Jump to content

So your girlfriend comes to you and says she wants to take a pole dancing class…

akeshabelle

By akeshabelle
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

  • Author
akeshabelle Member

akeshabelle

Posted
  • Author
Posted

:eek:

 

Wow.

 

You sound just like him.

Anela Established Member

Anela

Posted
Posted
Pole dancing isn't sexy... it's gross. If I wanted to date a stripper I would. There are many other types of dancing that actually are sexy.

 

Maybe he isn't being snide so much as you are being over sensitive.

 

But he *is* being snide... I would understand if she'd done something for him to worry about, but she didn't (and it sounds as though *he* would have been the one to benefit from her classes).

Anela Established Member

Anela

Posted
Posted

 

Seriously... because it's going to make HIM feel like your a cheap stripper!

 

Why does everything have to be all about you, you, you... only about how you feel? How you act and what you do does affect other people. Just running around doing whatever you like is selfish. So... maybe your BF is a douche... but in this instance... he has a valid point!

 

Maybe he should get rid of his porn stash then, since he's so disgusted by the whole idea of women getting naked for strange men and for money... no more porn on the phone, no more girls gone wild.

Mme. Chaucer Established Member

Mme. Chaucer

Posted
Posted
:eek:

 

Wow.

 

You sound just like him.

 

Akeshabelle, a relationship with a controlling man is not ever going to be a positive, much less a joyous situation for you.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
:eek:

Wow.

You sound just like him.

 

Yes... A normal guy who doesn't go to strip clubs.

 

My buddy in college bought a pole to put in his house... and he would invite all the drunk sleazy girls to come over and dance. They used to use the Carmen Electra Pole Dance CD.

 

Is it that surprising that a guy would not want you to act like a stripper?

lucylove Member

lucylove

Posted
Posted

the "sleazy" is taken out of it when you consider the purpose; it is in this case used as a form of exercise, fun, etc. It isn't like any men are even present, and you aren't getting paid to do it.

He is comparing apples to oranges. Ridiculous. This isn't about whether or not your potential hobby is immoral/degrading, it's about control.

The fact that he still harasses you about it is entirely mean spirited, and reinforces that he is seeking control. He controlled your choice of an innocent hobby, and now he is controlling how you feel about yourself because of it.

He is using guilt as a serious weapon. I would recommend you pick up a copy of "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted

He didn't SAY he didn't want me to do it, but he made me feel terribly guilty so I told my girlfriend I had changed my mind.

 

 

 

Akeshabelle, a relationship with a controlling man is not ever going to be a positive, much less a joyous situation for you.

 

Everyone has a right to draw boundaries in their relationships. That doesn't make it controlling.

 

Otherwise what your saying is that nobody has the right to ask things of their SO.

PratyekaYana Established Member

PratyekaYana

Posted
Posted
So... pole dancing isn't sexy... but it makes her feel sexy? That makes no sense.

 

Bottom line: Stippers don't salsa, or zumba... they pole dance. Some guys have a thing for strippers... if you like pole dancing... go find a guy that likes strippers.

How many times does one have to draw a line of demarcation before the point sinks in? Ignoring the entire discussion of ethics behind the stripping profession and the associated puritanical judgment, what the OP suggested to her boyfriend was not stripping. It was a pole dancing class.

 

I sense the argument rushing to your fingers now. "Strippers pole dance and if she wants to pole dance, thus making her a stripper, she needs to find a guy who wants to deal with that."

 

Pole dancing doesn't make a young woman a stripper anymore than putting on a suit of armor makes a young man a knight. Stop applying associations to her unfairly.

 

Ugh... really? You honestly can't see a difference between pole dancing and salsa?

 

Gee... I wonder why they don't have a pole dancing section of "Dancing With The Stars"?

 

Salsa in public and people will clap if you do it well... Pole dance in public and someones going to shove money down your crotch. Get the difference?

Of course there is a difference between salsa and pole dancing. There is a mechanical difference between salsa and pole dancing, there is an interactive difference between the two, there are a host of differences between the two. What loverofloveandstuff was arguing was that the two are similar to one another in that they are both art forms, and who is to say differently? More importantly, on what grounds--social acceptance?

 

Seriously... because it's going to make HIM feel like your a cheap stripper!

