Cheated on Women Go on to become OW?

[ladydesigner]

Thanks for this honesty, LD. You have written often about the choices you made and why you made them.

 

I can see how one would think a revenge affair could be empowering initially. And thinking Mom did it, so can I, might play into more scenarios than one could imagine.

 

Another dynamic counselors would explore with women is: How did Daddy treat you? Was distant towards us kids. Was he there for you? He was but not ususally in a supportive way. Loving, kind and supportive? No No and No. He was only loving on days he felt like, but was not consistent. Or was he cold, distant, and critical? He was cold, distant, and EXTREMELY critical.

 

That becomes the paradigm of a woman's future relationship with men; her expectations of what is and isn't acceptable.

 

...but that may be another thread!

 

I answered those questions in bold. They were awesome questions Spark. I have always dated men who were either commitment phobic or just plain unavailable. Every man I have had long relationships with have cheated. So not a great track record with men.

[jennie-jennie]

I see no connection for me at all. The individuals, the places, the circumstances, the background, the history, the ages and personalities of the people involved, the types of behaviour, everything - all different.

 

I never saw my ex-bf's failings as a reflection on me, always FIRMLY a reflection on him.

I had plenty of chances to cheat on my ex and never did.

 

Not all people who are cheated on to go on cheat, or be with a cheater. Lots of people never confess to either.

 

I totally agree with the bolded above. I too never saw my exSOs' infidelity as a reflection on me.

[Spark1111]

I haven't read the thread yet - am responding to the original post.

 

I - very disgustingly - have to admit that after I was cheated on by my first husband, I went on to have an affair with a married man. I also, in turn, cheated on a long term lover (post 1st marriage).

 

Do I believe the first (being cheated on by my first husband) precipitated the subsequent 2 incidents? Well, it wasn't the sole cause, but it was definitely a contributing factor. I felt undesired/undesirable and came from an extremely messed-up family that also made me feel pretty crappy about myself. So, looking back, I can see that what I was looking for was both validation and power.

 

Of course, neither of those incidents helped at all . I ended up feeling even worse about myself, as then I couldn't even feel that I had stayed true to my self and my own beliefs of right and wrong. After I returned to my own center and refocused my life and priorities I slowly began to realize that validation didn't come from outside and strength didn't have to be exerted negatively to be powerful. I guess I finally grew up .

 

Thank your for this very honest post. I often wonder if validation and empowerment is more of a necessary component in some affairs than actual love or attraction.

 

Are you attracted and then fall in love with a person for the person?

 

Or are you attracted to feelings of validation and empowerment and fall in love with that?

 

Because many people end affairs and say, in time, WTF was I thinking? Him? Her? And that may go along way to explain a lot of the confusion so many experience afterwards.

[Spark1111]

I totally agree with the bolded above. I too never saw my exSOs' infidelity as a reflection on me.

 

SG, JJ, this interests me.....

 

Because you felt it was no reflection on you personally, do you assume the BS in your triangle will feel the same?

 

Do you then feel your MP's infidelity with you is firmly a reflection on him? In what way?

[threebyfate]

Haven't read anything beyond the opening post but my thoughts about this are that it's similar to the cycle of abuse or pedophilia within families. Some break free, others continue the cycle.

[Spark1111]

I answered those questions in bold. They were awesome questions Spark. I have always dated men who were either commitment phobic or just plain unavailable. Every man I have had long relationships with have cheated. So not a great track record with men.

 

They say a distant, critical and non-supportive daddy can create, at the very worst, a very low self-esteem woman; at it's least, it kind of warps your partner picker. We do tend to gravitate towards the familiar.

 

Either way, not the happiest outcome for one's relationships.

[Silly_Girl]

SG, JJ, this interests me.....

 

Because you felt it was no reflection on you personally, do you assume the BS in your triangle will feel the same?

 

Do you then feel your MP's infidelity with you is firmly a reflection on him? In what way?

 

I think my boyfriend's affair has a lot to do with him feeling neglected and unwanted, and because their relationship lacked sexual contact and any passion. And because his wife placed someone else before him within the marriage. He was faithful for many, many years. Respect was lost between them, in fact, respect was never a strong facet between them it seems. I can see reasons for him to become a cheat. I see that he tried for a very long time to 'settle' and be a dutiful husband.

