Fern Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Hi, I got a message from my ex's child yesterday saying that she had been spending the day with him and he had refused to let her call round to see me. I live round the corner from him and he's let her come round before since we split up. His daughter is 9 and I've known her since she was 3. We get on brilliantly. I was instrumental in repairing his relationship with her mother and getting him to see the kid regularly and pay his child support on time etc and we are pretty good friends now. His baby-mama even invited us to her wedding a few years ago and she texts me regularly. I don't know what to think about him stopping the child from seeing me. I recently blocked him and his family on FaceBook. It was getting too difficult to watch them cosying up to his new girlfriend and when his sister's husband defriended me out of the blue it really stressed me out. I just thought 'this is ridiculous, these people are never going to be my friends, of course their loyalty is to him'. So I just blocked them all. It was hard trying to be dignified in the face of everyone just moving on. And I blocked his new girlfriend and all her family too. Best thing I ever did for my own sanity. However I messaged the family members I was closest to (a sister and brother) explaining my reasons and asking them not to think badly of me for it and to let the rest of them know I wasn't trying to be a bitch, I just needed a clean break for a while. His sister replied that she understood and wished me well. I don't know whether to assume that he didn't let his daughter come round because he didn't know if I'd want to see her. (Of course I do! Our split has nothing to do with my relationship with her.) Or if he's annoyed that I blocked his family and is being a prick about it? I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he was worried about upsetting me. :-/ Whatever - I broke NC. I sent him a very polite email telling him that I'd still love to have some contact with her if he didn't mind. And that it didn't upset me at all seeing her and I hoped he'd let her come visit for a while sometimes when she's with him. I won't be upset if he doesn't reply - but I will assume that he refused to let her see me to be a prick and not for any good reason. If he IS being a prick - well how DARE he? I'm not the one who behaved badly here. How can he possibly justify being angry at me??? What exactly would he like me to do? I'm terribly sorry I can't just cease to exist to make his life easier. :-/ We were together 6 years, we have many of the same friends, we live minutes from each other. I'm doing what I have to do to make this easier on myself. He's the one with a whole new life already going. I could have made this whole thing a LOT harder on him than I have. I've been a bloody saint compared to him. How DARE he act like a prick? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
curiousnycgirl Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Who knows what the heck he is thinkking - it should be interesting to see what his response is to your very mature note. He has already proven that his is a childish SOB that does not behave in a mature rational manner. Once you get his response, you can figure out your next steps - speculating at this point does nothing put get you all wound up - I know it would me! I'd be sitting here getting angrier and angrier with him. He's just not worth it! But it sure sounds like that kid is! You have certainly done something very right there :bunny:. I'm looking forward to reading what happens next. This guy doesn't realize what he's up against dumba$$!
Author Fern Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 No reply yet. I sent him the email yesterday evening. If he doesn't reply that's ALL my respect for him gone. That's so petty - to use his daughter against me. I've already arranged with his daughter's mother to visit them this weekend at their home - so whether he replies or not has no bearing on what's important here. It'll not bother me in the SLIGHTEST. No reply just proves how totally immature he really is and that I'm better off out of it. What an idiot. *and breathe...*
curiousnycgirl Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Yup that was what I was going to suggest. I swear we were dating versions of the same man, just at different ages! Actually believe it or not, yours was more responsible than mine! Mine bemoans the fact that his son (now 25 with a wife and children of his own) won't speak to him - but he doesn't life a finger to attempt to fix the relationship! I haven't spoken with the ex since September 13th (or thereabouts) and I can tell you for a fact that he hasn't spoken to or emailed or been in touch with his son and grandchildren since then in anyway shape or form. I know because I am still in touch with them - hard not to be since we have always spoken several times a week, they call me, I call them. Frankly I wasn't going to stop jsut because I am no longer seeing his father! We sure know how to pick em don't we?! Glad you resolved it - and you are right of course, he's done nothing to earn your respect, EVER!
