Owl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 [/b] This is an interesting point OWL. ANd I wonder what could cause this? Dysfunctional family? Aren't most families dealing with a dysfunction of some kind from time to time? So is it choosing dysfunctional relationships, or is more like, well my first H cheated on me all the time so now....what does it matter if I do it too? It could be either, or both. It could be choosing dysfunctional relationships...or it could be bringing your own dysfunction (like lack of empathy for the betrayed) into the next relationship with you.
Owl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Picking dysfunctional partners is an entirely different discussion point compared to feeling as though a partner's infidelity is one's own fault. Jennie said: I too never saw my exSOs' infidelity as a reflection on me. She never said she felt her H's choice to cheat was her own fault...nor am I saying that. I'm suggesting that her self-described trait to enter into dysfunctional relationships may have been why she found herself in a relationship with someone who cheated on her. Someone who's dysfunction was a reflection on her trait to pick dysfunctional partners/relationships. My discussion point was directly related to the topic at hand. It suggests a potential reason WHY some women go on from being a BW to an OW, and it appeared to me that Jennie's post pointed out an example of what I was talking about. I personally feel that the decision to cheat on one's spouse is ENTIRELY the responsibility of the WS who makes that choice. I'm not saying that Jennie is responsible for her first H's choice to cheat. I'm suggesting that she got involved with a dysfunctional man who chose to cheat because that's a pattern she herself noticed in her choices in partners/relationships.
Silly_Girl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Owl, I think we're saying the same thing, but you expanded on it.
thomasb Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 This is NOW of a concern to me: How will my H infidelity affect my three children and their lives and future relationships? Spark, I also have worried about how my behavior will affect my step-children. Over the years I've had innumerable discussions with them about just how wrong it was. How it affected their mother and I. I hope I have explained to them just how horrible it makes you feel about yourself for doing it. I don't wish for them to make the same mistakes I did.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Yes. And no. There are lots of other factors at play also. If people were destined to be only one way in only one relationship, all cheaters would remain cheaters and no one with a failed relationship behind them (that they contributed to) could possibly go on to have a successful relationship. And I don't believe either of those statements to be true. So your bf..or whatever you wanna call him had 12 affairs in 8 years...and you seem to think if you wind up with him...he'd magically become faithful??? Please tell me I'm missing something here........
BB07 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 So your bf..or whatever you wanna call him had 12 affairs in 8 years...and you seem to think if you wind up with him...he'd magically become faithful??? Please tell me I'm missing something here........ I believe SG was speaking of her ex.........not her bf.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I believe SG was speaking of her ex.........not her bf. Ahhh...ok..that makes sense. Thanks BB
jennie-jennie Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 OK, I'm a little confused here. How do you go from this: ...to this: In the first post, you indicated that you realize that you tend to pick dysfunctional partners due to your own dysfunctional background. You chose a dysnfunctional partner who cheated on you. Infidelity is dysfunctional. Cheating in a marriage is a clear sign of someone who is either dysfunctional himself or involved in a dysfunctional relationship. Interestingly enough, this is a trait that your current MM clearly shares with your exSO. Given all that you've discussed here about OM "making changes"...to me at least it indicates that some large percentage of the dysfunction falls squarely on his shoulders. So your exSO's infidelity itself may not be a reflection of you...but could well indeed be a reflection on the kind of men you choose as partners. It's just another form of dysfunction. I wonder if this is a common factor among many BW turned OW? That there's a history of choosing dysfunctional relationships? Picking dysfunctional partners is an entirely different discussion point compared to feeling as though a partner's infidelity is one's own fault. Exactly. What Silly Girl said. Owl, my exSOs were serial cheaters, their infidelity was part of their addictive patterns: sexual addiction. This is something completely different than the infidelity of my MM. It is so different there is no sense in comparing it. I know, because I have experienced both: the serial cheater addicted to sex and the MM engaged in a long term extramarital relationship with a deep level of emotional commitment. [/b] This is an interesting point OWL. ANd I wonder what could cause this? Dysfunctional family? Aren't most families dealing with a dysfunction of some kind from time to time? So is it choosing dysfunctional relationships, or is more like, well my first H cheated on me all the time so now....what does it matter if I do it too? Spark, while my exSOs cheated on me, I was totally honest towards my second SO about my relationship with MM. He knew about it from our first reconnection, he knew I was having parallel relationships with him and my MM. Why would another person's dishonesty make me believe I have the right to be dishonest? Honesty has to do with my integrity, I don't trade in my integrity because someone has been unfaithful to me.
