Threesome jealousy

[Sarahhhh]

The other night, my boyfriend of over a year and a half, my friend Krystal, and I were hanging out at the house. We were drinking, and just generally having a good time.. In the midst of drunkeness, the subject of having a threesome came up..joking at first. My boyfriend really liked this idea, and at the time so did I. Well, the night continued on, and things progressed, well next thing you know me and Krystal started kissing, and i'm sure you get the picture. Well, during it, I would be kissing Krystal, and several times Matt threw me on my back and just started doing her... he would still make out with me and stuff, but I totally felt like a third wheel... she got off like 3-4 times, I didn't get off once. So you can clearly see who he spent more time with. Since I was drunk, I didn't really think about it till the next day. I thought everything would be fine and my feelings wouldn't be hurt, but I was wrong. I spent almost the entire day after bawling my eyes out. I just hate the thought of the love of my life having sex with another girl, and I do feel like he enjoyed her more than he enjoys me. Since half the time when we do it he has a hard time keeping it up. I don't know what to think or do, because I am just devistated and the images of him screwing another chick while I was laying there getting nothing keep popping in my head and it's killing me. I entirely regret what I did, and will never do it again... but I don't know how to fix the problems this already caused. On his end, everything is totally fine, on mine, I feel horrible, ugly, and betrayed... please help.

[Idalis]

Drunk or not I would never have been able to go through with or consent to something like this. I guess some people have a bigger resolve to get over these types of situation but for me this would signify the end b/c I dont see how anything I do or say or anything he could do or say would remedy things. Of course that is just my opinion, and I seriously hope you are able to get some answers that will help.

 

Sorry that you are feeling awful

[Sarahhhh]

Drunk or not I would never have been able to go through with or consent to something like this. I guess some people have a bigger resolve to get over these types of situation but for me this would signify the end b/c I dont see how anything I do or say or anything he could do or say would remedy things. Of course that is just my opinion, and I seriously hope you are able to get some answers that will help.

 

Sorry that you are feeling awful

 

 

Yeah, well when it's in writing it's kind of hard to understand how good it sounded at the time. Before all this, I said the same thing that I would never ever do anything of the sort, or consent to my boyfriend doing it either, but the timing was just perfect, the subject came up as a joke originally by her, and both of them, and myself, made it sound like it would be something to spice up the relationship, no strings attached, totally just for fun...I thought it would be just for fun too...and thats all its meant to be. and I know I can get over it. I cannot and will not dump Matt for something I gave 100% consent to...if he forced me into it, then thats a different story. It has to get fixed, I just don't know how. He told me that he thought it was fun, and if I liked it he would do it again, but he saw how much it hurt me and spent the entire next day holding me and trying to make me comfortable. He assured me that he was extremely sorry and he'd never bring it up again. But my feelings are still all screwed up and I don't know what to think.

[PratyekaYana]

If you search around this forum a bit, you'll find a number of posters that have been in situations similar to yours. The running theme between them is that threesomes are notoriously bad ideas in hindsight. Most people just don't possess the psychological/emotion qualities necessary to handle seeing their partners with any sexual participants other than themselves (and the couples that do typically select a third from a pool that lowers their chances of seeing that person ever again). Emotions run high after the fact, and relationships aren't always salvaged in the aftermath.

 

I believe that you and your significant other have a shot at making it through this, though. You've owned up to the fact that it was consensual, albeit alcohol induced, between all parties (which means you aren't unfairly distributing blame), your boyfriend comforted you in your anguish without belittling or dismissing your feelings, and I'm guessing that your friend Krystal will support you through this difficult time (even if that means reducing her presence for a while...).

 

My advice would be to treat this as though your relationship was recovering from an affair and to give it the time that it needs to heal. There are tons of resources on the net (and even some here) that recommend methods for moving beyond infidelity. Your boyfriend technically didn't stray, but your heart doesn't really comprehend ethical differences. I think that these resources that I mentioned will help you move in the positive direction that you're seeking. I only ask that you remember your boyfriend isn't truly the wayward spouse/significant other in the mess that you guys are swamped in, so take care to modify some infidelity resources to account for that fact.

