Best way for male with Social Anxiety Disorder to find women?

[Yer_Blues]

I'm about as frustrated as a person can get. I'm a 19 year old virgin with no clue or insights on the female gender. Not really sure where to begin, but it would be accurate to say that this has prevented any form of real happiness for me and is a pretty large source of depression.

 

I've been relatively isolated from women my entire life compared to what would be considered healthy. I went to an all-male school from 7-12th grade (developing years) that I lived pretty far away from. I've never had a relationship, let alone a female friend of any significance/closeness.

 

I'm extremely shy (though that doesn't really do it justice). Social Anxiety dominates my interactions with new people. I'm extremely suspicious of people, think they are judging me, have no skill at small talk, and generally try to escape social situations as quickly as possible. I'm pretty avoidant as a whole. I frequently ignore phone calls and back out of situations that force me to meet new people. When I do go participate, it generally frustrates me further because I am just so damn bad at socializing with females.

 

To avoid rambling, I'm desperate for anything and everything. I have almost no physical standards for women, would die for any form of relationship or sexual interaction, and expect little.

 

I'm not the most attractive person. I struggled with childhood obesity and let it get out of hand (320lb/5'8 at one point), but I've lost over 100lbs and am currently active and losing more. But it doesn't seem to put me any closer. It's not a matter of standards, I feel like I have no opportunity. How does someone who doesn't believe themselves attractive who doesn't have the faculties to let their personality shine in public compete with a large group of college males who all seem more complete?

 

What are alternative ways to meet women? Anybody been through this or known someone like this? I would honestly do anything to experience being desirable for once or having somebody else be attracted to me. I would do anything to not have to continue watching my friends form serious, healthy relationships while I can't even approach girls. And, getting straight to the point, I'd probably do anything for a one night stand with the least attractive, least desirable girl within 50 miles.

 

Willing to listen to any and all advice. Hope this isn't too whiny...:eek:

[carhill]

Hey, welcome to LS

 

Good news is you're not alone. Even better news is you've attained some pretty impressive goals, like substantial weight loss and attending college. Kudos

 

Since you are in college, check into the student support and counseling services available from the psych department. The place to start is accepting yourself as a valuable and lovable human being, which you are. Leave all those old messages behind.

 

We'll save the 'finding women' part for later. Firstly, find, accept and love yourself

[chancellor]

You seem like a very articulate person. If you manage to talk to women the same way you can write, you'll be ok.

 

You also seem to be aware of your challenges so I would just keep working on them. Don't be afraid to get out of your comfort zone. That's how you'll reach your goals.

[Surrealist]

Hey mate, like Carhill said you're not alone. There's bound to be people here who may be able to assist you with the women but I want to comment on another part of your post.

 

Big congrats on your weight loss to date! Awesome achievement and sounds like you're heading in the right direction. I find people with endomorph body types can build muscle rather easily and this can be something you might like to consider. This too may help build your confidence and give you something else in life to focus on and expend your energies, reach goals and gain personal satisfaction in the meantime. You're still very young and have lots of opportunity to make a huge difference now that can help you for life.

[Yer_Blues]

I wish losing weight or doing anything developed confidence. I have this awful feeling that the only way to develop confidence with women is to succeed with women. The only way to succeed with women is to be confident, self-expressive, and in some way desirable. I don't know if I can accomplish this without "getting over the hump".

[Feelin Frisky]

I used to be shy too. I was tormented as a fat kid when young although I was tall enough to tear most people a new @sshole. I lost all my weight at 15 and became this sort of hunky looking teen. But I didn't feel that way inside. Shyness still dogged me for a long time. I got over it enough to have some good relationships. But after one went terribly bad I saw a shrink for depression. He prescribed Prozac. Boy did that ever take care of my social anxiety. I haven't blushed in the many years I've been taking my daily dose. I have no anxiety or fear of anything--the Prozac helped me to put the genie of fight or flight adrenaline back in the bottle. I will go anywhere and do anything with anyone now without self consciousness. Good luck and don't be afraid to try an SSRI like Prozac for social anxiety. It takes a month or two to start noticing that you don't have those nerves any more.