Author Fern Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Mine bemoans the fact that his son (now 25 with a wife and children of his own) won't speak to him - but he doesn't life a finger to attempt to fix the relationship! We sure know how to pick em don't we?! Glad you resolved it - and you are right of course, he's done nothing to earn your respect, EVER! It's actually frightening how similar our exes are. What were we thinking? Really though?! I think you might be right when you say you think they'll be back eventually. If he was completely fine with the split he'd have just let her call round. The very fact he's acting like this indicates to me (for pretty much the first time since we split) that he's upset about...well he's upset about something. And I haven't behaved in any way that could prompt his ire. He's either feeling guilty or he's starting to second guess himself. He'll be back in the future bemoaning his mistake. They both will. Unfortunately for them, like you, there is no way in HELL I'll be going there again.
curiousnycgirl Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 YOU GO GIRL!!!!! I'm so very proud of you. Now you need to get yourself to the point that you are ready and open to meet that man who will give to you as much if not more than you give him, put on an equal if not higher pedastal than you put him, etc etc. I'm old and have missed my opportunities - please let me live vacariously through you. I'm so excited for you!!!!! Meanwhile I have a beautiful little nearly 4 year old in CA who calls me all the time to update me on her life, and tells her little almost 1 year old sister all about me - so life is good. If that's all I ever got from my ex - that's still plenty! :bunny:
Author Fern Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Give over! You're only 45! That's the new 35, dontcha know? And yes, if all I got from him was my friendship with his daughter and her Mother - that;s not the worst deal in the world... You need to stop with that 'I'm so old, I missed my chance' crap. It's not healthy - and it's certainly not true. xx
curiousnycgirl Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I'm 45 going on 145 - I've got a lot on my plate (more than any man I've ever met is willing to take on) and I'm too old to have kids - so yes my time has passed -trust me on this. But I thoroughly enjoy being everyone's favorite aunt and godmother. My ex has thoroughly soured me on the concept of trying to share my life, it's just not gonna happen, I am not opening myself up like that again, not gonna happen, sorry no way jose.
melenkurion Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Unfortunately for them, like you, there is no way in HELL I'll be going there again. Heh. Good to hear
Author Fern Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 I'm 45 going on 145 - I've got a lot on my plate (more than any man I've ever met is willing to take on) and I'm too old to have kids - so yes my time has passed -trust me on this. But I thoroughly enjoy being everyone's favorite aunt and godmother. My ex has thoroughly soured me on the concept of trying to share my life, it's just not gonna happen, I am not opening myself up like that again, not gonna happen, sorry no way jose. I hope you change your mind. I'll never live with a man again, but I'm open to having a relationship again. On my terms this time. :-D Melenkurion - You'll get there too, you wait. In a few months you'll be AGHAST that you ever considered reconciling with the cheating louse. :-D
MalachXaviel Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 If you're not seeing her dad anymore it's understandable for him to want to cut her ties to you. It could be interfering with the current relationship he's in right now or he could just think it's inappropriate for his daughter to be best friends with his ex. From what you're saying, this guy is a jerk, so it's probably the former, but it's still a valid reason.
Author Fern Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 If you're not seeing her dad anymore it's understandable for him to want to cut her ties to you. It could be interfering with the current relationship he's in right now or he could just think it's inappropriate for his daughter to be best friends with his ex. From what you're saying, this guy is a jerk, so it's probably the former, but it's still a valid reason. If he hadn't already allowed her to visit me since the split I might countenance that idea, Malach. It did worry me what was appropriate when we first split. I didn't want to seem like I was clinging to her as a way of trying to cling to him - so I deliberately DIDN'T visit her or try to stay in touch. I did consider just bowing out of her life entirely. I thought maybe a clean cut would be the best for her, she's young and I'm not her parent, but her mother told me she wanted me to stay in contact - and my ex actually brought her round to visit me the first time she asked. He didn't stay long (he left her there and we had some fun taking pictures with my new SLR and I walked her back in time for her dinner) and it was horribly awkward while he was there, but he did it. I don't think it's interfering with his current relationship. They don't live together and I'm fairly certain he hasn't introduced his new girl to his daughter yet. Plus the new GF has a child with her ex - so she should understand that if someone has been in a kid's life for 6 years, they're bound to wonder if they suddenly disappear. I think it's HIM whom it bothers - though I can't fathom WHY or WHAT exactly is bothering him. I doubt it's me and his daughter maintaining a relationship of sorts. Her Ex has plenty of contact with his daughter. I'll never know exactly what was going through his head, he hasn't replied to my message (and won't, I'm sure) so I'm not going to worry about it. I suspect he was being a jerk. I'll make my own arrangements to see her when it won't encroach on his time. And I'm going to avoid him like the PLAGUE for the next 3 months or until I'm CERTAIN I can be indifferent to him. I've put the 3 month time limit on there because it is going to be impossible to keep up complete NC forever. Not without alienating most of our mutual friends or never setting foot in some of my favourite night-spots ever again. The one silver lining in this is that every time he behaves like this it strengthens my ever increasing belief that this split is the best thing that could have happened. I'm not even angry any more - I'm just not sure that seeing him won't set me back in my recovery, so I'm not going to see him. Simple as. :-D
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