 

I'm sorry that you have to endure this turmoil, and I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

[Sarahhhh]

If you search around this forum a bit, you'll find a number of posters that have been in situations similar to yours. The running theme between them is that threesomes are notoriously bad ideas in hindsight. Most people just don't possess the psychological/emotion qualities necessary to handle seeing their partners with any sexual participants other than themselves (and the couples that do typically select a third from a pool that lowers their chances of seeing that person ever again). Emotions run high after the fact, and relationships aren't always salvaged in the aftermath.

 

I believe that you and your significant other have a shot at making it through this, though. You've owned up to the fact that it was consensual, albeit alcohol induced, between all parties (which means you aren't unfairly distributing blame), your boyfriend comforted you in your anguish without belittling or dismissing your feelings, and I'm guessing that your friend Krystal will support you through this difficult time (even if that means reducing her presence for a while...).

 

My advice would be to treat this as though your relationship was recovering from an affair and to give it the time that it needs to heal. There are tons of resources on the net (and even some here) that recommend methods for moving beyond infidelity. Your boyfriend technically didn't stray, but your heart doesn't really comprehend ethical differences. I think that these resources that I mentioned will help you move in the positive direction that you're seeking. I only ask that you remember your boyfriend isn't truly the wayward spouse/significant other in the mess that you guys are swamped in, so take care to modify some infidelity resources to account for that fact.

 

I'm sorry that you have to endure this turmoil, and I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

 

 

Wow, that is GREAT advice. Thank you for not just preaching to me about what an idiot I am for agreeing to it in the first place, because I was afraid that that is all the more "advice" I was going to get.

 

Now, not to get long winded, but to make the situation even more complex, there is a pre-story to this story. Last June I found out that Matt was cheating on me for 5 months...at the time this was a little less than half of our entire relationship! He cheated on me with his ex girlfriends best friend (It's bad, I know) although he DID NOT sleep with her, I notice that these feelings I am feeling now are just like, or very similar to, how I felt last June when I learned about the cheating. Because of this, this brings up even more feelings (I hate being a girl and having to feel so many different things) but what I have noticed is that I feel like I want revenge. I want my boyfriend to know what it feels like to know and see the other with another partner. It is such a crushing feeling, and he has no idea what it's like...but I wish I did. So, since I know he is very very over protective, I told him it would make me feel better if I could make out with another guy, and he had to watch. He agreed but was very angry. He said it was fair, but he was mad...simply because the thought of me with another guy raised those emotions...now only if he had endured the real thing! Well, he started getting more and more moody about it so I told him to just forget it, I wont kiss any other guy. I know it is not morally right anyways.

 

But how do I deal with these feelings of needing revenge?.... its like an extra layer of feelings underneath the feelings of hopelessness, turmoil, anguish, and pain.

 

Ugh it just always gets more and more complex.

[PegNosePete]

He cheated on you for 5 months, and you let him off? What price did he pay for his infidelity? Did he see any consequences for his actions, which would prevent him from doing it again?

 

And then a few months later he agrees to a threesome and favours the other girl over you? Basically he was just using the threesome as an excuse to bang another girl.

 

After a 5 month affair, this guy should be doing EVERYTHING he possibly can to keep you happy. He clearly is not, because he believes you will let him off whatever he does. He got away with a 5 month affair, and he is getting away with f*cking another girl in a threesome. What will he think he can get away with next?

 

You need to think about what is best for your future, and it is clearly not this guy. Dump him.

[nikayla]

Sarahhhh:

 

Seeking out revenge, or even the feeling associated with, may seem like an appropriate action, but it is not the best way to make yourself feel better long-term. I know you want your boyfriend to hurt as much as you are hurting, but what do you think your actions will amount to? More than likely, he will break up with you. You need to decide if your resentment towards him can be dismissed because it seems as if you never truly forgave him. If this is not possible, perhaps it will be best to move on and view this experience as a lesson learned.

