?

 

Do you think it's about empowerment? Competition? Or more a jaded view as in, "I survived it, so he/she will too?

 

Do you think the failure of a past relationship devastated by infidelity has created, in some, an insecurity that is masked by false bravado? A devil-may-care attitude? Every man/woman for themselves?

 

This is very hard to wrap my head around.

 

Thoughts?

 

I think this is a good question, one that does not have an answer, but a good question all the same.

 

I tend to think things are never that black and white. I do not think people think that clearly when making a decision that they may regret later.

 

Regret comes with hindsight, not foresight.

 

I also do not believe that most people are that calculating or intentional, in their decision making in this arena, I think most people “feel” a certain way in that moment and do things to fix, change, or make it better in that moment, I do not think all of those thoughts (the devastating pain of that experience would make a person MORE inclined to NOT help enable any MP to do to their spouse what had been done to them, or one of their parents) come into play again until much later/after the fact.

 

We all make decisions that at one time or the other …that we “should” have known the outcome before the action, why do we do it anyway… a million reasons and I say reasons because that is what we are talking about.

 

I do not think reasons are excuses until we use our reasons to “defend” our choices.

 

I don’t know if this was helpful in anyway, but I am glad you asked the question.

[thomasb]

What my kids see is me being faithful to the man I love who in turn is faithful to me but is hesitant of breaking up the home of his children.

 

All my daughters have wonderful boyfriends and tend to stay in long term relationships. And this is in a country where the norm is that most teenage girls screw around a lot, but my girls don't.

 

MM and being faithful... kind of an oxymoron, don't you think!

[jennie-jennie]

MM and being faithful... kind of an oxymoron, don't you think!

 

We have an agreement of exclusivity, and we are both sticking to it.

 

There are a lot of MM out there who don't have sex with their wives because that feels like cheating on their OW.