 

I do HAVE to assert that some of it IS a reflection on him. His conflict avoidance is mainly what comes to mind here. He's not a total victim, he could (should) have done more to address his/their unhappiness, in my view.

 

On the other hand, my ex-bf was BPD and addicted to attention. The other women had an age range of approx 30 years between the oldest and youngest. They varied and many he didn't find attractive, he got off on the buzz, the lying, the thrill. He admitted it, after we split.

[pureinheart]

Does anyone else see a pattern here?

 

So many posters who are currently having affairs, or have had one, have a story of having been cheated on in a past relationship. Or a parent's story.

 

I would think having experienced the devastating pain of that experience would make a person MORE inclined to NOT help enable any MP to do to their spouse what had been done to them, or one of their parents.

 

Yet, over and over again, many OW/OM seem impervious regarding helping to inflict the same pain on an unsuspecting wife or husband.

 

Why do you think that is?

 

Do you think it's about empowerment? Competition? Or more a jaded view as in, "I survived it, so he/she will too?

 

Do you think the failure of a past relationship devastated by infidelity has created, in some, an insecurity that is masked by false bravado? A devil-may-care attitude? Every man/woman for themselves?

 

This is very hard to wrap my head around.

 

Thoughts?

 

For me, there is no correlation at all. I have never had to compete, although others have felt the need to compete with me. I have never needed a R to empower me.

 

I've survived a lot of things that I would not expect another person to even live through, we all have a breaking point, and they are not all the same.

 

I held/hold real strong convictions (for myself only) concerning infidelity, even with a bf/gf R...even if my friend had her eye on a guy I'd stay away, it was just never worth it to me as there are always a lot of guys.

 

With exDM, there was no diabolical scheme to steal him from his W because of past issues....for those who are not familiar with my story...he chased me for several years, for a long time I suggested he work it out with her, take her to dinner, rekindle the flame, whatever...he wanted nothing to do with my suggestions, he didn't go into detail, but he hated her (he did not say that, but his total attutde towards my suggestions lead me to believe he was not happy, to say it quite mildly).

 

I was very angry with his disdain towards his W and would not talk to him for quite sometime. We all got laid off and I went to VA and he aquired my email from a friend..I still tried, thinking I could minister to him...nope.

 

A few years later we got called back to work and exDM and myself worked together...he still had the same attitude concerning his M, so this time I told him to start stashing his money as time was short concerning this M. Later I began to have strong feelings for him (he did chase me, but that I think had little effect because I am the one that made the decision to care in that manor).

 

I knew his M was over and I was hoping someday he and I could have a life together because we seemed to work good together (I have since changed my mind).

 

This was my mistake, I was more concerned about him than I was myself. He was more concerned about him than he was me also, so I guess we did have a lot in common! I wanted what was best for him, if he could not handle D, then I wanted it to work, if he could then I wanted that...BUT, I lost me...now I have found me:).

 

I would say that the OW and FOW in this forum also donot/didnot have a diabolical plan of vindictive revenge, this does happen, but these ladies are priddy straight up....very well versed and quite intelligent.

[pureinheart]

I've not been betrayed, but I'm guessing here that in some cases it might have to do with an unconscious need to prove oneself desirable or worthy or whatever issue it was that the BW attributed at the time to her failings: "If only I'd been more XYZ, he wouldn't have cheated..." It's not rational, but thinking back to friends who've been BSs, at the time of discovery they all sought reasons within themselves to blame it on, as if somehow by doing things differently / being different, they could have prevented the A. Irrational, but understandable - a need to regain a sense of control. Perhaps by becoming the OW / WS, one is regaining that control - as an OW, by succeeding (in luring away a MM) where as a BS she'd "failed"...

 

I know as the child of a M which featured infidelity in its late stages, I was certainly affected by what I saw. My parents' M had been hell on wheels throughout, but the last while when my father had his A provided (one of them at least) with some happiness and a complete change for the better. it helped temper my cynicism about "love" and Rs and especially Ms, leading me to believe that happiness was sometimes possible in Rs albeit extremely unlikely within the confines of a M.

 

Bold...My need to regain control when it has been "lost", or a severe hurt is regained by cleaning my house.

 

I have dealt with all matters in this way. People have no control over me or my "order". Order is measured by the order of my house, car, business etc.. I think this is good to a degree, although have recently learned that I do need to confront my abusers.

