Sweetie1977 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I have allot of friends who arent all that attracted or into their husbands but theyre husbands love them and give them love they need and financial security and they just go through the motions Im getting up there in age and afraid im gonna never find a husband thats amazingly hot and is a great guy will or should i settle for these average joes who are kinda ehh looking but love me and give me emtional and hopefully some financial security? Should we settle to get the family and white picket fence?
Woggle Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I am not talking about all women but I honestly think this is how most married women feel about their husbands. I really feel bad for these guys because they have no clue.
GorillaTheater Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Alot of your friends are mercenaries, or perhaps just a step removed from being prostitutes. Follow their path, if that's the role you want to fill.
AD1980 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Allot of women i think do this They all chase after the top 10% of Men therye whole young lives then get desperate and settle for an average guy just to have their wedding day where the guy they marrys a mere accesory Never mind the average guy is the guy on their level of the social food chain
machiavellian Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 If you love him, respect him, and will be dutiful and faithful and do your best to make him happy, I don't see anything wrong with marrying someone who is a "good match", as opposed to wasting your time waiting for some hunky guy who you're "in love" with, as I don't think that tends to last, nor is the guy you're "in love" with necessarily a good match for marriage/family. On the other hand, if you're just looking to get married because he has a good job and loves you, so why not?, maybe you should do him a favor and just not go there.
utterer of lies Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Is it wrong to marry for just emotional and financial security? No. You should do whatever you think is best for you. What are your priorities in life?
lenny Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I myself have noticed this and I think it's a fairly common occurance. Without thinking too deeply about it, I'd say maybe about 10% of the married couples I know are in this scenario (just as an observation). I wouldn't go so far as to say mercenary, but I think it starts with mutual respect, and if the resume is there to go with it - marriage is the next step! Financial stability is a huge factor though for both parties to consider. I know in my younger days I paid way to little attention to the resume so ended up with a bunch of loser unemployed smoking hot abusive bad boys. Fun but way to much drama and heartache. I think this is where the wife stereotype of once they're married they always have a headache comes from.
brainygirl Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I take care of my own financial security. And while I would love the emotional support of a loving relationship, my emotional health is my own responsibility. so yeah, I figure its wrong to marry a man in the hopes of spending my days being taken care of and wallowing in the adoration of a man I don't care much for is . . . well, wrong.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I have allot of friends who arent all that attracted or into their husbands but theyre husbands love them and give them love they need and financial security and they just go through the motions Im getting up there in age and afraid im gonna never find a husband thats amazingly hot and is a great guy will or should i settle for these average joes who are kinda ehh looking but love me and give me emtional and hopefully some financial security? Should we settle to get the family and white picket fence? Settle for what? If you feel like your settling then DONT! Maybe your idea of hot is messed up. What are you looking for? I myself have noticed this and I think it's a fairly common occurance. Without thinking too deeply about it, I'd say maybe about 10% of the married couples I know are in this scenario (just as an observation). I wouldn't go so far as to say mercenary, but I think it starts with mutual respect, and if the resume is there to go with it - marriage is the next step! Financial stability is a huge factor though for both parties to consider. I know in my younger days I paid way to little attention to the resume so ended up with a bunch of loser unemployed smoking hot abusive bad boys. Fun but way to much drama and heartache. I think this is where the wife stereotype of once they're married they always have a headache comes from. That crap is fraud and it should be illegal.
TheMENemy Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I have allot of friends who arent all that attracted or into their husbands but theyre husbands love them and give them love they need and financial security and they just go through the motions Your friends need to make their own decisions about these things, but frankly, if they are dissing their husbands and fiances to you, I think that is low-class on their part. Whatever issues they might have with their marital choices, it's wrong for them to diss their partners to you. It's disrespectful on their part. Im getting up there in age and afraid im gonna never find a husband thats amazingly hot and is a great guy will or should i settle for these average joes who are kinda ehh looking but love me and give me emtional and hopefully some financial security? Should we settle to get the family and white picket fence? What do you bring to the table? Perhaps working on that would be a more productive approach to getting a man.
callingyouuu Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 If you find someone who's also just looking for emotional and financial security, then why not? The only issues pop up when you're leading someone on, but even then if you're a good enough faker, you can probably pull it off.
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I am not talking about all women but I honestly think this is how most married women feel about their husbands. I really feel bad for these guys because they have no clue. Not just women Woggle. I believe this is how most people feel in general. If someone far more beautiful, smart and kind came along after your wife, I bet a lot of guys would drop their wife/SO in a flash. They've settled for something less and when something MORE comes along why wouldn't you up your game? I've said it before and I'll say it again. This might come off as a bit cynical, but I think most people settle. I know that I personally settle for the best person I can find who believes I am the best person they can find. There is probably a better match out there somewhere but so much is about timing. In your case OP, you feel like time is running out so you are prepared to settle for less than you usually would because you're trying to put things into perspective and be realistic. Don't feel bad, I think it's just human nature.
Woggle Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I can't speak for others but I know I did not settle.
AverageJoe Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I've said it before and I'll say it again. This might come off as a bit cynical, but I think most people settle. I agree with you. Now if you were to take away the emotional aspect of it you now also have one of the biggest reasons many people stay in toxic marriages. Two sides to every coin.
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I can't speak for others but I know I did not settle. That's actually really good to here. I want to be in full blown crazy love (again), even if it doesn't last long. Maybe then I won't feel like I'm 'settling.'
brainygirl Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I think there's a fundamental miscommunication with the use of the word "settle". To me, settling is when you knowingly go into a relationship with someone who you don't like, aren't attracted to and who has lifestyle choices and values you do not agree with. That is different that meeting someone who, while not being perfect, is the perfect combination of looks, intellect, personality and values for you. To me, even though that isn't settling, that's meeting someone compatable. I think its foolish to think that you have to "hold out" for the very best person out there. I just want someone who gets me and who I get and go on from there. On this topic, I feel that looking for someone with money who will adore you is probably not the best foundation of a relationship.
