Should I be worried?

[Concerned Male]

I am not officially but I hope this is an alright place to talk about this...

 

My girlfriend and I are in a very serious relationship, I am 20 and she is 21, we have been together 3 years and most likely will marry after my college career is complete in another 2 or so years. We knew each other a year before that. It's also a long distance relationship but we have done very well so far.

Anyways my gf doesn't have many friends sadly to to her shyness, she has one male friend she met online 3 years ago around the time we became a couple. I didn't mind really but about a year ago after my gf visited and she left her email open and in it she had saved some IM logs. This guy was flirting heavily with her. Very suggestive very obvious comments. He wasn't subtle AT ALL. She did nothing back or anything and I got over it.

Well we spent the summer together and I got curious and checked her chat logs. Now now I know this isn't right, I violated her trust and I should not have done it. But anyways these logs date way back and much of the same. All through the relationship he had been like that except for a brief period when he got married and later divorced.

Well again she hasn't returned any flirting or anything but she doesn't really stop it either. She claims she just ignores it. I have been concerned however as I find they have had like 400 + texts between each other a month. She also told me that he is coming down on vacation with his family and wants to meet her at a local tourist attraction there (don't want to give away location for privacy reasons) and spend the day together. Lunch, a movie that kind of thing.

And tonight I find he even called her and they talked on the phone for a few minutes.

Part of what really bothers me is this guy for one reason or another openly hates me, and has even told her if he saw me he would try and kill me. What bothers me more then that comment is she doesn't even bother to defend me. I saw the chat logs and basically she just ignores it or barely says much to it. She claims she doesn't want to start a fight. This hurts me because if anyone said that about her I would probably stop being friends with them. Why be friends with someone who has no respect for your SO? At the very least I would defend her. I told her how uncomfortable I am about all and it just upsets her.

I fully admit I have my own insecurity issues and have made many mistakes, but am I wrong to be concerned about this? She claims he has no interest in her whatsoever, I honestly think that it is so obvious he wants her. Why else would he do all that?

I trust her but I am very worried about what this relationship is becoming. So again I ask, am I being completely unreasonable as she thinks, or do I have a right to feel concerned and that the boundaries of our relationship are being violated?

 

Thanks for any help...

[carhill]

I'd take a hard look at whether her personality is compatible and healthy for you, irrespective of this other person.

 

My *guess* is, due to her shy nature, it's 'easier' for her to relate to people who are drawn to her, as men typically are drawn to women by sexual attraction. It's easier to hold them at arms length and not have to do anything substantial to grow a friendship; rather, just keep the man/men interested enough where they hang around. I call this phenomena 'orbiting'.

 

You're young and will both grow and change a lot in the next decade. To me, if I was eying this person as marriage potential, I'd be seeing a number of red flags, the most obvious being the topic of your post.

 

Welcome to LS

[whichwayisup]

Why does this guy hate you? Just because? Or has she told him stuff about you?

 

Listen to your gut, there's more going on than you realize. She's emotionally attached to him, online, texts etc, he is feeding her ego, whether it's on purpose or not, she IS getting something out of the friendship and it's not helping you and her, your relationship. You snooped, OK, sure, it's not the end of the world, but she is doing something which could cause problems in your relationship.

 

If she meets this guy, you should be there. She doesn't "know" him, only what he tells her online. Even more so since he said he'd kill you if he met you. Something is "off" there.

 

Anyway, she can't have it both ways, time to talk to her, find out what is going on. Also, is this guy married or has he been playing her for a fool?

 

Another thought, don't even consider marriage, you two are so young.

[Concerned Male]

He was married, they divorced. She goes to him whenever we have an argument so I think he might hate me because he pretty much only hears the bad stuff.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would put up with such crap from you? She is disrespecting you and your relationship. A relationship should not be between 3 people.

[carhill]

She goes to him whenever we have an argument so I think he might hate me because he pretty much only hears the bad stuff.

Hey OP, I remember one of my MW's doing the same thing. I wanted to put a bullet into her H. Turns out, no surprise, that he isn't such a bad guy. Her, OTOH, well, life teaches you lessons...

[wheelwright]

I am not officially but I hope this is an alright place to talk about this...

 

My girlfriend and I are in a very serious relationship, I am 20 and she is 21, we have been together 3 years and most likely will marry after my college career is complete in another 2 or so years. We knew each other a year before that. It's also a long distance relationship but we have done very well so far.

Anyways my gf doesn't have many friends sadly to to her shyness, she has one male friend she met online 3 years ago around the time we became a couple. I didn't mind really but about a year ago after my gf visited and she left her email open and in it she had saved some IM logs. This guy was flirting heavily with her. Very suggestive very obvious comments. He wasn't subtle AT ALL. She did nothing back or anything and I got over it.