 

Basically if all is in order in my life, then so am I, and people have little effect on me in the negative sense.

[pureinheart]

I don't know if it the case for all or even most ow. But in my situation, ow claims her ex. cheated on her...so I guess she was out to pay him back by coming into my life. I think it would be an interesting study...but I don't think we would get accurate results. We as humans like to view ourselves in the most positive light and we use too many rationalizations to explain away behavior that causes dissonance.

 

Maybe this was the case in your sitch as it is a brief description, although with my experience I never saw this as the case.

 

Second bold I strongly disagree as most have extremely low self esteems/self images and beat themselves up way too much.

 

I think telling it like it is can be considered as a rationalization...

[bentnotbroken]

Maybe this was the case in your sitch as it is a brief description, although with my experience I never saw this as the case.

 

Second bold I strongly disagree as most have extremely low self esteems/self images and beat themselves up way too much.

 

I think telling it like it is can be considered as a rationalization...

 

 

As I said in my situation. And if beating yourself up is an option(I have done the same thing)then beating someone else in the process shouldn't be an option( I beat others up when I felt bad too.) Hurting people hurt others and rationalization is a way to do that while spit shining one's self image.

[turnstone]

Cheating, it seems, is much like any abusive behavior and like any other abusive behavior, comes about many times through experience of abuse. Some that are abused go on, or remain, functional and do not abuse in turn, but many who experience abuse, through whatever form, do become abusers themselves, whether that be of themselves, or of others.

 

When one has reached the stage of giving oneself permission to act in such a dysfunctional way, a way that not only harms others, but harms oneself, then one has experienced some form of abuse. That may not necessarily be anything tangible, it could be as simple as not having learnt good self-esteem, or having learnt poor self-esteem. Either way, both states are indicative of unhealthy experiences and the inability to cope with them in a constructive way, or at least a way that does no further damage.

 

So yes, it would seem that those that have experienced abuse in the form of being cheated on have been given the foundations to go on and do the same thing, but only those unequipped to deal with the cheating appropriately will go on to cause further damage to themselves and/or others.

[OWoman]

Do you know BS CAN go through two psychological phases following DDAY?

 

One is as you stated: If only I had been x,y,z, this wouldn't have happened. Self-blame is a protective mechanism during PTSD; it is an effort to control out of control emotions. What do we seek to initially control? Ourselves. I think you made a very valid point here.

 

The other is blaming the OW. It sheilds us from hating the object of our love and trust, our WS, until we are strong enough to confront them.

 

This is interesting, and I'm fighting an urge to take the thread OT by asking follow-up questions on that... Perhaps I should start a spin-off thread?

 

I am happy your dad found happiness. Not all couples should stay married, IMO.

 

Thanks. It's deeply reassuring for me, being on the other side of the globe as he's hitting his decreptitude, knowing that he's happy and loved and in very good hands. I hope, in turn, my kids feel the same about me (minus the decreptitude bit )

[thomasb]

SG, JJ, this interests me.....

 

Because you felt it was no reflection on you personally, do you assume the BS in your triangle will feel the same?

 

Do you then feel your MP's infidelity with you is firmly a reflection on him? In what way?

 

Spark, this goes right back to the question of why the OP believes there is something wrong within the marriage to the BS or the cheating would not have happened. They simply cannot seem to understand that this works twofold.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Does anyone else see a pattern here?

 

So many posters who are currently having affairs, or have had one, have a story of having been cheated on in a past relationship. Or a parent's story.

 

I would think having experienced the devastating pain of that experience would make a person MORE inclined to NOT help enable any MP to do to their spouse what had been done to them, or one of their parents.

 

Yet, over and over again, many OW/OM seem impervious regarding helping to inflict the same pain on an unsuspecting wife or husband.

 

Why do you think that is?

 

Do you think it's about empowerment? Competition? Or more a jaded view as in, "I survived it, so he/she will too?

 

Do you think the failure of a past relationship devastated by infidelity has created, in some, an insecurity that is masked by false bravado? A devil-may-care attitude? Every man/woman for themselves?

 

This is very hard to wrap my head around.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

I would agree with this...according to this forum that does seem to be the case. Maybe its a sub-conscious decision within the OW...who knows. BUt I think it DOES have a lot to do with insecurity...and how being with a married man makes them feel secure? I have NOOOOOOOO idea!