Woggle Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 The thing though is the marriage I am in now is crazy fireworks or wild passion. Sometimes it is but in the right places and at the right moment. I had enough intensity and craziness the first time around. It is the healthiest relationship I have ever had in my life.
carhill Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I can't speak for others but I know I did not settle. My neither. Never entered my mind. Unclear about my exW though. Based on conversations she had with my friends behind my back, it appears I didn't 'measure up' in certain aspects, so, when she realized she didn't 'have me' anymore, she cherry-picked what she could and bailed. I've seen enough of that for one lifetime. Good thing now is I won't have to worry about someone settling for financial security I would also agree with the poster who opined it is disrespectful to be sharing private marital business with others. Our MC agreed. I'll have no qualms disconnecting any woman who *ever* does that to me again.
Titania22 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Alot of your friends are mercenaries, or perhaps just a step removed from being prostitutes. Follow their path, if that's the role you want to fill. This is how it feels to me, which is why I could never take this path. Sometimes I think life would be simpler, if I could be like this, but I just couldn't. I'm like a bird that can't handle living in a cage, no matter how plush and opulent it is.
Alexanda Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 NOTHING in life is secure. NO you shouldnt just settle. Looks fade, not ever woman is going to have a super hot husband. Whats wrong with an average looking guy? You should only marry for love and the guy you marry should be your best friend.
sumdude Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Sweetie, I'm guessing from your username that you're in the early 30's. You and your friends hit that 30 mark and now it's hurry up n get married time. Listen, I'll bet good money that at least half of them will divorce their husbands in 5 - 10 years or even less. They'll hit the early mid-life crisis, some man will come along that blows their socks off for a while and the husbands won't know what hit them as they go to the courthouse. The others will either realize that they actually have a pretty good thing going or live life in quiet desperation. Do yourself and potential men a favor. Wait for someone who does it for you. You may need to manage your expectations a bit, but there's a lot of good guys out there. Watch out for the flashy trashy bling types, look at who they really are.
sumdude Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Sweetie, I'm guessing from your username that you're in the early 30's. You and your friends hit that 30 mark and now it's hurry up n get married time. Listen, I'll bet good money that at least half of them will divorce their husbands in 5 - 10 years or even less. They'll hit the early mid-life crisis, some man will come along that blows their socks off for a while and the husbands won't know what hit them as they go to the courthouse. The others will either realize that they actually have a pretty good thing going or live life in quiet desperation. Do yourself and potential men a favor. Wait for someone who does it for you. You may need to manage your expectations a bit, but there's a lot of good guys out there. Watch out for the flashy trashy bling types, look at who they really are. NOTHING in life is secure. NO you shouldnt just settle. Looks fade, not ever woman is going to have a super hot husband. Whats wrong with an average looking guy? You should only marry for love and the guy you marry should be your best friend. And THIS! ^^^
GoodOnPaper Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Im getting up there in age and afraid im gonna never find a husband thats amazingly hot and is a great guy will or should i settle for these average joes who are kinda ehh looking but love me and give me emtional and hopefully some financial security? Should we settle to get the family and white picket fence? I get the sense that "amazingly hot" is probably the most important quality you are looking for. As such, I wouldn't let go of it easily. The family-and-white-picket-fence life is a LOT of work and you need an initial crazy-in-love phase or it could really grow to be drudgery.
D-Jam Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I have allot of friends who arent all that attracted or into their husbands but theyre husbands love them and give them love they need and financial security and they just go through the motions Im getting up there in age and afraid im gonna never find a husband thats amazingly hot and is a great guy will or should i settle for these average joes who are kinda ehh looking but love me and give me emtional and hopefully some financial security? Should we settle to get the family and white picket fence? The fact you and other women call that "settling" is why dating and marriage is such a mess nowadays. It's also why the "hot guys", who are a MINORITY, can easily decide to stay single and bang women all over. In our parents' time, they picked mates on MORE than just looks and hormonal reactions. Granted many of our elders were seeking mates back in the days of the man as a provider and woman as the happy homemaker, but still...women put a lot more in their ideas of "ideal man" than just if he sets her panties on fire. Now, women want to be "hot" for the guy more than anything...and we end up with the infamous 80/20 rule happening. Jillian Strauss even talked about this in her book Unhooked Generation, and went into how unrealistic it is to think every man and woman on the planet will end up with an uber hot mate who is perfect in every way. It's why so many people are single and think there are no "decent ones" out there. Their idea of a "decent one" DOESN'T EXIST! Now I'm not trying to be the "bitter nice guy" here, but a realist...and I aim this at men too. If I had thought the way Sweetie is talking about, then I would have rejected my GF. I would have decided that I wanted a girl with a better career, long dark hair, and bigger boobs. I didn't though...because while many might think she's "average looking", she respects me and loves me. I can think of how many "hot" women I've pursued who only left me disappointed and frustrated. If you need your hormones on fire to deem someone "worthy", then you are destined to be alone. Seriously. In reality the idea is you find the sensible mate who you feel comfortable and great with...then you both set each other's hormones on fire with much much more than a pretty face and sexual skill in bed. You have to change your thinking...and those women who trash-talk their husbands need to as well. This is why more men are becoming anti-marriage and even taking on the ideas of playas and jerks. They see no reward anymore in being good to women.
stillafool Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Alot of your friends are mercenaries, or perhaps just a step removed from being prostitutes. I agree. I think it is awful to use people that way. No, if you have a good character you will marry because you honestly love that person and can't see your life without them.
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