 

@PegNosePete:

 

I was going to write something like that, but she never stated that he didn't pay for his infidelity. Sarahhhh, I was with someone like you boyfriend who I developed a deep resentment for. I found out he cheated, but we never had closure, since he was unwilling to address his actions head-on. If your situation sounds like this, I second moving on. There are so many good men out there.

Edited November 4, 2010 by nikayla

[Sarahhhh]

Ya, he did pay for it. Thank you for the lecture, trust me, it's not the first time I have heard it.

 

I am very close to his mother, so she gave me the user name and password for his cell phone account since she keeps all his paperwork for him. He doesn't even know the password. So I am able, and have been, checking his cell phone to see who he has called, how long they talked, and who he has texted. Without him even knowing about it. Also, he sees someone to deal with his problems. He didn't cheat on me just to cheat on me. The problem was that the girl he did it with was a good friend of his. He didn't want to hurt her feelings when he found out she really liked him...as more than friends. So as wrong as it was, he tried to make both of us happy. At the expense of my heart. Yes, I know he's a pig, and I know he's disgusting, blah blah blah. He usually has fairly good intentions, just a very screwed up way of going about it. Thats why he still talks to someone...to figure out what the issue is..and to fix it.

Also, he did not just get away with the threesome. He know's I am upset. I don't technically have a reason to be directly mad at him. I gave him permission... I wanted to do it. He has spent the last 3 or 4 days telling me how beautiful I am to him, spending every spare minute with me, and trying to make sure I know that he only wants me and that he is extremely sorry for what he did. I didn't just walk away and let him think that I am okay with it or that it would be okay to do it again.

 

I am really not trying to defend him. I know he's screwed up a lot, and maybe he will cheat again, and I will learn my lesson. But, I made a decision to stay with him. There's the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" well I want to prove the saying wrong. If I would have just dumped him when I initially found out, I know he would do it again to the next girl...but it is my goal to honestly change his ways and make him a better person. And if I am wrong, and if I do get hurt again, well it'll be worth it because I will be able to sleep at night knowing I put my all into it. I went the extra mile, and no one can convince me otherwise even if I do get screwed over. I did my best, I didn't just ditch like anyone else would, I'm doing as much as I can to change his heart.

 

If that makes any sense at all, then GREAT. I just might be an idiot PegNosePete, but in my heart, it's all worth it. So please guys, I'm not looking for a ton of "dump him" lectures, because I know I'm not going to. I just want help on how to deal with all of the feelings I have, and how to get over this whole thing. So thank you.

[nikayla]

Sarahhhh:

 

With that said, I strongly suggest that you work on building a foundation for your relationship. Try to spice things up, take on a new couple's hobby (i.e. cooking together), or take staycations to local resorts. It seems that a hint of romance and rekindling freshness will help alleviate past feelings and give you something to look forward to in the relationship. You are a really honorable woman for giving him a second chance and I truly hope things work out. Good luck!

[Dexter Morgan]

The other night, my boyfriend of over a year and a half, my friend Krystal, and I were hanging out at the house. We were drinking, and just generally having a good time.. In the midst of drunkeness, the subject of having a threesome came up..joking at first. My boyfriend really liked this idea, and at the time so did I. Well, the night continued on, and things progressed, well next thing you know me and Krystal started kissing, and i'm sure you get the picture. Well, during it, I would be kissing Krystal, and several times Matt threw me on my back and just started doing her... he would still make out with me and stuff, but I totally felt like a third wheel... she got off like 3-4 times, I didn't get off once. So you can clearly see who he spent more time with. Since I was drunk, I didn't really think about it till the next day. I thought everything would be fine and my feelings wouldn't be hurt, but I was wrong. I spent almost the entire day after bawling my eyes out. I just hate the thought of the love of my life having sex with another girl, and I do feel like he enjoyed her more than he enjoys me. Since half the time when we do it he has a hard time keeping it up. I don't know what to think or do, because I am just devistated and the images of him screwing another chick while I was laying there getting nothing keep popping in my head and it's killing me. I entirely regret what I did, and will never do it again... but I don't know how to fix the problems this already caused. On his end, everything is totally fine, on mine, I feel horrible, ugly, and betrayed... please help.