[Yer_Blues]

I used to be shy too. I was tormented as a fat kid when young although I was tall enough to tear most people a new @sshole. I lost all my weight at 15 and became this sort of hunky looking teen. But I didn't feel that way inside. Shyness still dogged me for a long time. I got over it enough to have some good relationships. But after one went terribly bad I saw a shrink for depression. He prescribed Prozac. Boy did that ever take care of my social anxiety. I haven't blushed in the many years I've been taking my daily dose. I have no anxiety or fear of anything--the Prozac helped me to put the genie of fight or flight adrenaline back in the bottle. I will go anywhere and do anything with anyone now without self consciousness. Good luck and don't be afraid to try an SSRI like Prozac for social anxiety. It takes a month or two to start noticing that you don't have those nerves any more.

Coming off of Paxil right now. I thought it was working, I've decided it didn't. I feel more depressed than I ever have and think it might be part of it. I'm in an out of state college, so I know no medical pros here. My insurance is pretty ****ty, so the only real option I'm going to have is another SSRI that has generics available. I don't think I can afford therapy or such.

[Yer_Blues]

I wish losing weight or doing anything developed confidence. I have this awful feeling that the only way to develop confidence with women is to succeed with women. The only way to succeed with women is to be confident, self-expressive, and in some way desirable. I don't know if I can accomplish this without "getting over the hump".

To add to this (this board won't let me edit, sorry):

 

 

Also, I don't know if what I want is healthy. I find myself strangely attracted to a majority of women, and it makes me feel a little guilty. Don't women want to feel in some way special? I don't want to take advantage of anybody. I want something that I can invest in and find mutual support in. But I'm feel forced into a position where I'm not sure I can find the right person, or any person.

[Cracker Jack]

Dude, I'm 23 and have the same issue. I've had Social Anxiety Disorder for a good while, and I just hate how useless it makes me feel. I think at your stage, tho, you likely wouldn't be able to simply jump into meeting women right away. I would suggest therapy, but it seems like you can't go that route at this point. There are subtle ways around SA, but it takes time and patience.

 

As mentioned, you just have to grow to love yourself more. I believe once you do that, you'll be in a better position to meet women without it seeming like it's forced. I really wish I could help you, but I'm in the same position as you, for the most part. You'll be fine. The key is to conquer SA instead of allowing it to conquer us.

[Yer_Blues]

Dude, I'm 23 and have the same issue. I've had Social Anxiety Disorder for a good while, and I just hate how useless it makes me feel. I think at your stage, tho, you likely wouldn't be able to simply jump into meeting women right away. I would suggest therapy, but it seems like you can't go that route at this point. There are subtle ways around SA, but it takes time and patience.

 

As mentioned, you just have to grow to love yourself more. I believe once you do that, you'll be in a better position to meet women without it seeming like it's forced. I really wish I could help you, but I'm in the same position as you, for the most part. You'll be fine. The key is to conquer SA instead of allowing it to conquer us.

The idea of it being "forced" is perfectly accurate. Conquering SA is something that intrigues me, because I've almost never given into my anxieties/fear responses being rational, but I can't seem to get rid of them.

 

SA is insanely frustrating, but I think it might be more frustrating to try to explain it to friends without similar experiences. I just hate it with a passion

[grungesponge]

Hey blues,

 

I really identify with what you are feeling and I think you are way ahead of the curve. I have been stuggling with SA for over 10 years and have only made real progress in the last few years. I still have a long way to go. I think one of the keys is just being comfortable in your own skin and not focusing so much on what others are thinking. I try to find enjoyment now in everything I do even if it is by myself. SA is lonely as hell and I still find it extremely difficult to make friends and connect with new people. It is an ongoing battle but one I intend to win.

