Two guys and woman

[samford]

I'm a single guy and having affair with a man who is a relationship with a woman. Whist they are not married, they own a home together and are share finances etc which in my view is as good as marriage. We met randomly, and just hit it off, over the past five months it has evolved into something quite intense. We spend time together when we can, and often spend that time talking about "what ifs". My issue is that I feel the "what ifs" are in his control. He is clearly not happy in his relationship, and the emotional intensity between us is something I have never experienced before.

 

Is it unreasonable for me to believe that he has the power to change his circumstances? He tells me he knows he has to make a decision about where his life is heading, which includes not just her or me - but man or woman. Its hard for me to trust, to love, and to show my true self to another, and I have done all of these things with him. Do I put the pressure on, walk away, or wait a little longer to see where it goes? He asked me tonight, if I thought the circumstances we are in would prevent us from forming a proper relationship (just him and I), so I know he is at least considering leaving her for me.

 

I'm just sick of the highs and lows that come with this affair.

[OWoman]

Do I put the pressure on, walk away, or wait a little longer to see where it goes?

 

Samford it seems you're in a tough situation - your BF is not only facing the stresses that come with leaving a partner, but also issues relating to his sexual identity and whether or not he's ready to come out. While many MSMs derive great deal of fulfilment from their Rs with men, they are not comfortable identifying as gay, and so have difficulty letting go of their "camouflage" Ms / Rs with women and committing visibly to exclusive Rs with men.

 

Putting pressure on your BF is unlikely to yield results - more helpful would be suggesting he go for IC to explore his issues around his sexuality, so that when he chooses it's likely to be a long-term, sustainable choice and not one made under pressure that he might doubt or go back on when things get tough.

 

For yourself, whether you stay or go - you say you are able to be yourself with him, in a way that is new for you, so it sounds as if you are getting something out of the R and wouldn't want to walk away from it if it had a future. It might be a good idea to have a talk with your BF to discuss whether he sees a future for you together, or whether he prefers things as they are, so that you know where you stand. If he's unsure, then I'd suggest IC might be the way to go for him. Whether or not you're happy to hang around until he makes his choice is up to you - when the negatives outweigh the positives in any R, it's time to move on. Only you will know when that happens for you in your R.

 

Good luck - it's not an easy path you're on.

[samford]

Thanks OW. You are right, there is so many issues at play that I'm failing to see a happy ending for any of us. Guess that answers my question really. He tells me he is getting frustrated... which is leading to my frustration as to why he won't do something about it. I'm scared to walk away in case I'm shooting myself in the foot. On the on the other hand, the longer I stay around hoping, the more caught up I get. I feel emotionally thy I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

Even if he left her, there is an entire side of his life that he hasn't discovered and I can't help but wonder if I would end up being the catalyst for changes in his life. Don't get me wrong, I know he cares about me, but to expect him to go from one relationship to the next is maybe a little selfish on my part.

 

Now I really think I've answered my own question.

[BB07]

I do think you have answered your own questions samford.

 

It sucks to want more than someone is capable of giving and to have it compounded by being a 3rd wheel, well it usually doesn't work out.

I wish you well and peace.