jennie-jennie Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Jennie said: She never said she felt her H's choice to cheat was her own fault...nor am I saying that. I'm suggesting that her self-described trait to enter into dysfunctional relationships may have been why she found herself in a relationship with someone who cheated on her. Someone who's dysfunction was a reflection on her trait to pick dysfunctional partners/relationships. My discussion point was directly related to the topic at hand. It suggests a potential reason WHY some women go on from being a BW to an OW, and it appeared to me that Jennie's post pointed out an example of what I was talking about. I personally feel that the decision to cheat on one's spouse is ENTIRELY the responsibility of the WS who makes that choice. I'm not saying that Jennie is responsible for her first H's choice to cheat. I'm suggesting that she got involved with a dysfunctional man who chose to cheat because that's a pattern she herself noticed in her choices in partners/relationships. Oh, there were a lot more dysfunctional patterns in my two exSOs than just serial cheating/sexual addiction. Especially with my second SO, infidelity actually played a minor role compared to his other addictions. With my MM "doing the right thing" is the major problem. See it is staying married that I see as my MM's dysfunctional problem, not our relationship. It is his wish to be the good guy that prevents him from getting a divorce.
OWoman Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 This is NOW of a concern to me: How will my H infidelity affect my three children and their lives and future relationships? Research has shown that children of D are significantly more likely to D themselves (I can't remember the percentages - but it was a reputable study) and IME that's been pretty true - my grandparents, parents and myself and my siblings have all Dd; on my H's side, his parents Dd and so has he. Whether or not our kids go on to repeat that, only time will tell - my kids have shown no signs of M (thank god) and his are still too young. Does infidelity follow a similar pattern? I wouldn't be surprised, but I've not seen any reputable studies of this. Anecdotally, I'm sure one's parents Rs, however they pan out, can't but influence one's own (positively or negatively!) but I'd guess the lessons learned aren't always the obvious ones. How parents respond to situations are probably more significant than the details of the situations themselves. If they see the parents responding positively, with strength and integrity, the lessons are more likely to be positive ones, IMO, whatever the cause, while parents responding poorly are likely to spawn negative lessons.
jennie-jennie Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Spark, I also have worried about how my behavior will affect my step-children. Over the years I've had innumerable discussions with them about just how wrong it was. How it affected their mother and I. I hope I have explained to them just how horrible it makes you feel about yourself for doing it. I don't wish for them to make the same mistakes I did. Your step-children know of your 3-week affair?
donnamaybe Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Your step-children know of your 3-week affair? Why? Don't your children know of yours?
Silly_Girl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 So your bf..or whatever you wanna call him had 12 affairs in 8 years...and you seem to think if you wind up with him...he'd magically become faithful??? Please tell me I'm missing something here........ Different person!
Owl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Oh, there were a lot more dysfunctional patterns in my two exSOs than just serial cheating/sexual addiction. Especially with my second SO, infidelity actually played a minor role compared to his other addictions. With my MM "doing the right thing" is the major problem. See it is staying married that I see as my MM's dysfunctional problem, not our relationship. It is his wish to be the good guy that prevents him from getting a divorce. I can understand that first part... The second paragraph is where we'll have to disagree. Starting a relationship (and then maintaining that relationship for years) while still in and remaining in a prior committed relationship is the dysfunctional part. I simply can't agree that its because he's such a "good guy". He simply doesn't care enough about you or his wife to truly take the action needed to rectify the situation. It's not picking EITHER staying married OR staying in the affair that's the dysfunctional part to me...not one or the other relationship. I'm sure that YOU feel that the marriage is the dysfunctional part. I'd bet his wife would feel that the affair was the dysfunctional part. As the disinterested guy on the internet...I see the INTENTIONAL CHOICE TO MAINTAIN BOTH as the dysfunctional part, rather than the relationships themselves. But...back to the topic at hand...would you feel that your 'habit' (for lack of a better word...no insult intended here) of dysfunctional relationships played a factor in going from BW to OW in any fashion?