 

Why does everything have to be all about you, you, you... only about how you feel? How you act and what you do does affect other people. Just running around doing whatever you like is selfish. So... maybe your BF is a douche... but in this instance... he has a valid point!

 

As for "Girls Night"... I have seen enough "Girls Nights" at clubs and bars to know about 75% of the women involved are seeking male attention.

If she isn't a cheap stripper, then his feelings are not contingent upon the reality of the situation. His feelings evolve out of some notion of sexual propriety which she may or may not share. No matter; this is something that she has an interest in and something that her boyfriend has no real justification in protesting.
sweetjasmine Established Member

sweetjasmine

Posted
Posted
How can someone do that to someone else that they claim to love so much? That's not love. :( Shouldn’t he, by his age, know how to deal with these kinds of things in a relationship?

 

It's a control/manipulation tactic. You're worried someone won't stick around, so you mess with their self-esteem to keep them close. You make them feel worthless, like they don't deserve any better and like you're the best they can ever hope for. You destroy their ability to stand up for themselves, and they feel too scared and powerless to leave.

 

If he does this now, I am scared of what he might do if I try and leave his life.

 

If you're worried about physical violence, contact a women's shelter. But I think it might be a good idea for you to talk to a counselor first.

 

Why does everything have to be all about you, you, you... only about how you feel? How you act and what you do does affect other people. Just running around doing whatever you like is selfish. So... maybe your BF is a douche... but in this instance... he has a valid point!

 

If you have a valid point with your girlfriend, do you spend AN ENTIRE YEAR making derogatory comments about it when she's already decided not to do whatever it was you didn't want her to do?

 

Why does considering a pole dancing class justify an entire year's worth of verbal abuse?

sanskrit Established Member

sanskrit

Posted
Posted

Would prefer a GF take a different type of dance class than pole dancing, but his inability to just let something like that go, especially since you didn't make a big fuss about it and never took the class, is very immature.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
How many times does one have to draw a line of demarcation before the point sinks in? Ignoring the entire discussion of ethics behind the stripping profession and the associated puritanical judgment, what the OP suggested to her boyfriend was not stripping. It was a pole dancing class.

I sense the argument rushing to your fingers now. "Strippers pole dance and if she wants to pole dance, thus making her a stripper, she needs to find a guy who wants to deal with that."

Pole dancing doesn't make a young woman a stripper anymore than putting on a suit of armor makes a young man a knight. Stop applying associations to her unfairly.

 

So your saying that I'm wrong to associate the dance that strippers do with strippers? I'm wrong to feel uncomfortable with my GF learning strip dancing?

 

 

 

Of course there is a difference between salsa and pole dancing. There is a mechanical difference between salsa and pole dancing, there is an interactive difference between the two, there are a host of differences between the two. What loverofloveandstuff was arguing was that the two are similar to one another in that they are both art forms, and who is to say differently? More importantly, on what grounds--social acceptance?

 

No... they are not both art forms. One is strongly associated with selling sex and prostitution.

 

If she isn't a cheap stripper, then his feelings are not contingent upon the reality of the situation. His feelings evolve out of some notion of sexual propriety which she may or may not share. No matter; this is something that she has an interest in and something that her boyfriend has no real justification in protesting.

 

No... he has a right to voice his opinion. Following with snide remarks is inappropriate. Although so is acting all butt hurt that someone doesn't agree with all of your choices.

 

Otherwise your saying that you don't have a right to disagree with any action your BF may wish to take.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted

If you have a valid point with your girlfriend, do you spend AN ENTIRE YEAR making derogatory comments about it when she's already decided not to do whatever it was you didn't want her to do?

Why does considering a pole dancing class justify an entire year's worth of verbal abuse?

 

Eh... we are only getting one side of the story here. She could be making snide remarks all the time about how controlling he is... like all the other female posters who seem to believe its Ok for THEM to express feelings and opinions... but not for a guy.

 

Otherwise the BF is being a jerk and she should tell him to knock it off.

loverofloveandstuff Established Member

loverofloveandstuff

Posted
Posted (edited)

So... pole dancing isn't sexy... but it makes her feel sexy? That makes no sense.

 

I never said pole dancing wasn't sexy... that's what you said. It wasn't even relevant as OP never said anything about pole dancing being sexy in her original post.