Well we spent the summer together and I got curious and checked her chat logs. Now now I know this isn't right, I violated her trust and I should not have done it. But anyways these logs date way back and much of the same. All through the relationship he had been like that except for a brief period when he got married and later divorced.

Well again she hasn't returned any flirting or anything but she doesn't really stop it either. She claims she just ignores it. I have been concerned however as I find they have had like 400 + texts between each other a month. She also told me that he is coming down on vacation with his family and wants to meet her at a local tourist attraction there (don't want to give away location for privacy reasons) and spend the day together. Lunch, a movie that kind of thing.

And tonight I find he even called her and they talked on the phone for a few minutes.

Part of what really bothers me is this guy for one reason or another openly hates me, and has even told her if he saw me he would try and kill me. What bothers me more then that comment is she doesn't even bother to defend me. I saw the chat logs and basically she just ignores it or barely says much to it. She claims she doesn't want to start a fight. This hurts me because if anyone said that about her I would probably stop being friends with them. Why be friends with someone who has no respect for your SO? At the very least I would defend her. I told her how uncomfortable I am about all and it just upsets her.

I fully admit I have my own insecurity issues and have made many mistakes, but am I wrong to be concerned about this? She claims he has no interest in her whatsoever, I honestly think that it is so obvious he wants her. Why else would he do all that?

I trust her but I am very worried about what this relationship is becoming. So again I ask, am I being completely unreasonable as she thinks, or do I have a right to feel concerned and that the boundaries of our relationship are being violated?

 

Thanks for any help...

 

You are young. Why not other love interests?

 

For her or you. Over the course of her life, would you be happy for her if you were the only one?

 

Just thinking about who I was and how my BFs felt when I was young.

 

If she/you doesn't get it now, you'll want it later. That's just how it it is - and I'm not even a cynic.

[TheMENemy]

Concerned Male,

 

Her behavior with the OM--other man, and that's what he is, because she's in an emotional relationship/affair with him--excludes her from consideration as marriage material.

 

Given the length of your relationship I'd say it's time for you to move on. If she hasn't been able to fully commit to you after three years she never will.

 

But that's OK because there probably are not very many women nowadays in their early 20's who are marriageable. They are sowing their wild oats the same way the men of that age are.

[seibert253]

Her "ignoring" his flirtations and doing this for 3YEARS, shows a blatent disrespect for you and your relationship.

 

Let me ask you this; if you didn't investigate and locate these IM's, chats, phone calls, would she ever tell you about them, or there nature. I doubt it.

 

He's meeting an emotional need, and she's hiding it from you. That's what's known as an Emotional Affair, (EA), and she's been involved in one with this other dude for 3 YEARS.

 

He wants to kill you, sure. He's in love with your GF and wants her. Do you know why he D'd. If may have something to do with what's been going on with your GF.

 

She wants to go see, him, spend the day with him, dinner and a movie? OH HELL NO!

 

IMO if you want to try and salvage this, you need to lay the SMACKDOWN on her, and bring her crashing back to reality.

 

You need to tell her you know EVERYTHING, IM's, texts, phone calls, and she either ends it our your relationship is finished. Pizz on her if she gets mad, who cares. If she wasn't going behind your back, there would be nothing to hid.

You also need to make it crystal clear, if she see's this dude while he's in town, or she ever contacts him again, you're through. No discussion, no excuses, end of story.

Then she needs to send him a No Contact text and email. You need to read it and watch her send it.

 

If she doesn't do all of these, you're done.

If you want to try to get past this, these are essential and not open for negotiation.

Since you're young and she's already shown such distain and disrespect for your relationship, if I were you, I'd walk.

 

Peace and good luck. Keep us updated.

[reservoirdog1]

I have no problem with a woman I'm in a relationship with having opposite sex friends.

 

It's not a requirement that those opposite sex friends be my close friends. However, those opposite friends must, at the very least, be "friends of the relationship". That is, they are supportive of it, or aren't actively doing anything to damage or undermine it.

 

Based on what you say this guy has done -- highly suggestive comments towards your GF, and telling her that he hates you and wants to kill you -- he isn't a friend of the relationship. This is because (a) he's trying to undermine it, and (b) has a hate on for you. Basically, he's your enemy. And a cancer on your relationship.

 

So, you should tell your GF exactly that, and that by continuing to communicate with him knowing all of that, she is demonstrating a huge lack of respect for you. And her meeting up with him in those circumstances is very inappropriate. (You could always tell her that you're fine with her seeing him... as long as you go with her. She won't go for that, but the idea is to gauge her reaction.)