 

 

stories of 3some never come out good. everyone thinks they will be great, until after its over.

 

you say you feel betrayed......but you were the one that started making out with Krystal. was that not betrayal first?

[Sarahhhh]

Sarahhhh:

 

With that said, I strongly suggest that you work on building a foundation for your relationship. Try to spice things up, take on a new couple's hobby (i.e. cooking together), or take staycations to local resorts. It seems that a hint of romance and rekindling freshness will help alleviate past feelings and give you something to look forward to in the relationship. You are a really honorable woman for giving him a second chance and I truly hope things work out. Good luck!

 

 

Thank you!! I really appreciate that you understand! We do cook together actually, we are a very romantic couple, and I notice that the more we do that stuff, the closer we are. Thank you for your help!!

[lululucy]

I dealt with/am dealing with a similar situation.. I was incredibly drunk at the time of mine and hearing my boyfriend talk about how fun it was with her just makes my blood boil. I'm glad your bf is more understanding of your feelings. If you can afford it, a few counselling sessions might help a lot. Good luck Sarah!

[BellaBellaBella]

Did you talk to him about how he hurt you, throwing you to the side and ignoring you?

 

Has he called or texted with her since?

 

Does she know how you are feeling?

[Sarahhhh]

Did you talk to him about how he hurt you, throwing you to the side and ignoring you?

 

Has he called or texted with her since?

 

Does she know how you are feeling?

 

 

Yes I did talk to him. He is very sorry. And apologized profusely. But has not denied wanting to do it again. In fact, hinted that he wanted to in the future, but did not directly say it.

 

Nope, he has not contacted her since.

 

And no, she doesn't I don't want her to know. She has a loud mouth and if I say one word, the small town I live in will know the whole story.

[nikayla]

No problem, Sarahhh

[Sarahhhh]

stories of 3some never come out good. everyone thinks they will be great, until after its over.

 

you say you feel betrayed......but you were the one that started making out with Krystal. was that not betrayal first?

 

 

Yes. I realize that threesomes are a bad idea now...I did not understand this before the fact. It was entirely on impulse. If I had had a chance to think about it and realize what it would do, I wouldn't agree. however, I was under the influence of alcohol. I wasn't in the right state of mind.

 

Yeah, I say I feel betrayed. I'm not saying I WAS betrayed. It's a byproduct emotion. Okay? No, I don't think I was betraying him either. He was pushing me to kiss her...I wanted to kiss her. I was drunk. So I just did it, and one thing led to another. Nobody betrayed the other. Its just the best word I could use do describe my emotion.

[Sarahhhh]

Allllright guys...I have another problem that happened tonight.

 

Before, you read what happened...just take this into consideration.

I DO NOT WANT ANY REPLIES THAT ARE NEGATIVE OR TELLING ME WHAT AN IDIOT I AM. I WANT ADVICE...NOT TO BE BITCHED OUT. thank you.

 

Welll, after this happened, I told him not to tell anyone. I live in a small town. News travels FAST. He could tell one person, and within 3 days, everyone knows. He promised not to tell a soul.

 

Well, i'm sure you can guess...he told. He told his buddy, who in return told another buddy...I can see a pattern happening here. He betrayed my trust...and we are now on a "break"

he got so pissed for me requesting a break that he blew up his car. But I refuse to feel guilty. The last time he lied to me, I told him that if he does it again, we need to do something about it...by going on a break, and so I have to follow through otherwise he will think he can get away with lies and betrayal

 

I'm devastated. Please help.

[Nemicron]

This is why you cant have a threesome with another person unless its agreed upon at the beginning. Honestly I'd suggest talking to him about it and the girl also. And if you can completely get your feelings accost without being scared then you might feel better. But if not its just going to eat away at you until you get some release or break up.

