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So your girlfriend comes to you and says she wants to take a pole dancing class…

akeshabelle

By akeshabelle
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Tim The Enchanter Established Member

Tim The Enchanter

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No, I believe everyone is free to make choices... but not free of the consequences. So don't be dumb...

 

Having the freedom to choose also means having the freedom to accept the consequences. Every action has a reaction. And if anyone is being dumb around here, it's certainly not me.

loverofloveandstuff Established Member

loverofloveandstuff

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Having the freedom to choose also means having the freedom to accept the consequences. Every action has a reaction. And if anyone is being dumb around here, it's certainly not me.

 

:laugh:hahaha. Dude you are the best!

sweetjasmine Established Member

sweetjasmine

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I think you happened to skip the part where instead of discussing his concerns with her in a mature manner, the guy simply resorted to little snipes here and there to make his feelings known, even after she refused the class to please him.

 

After a whole year!

 

Not to mention, this isn't the only instance of verbal abuse.

 

OP needs help getting out of an abusive relationship with a controlling person who pushes all the right buttons to make her scared to leave. Arguing about freaking pole dancing isn't going to help.

BS76 Established Member

BS76

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A few months ago a girlfriend of mine asked me if I was interested in joining her for a pole dancing fitness class. Having always heard they are a barrell of laughs with the girls and also help to get you fit, I was instantly excited and accepted. When I went home that night and told my boyfriend I was going to be taking the class he was not pleased. He turned quiet on me and when I asked him what was wrong he said he thought doing the class was sleazy, disrespectful to him and he didn't understand how it could be a fun thing and a confidence booster for a lot of women. He said that if his family were having a get together one night and I was at one of my "classes" he would be embarrassed to tell them so.

 

He didn't SAY he didn't want me to do it, but he made me feel terribly guilty so I told my girlfriend I had changed my mind. All these months later, even though I DIDN'T take the class, he makes snide remarks (which he tries to pass off as jokes) if anything about pole dancing comes on tv. He punishes me despite the fact that I didn't even take the class, then claims he never held me back. I find this to be terribly manipulative.

 

Guys how would you feel if your girl came to you and told you she wanted to participate in one of these classes? Is my bf just being insecure or is he right? To me it just seemed like a bit of fun with your girlfriends!

 

He pulls this stunt all the time if he disapproves of something I want to do/wear/somewhere I want to go.

 

 

Since he felt it's inappropriate good on you for making him happy by not going. It's his bad for making the remarks though as you didn't go.

ReturnToSender Established Member

ReturnToSender

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Hey now...no one is going to change UF's mind. Hes very firm in his convictions, and you know what..thats fine. He knows what he is comfortable with, and everyone has their own boundaries of what they find acceptable or unacceptable.

 

On the same note, UF cannot impress on anyone else to live by his standards of what women should or shouldnt be allowed to do. Its all personal choice, and something to take up with the man/woman in our lives.

 

That would be like me telling people how disgusting they are for finding whipped cream and chocolate or any food play in bed sexy...Now I can say I find that gross! LoL! But what do I care if someone else does it....that would be pretty maniacal controlling to say y'all shouldnt do anything I wouldnt do eh?! Or that y'all are dumb and will have to face the consequences...sticky sheets! OMG! You pervs..heheh! Hilarious even if I were to expect people to say oooh okay, yeah, Ill never do that cause RTS said so. Ahhh! :D

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akeshabelle Member

akeshabelle

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Yes... A normal guy who doesn't go to strip clubs.

 

I don’t know if this is of any relevance to your argument, but he actually used to DATE strippers. He was a security guard and nightclub manager before he entered his current profession. His best friend even dated a prostitute once, which he had no problem with.

 

Eh... we are only getting one side of the story here. She could be making snide remarks all the time about how controlling he is...

 

I have NEVER told him how I feel about this. Why do you think I am coming to an anonymous forum instead? I cant even talk to my friends or family because I am afraid they would judge him. If I continue with the relationship I don’t want that uncomfortable situation.

 

The big issue seems to be that she thinks it's all fun and games... when in fact there are some implications involved that she should be considering.

 

What implications?

 

In her OP she either stated or implied that it would make her feel sexy.

 

Why? Why would it make her feel sexy?

 

Because it's associated with strippers...

 

It makes me feel sexy because of how it looks to me, so gorgeous and mesmerizing. I love the female body and I love to watch them pole dance - clothed! It has nothing to do with strippers.

