luxx Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 My partner and I broke up due to communication issues and his gigs. That didn't work out, he came back a few months ago and we've been trying to make it work. We're in separate counties at the moment so it's made it a bit tough though I was trying to get him to either come here or agree for me to come there for a few months so we can reconnect. However... he's been procrastinating a bit and I finally asked him what was going on and he admitted that he was uncertain. We'd seen each other a few days this year after his gigs situation and though it was nice we didn't instantly connect. I told him that it's b/c he connected with someone else so of course our reconnection would take a moment, we were like strangers starting over again in a way and the only way I felt we'd be able to reconnect is if we spent some time with one another. He's still unsure. Doesn't want to break up but doesn't know. Problem is... we've been through this before last year around this time after dating a couple years to that point and I'm not so sure that I should wait again or want to. I feel that because he came back he should want to and be dedicated to working it out and should understand it's not going to happen overnight on account of what happen. I am thinking he thought there was going to be some imaginary instant karma cosmic thing between us again but we've gone through a lot and we might even need to speak to someone to help us through it. But... as I said he just doesn't know. Said to give him a little time and we'd talk again soon but... I don't think I want to do it anymore. I am thinking that since he came back he should have known and his wishy washiness has continued throughout our first time together and it's continuing now. Rather than let him decide, I'm thinking I should. What do you think? What are your thoughts on this people? Should I just pull the plug first or... give him a couple of days/weeks to figure it out (or has he had too long)? Thanks.
Gossamer Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Geeeez, I'm sorry. It sucks that he's ringing your doorbell, but already has one foot out the door. Personally, I think he's being extremely childish and selfish. He's not a 6 year old. On some level, your relationship was successful because he feels comfortable being honest about his reservations, commitment issues, etc., but it doesn't sound like, at least from your post, that he's doing the work to *relate to YOU* about it. A healthy relationship involves 2 people being able to relate to each other. It sounds like he's too concerned about himself and wrapped up in his own fears/wounds/immaturity. That's where your line needs to be drawn, hard and visibly. You could do a couple of things though, depending on how ok you feel about letting him go. You could give him an ultimatum, ie, a gentle one, and ask him to meet with you and give his reasons for his reservations, and then you can both talk about whether or not those barriers can be removed, fixed,etc. And that if he does not want to meet with you and be prepared to open himself up and be vulnerable and honest, about the good and bad of his version of the relationship, you can't do it anymore. You could, as you say, give him time, without asking for anything, just waiting it out. And you could just decide that he's not emotionally mature enough to relate to you or to be an equal partner in fixing whatever problems he's having, preventing him from being with you. I'm sure there are other choices, and I can't tell you which one or ones to make. But I would suggest.advise you to take back your power, whatever you do, and that you don't let him completely take the steering wheel. You have needs in a relationship, and maybe you can list them out, and then see if you feel it would be worthwhile to see the relationship working out with him, if you make some of your needs known. If that will scare him, I personally would not entertain a future with the dude. We need romantic partners who are willing and capable of relating to us and being clear about their needs and being open to ours. And being open to therapy, etc., if both people are willing to put the work in, and make a commitment. If he can't make a commitment to work on the issues he's having with you/your relationship, it sounds like he won't be a good partner. You deserve so much better, in that case. Peace and hugs. /Gossamer My partner and I broke up due to communication issues and his gigs. That didn't work out, he came back a few months ago and we've been trying to make it work. We're in separate counties at the moment so it's made it a bit tough though I was trying to get him to either come here or agree for me to come there for a few months so we can reconnect. However... he's been procrastinating a bit and I finally asked him what was going on and he admitted that he was uncertain. We'd seen each other a few days this year after his gigs situation and though it was nice we didn't instantly connect. I told him that it's b/c he connected with someone else so of course our reconnection would take a moment, we were like strangers starting over again in a way and the only way I felt we'd be able to reconnect is if we spent some time with one another. He's still unsure. Doesn't want to break up but doesn't know. Problem is... we've been through this before last year around this time after dating a couple years to that point and I'm not so sure that I should wait again or want to. I feel that because he came back he should want to and be dedicated to working it out and should understand it's not going to happen overnight on account of what happen. I am thinking he thought there was going to be some imaginary instant karma cosmic thing between us again but we've gone through a lot and we might even need to speak to someone to help us through it. But... as I said he just doesn't know. Said to give him a little time and we'd talk again soon but... I don't think I want to do it anymore. I am thinking that since he came back he should have known and his wishy washiness has continued throughout our first time together and it's continuing now. Rather than let him decide, I'm thinking I should. What do you think? What are your thoughts on this people? Should I just pull the plug first or... give him a couple of days/weeks to figure it out (or has he had too long)? Thanks.
Author luxx Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Take back my power. I think this is the only choice I have to take as I feel he's given me no choice. I've asked him to do some of the things below and there's hesitation always or/and avoidance. He said he was open to therapy but as the time came for us to start making those plans well here we are now. I love him but don't think he'll make a good partner for me afterall. And YES I thought he was being a bit immature myself. As for being honest... lol are you kidding me it was like pulling teeth trying to get that out of him. Finally had to have a deep conversation and even then he tried to steer away from it twice. I think he was perfectly happy not talking about it and bouncing along but it was hurting me and stressing me out, etc. And no... alas, he's not doing the work, that's the problem. So yeah I need to let him go for good. I've been trying to think exactly what to say to him if anyone has any pointers I'd be appreciative. extremely childish and selfish. He's not a 6 year old. On some level, your relationship was successful because he feels comfortable being honest about his reservations, commitment issues, etc., but it doesn't sound like, at least from your post, that he's doing the work to *relate to YOU* about it. We need romantic partners who are willing and capable of relating to us and being clear about their needs and being open to ours. And being open to therapy, etc., if both people are willing to put the work in, and make a commitment. If he can't make a commitment to work on the issues he's having with you/your relationship, it sounds like he won't be a good partner. You deserve so much better, in that case. Peace and hugs.
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