I feel embarrassed for myself.

[durkadurka]

It's been a little while since I've posted here, been so busy with school, work, and sports that I don't have time to digest what has happened to me over the last 5 months (but in particular, the last 2). I even have a date set up with a girl for this weekend, in the little free time that I have.

 

3 months ago, I flew to another country to visit my ex but not quite my ex, 2 months ago she told me she was seeing someone else. Since then it has been a roller coaster, a mix of turmoil, dread, and despair. I've been too busy to give it any attention. It's only by the virtue of the fact I've got a sports injury, that I've been able to find the time to write this out.

 

I've come to realize, that along with feeling exhausted, I also feel embarrassed for myself. It's times like these, when I haven't heard from her in a week or two, that I realized how she's made a mockery of me. That she has made me feel bad for things that I have nothing to feel bad about. Still, she's made a hobby of saying all the wrong, terrible, and mean things she possibly could. Whether it was conscious or subconscious, my ex used me, and I can't believe that I still feel upset and sad about the situation, or concern for her.

 

I'm not sure if that makes me a good person, or a joke. I'm embarrassed that I let her chew me up, and spit me out like I was a dog's chew toy. We men, we love doing things for our women, it makes us feel manly. There are no limits to what we will do for those we love, even if it destroys us.

 

I don't know if it is worth going into details, and why I feel embarrassed. It is hard to write, while keeping it brief, and I don't want to turn this into a novel for everyone.

Edited November 4, 2010 by durkadurka

[sacg]

I know exactly what you mean, and how you feel.

 

Did the same to me, and I still don't resent her. Should, but I just cant.

 

hardest thing is how, how she could!

[reknown29]

same situation here. my ex went from telling me how sweet I am to all of a sudden ripping me a part after saying she doesnt want to be with me, like that isnt bad enough. it was her just justifying the breakup to herself. Its a very self-centered way to go about it, imo. So I wouldnt feel embarassed. She should feel embarassed fro dealing with it so poorly. Your the one with the heart. Your here improving and trying figure things out on this forum. Shes going on being the same person and will be mean at the end to the next guy who gets his heart ripped out.

Im like you in that I blame myself but its been two months and I am just now getting angry at the situation. Its been a slow process for me. Push to get angry at her if you can. Im sure there are things that she did that were difficult. Focus on those and dont let her chew you up anymore. Dont get upset for letting it happen. You let your heart go and that is a brave thing to do. You had no idea what she was going to do with it. She did this to you, dont let it bring you down anymore. Find something better. Grieve and forget her.

[alwayshoping]

Please dont feel embarresed. Easier said then done I know. But think of it this way. When Einstein made mistakes he didnt get embarresed. He simply kept trying right? probably a poor example, but you get what I mean. Its a learning curve and no matter what happened, It doesnt matter, you are a better person at the end of this then you were throught the mistakes. You have learned.

 

So try to keep your head up. The fact your embarresed show you to be of good moral charicter. In the future you wont make the same mistakes and thats all anyone can ask of you.

 

Best of luck x