autumnsweater Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Today, while talking to a colleague who'd just undergone a break-up, I was reminded of this place. I posted on this forum for about a week (and lurked for much longer), 2 years ago after a very difficult break-up with a girl I'd been seeing for two and a half years. This gave me the idea of posting an update of what happened to me. The best advice I got from this forum was No Contact (including no internet stalking). I practiced this from Day One and did not get in touch with my ex again until 6 months later when I shot her a quick email to ask how she was. This, undoubtedly, saved me from so much pain. The couple of months after the break-up were torture and all I wanted in the world was for her to call me up and get back with me, even though deep down I knew it wasn't right for either of us. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. It was tough most days to stop myself bursting out in tears at my desk in the office. But I soldiered on. I'd say it took me 6 months before I was back to normal again and another 3 until I was completely over the relationship. Since then I've met my ex at a number of social situations and I've even had to endure seeing her with a new boyfriend (a guy I knew from university) and I can say, beyond doubt, that I was able to cope with this situation because of my commitment to No Contact. Secondly, burying my head in some new projects to distract myself completely transformed my life. I started working out at the gym and taking guitar lessons the week after we broke up. Two years later and I'm still playing guitar every night and going running three times a week. I'm in the best shape of my life and I finally have a hobby that I'm actually working on. I learned how to exercise self-control and how to commit myself to projects. Before this point I was never able to see through any of my hobbies as my interest always wained quickly. This doesn't happen any more. I stick to things. Recently I even took up cooking! Looking back, the break-up was one of the best things that ever happened to me. But only because I made sure it was! You have to take the bull by the horns, learn from your mistakes, and turn the break-up into an exercise in personal development. That is the key. Then you will be able to look back on it not as a disaster, but as a crucial transformative moment in your life. That's how I view it now. The reason why I'm posting this is because I feel it is my duty, after having learned much from this forum, to make a post simply saying: It gets better, I promise you it does. But only if you put the effort in. I wish the best for all of you.
lapse Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Thanks, autumnsweater. It is excellent advice, imo, and also shows that there is, despite how we might feel that there isn't, a tremendous light at the end of the dark tunnel of loss.
Fern Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Thankyou! That really gives me hope. 6 months to feel better is OK now that I'm about 4 months in. ;-)
Author autumnsweater Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Did she ever try getting back to you? No, she didn't. And it became clear to me very quickly that she would not. It's important to get past the stage of believing that will happen too as, from what I can gather, it rarely does. I know it's really tough, but I think for the majority of people it is VERY important to come to terms with the fact that you will never be romantically involved with that person again. Once you accept that, you're well on the way to getting better even if it may not seem like it at the time.
watshername Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 (edited) i feel like there is no point in trying, i can not do nc!! Edited November 4, 2010 by watshername
Cratsky Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Watshername: it's not that you can't, you're perfectly in control of your faculties. The key question is whether you should be begging for someone's love in the first place, is that all you're worth?
Fern Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 i feel like there is no point in trying, i can not do nc!! You have to. You have no choice. If you REALLY want them back, it's the only thing that MIGHT work. Staying in contact only makes it a certainty you won't reconcile. Why should they take you back? They've got you chasing them already anyway, they've no chance to miss you. You're only embarrassing yourself. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.
Banega100 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I think the break up was the best thing to happen to me recently. It took that to realise that i was only happy in the relationship and used it as a type of crutch. You can't live like that, and it's forced me to be happy on my own. Which is HUGELY important.
ReturnToSender Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 That really is encouraging autumnsweater... I always feel like I cant break contact, because I do still love him, and he acts like hes all hurt and torn apart whenever he realizes I dont want contact with him, which end up opening up the lines of communication again, but then thats why a year later, I still havnt been able to move on and hes still breaking my heart. It doesnt make sense... I really want to be over it. Its so hard tho. Thanks for sharing your story...
TheMENemy Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Two years later and I'm still playing guitar every night and going running three times a week. I'm in the best shape of my life and I finally have a hobby that I'm actually working on. I learned how to exercise self-control and how to commit myself to projects. Before this point I was never able to see through any of my hobbies as my interest always wained quickly. This doesn't happen any more. I stick to things. Recently I even took up cooking! These are some pretty cool hobbies bro, but I have to admit, I think I like sex better.
Banega100 Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 That really is encouraging autumnsweater... I always feel like I cant break contact, because I do still love him, and he acts like hes all hurt and torn apart whenever he realizes I dont want contact with him, which end up opening up the lines of communication again, but then thats why a year later, I still havnt been able to move on and hes still breaking my heart. It doesnt make sense... I really want to be over it. Its so hard tho. Thanks for sharing your story... Woman-up sister. You know what you have to do. So go and take your life back. It's up to you...
ReturnToSender Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Woman-up sister. You know what you have to do. So go and take your life back. It's up to you... Yeah... he can be really great and then a string of disappointment always follows... I like when things are nice between us, but even that isnt worth it anymore. Thanks Banega, I definitely do need to woman up and be strong for a change. Esp since this is the one area of my life I feel like a major failure and keep getting reminded of it.
havehope Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Thanks for the encouragement! I know if others can do it, I can to. I'm not the only one with a broken heart. We're all in this together and one day we can post our 'success' stories like you did, to give hope to others. I needed this post today
Banega100 Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Yeah... he can be really great and then a string of disappointment always follows... I like when things are nice between us, but even that isnt worth it anymore. Thanks Banega, I definitely do need to woman up and be strong for a change. Esp since this is the one area of my life I feel like a major failure and keep getting reminded of it. yeahhh, Do it
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