 

And if she refuses to end contact with him, you should put her to a choice: she gets to have him in her life, or you. Not both.

[wicar1]

I am not officially but I hope this is an alright place to talk about this...

 

My girlfriend and I are in a very serious relationship, I am 20 and she is 21, we have been together 3 years and most likely will marry after my college career is complete in another 2 or so years. We knew each other a year before that. It's also a long distance relationship but we have done very well so far.

Anyways my gf doesn't have many friends sadly to to her shyness, she has one male friend she met online 3 years ago around the time we became a couple. I didn't mind really but about a year ago after my gf visited and she left her email open and in it she had saved some IM logs. This guy was flirting heavily with her. Very suggestive very obvious comments. He wasn't subtle AT ALL. She did nothing back or anything and I got over it.

Well we spent the summer together and I got curious and checked her chat logs. Now now I know this isn't right, I violated her trust and I should not have done it. But anyways these logs date way back and much of the same. All through the relationship he had been like that except for a brief period when he got married and later divorced.

Well again she hasn't returned any flirting or anything but she doesn't really stop it either. She claims she just ignores it. I have been concerned however as I find they have had like 400 + texts between each other a month. She also told me that he is coming down on vacation with his family and wants to meet her at a local tourist attraction there (don't want to give away location for privacy reasons) and spend the day together. Lunch, a movie that kind of thing.

And tonight I find he even called her and they talked on the phone for a few minutes.

Part of what really bothers me is this guy for one reason or another openly hates me, and has even told her if he saw me he would try and kill me. What bothers me more then that comment is she doesn't even bother to defend me. I saw the chat logs and basically she just ignores it or barely says much to it. She claims she doesn't want to start a fight. This hurts me because if anyone said that about her I would probably stop being friends with them. Why be friends with someone who has no respect for your SO? At the very least I would defend her. I told her how uncomfortable I am about all and it just upsets her.

I fully admit I have my own insecurity issues and have made many mistakes, but am I wrong to be concerned about this? She claims he has no interest in her whatsoever, I honestly think that it is so obvious he wants her. Why else would he do all that?

I trust her but I am very worried about what this relationship is becoming. So again I ask, am I being completely unreasonable as she thinks, or do I have a right to feel concerned and that the boundaries of our relationship are being violated?

 

Thanks for any help...

 

You cannot marry someone who keeps a close friendship with a guy who says he wants to kill her bf. He says he wants to kill you and she gives her phone number to him and even wanna meet him.... wtf.....what is she a psycho.... !!!! Dude....leave her, you are young.......you will find someone great..... dont spoil your future ...by having a gf or wife like her....

[TheLoveAdvisor]

400 text a month is more than a friendship... You waited a bit to long and things have grown... You need to give her space, do something productive like find some friends, get a hobby, somebody to chat with!

You both are young and have many curious things to look forward to...

If she Fancy's somebody, which this looks obvious, there is nothing you can do but tell her how you feel about it..If she doesn't change her patterns any, then you must make changes in your life because she is doing this already... Give her space to think, find a girl to text, and if she gets jealous, then you can tell her this is how her friend makes you feel...

Sounds like she may have become bored a bit...

[jnj express]

You say the two of you are in a long distance relationship----and he is going to be where she is for, what a week,----YOU HAVE A LARGE PROBLEM-----you will never really know what goes on with the two of them-----you can set up checks with a partner via cellphone---but you really don't know anything more than that they are talking to you on the phone----you would never know who is with them----

 

I am not sure you can do much more than hope for the best during the time they will be together-------the posters above have already given you excellent advice----you should think long and hard about following the advice you have been given.

[Concerned Male]

Thanks for all your replies! We've talked a bit about it. She said they are just friends and told me there. She did listen to my concerns though. I said she could be friends with him as long as she told them they can't meet alone, and that she needs to stop his advances and to provide proof of all this happening over however long until I agreed. She agreed to that, but the next day claimed she would just stop contacting him altogether.

I think that "orbiting" thing carhill mentioned is correct in this case, and I don't think she meant for anything inappropriate happen, I guess she just couldn't see how it looked from my point of view.

I don't know how it will go be she has complied with everything I have asked of her, we had a long conversation about the relationship and if she felt anything. She admitted she liked the attention and that may have been why she tolerated it. I think we just need to sit and create clear guidelines that won't cause any confusion. There may have been red flags but she has shown willingness to work through our issues, and I assure you I have been no saint either so we both have a lot to learn. I still want to marry her eventually, and maybe it would be good to wait as we go through the growing pains before we start setting the date and sending invitations out.

I have faith in us.

Thanks again for your help everyone I'll post again if there is any updates.