[Nemicron]

I know this is gonna sound kinda bad. But maybe you should try having sex with some other guy and see how you feel afterwards since you on a break. And then see what happens. But your right you shouldn't feel guilty. He was acting like a douche bag

 

Allllright guys...I have another problem that happened tonight.

 

Before, you read what happened...just take this into consideration.

I DO NOT WANT ANY REPLIES THAT ARE NEGATIVE OR TELLING ME WHAT AN IDIOT I AM. I WANT ADVICE...NOT TO BE BITCHED OUT. thank you.

 

Welll, after this happened, I told him not to tell anyone. I live in a small town. News travels FAST. He could tell one person, and within 3 days, everyone knows. He promised not to tell a soul.

 

Well, i'm sure you can guess...he told. He told his buddy, who in return told another buddy...I can see a pattern happening here. He betrayed my trust...and we are now on a "break"

he got so pissed for me requesting a break that he blew up his car. But I refuse to feel guilty. The last time he lied to me, I told him that if he does it again, we need to do something about it...by going on a break, and so I have to follow through otherwise he will think he can get away with lies and betrayal

 

I'm devastated. Please help.

[Kinder-Horror]

He betrayed my trust...and we are now on a "break"

he got so pissed for me requesting a break that he blew up his car.

...

I'm devastated. Please help.

 

Of course he blew up --- he isn't in control.

The threesome may have been consensual, but the cheating was not (obviously)... he is furious because YOU are taking initiative in this "relationship" and making your own decisions.

 

I know it is easier said than done... but I truly think you need to consider moving past him and on to new things.

 

The fact is, mutual consent or not, he took an active interest in your friend in the whole threesome situation.

 

he also cheated on you.

 

Even throwing out the threesome event (which would tear me apart, BTW), he has disrespected you. You need to get away from this.

[jnj express]

Hey sarah---look at this whole picture (thread)---everything here is negative---everything here is unhappiness--everything here is causing you to hurt, cry, be unhappy

 

Is this the way you want the rest of your life to go----you only get one try at life, and right now your life isn't very good is it----and all of this unhappiness revolves around this one guy

 

Does everyone else you are around make you unhappy---did your old BF's, cause you this much grief

 

Take your BF, or XBF---whatever he is----1st he cheats on you, next when he KNOWS HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU ---and you influnced by alcohol, wanted to get kinky---he jumps right in and does your GF---right in front of you---I AM SORRY, BUT A BF WHO REALLY LOVED THEIR PARTNER, WOULD HAVE BACKED OFF---he would have taken care of you, and sent the other girl home---that's what a MAN would have done

 

3rd you asked him to keep his mouth shut--but what does he do---he blabs to his buddies, about having a 3some------

 

Do you really think this guy is worth being with----he is actually nothing more than a guy out to score, and get away with what he can----

 

IMHO---it's time you moved on, take your time, and find a guy that will want to be with you, and only you no matter what the circumstances are

[PratyekaYana]

There is not a shred of doubt about it, Sarah; you have an unflinching loyalty, and, under better emotional conditions, it would be a most admirable quality. In the situation between you and your boyfriend, though, I feel obligated to warn you that that same sense of loyalty might very well be the source of endless heartache for you.

 

Hear me out.

 

I know that even now you are rebelling against what I've said; such is the nature of your loyalty and the strength of your devotion to your significant other. Evidence suggests that he might not have a reciprocal amount of devotion to you or your well-being, Sarah.