 

Bottom line: Stippers don't salsa, or zumba... they pole dance. Some guys have a thing for strippers... if you like pole dancing... go find a guy that likes strippers.

 

I'm sorry but this is so beyond ignorant. 'if you like pole dancing... go find a guy who likes strippers..' Come on, really? Do you know how many girls pole dance FOR FITNESS these days? Well if you don't, there's a lot and numbers are increasing. BTW, these are decent people, many of whom have great, supportive boyfriends who (shock scandal) do not frequent strip clubs.

 

Ugh... really? You honestly can't see a difference between pole dancing and salsa?

 

Gee... I wonder why they don't have a pole dancing section of "Dancing With The Stars"?

 

Salsa in public and people will clap if you do it well... Pole dance in public and someones going to shove money down your crotch. Get the difference?

 

If you didn't read my post I compared pole dancing FOR FITNESS to salsa.. not pole dancing in a strip club. And yes, I would find it strange if a guy supported his SO grinding up against a guy instead of grinding up against a pole... amongst all girls.

Edited by loverofloveandstuff
Tim The Enchanter Established Member

Tim The Enchanter

Posted
Posted

I can't believe how puritanical some people are here. Pole dancing classes are becoming more and more popular because

 

a) they're damn good fun

b) they're sexy

c) they're a good workout

 

I wouldn't have the slightest problem with it. The OP's boyfriend is uptight, puritanical and jealous.

Tim The Enchanter Established Member

Tim The Enchanter

Posted
Posted
Pole dancing isn't sexy... it's gross.

 

:eek:

 

Eh? Are you Amish or something?

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
I never said pole dancing wasn't sexy... that's what you said. It wasn't even relevant as OP never said anything about pole dancing being sexy in her original post.

 

In her OP she either stated or implied that it would make her feel sexy.

 

Why? Why would it make her feel sexy?

 

Because it's associated with strippers...

 

I'm sorry but this is so beyond ignorant. 'if you like pole dancing... go find a guy who likes strippers..' Come on, really? Do you know how many girls pole dance FOR FITNESS these days? Well if you don't, there's a lot and numbers are increasing. BTW, these are decent people, many of whom have great, supportive boyfriends who (shock scandal) do not frequent strip clubs.

 

It is popular... and the goal is to normalize stripping. Teach 10yo little girls to glamorize and glorify strippers. Yippee just what we all want. I've twice seen little girls doing those moves because they look up to mommy who thinks its just some great fitness thing. So... go on... glorify the sex industry.

 

As a fitness tool it's incredibly ineffective. Fact is that they do it specifically because it is the dance that strippers do.

 

I understand why you think it's cool... I just believe your too wrapped up in yourself to see the bigger picture. In my opinion the women who support this also passively support stripping and prostitution. That doesn't make them bad... just selfish and incredibly naive.

 

If you didn't read my post I compared pole dancing FOR FITNESS to salsa.. not pole dancing in a strip club. And yes, I would find it strange if a guy supported his SO grinding up against a guy instead of grinding up against a pole... amongst all girls.

 

Uh... Salsa dancing with another guy is a totally different thing. I'm not down with that. In fact that one I would be very clear about my boundaries.

 

Pole dancing I just find distasteful... and pole dancing is pole dancing. No matter where it is performed the symbolism and connotation of it is the same.

Tim The Enchanter Established Member

Tim The Enchanter

Posted
Posted
In her OP she either stated or implied that it would make her feel sexy.

 

Why? Why would it make her feel sexy?

 

Because it's associated with strippers...

 

 

:rolleyes:

 

Yeah? So? Do you have a problem with grown women wanting to be sexy?

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
Yes... A normal guy who doesn't go to strip clubs.

 

My buddy in college bought a pole to put in his house... and he would invite all the drunk sleazy girls to come over and dance. They used to use the Carmen Electra Pole Dance CD.

 

Is it that surprising that a guy would not want you to act like a stripper?

 

I think you happened to skip the part where instead of discussing his concerns with her in a mature manner, the guy simply resorted to little snipes here and there to make his feelings known, even after she refused the class to please him.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
:rolleyes:

Yeah? So? Do you have a problem with grown women wanting to be sexy?

 

No. I have a problem with teaching everyone it's good to be a stripper. That the only way to be sexy is to be objectified. Why does a woman need a pole to feel sexy?