 

There are a lot of things associated with things like bachelor parties too, but they don’t always happen.

 

I don’t care what it’s associated with anyway, the fact is, it ISN’T STRIPPING. I am not there in a thong and nothing more, with my legs apart, begging for dollars. I am with a group of women, having a bit of fun and getting fit at the same time.

 

For heaven’s sake, the girl who asked me to join her at the class is a married, respected lawyer. Her husband didn’t have a problem with her doing it.

 

I also want to point out that seeing the comments as snide is my personal interpretation. As I think I mentioned earlier, he always does it in a joking way, but to me it’s not funny. I wish he’d just get over it. I didn’t even take the class.

 

The irony is, if I ever make a point of reminding him about something he’s done that genuinely hurt me, in the same "joking" manner as he does it to me, boy oh boy does he get mad. It’s ok for him to do it though.

 

Thanks for your feedback everyone. :)

Edited by akeshabelle
TheMENemy Established Member

TheMENemy

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I suppose that’s where we differ. I am NOT ok with it. :confused:

 

I have been with him for 6.5 years and never asked him not to do/have anything. Not once. He has mountains of porn including hundreds of photos and videos on his mobile phone, but as uncomfortable as that makes me he is a grown man and is allowed to do whatever the hell he wants. I have nothing against porn, I just don’t understand why he needs as much as he has.

 

He often makes me feel like a child being chastised by her father. A few months ago we had another couple stay at our house and the female of the couple and I were on Facebook, just joking and mucking around and he got mad with me. Told me I was being rude and antisocial even though I was having the fun with one of our guests, who was also having a great time. I don’t get him sometimes. :confused:

 

 

Actually OP it sounds like you are pretty much "done" with this relationship anyway.

TheMENemy Established Member

TheMENemy

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wow man..yeah sounds like my best friends bf for sure.. He and I got into a blow out argument once because she and I were talking and laughng about something or another, and he felt it was disrespectful to see two grown women talking and laughing like school girls. I told him, well weve known each other since we were 12...we've been talking and laughing together since we really were school girls!

 

He. Blew. Up.

 

That one thing led to me on a 4 hour drive back home in the middle of the night, in tears, on the phone with my bf who wanted to come out there and kill the guy over some disrespectful things he said to me. Oh boy...

 

Now that your guy is stashing a porn collection, he obviously doesnt find the whole display of sexuality thing gross...just that *you* cant do this thing that has nothing to do with any men around, or anything to do with being in a sexual situation with anyone. I dont know...totally your call. This for me would be a deal-breaker, but youve been with him so long. Is this new for him, or has he always been likie this and only now is it really bothering you?

 

 

Reading between the lines a little, it sounds like your gf's boyfriend sees you as some kind of a "bad influence" on her.

ReturnToSender Established Member

ReturnToSender

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Reading between the lines a little, it sounds like your gf's boyfriend sees you as some kind of a "bad influence" on her.

 

Actually you are spot on... Hes said flat out he thinks Im a bad influence. This whole episode happened about 2 years ago, and since then we've all sat down and talked about it and so things are about as fine as they will be between us since.

 

I told him I was incredibly offended he saw me that way...she and I had been friends for over 20 years...the impact Ive made on her life helped make her the woman she was who he fell in love with just as much as the impact she has made on my life that helped make me who I was. I also pointed out that she and I have never let each other down, have total trust in each other, and that the least he could do is trust her judgement in me as a friend.

 

On the same note, my best friend asked me to trust her judgement in him as her bf....he and I have made a real effort there, and things have been way better ever since. Still, whenever I see or hear him doing something I find controlling or making her feel crappy, I have to repeat my mantra "shes ok with that" and just be a listening ear. She knows Id be there in a heartbeat if things went too far and she needed me, thats the most I can do at this point anymore.

sanskrit Established Member

sanskrit

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It's none of your business. If women like that, that's their prerogative.

 

Interesting, so if couched in those terms, you wouldn't mind your 16 y.o. daughter taking pole dance classes? And others who adamantly defend pole-dancing as being unrelated to stripping, if your 16 y.o. daughter came and asked for 8 inch plastic pole-dancing shoes for her class, would that be a problem?