 

Consider:

 

Your boyfriend, as I mentioned earlier, cannot technically be considered a wayward partner in the context of the threesome situation that you guys have found yourselves in (so, on the one hand, I understand why you are inclined to forgive him this mistake...). He can be considered wayward when stripped of that context because he has strayed from your relationship at an earlier period (...and on the other, escalation really makes all of this inexcusable). This status, the act that precipitated it, frames the subsequent threesome in an entirely different, and far less tolerable, light. What your boyfriend did was calloused and cruel to an extreme. He cheated on you once, which was bad enough, but, in having sex with this other woman in front of you, he not only reopened an old would--that probably never completely healed anyway given that your boyfriend is unlikely the kind of guy to really help you find closure--but created an even deeper one in the very same place as the first. I realize that my explaining this to you probably doesn't have much of an effect considering you're used to rationalizing within this psychological frame, but try to take the theme (disregard) of his actions and apply them elsewhere.

Let's say, hypothetically, that your boyfriend lost a huge sum of your savings on a supposedly one-time deal gambling wager. He's really placed you guys in a financial pickle, but, realizing the error of his ways, he apologizes profusely and vows to never do something like this again. Sometime down the line, he takes you to Vegas and, right in front of you, in direct contradiction of his contrition, decides to return to his old gambling habit whereupon he loses a fortune yet again. Are these the actions of a man that really cares for you?

 

If they aren't, is there any hope that you can change him somehow into a better man if he hasn't shown any desire to be that man himself (remember: true change can only come from within)? What are you getting out of this relationship by investing in it so heavily, Sarah?

 

If that makes any sense at all, then GREAT. I just might be an idiot PegNosePete, but in my heart, it's all worth it. So please guys, I'm not looking for a ton of "dump him" lectures, because I know I'm not going to. I just want help on how to deal with all of the feelings I have, and how to get over this whole thing. So thank you.

If this is what you really want--to hang on to this relationship despite infinite reasons not to--then my advice to you from earlier still applies. To move beyond this infidelity, use the resources that I recommended. Any progress that you guys make would have to be considered gaslighting on his part, but at least you would get the appearance of moving forward.

 

I am, again, sorry that you're going through this Sarah.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yeah, I say I feel betrayed. I'm not saying I WAS betrayed. It's a byproduct emotion. Okay? No, I don't think I was betraying him either. He was pushing me to kiss her

 

ok, so you kissed her. Whether you think its betrayal of him or not, you got to mess around with someone else. If you think you are allowed, but he isn't, whether or not it was on the basis of his insistence, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

if anything, if betrayal is an issue for you, which I would imagine it is for most people, then a red flag should have been thrown up once he showed an interest in a 3some and urged you to kiss her.

 

 

 

I wanted to kiss her.

 

ok, then you can't complain when he wants to mess around with someone else.

 

 

I was drunk. So I just did it, and one thing led to another. Nobody betrayed the other. Its just the best word I could use do describe my emotion.

 

well when one or both people, as in your case, have desires to experiment with other people, then all right to complaint fall off the table. it just comes with the terrirory. either you want exclusivity or you don't.

[Dexter Morgan]

Allllright guys...I have another problem that happened tonight.

 

Before, you read what happened...just take this into consideration.

I DO NOT WANT ANY REPLIES THAT ARE NEGATIVE OR TELLING ME WHAT AN IDIOT I AM. I WANT ADVICE...NOT TO BE BITCHED OUT. thank you.

 

Welll, after this happened, I told him not to tell anyone. I live in a small town. News travels FAST. He could tell one person, and within 3 days, everyone knows. He promised not to tell a soul.

 

Well, i'm sure you can guess...he told. He told his buddy, who in return told another buddy...I can see a pattern happening here. He betrayed my trust...and we are now on a "break"

he got so pissed for me requesting a break that he blew up his car. But I refuse to feel guilty. The last time he lied to me, I told him that if he does it again, we need to do something about it...by going on a break, and so I have to follow through otherwise he will think he can get away with lies and betrayal

 

I'm devastated. Please help.

 

you want advice? this is a relationship in which neither one of you can trust the other. maybe its time to break ties and go your seperate ways, and make better choices with different people in the future.

 

if you stay in this relationship, then just expect more of the same

[Dexter Morgan]

and for petes sake, if you don't want anyone to know your business and didn't want him telling anyone, then DO NOT put your picture up on the forum.

 

I am assuming that is you in the avatar?