 

Either way...its quite nausciating to think they would put themselves in that position..considering what they went through..and now to hear them make excuses for being in an invalid relationship with a married man..speaks volumes on how torn these women are. I can honestly say I feel sorry for most OW on this forum then the BS'S because as far as I can tell..they have zero esteem...I mean how can you when your just a part time lover in a relationship? Either way its twisted and I will never be able to wrap my head around it.

 

All I can say is IF I do end up splitting up with my man...there is no way in hell that I would lower myself to being number 2 in a relationship! Why would I? What's there to gain?

[jthorne]

Spark, this goes right back to the question of why the OP believes there is something wrong within the marriage to the BS or the cheating would not have happened. They simply cannot seem to understand that this works twofold.

No it doesn't. The OW that want to believe that the MM will eventually leave have to hold onto the fact that the M is crap. Otherwise, they have to admit that they are being used. Not saying this happens in all situations, though.

[aeh]

As for me, the thought of another woman being in the picture would be a total turnoff. However, I do think one of the early posters on this thread brought up the word "cynicism" and I think that hits the nail on the head. I did feel a HUUUGE cynicism towards love and marriage in general and could see how some after the trauma and damage of being a BS might have that general attitude with no respect for the institution of marriage and that leads them down that path....

[Owl]

OK, I'm a little confused here. How do you go from this:

 

All my boyfriends, including MM, have been from dysfunctional families of origin, as am I.

 

Had my MM not been from such a family, I am certain he would have gotten a divorce long ago.

 

I don't know if I will ever be completely functional (in opposite to dysfunctional) though, considering my family of origin, and thus I expect I will always have boyfriends with some degree of dysfunctionality.

 

...to this:

 

I totally agree with the bolded above. I too never saw my exSOs' infidelity as a reflection on me.

 

 

In the first post, you indicated that you realize that you tend to pick dysfunctional partners due to your own dysfunctional background.

 

You chose a dysnfunctional partner who cheated on you.

 

Infidelity is dysfunctional. Cheating in a marriage is a clear sign of someone who is either dysfunctional himself or involved in a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Interestingly enough, this is a trait that your current MM clearly shares with your exSO. Given all that you've discussed here about OM "making changes"...to me at least it indicates that some large percentage of the dysfunction falls squarely on his shoulders.

 

So your exSO's infidelity itself may not be a reflection of you...but could well indeed be a reflection on the kind of men you choose as partners. It's just another form of dysfunction.

 

I wonder if this is a common factor among many BW turned OW? That there's a history of choosing dysfunctional relationships?

[Silly_Girl]

OK, I'm a little confused here. How do you go from this:

 

...to this:

 

 

In the first post, you indicated that you realize that you tend to pick dysfunctional partners due to your own dysfunctional background.

 

You chose a dysnfunctional partner who cheated on you.

 

Infidelity is dysfunctional. Cheating in a marriage is a clear sign of someone who is either dysfunctional himself or involved in a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Interestingly enough, this is a trait that your current MM clearly shares with your exSO. Given all that you've discussed here about OM "making changes"...to me at least it indicates that some large percentage of the dysfunction falls squarely on his shoulders.

 

So your exSO's infidelity itself may not be a reflection of you...but could well indeed be a reflection on the kind of men you choose as partners. It's just another form of dysfunction.

 

I wonder if this is a common factor among many BW turned OW? That there's a history of choosing dysfunctional relationships?

 

Picking dysfunctional partners is an entirely different discussion point compared to feeling as though a partner's infidelity is one's own fault.

[dreamingoftigers]

Cheating, it seems, is much like any abusive behavior and like any other abusive behavior, comes about many times through experience of abuse. Some that are abused go on, or remain, functional and do not abuse in turn, but many who experience abuse, through whatever form, do become abusers themselves, whether that be of themselves, or of others.

 

When one has reached the stage of giving oneself permission to act in such a dysfunctional way, a way that not only harms others, but harms oneself, then one has experienced some form of abuse. That may not necessarily be anything tangible, it could be as simple as not having learnt good self-esteem, or having learnt poor self-esteem. Either way, both states are indicative of unhealthy experiences and the inability to cope with them in a constructive way, or at least a way that does no further damage.