Edited by sanskrit
sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

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Interesting, so if couched in those terms, you wouldn't mind your 16 y.o. daughter taking pole dance classes? And others who adamantly defend pole-dancing as being unrelated to stripping, if your 16 y.o. daughter came and asked for 8 inch plastic pole dancing shoes for her class, would that be a problem?

 

I'd rather any 16 year old daughter of mine to have her first experiences in being sexy happen fully clothed and in the safe company of other women in a pole dancing class than say......

 

As a high school cheerleader riding the away game bus. The team and the cheer squad rode together when I was in school.

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akeshabelle Member

akeshabelle

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You destroy their ability to stand up for themselves, and they feel too scared and powerless to leave.

 

You hit the nail on the head right here, jasmine. I am so pleased to see people understand. :)

 

Sadly the only time I have the courage to stick up for myself with him is when I have had about 1,000 glasses of wine. :o

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akeshabelle Member

akeshabelle

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Interesting, so if couched in those terms, you wouldn't mind your 16 y.o. daughter taking pole dance classes? And others who adamantly defend pole-dancing as being unrelated to stripping, if your 16 y.o. daughter came and asked for 8 inch plastic pole-dancing shoes for her class, would that be a problem?

 

First of all the majority of classes, that I looked at anyway, are done barefoot. :p

 

Secondly, it’s a class! She’s not asking me for lingerie or a packet of cigarettes or money for alcohol, it’s a damn fitness class. If it makes her feel good about herself then she can go for it! God knows, 16 year olds are out there doing a lot more than pole dancing fully clothed in a room with other women, she might as well be getting fit out of it!

 

I guess it’s one of those things that’s open to interpretation. Some people still think it’s sleazy and all about strippers and some have learnt to separate the 2 and have absolutely no problem with it.

 

I’m proud to be one of the latter. :)

 

So I guess I’ll just go back to my neck to knee dressing and he can look at all the “drunk sluts” and “hot teens” he likes, while making ME feel disgusting. Seems fair. :rolleyes:

Edited by akeshabelle
Daviss New Member

Daviss

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Maybe he doesn't want to have his future wife (the OP) be anything that resembles a stripper. He's dated strippers, but he doesn't see you as one of those "trashy" girls he used to date. He sees you in a different light. There's a difference between a wife and a stripper. That could be his way of thinking.

 

Let me ask you a question. If you wanted to take this class for the exercise, then why didn't just join a normal gym? I'm pretty sure this stripper class is a great workout. But this class has little to do with working out, and more to do with mimicking moves that a stripper does. That's why you joined it. You joined it because you want to feel a little slutty.

 

Even if you're not going to dance in a thong in that class, you could've used what you practiced in that class and spiced it up at home for your boyfriend while you have your thongs.

 

It doesn't matter if your single, or have a boyfriend or a husband. You join a stripper class to learn how to become someone like a stripper without actually being a stripper to earn a living.

 

If your boyfriend wants a stripper, he'll date a stripper. He wanted you to become his girlfriend because he thought you had more class and integrity than that.

 

This class wanted to advertise itself as a course of "great exercise" just to get more girls to join. Because girls have that little stripper in them. They just threw in the words "great exercise" just to give you an excuse to join the class without feeling dirty about yourself. These people are geniuses.

 

I think you should end your relationship with him. And find yourself a boyfriend whose sleazy and thinks all women should be dirty strippers and someone who will treat you like one.

 

When I see a stripper pole, I think strippers. I don't think salsa dancers or someone who's looking to give themselves a great workout. When I see a stripper pole, I think of someone who doesn't deserve respect. And respect is something that you lost with your boyfriend. Find someone who has no respect for you and treats you like a stripper.

 

You wanted to take this class to compete against the women who your boyfriend dates before he made some sense of himself. If you tell any man that you're taking such a course, none of them are going to think "great exercise." They are going to think STRIPPER. That's why so many men in here want you to take it. Because they like strippers.

 

If you want a great workout, then why don't you just jog? I bet your boyfriend won't be opposed to that.

 

Your boyfriend is done with trashy women, and you betrayed him by turning into a woman who wants to practice trashy behavior.

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akeshabelle Member

akeshabelle

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Have you considered leaving him? You seem like such an intelligent and vibrant woman. I don't mean to be disrespectful, I am just curious as to why you put up with this? He isn't going to change.

 

At the risk of sounding like a pathetic Maury Povich guest, I love him. :)

 

Despite all the awful things I have told you here (which I am now getting the guilts about, mind you. I have a constant fear he is going to stumble across one of my threads during his daily internet browsing and put 2 and 2 together), 90% of the time things are quite wonderful between us.

