havehope Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Background: boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me and left for another girl. I've been struggling with something ever since, but for some reason its bothering me more lately, so I decided to vent it out (think it has to do with his birthday just passing) I haven't had a significant relationship with anyone since him (1.5years), and I'm miserable being alone. I'm in my 20s and I feel like I should be sharing new life experiences with a significant other and I'm not. Doesn't help most of my friends are either married or engaged. Some days, like today, this hits me harder than usual. I've pretty much stuck with my standards (with 1 weak moment exception) and not lowered them just for the sake of being with somone but its harder to stick with them now because I just want to be happy again somehow. Prior to the break up I never had self-esteem issues. I was a pretty confident person who had a love me or leave me attitude. But ever since he rejected me emotionally and physically, my self esteem plummeted. The more time that goes by alone without dates or relationships makes me feel worse. If he didn't want me, then would anyone? Which leads me to believe I'm turning into one of my worst fears: THAT girl who needs attention from guys/a bf to be happy. When a cute guy says hi, it makes me feel good. Then I get depressed because thats what made me feel good, not something like going to the gym. I don't want to be that girl at all. I was never like that before and I want to be confident me I was prior to all the cheating I never thought my self-esteem would take this big of a hit for this long over some d-bag who isn't worth it. I don't know how to get my confidence back correctly
skydiveaddict Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 It is natural to want to be with someone. You are not one of "those girls". Unless I am one of "those guys". Single is alright for a while. But we all (with few exceptions) want someone to share our lives with.
WTRanger Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 It's not wrong to feel good when a person you think is attractive interacts with you. It's a natural response from your body. In fact it's the same chemicals as you get when you go to the gym. That doesn't mean you need guys attention to always feel good. I think it's a good sign. I'd be more worried if you felt nothing when a guy talked to you. You just have to keep getting out there. When you were trying to learn how to walk, you fell a lot. Probably hurt a few times too. But you didn't stop trying. This is no different. You can't be afraid to get back out there, but at the same time you need to be comfortable being alone with who you are as a person. Right now, the fear of being alone is driving you and that's not good.
D-Lish Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 It's really liberating when you get to a point in your life where you don't need another person to define who you are. I think you have to go through a period of doubt and make a series of mistakes in order to work through it and triumph. What you need is to put thoughts of romance aside and put some accomplishments under your belt. The worst time to search for a relationship is when you aren't feeling the greatest about yourself. When you feel bad about yourself, you'll attract negative partners. When you feel good about yourself, you'll make better choices regarding potential partners- even if that means staying single until the right person comes along. Set some goals and aspirations that have nothing to do with romance- they can be personal or professional- and focus on that for the time being.
stopthemadness Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Background: boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me and left for another girl. I've been struggling with something ever since, but for some reason its bothering me more lately, so I decided to vent it out (think it has to do with his birthday just passing) I haven't had a significant relationship with anyone since him (1.5years), and I'm miserable being alone. I'm in my 20s and I feel like I should be sharing new life experiences with a significant other and I'm not. Doesn't help most of my friends are either married or engaged. Some days, like today, this hits me harder than usual. I've pretty much stuck with my standards (with 1 weak moment exception) and not lowered them just for the sake of being with somone but its harder to stick with them now because I just want to be happy again somehow. Prior to the break up I never had self-esteem issues. I was a pretty confident person who had a love me or leave me attitude. But ever since he rejected me emotionally and physically, my self esteem plummeted. The more time that goes by alone without dates or relationships makes me feel worse. If he didn't want me, then would anyone? Which leads me to believe I'm turning into one of my worst fears: THAT girl who needs attention from guys/a bf to be happy. When a cute guy says hi, it makes me feel good. Then I get depressed because thats what made me feel good, not something like going to the gym. I don't want to be that girl at all. I was never like that before and I want to be confident me I was prior to all the cheating I never thought my self-esteem would take this big of a hit for this long over some d-bag who isn't worth it. I don't know how to get my confidence back correctly We all went through that or are going through that now. Ive been broke up a few months now. But we were trying to be "friends" untell last week when he told me me was seeing someone. Needless to say am not taking it very well. I feel like you do. If he dont want me no one else will. But deep down I know thats not ture, and so do you right? Am not saying dont be sad if you need to be but, over a year is way to long to still be feeling like it happened yesterday. Have you ever thought of getting some help just someone to talk to? Thats my game plan. I really feel like i need to. I dont want to feel like this any longer then I have too, ya know. Just something to think about..good luck
Author havehope Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Thanks so much - I know you guys have commented on my other threads and I always think you have good insight and I appreciate your advice/comments. skydiveaddict: I guess I need to realize it is normal to want to be with someone, I just need to not put so much pressure on myself - I dont want to come across as desperate! Everyone says the right one will come along when it's the right time... but I think I'm scared that when I'm emotionally okay, there will be no more genuine guys left! WTRanger: you are right - the thought of being alone is driving me constantly. But I think I am scared to get out there because I don't want anyone to hurt me like he did... I don't think I could survive another breakup. This one is killing me... but at the same time I'm so ready to spend time with someone bc as previously mentioned, I'm miserable right now being alone. I think I'm scared I'll never find anyone and I'll be alone forever... while he is happy as a clam with her, the one who caused all this pain in the first place. I hate that. D-Lish: you're right too - I want to be my own person before I can be a person for someone else. I'm trying to focus on new goals. Everyone once and a while I accomplish something, then I say "damn, I wish I could share this with him" but I'm trying to realize I have other people that would be excited for me that I could tell. And you have a good point... I need to stop having romantic goals for a while and focus on me... stopthemadness: I'm considering talking to someone. I'm hesitating because it would make me mad that he caused me so much pain that I had to go into therapy for it, and I don't like thinking he hurt me that bad. But he did and I'm at that point where I'll do just about anything to be over him and be happy again. This is dragging on too long.
Am4Real Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) Background: boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me and left for another girl. To put things in perspective let me ask you this...since the very first time in your life that you dated, have you ever rejected or turned away someone who obviously had great feelings for you? It's likely you have because we all have. However, some of us are more "professional" or "courteous" or even "more sensitive" and even "tactful" than others who are anything but the aforementioned. The truth of the matter is many times in relationships feelings change, circumstances change; it happens and even though we see repetitive reasons, the situations are somewhat unique and special to each relationship. Regardless it is those that can muster the courage to deal with such things and communicate the changes effectively that often leave the least damage. In your case the communication through introduction of a third party (cheating) was the worse of the worse, however factually and objectively speaking it was still the same rejection you might have given someone else earlier in your life. I hope that makes sense as I mean not to desensitize your situation, but rather put things into perspective when you called him out as a D-bag you were in fact correct in criticizing his methods of communication (only). A rejection should be a signaled communication difference and, although incorrectly communicated takes on a notion of impairment and personal destruction. I understand how you feel and why! Now pick yourself up and don't let his poor and tactless communications take the life out of you...it's not worth the crappy feelings! His poor communications will be returned to him one day, it always comes back around... Best Wishes, Am4Real Edited November 5, 2010 by Am4Real
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