 

You have already made some tremendous accomplishments and your standards aren't unrealistic so I think you have a great shot with women. Just be confident in yourself and FORCE yourself to get out of your comfort zone. That is what I had to do. I just reached the point where I was fed up and said **** it. Everytime someone invited me out I forced myself to go even though it was extremely uncomfortable at times. If you are around a city then try joining meet up groups. You can probably find some relating directly toward SA and shyness.

 

You are 19 and you already realize what the problem is. That is a big step. I didn't realize it till much later. I always thought I was just a messed up kid that was different. In fact, my gf thinks I have aspergers which is very possible. For the record I have tried medication and therapy and I feel like both were only slightly successful. In some ways my relationship has caused me to be a little complacent and fall back into my old ways a little bit so I need to motivate myself again to reach out to others and threads like this help me to realize it. It is seriously the most difficult thing for me to do in life, and I have no idea why. Sometimes I just want to hole up in the woods and live like hermit.

[Yer_Blues]

Hey blues,

 

I think one of the keys is just being comfortable in your own skin and not focusing so much on what others are thinking. I try to find enjoyment now in everything I do even if it is by myself. SA is lonely as hell and I still find it extremely difficult to make friends and connect with new people.

 

Just be confident in yourself and FORCE yourself to get out of your comfort zone. That is what I had to do. I just reached the point where I was fed up and said **** it. Everytime someone invited me out I forced myself to go even though it was extremely uncomfortable at times. If you are around a city then try joining meet up groups. You can probably find some relating directly toward SA and shyness.

 

I need to motivate myself again to reach out to others and threads like this help me to realize it. It is seriously the most difficult thing for me to do in life, and I have no idea why. Sometimes I just want to hole up in the woods and live like hermit.

Is simply getting out there all that you can do? I feel as if I need to interact in a better way, not simply interact more. This is the most frustrating part. It's a form of negative reinforcement every time I go out, because it causes stress and rarely has positive benefits.

 

Becoming comfortable in your own skin... I think you hit it perfectly right there. I wish there was a way to build self-esteem that wasn't purely based on illusion and self deception. I've always struggled with this. Why love yourself if you don't perceive much to be special or favorable about yourself on a rational, analytical level?

[bac]

You are too young and immature for sex.

Because you are too young no women would be interested in you.

You are too young for both younger and older women.

If you were at least 23, you could attract many older women (late 30s-40s) who would see you as a great sexual object. They are very kind and giving in general, therefore, sex with them would improve your self-confidence dramatically.

You can find older women on AFF, OKC and POF. AFF is the best because it is site for sex and you can speak about sex directly there.

[Yer_Blues]

You are too young and immature for sex.

Because you are too young no women would be interested in you.

You are too young for both younger and older women.

If you were at least 23, you could attract many older women (late 30s-40s) who would see you as a great sexual object. They are very kind and giving in general, therefore, sex with them would improve your self-confidence dramatically.

You can find older women on AFF, OKC and POF. AFF is the best because it is site for sex and you can speak about sex directly there.

Not particularly interested in older women. I refuse to accept that it's impossible to get young women, because worse looking people than me do.

 

Anyone over 23 would be pretty odd in my opinion. 12 year olds are too immature for sex. I wouldn't perceive the lack of it and desire it so much if it wasn't a necessary component for a young person. It's not about pleasure or even so much about confidence (both are components), so much as wanting to develop a meaningful relationship. I'm horny as a mofo, but I'm probably more emotionally hungry.

Edited November 4, 2010 by Yer_Blues

[Feelin Frisky]

Coming off of Paxil right now. I thought it was working, I've decided it didn't. I feel more depressed than I ever have and think it might be part of it. I'm in an out of state college, so I know no medical pros here. My insurance is pretty ****ty, so the only real option I'm going to have is another SSRI that has generics available. I don't think I can afford therapy or such.

 

 

Hang in there Blues. The medicinal route is a "process" that takes time and experimentation. There's usually no miracle drug that does everything perfect right away the first time. You're young. Time is on your side believe it or not. I know it may not seem like that sometimes but it is if you make it work for you.