 

So yes, it would seem that those that have experienced abuse in the form of being cheated on have been given the foundations to go on and do the same thing, but only those unequipped to deal with the cheating appropriately will go on to cause further damage to themselves and/or others.

 

Agree with the bold.

[Spark1111]

Bold...My need to regain control when it has been "lost", or a severe hurt is regained by cleaning my house.

 

I have dealt with all matters in this way. People have no control over me or my "order". Order is measured by the order of my house, car, business etc.. I think this is good to a degree, although have recently learned that I do need to confront my abusers.

 

Basically if all is in order in my life, then so am I, and people have little effect on me in the negative sense.

 

PIH, not sure of your complete history, but was there a SO in your past who cheated on you before your DM?

 

I bolded the above because I did not understand it. Were you abused by someone?

 

I didn't mean to imply that OW are diabolical. I was just questioning why so many seem to have been hurt or cheated on in their past.

[Spark1111]

I think my boyfriend's affair has a lot to do with him feeling neglected and unwanted, and because their relationship lacked sexual contact and any passion. And because his wife placed someone else before him within the marriage. He was faithful for many, many years. Respect was lost between them, in fact, respect was never a strong facet between them it seems. I can see reasons for him to become a cheat. I see that he tried for a very long time to 'settle' and be a dutiful husband.

 

I do HAVE to assert that some of it IS a reflection on him. His conflict avoidance is mainly what comes to mind here. He's not a total victim, he could (should) have done more to address his/their unhappiness, in my view.

 

On the other hand, my ex-bf was BPD and addicted to attention. The other women had an age range of approx 30 years between the oldest and youngest. They varied and many he didn't find attractive, he got off on the buzz, the lying, the thrill. He admitted it, after we split.

 

SG...the average BPD, untreated and undiagnosed, has approximately 10-14 ONS or infidelities during the course of a marriage.

 

 

SG...Psychs would say the majority of cheaters share three distinct charachteristics: conflict avoidance, low self-esteem, and poor communication skills.

 

If you and your MM were to wind up together one day on a permanent basis, these characteristics do not magically disappear. What is a problem in the marriage will still be a problem in your relationship.

[Spark1111]

Haven't read anything beyond the opening post but my thoughts about this are that it's similar to the cycle of abuse or pedophilia within families. Some break free, others continue the cycle.

 

This is NOW of a concern to me: How will my H infidelity affect my three children and their lives and future relationships?

[Silly_Girl]

SG...the average BPD, untreated and undiagnosed, has approximately 10-14 ONS or infidelities during the course of a marriage.

 

In 8 years I counted 12, all to very differing degrees. None, to my knowledge, resulting in sex. Not that he didn't try.

 

SG...Psychs would say the majority of cheaters share three distinct charachteristics: conflict avoidance, low self-esteem, and poor communication skills.

 

Indeed.

 

If you and your MM were to wind up together one day on a permanent basis, these characteristics do not magically disappear. What is a problem in the marriage will still be a problem in your relationship.

 

Yes. And no. There are lots of other factors at play also. If people were destined to be only one way in only one relationship, all cheaters would remain cheaters and no one with a failed relationship behind them (that they contributed to) could possibly go on to have a successful relationship. And I don't believe either of those statements to be true.

[Spark1111]

OK, I'm a little confused here. How do you go from this:

 

 

 

...to this:

 

 

 

 

In the first post, you indicated that you realize that you tend to pick dysfunctional partners due to your own dysfunctional background.

 

You chose a dysnfunctional partner who cheated on you.

 

Infidelity is dysfunctional. Cheating in a marriage is a clear sign of someone who is either dysfunctional himself or involved in a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Interestingly enough, this is a trait that your current MM clearly shares with your exSO. Given all that you've discussed here about OM "making changes"...to me at least it indicates that some large percentage of the dysfunction falls squarely on his shoulders.

 

So your exSO's infidelity itself may not be a reflection of you...but could well indeed be a reflection on the kind of men you choose as partners. It's just another form of dysfunction.

 

I wonder if this is a common factor among many BW turned OW? That there's a history of choosing dysfunctional relationships?

 

This is an interesting point OWL. ANd I wonder what could cause this? Dysfunctional family? Aren't most families dealing with a dysfunction of some kind from time to time?

 

So is it choosing dysfunctional relationships, or is more like, well my first H cheated on me all the time so now....what does it matter if I do it too?