lapse Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 that it only makes you miss your ex more? You are spending time with someone else and you know that ordinarily you might be excited about them, but instead they just incite in you that pit in your stomach that reminds you of how comfortable you were with your ex? I think there's more to it than just discomfort, and I'm curious about why this happens. It has also happened the couple of times I have gotten the slightest bit intimate with someone too soon after a relationship with someone I got very attached to. It doesn't feel like cheating to me, per se, it just feels 'not right,' and makes me 'not present.' Others post about how healing the ol' rebound can be. But it just never has been healing for me... quite the opposite. Any others?
valpre Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I tried hooking up after around the 3 or 4 month mark, my friend convinced me that it would be good for me. Just made me feel worse - missed him more. So yea, didn't help with the healing. Better to wait until you're certain you've got most of your ex out of your system.
Author lapse Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 I wonder if it's a gender difference? I'm not one for gender polarizing because I think in many ways, we're similar. But it does seem that men get this ego boost out of an immediate post-breakup conquest? While it makes women feel empty? I'm not sure - I wonder what exactly it is... that makes the difference between whether it helps or hurts.
fabio10 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Hey, I think you may have hit the nail on the head, Im at the 3/4month mark and at the weekend we went away on a lads weekend away I clicked with afew women and I have to say I feel way better sure I get reminders of her but you know what it is her loss she'l never find the bond we had anywhere else it was unique whats the chances of her being best friends with someone for 4years and then fallling in love with them slim to none same for me also but she will love again and me also but for now Im playing the field and I intend doing the same on my travels, as sad as it sounds I think ego means alot more to us men, it was the first time I was ever dumped and it hit me hard especially coming from someone who knew me inside out but I feel my balls growing day by day
rebeccajones Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I made out with some guy I didn't know at a friend's party. It was great to know there will be others, but I made him sit with me and I talked to him about my ex . I think we were both just looking for fun nothing more. I think that's all I can have now, just fun. I can't imagine getting serious with someone although everyone is pushing me to meet someone and date others! It is annoying! I'm still hoping a little that my ex will want me and somehow we will be together !!!!! It's annoying I want to be free of it and have my head clear but it's not. I hope soon and then I will try to love again!
TLCbear Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Others post about how healing the ol' rebound can be. But it just never has been healing for me... quite the opposite. Any others? Rebounds do not heal a broken heart, however, it may lift one's spirit at that time. Time and truly letting go heals a broken heart. If you're not ready to fully let go, then you won't...therefore will not completely heal. You can do whatever you want...hooking up with other people, casually dating, getting into a relationship, drinking, or smoking....but if the issue isn't solved directly or within, it will still be there. All of these above things are just substitution. It's the same with any problem or issue in your life. You will not heal until you truly are ready to and with time.
TLCbear Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I wonder if it's a gender difference? I'm not one for gender polarizing because I think in many ways, we're similar. But it does seem that men get this ego boost out of an immediate post-breakup conquest? While it makes women feel empty? I'm not sure - I wonder what exactly it is... that makes the difference between whether it helps or hurts. Of course it is (with the exception of some men and women). Men egos are a very powerful thing...not to mention the effect of society and pressure from fellow men. Alot of men are practically told and expected to go out and bed hop. But as I said in my last post, the solution is still the same. I know quite a few guys who totally let themselves go after a breakup...they are drinking, smoking, having sex with lots of girls, and are still unhappy and feel like crap. You know why? Because they are trying to fill a void and solve a problem with a subsutition instead of dealing with the real issue and solving it correctly (directly or within). And remember, women are known to be emotional and men are not. Men are known to be able to separate sex and emotions...but who's to say how they feel afterwards...and to me, that is all that matters.
Author lapse Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Hmmm. Interesting about the gender differences. And I think you're right on TLC. I'm feeling this right now, actually, and I haven't gone out with anyone or hooked up. I actually posted an online profile on a pretty innocent seeming site... and said I am looking for friends. Which I am. My relationship kinda took up all of my energy the last few years and we did everything together, so I don't know anyone in this area (I'd moved an hour and a half from my old friends). So anyway... I have some reservations about online dating - I'd thought everyone was desperate or something (it really bothered me that my ex had a profile before we met...), so I really had a hangup there to get past. Anyway, I'm getting a lot of responses and I just feel overwhelmed. It's certainly better than not getting any response, but... it also feels like I ate too much chocolate or something. uh LOL
LoveTNT Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Of course it is (with the exception of some men and women). Men egos are a very powerful thing...not to mention the effect of society and pressure from fellow men. Alot of men are practically told and expected to go out and bed hop. But as I said in my last post, the solution is still the same. I know quite a few guys who totally let themselves go after a breakup...they are drinking, smoking, having sex with lots of girls, and are still unhappy and feel like crap. You know why? Because they are trying to fill a void and solve a problem with a subsutition instead of dealing with the real issue and solving it correctly (directly or within). And remember, women are known to be emotional and men are not. Men are known to be able to separate sex and emotions...but who's to say how they feel afterwards...and to me, that is all that matters. I've made out with two guys, wait.. pondering* oh yeah two. Anyhow, It's whatever. One guy I've been out a few times with but I know it aint nothing,I do not like him like that. We're just cool and study midterms etc together. This other guy, omg was so hot, but just made out. I choose not to go any further, there is no point. I still love my darn ex. I am proud of myself. I know I'll feel ****ty if I have sex with anyone. 1. because I still love my ex and I know I'll be sad after, and 2. because I'm on a spritual journey and yes my body is my temple and when I do decide to get intimate in that sense I'll be aroused in so many other ways than just "F'ing". wow, look at that, I'm proud of myself, I've always jumped in to another relationship etc... I won't do that this time. I'm being courageous! I love myself. But don't get it confused, I get down, I'll just save the freakyness for someone that is special, for now I'll just be gorgeous working on my self-love, self-awarenss kingdom. hahaha
Cuchara2 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 First time I felt like ****, then I got with another 7 girls in one night at a club. I think that that's the best way to do it. Binge out on women.. I felt like crap after the first one because I felt lonely. The other women sorted it out and made my self esteem, pride and confidence rocket. It was great!