OWoman Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Why? Don't your children know of yours? My kids certainly didn't know of any 3 week Rs I may have had. Or any Rs, for that matter, beyond the one with my H - and only at the point at which we decided to M. Perhaps we parent differently, by IMO my sex life is none of their (or anyone else's) business.
donnamaybe Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 My kids certainly didn't know of any 3 week Rs I may have had. Or any Rs, for that matter, beyond the one with my H - and only at the point at which we decided to M. Perhaps we parent differently, by IMO my sex life is none of their (or anyone else's) business.So apparently you didn't bring your MM to your house (back when you were seeing them) like other people do then. Smart move.
jennie-jennie Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I can understand that first part... The second paragraph is where we'll have to disagree. Starting a relationship (and then maintaining that relationship for years) while still in and remaining in a prior committed relationship is the dysfunctional part. I simply can't agree that its because he's such a "good guy". He simply doesn't care enough about you or his wife to truly take the action needed to rectify the situation. It's not picking EITHER staying married OR staying in the affair that's the dysfunctional part to me...not one or the other relationship. I'm sure that YOU feel that the marriage is the dysfunctional part. I'd bet his wife would feel that the affair was the dysfunctional part. As the disinterested guy on the internet...I see the INTENTIONAL CHOICE TO MAINTAIN BOTH as the dysfunctional part, rather than the relationships themselves. But...back to the topic at hand...would you feel that your 'habit' (for lack of a better word...no insult intended here) of dysfunctional relationships played a factor in going from BW to OW in any fashion? Alike children play the best. I come from a dysfunctional family. I choose partners from dysfunctional families. My partners have thus suffered from different kinds of dysfunctional patterns. Two of them suffered from sexual addiction among other addictions. One of them suffers from being addicted do "doing the right thing", thus staying married and being unfaithful to his spouse. I see no reason why any of them could not just have suffered from dysfunctional patterns which had nothing to do with infidelity, just like my father is a workaholic. To me the common denominator is not the infidelity, it is the dysfunction. Understand? Thus it is just a coincidence that I went from BS to OW. Had my MM been from my culture instead of a different culture, he would have been divorced by now. He would still be dysfunctional, because he is a workaholic as well.
Silly_Girl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Your step-children know of your 3-week affair? That strikes me as really odd... Goes to show how very differently we all parent, and helps explain why we are all such extremely different individuals.
jennie-jennie Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Why? Don't your children know of yours? No, they don't know of any short term infidelities I have had.
donnamaybe Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 No, they don't know of any short term infidelities I have had.Your question to thomasb seems to indicate you feel showing children an A situation is wrong. Therefore, it seems that it would be a better example to show children that a parent realizes their error after a short time rather than showing them a long term continuing A situation.
Silly_Girl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Your question to thomasb seems to indicate you feel showing children an A situation is wrong. Therefore, it seems that it would be a better example to show children that a parent realizes their error after a short time rather than showing them a long term continuing A situation. Adding a second situation for comparison does not justify the first one. I have an issue with both, as it goes!
donnamaybe Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Adding a second situation for comparison does not justify the first one. I have an issue with both, as it goes! No, it doesn't. I agree. It just came across as rather hypocritical for someone who is showing their children a long drawn out A situation to make a face at someone else whose children saw a short term one.
jennie-jennie Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Your question to thomasb seems to indicate you feel showing children an A situation is wrong. Therefore, it seems that it would be a better example to show children that a parent realizes their error after a short time rather than showing them a long term continuing A situation. You know my opinions well enough to know that what you state is not true of me. Good try though! I have done a lot of stupid things in my life that I do not reveal to my children. Having had a 3-week affair which I deeply regret would certainly be among those things not suited for my children's ears. My relationship with my MM is one of the most precious relationships I have ever had. Of course I share the joy of that with my children! It is such a big part of my life! You know he is "the man that makes mom happy!"
donnamaybe Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 thomasb probably didn't think he was doing a "stupid thing" during his A either.
Owl Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Just curious Jennie...do your children also know that he's married to someone else and seeing you without her knowledge?
Recommended Posts