 

I went through a range of meds and some were the opposite of what I needed. I had to bounce back from the bad as well as learn what it was that I was looking for as the good. Some times we don't know what we're looking for because we only know how to be the person we've always been. The keys to sustaining positive change in your thoughts and feelings will reveal themselves a little at a time if you stick with the medicinal route and take stock often about how well you're dealing with things and whether or not you come to like who you seem to be becoming. If you're efforts give you reason to start liking yourself more for the positives you achieve this will lead you to come out of your shell more and take more social risks without fear and second-guessing.

 

Take it slow and don't give up--but if something is proving to be not right for you at all, don't hesitate to have your doctor try something different. Only you know you and only you are in charge of you. The doctor is a service provider--not an absolute authority. Good luck.

[bac]

Not particularly interested in older women. I refuse to accept that it's impossible to get young women, because worse looking people than me do.

 

Anyone over 23 would be pretty odd in my opinion. 12 year olds are too immature for sex. I wouldn't perceive the lack of it and desire it so much if it wasn't a necessary component for a young person. It's not about pleasure or even so much about confidence (both are components), so much as wanting to develop a meaningful relationship. I'm horny as a mofo, but I'm probably more emotionally hungry.

 

Older women are only for sex. But, if you want emotional connection/friendship, you can get it only from young girls. They are great at that. They are much more interested in emotional connection/friendship than in sex.

[Yer_Blues]

Older women are only for sex. But, if you want emotional connection/friendship, you can get it only from young girls. They are great at that. They are much more interested in emotional connection/friendship than in sex.

Yeah, but it's so complicated for me to position myself with anybody. I feel as if benzos would probably work, but they are horrifically addicting and I don't ever want to deal with withdrawal. Plus, I'm in a fraternity at a drinking college, and the two don't mix well.

 

Still, any benzo just relieves all worry. Such a fantastic thing to have once in a while

[bac]

Yeah, but it's so complicated for me to position myself with anybody. I feel as if benzos would probably work, but they are horrifically addicting and I don't ever want to deal with withdrawal. Plus, I'm in a fraternity at a drinking college, and the two don't mix well.

 

Still, any benzo just relieves all worry. Such a fantastic thing to have once in a while

 

Everyone experience fears when they do smth for the first time.

Everyone, who is young and has no experience in dating, will have anxiety with girls. Benzos will not help with this type of anxiety. Only practice will help with that. IMO, everyone with some intelligence will figure out how to date emotionally comfortable in about 1.5-2 yrs of intensive dating with multiple people. All you need to do is practice to date and try to figure out what things work well with the opposite sex.

If you do not date a lot of multiple people, it will take longer.

Also, it is a must to hide your anxiety from yourself and others. The more you think about anxiety, the stronger it is. It is beneficial to think that you are great, confident, hot and other stuff like that no matter what.

[Yer_Blues]

Everyone experience fears when they do smth for the first time.

Everyone, who is young and has no experience in dating, will have anxiety with girls. Benzos will not help with this type of anxiety. Only practice will help with that. IMO, everyone with some intelligence will figure out how to date emotionally comfortable in about 1.5-2 yrs of intensive dating with multiple people. All you need to do is practice to date and try to figure out what things work well with the opposite sex.

If you do not date a lot of multiple people, it will take longer.

Also, it is a must to hide your anxiety from yourself and others. The more you think about anxiety, the stronger it is. It is beneficial to think that you are great, confident, hot and other stuff like that no matter what.

I'm too much of a realist. I can't lie to myself/force me to believe things, even if I understand that believing them is healthier and that everybody kinds of gives themselves positive illusions. A lot of my anxiety is just part of my personality and outlook. It's hard to simply stop. Not saying it's not worth trying, just that it's something I've tried and failed at multiple times before.

 

I understand that a lot of my nervousness with girls is natural and warranted. But it applies to all social situations, male or female, old or young, familiar or new. I just get a fear/flight response to social encounters. It's hard to explain, it's as physiological as it is psychological.