stopthemadness Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 that it only makes you miss your ex more? You are spending time with someone else and you know that ordinarily you might be excited about them, but instead they just incite in you that pit in your stomach that reminds you of how comfortable you were with your ex? I think there's more to it than just discomfort, and I'm curious about why this happens. It has also happened the couple of times I have gotten the slightest bit intimate with someone too soon after a relationship with someone I got very attached to. It doesn't feel like cheating to me, per se, it just feels 'not right,' and makes me 'not present.' Others post about how healing the ol' rebound can be. But it just never has been healing for me... quite the opposite. Any others? Yea, I was talking to my ex before going N/C and he told me. Iam trying to do something new(new lady) but when i get home I feel sad. He said he wondered if everyone felt that way. I told him you need to ask your self Why do I feel sad? Maybe you miss me A--Hole.....hahaha...He left me..
hollywood292 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Yes. its been 3 months since the break up and I've been hanging with some guys, but honestly, when I get home or as soon as we say goodbye I get empty inside and start thinking about my ex. I hate it.
Eternity001 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Well, I for one, as a male am dealing with this. Broke up with my ex 10 months ago and thought I was ready about 4 months after. Met a girl that I thought was wonderful, I had a perfect few months with her, then it started going downhill because I just thought about my ex more and more and that girl and I are horribly incomaptible which started to show more and more as time passed. I didn't verbalise this to that person but the fact that it failed just made we wish I could get back what I had, I think. I'm not sure but I feel pretty crap at the moment.
Tractor Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 From a male. When I was in my teens and twenties I could seperate sex and love. Then I got married, that taught me a lot about how women think(most). That marraige lasted 8 years and in that time I became commited to loving one person. When the divorce happened I became a reckless drunk womanizer. That lasted a couple of years and left me feeling empty and alone no matter how many women I f****d, and embarasingly it was a lot. I went through a period of about 7 years of serial monogamy. When I met my current ex we connected on many levels, including sex. we were together for many years. I have a woman interested in me now and am a little hesitant to persue her because Im not really over her,(the ex), and Im not sure I could just have her for sex, even though I want it. At this point in my life I dont want sex without some sort of emotional commitment. I know I am breaking the mans club code by saying this. Sorry guys. It means more than that to me. Im not willing to go back to feeling empty just for the sake of my ego or for the conquest.
harkkam Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 This is absolutely true. After 4 months post breakup I hooked up with a girl and it just made me feel worse. I shed a tear and Im a guy as I drove home, it made me feel even worse for losing the person who I cared so much for. I really dont know how to let her go. The thought of dating another women turns me off to think that I could ever feel that way toward another woman and let her take the space in my heart that my ex did. Its hard kicking an old tenant who stopped paying the bills and bring a new one in because that old is your best friend.
Author lapse Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 It's really nice to read all of the responses and see that this is not a glaring gendered experience. Like I said above, I have a profile up looking for *friends.* I got some sexually explicit IMs and very nearly called my ex in exasperation. Now why the hell would I call him? I forgot for a moment how irreparable my distrust and distaste toward him is...? Really, I just miss the level of comfort. He may have been an ass, but at least I knew who he was. This too shall pass. But somehow I think my efforts to meet new people online are, strangely enough, counter-productive. I'm just going to have to go out this weekend. I live in such a family-pod town, though, so I have to drive an hour and a half 'home' for my fix. lol
TLCbear Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 It's really nice to read all of the responses and see that this is not a glaring gendered experience. Like I said above, I have a profile up looking for *friends.* I got some sexually explicit IMs and very nearly called my ex in exasperation. Now why the hell would I call him? I forgot for a moment how irreparable my distrust and distaste toward him is...? Really, I just miss the level of comfort. He may have been an ass, but at least I knew who he was. This too shall pass. But somehow I think my efforts to meet new people online are, strangely enough, counter-productive. I'm just going to have to go out this weekend. I live in such a family-pod town, though, so I have to drive an hour and a half 'home' for my fix. lol Good luck and hope you have fun!! I haven't had any luck with online dating, but maybe it's just the area I'm in.
Author lapse Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Good luck and hope you have fun!! I haven't had any luck with online dating, but maybe it's just the area I'm in. Thanks, TLC! I don't really see a lot of potential in online dating... the most important filters aren't there... body language, essence... whatever ya want to call it. But I work from home and don't get out to meet people and, like I said, it's a family town! Ah. I'm going to try to have fun with it. lol I'm just trying to meet some people to hang out with... who are intelligent and fun!d Ah well.
106rob Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 yep! i met someone on holiday in september! was all good at first (didnt think it would go anywehre you how it is) and now im seeing her quite a bit now we are back home.... only live 40 miles from each other....shes now showing sines at wanting more...wanting to know where we stand etc etc tbh i do like her! but i miss my ex more and after that first thaught about it i now just think of my ex and what we would do etc everytime im with her near enough im seeing her this weekend so we will see what happens...its bound to come up or a subtle hint will be made,but im just not ready in my mind even though i know i need to move on im not going to use someone else todo it and if need be i will just have to be blunt/straight and tell her im not over my ex so dont think a relationship is a good idea just yet ...but i also dont want her to think iv just used her for sex for 2 months at the same time :S
Recommended Posts