 

He is my best friend and still after 6.5 years together tells me I am his everything and that he’d be lost without me. He tells me I get more beautiful every day and that there is no one like me. He buys me sweet gifts for no reason and he loves my family. I often catch him staring at me and smiling for no reason at all.

 

He has a horrible way of making it known that he doesn’t want me to do something, but I love the man, what can I say?

 

Let me ask you a question. If you wanted to take this class for the exercise, then why didn't just join a normal gym? I'm pretty sure this stripper class is a great workout. But this class has little to do with working out, and more to do with mimicking moves that a stripper does. That's why you joined it. You joined it because you want to feel a little slutty.

 

There is a big difference between feeling slutty and feeling sensuous.

 

I have done the other classes – zumba, aerobics, pilates etc etc. I am a member of a gym. I wanted to try something different, exciting, something more. I was bored with my lame-ass workout classes.

 

When I see a stripper pole, I think of someone who doesn't deserve respect.

 

WOW. That’s very judgmental of you. :(

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akeshabelle Member

akeshabelle

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Well my dear, I sincerely wish you the best of luck. :)

 

Thank you so much, I appreciate it, and everything you’ve contributed. :)

 

Oh and boys if you’re interested, there are men’s pole dancing classes too. ;)

 

This guy is pretty incredible. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/26/AR2010042603094.html?wprss=rss_health

Edited by akeshabelle
aerogurl87 Established Member

aerogurl87

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I don't understand why a man wouldn't want his girlfriend/wife to dance sexily for him. My boyfriend and I have discussed it and he said when we move in he's getting me a pole for our bedroom (which will make me very happy :)) What's wrong with a woman expressing her sexuality?

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akeshabelle Member

akeshabelle

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I don't understand why a man wouldn't want his girlfriend/wife to dance sexily for him. My boyfriend and I have discussed it and he said when we move in he's getting me a pole for our bedroom (which will make me very happy :)) What's wrong with a woman expressing her sexuality?

 

A lot, apparently. :rolleyes:

 

That’s great, good for you! :cool:

Daviss New Member

Daviss

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There is a big difference between feeling slutty and feeling sensuous.

 

So there's nothing slutty about taking this stripper class? Stop giving yourself excuses and admit that this is a slutty activity and that you want to release that side of you. That's why you're taking it. Because you feel that you're not slutty enough for your boyfriend just like his exes were.

 

 

I have done the other classes – zumba, aerobics, pilates etc etc. I am a member of a gym. I wanted to try something different, exciting,

and slutty,

 

something more.

 

More slutty, you mean?

 

I was bored with my lame-ass workout classes.

 

Because they weren't slutty enough. Admit it, you want to tarnish your image by turning yourself into a slutty, stripper wanna-be. I have no respect for women who want to turn themselves into trash by dancing by the pole, thinking it's empowerment, when it's nothing more than degrading. You want to show your boyfriend that you are just like his exes, when he wants you to be a decent woman who isn't a cheap copy of what he once had. This is what he's trying to tell you. No wonder he feels disrespected. He's changed his ways, it seems, and wants a girl who does not remind him of the sleaze he used to date.

 

I give you an F.

 

WOW. That’s very judgmental of you. :(

 

I'm not the one who's turning you into a slut yourself by dancing next to a pole. You are.

 

Stop calling it sensual, and start calling it what it really is: slutty and tasteless. I wonder what your grandmother would say about all of this?

 

Again, if you tell men that you're taking a stripper class, how can you expect them not to think of you as an aspiring stripper who wants to sleaze herself. You are disrespecting your boyfriend, the one who you say you love.

 

Are want to become the closest thing to a stripper without being one, but you want to be as slutty.

 

Strippers are like books that wealthy people keep in libraries in their homes - nice to look at, but rarely if ever is anything meaningful done with them. And if you're not careful, you'll be one of them.

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akeshabelle Member

akeshabelle

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I am appalled at your male chauvinism and borderline misogyny.

 

I am usually happy to accept everyone’s opinions and I don’t usually say stuff like this but YOU, with your derogatory and unnecessary name calling, are a closed minded, horrible, pig of a person. :(

loverofloveandstuff Established Member

loverofloveandstuff

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I think he's just trolling belle. That or, completely deluded.

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