 

You absolutely cannot separate pole dancing from stripping.

 

If you have to act like a stripper to feel sexy... your already messed in the head.

 

The more you allow hollow headed men and women to push this type of thing the more it's going to soak into little kids.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
Eh... we are only getting one side of the story here. She could be making snide remarks all the time about how controlling he is... like all the other female posters who seem to believe its Ok for THEM to express feelings and opinions... but not for a guy.

 

Otherwise the BF is being a jerk and she should tell him to knock it off.

 

I think you happened to skip the part where instead of discussing his concerns with her in a mature manner, the guy simply resorted to little snipes here and there to make his feelings known, even after she refused the class to please him.

 

I didn't miss it. It's a simple communication issue. So... I'm overall inclined to agree with you.

 

The big issue seems to be that she thinks it's all fun and games... when in fact there are some implications involved that she should be considering.

Tim The Enchanter Established Member

Tim The Enchanter

Posted
Posted
No. I have a problem with teaching everyone it's good to be a stripper. That the only way to be sexy is to be objectified. Why does a woman need a pole to feel sexy?

 

It's none of your business. If women like that, that's their prerogative.

 

You absolutely cannot separate pole dancing from stripping.

 

 

Yes you can. Stripping is when you...take your clothes off. In a club. In front of complete strangers.

 

 

If you have to act like a stripper to feel sexy... your already messed in the head.

 

 

 

Says you. What I find more disturbing are people who seem to think they are a moral authority on things that women choose to do. You seem to have a problem with the concept of choice.

 

 

The more you allow hollow headed men and women to push this type of thing the more it's going to soak into little kids.

 

That's laughable. Really. Please explain how a woman learning to pole dance will have any effect whatsoever on children.

 

:rolleyes:

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
I didn't miss it. It's a simple communication issue. So... I'm overall inclined to agree with you.

 

The big issue seems to be that she thinks it's all fun and games... when in fact there are some implications involved that she should be considering.

 

Just because he and you consider it to be a negative implication doesn't mean that she should have as well. Contrary to what people like to believe, the divide of morality and sexual ethics isn't black and white; it's a fluid line. What is your take on watching pornography? Is it not something that could be considered 'objectifying' and 'teaching kids it's okay to do (act shown in porn)' as well?

 

The big issue is that even after she compromised with her bf, he continues to snipe little random insults at her. That is not a simple communication issue. That's about as mature as the kid in 5th grade.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted

Says you. What I find more disturbing are people who seem to think they are a moral authority on things that women choose to do. You seem to have a problem with the concept of choice.

That's laughable. Really. Please explain how a woman learning to pole dance will have any effect whatsoever on children.

:rolleyes:

 

No, I believe everyone is free to make choices... but not free of the consequences. So don't be dumb... I'm clearly not talking about taking choices away. I'm explaining the reason I don't agree with particular ideas.

 

Women can do what they like... just as I can. I always try to do the right thing because I'm a good person. There is no requirement for others to do the same.

 

If you don't think that what people speak about and do affects children... What can I say. It seems like common sense to me.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
Just because he and you consider it to be a negative implication doesn't mean that she should have as well. Contrary to what people like to believe, the divide of morality and sexual ethics isn't black and white; it's a fluid line. What is your take on watching pornography? Is it not something that could be considered 'objectifying' and 'teaching kids it's okay to do (act shown in porn)' as well?

The big issue is that even after she compromised with her bf, he continues to snipe little random insults at her. That is not a simple communication issue. That's about as mature as the kid in 5th grade.

 

I don't particularly like the idea of porn. I'm certainly not going to go take a porn class with a group of guys. I view porn as the male version of a dildo. I don't like how it's made at all... and I don't like the industry surrounding it.

 

My guess is that by making snide remarks he believes that he is reinforcing the idea that fitness type strip dancing is bad. It's like saying... "see I was right". However he is actually only reinforcing the fact that he is being a jacka$$.

Tim The Enchanter Established Member

Tim The Enchanter

Posted
Posted
I don't particularly like the idea of porn. I'm certainly not going to go take a porn class with a group of guys. I view porn as the male version of a dildo. I don't like how it's made at all... and I don't like the industry surrounding it.

 

What a surprise. :rolleyes:

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...