Katie25 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I need some advice. To make a long story short, my finacee confessed to me that he had been frequanting stripclubs for the past 2/3 years. He went multiple times to one specific girl and also bought one a drink and chit chatted for a half an hour. He has been with me, made an excuse to leave so he could go there instead of just having sex with me He watches porn as well and can't seem to stop. He says the porn has helped him not go to the strip clubs. The problem I am having is that when I persue sex or even give affection I am pushed away. Unless I dress up in lingerie, that is the only way he gets "interested" Is this truely an addiction? Or is he just not interested? I don't understand how a computer can be a substitute for the really thing. This situation has really affected me. I feel unattractive, depressed, and unnoticed.
carhill Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Hi, welcome to LS How old are you and he? When did he propose marriage?
Author Katie25 Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 I am 25 and he is turning 30. He proposed in October, and we purchase a condo in December after that he informed me his deeds.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Sounds like SA to me, ignoring ones mate and pursuing sex-related activities outside of the home, lying and trying to minimize it. Often when the porn is replacing you, it means it is because of an addictive issue. Becoming more and more common nowadays. My husband is a sex addict as well. I suggest that you read Out of the Shadows and Your Sexually Addicted Spouse to see if these things match your situation.
Author Katie25 Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Thanks for the advice. I will check that book out forsure! I have been feeling terrible for the past year. My self-esteem is so low right now. If you don't mind me asking, how did you guys get over your husbands addiction? Did this book help with it at all?
dreamingoftigers Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Thanks for the advice. I will check that book out forsure! I have been feeling terrible for the past year. My self-esteem is so low right now. If you don't mind me asking, how did you guys get over your husbands addiction? Did this book help with it at all? We are still hammering through it. Super-painful. Most wives have the impression that if they show their partner how hurt they are by his actions, that they will change. Unfortunately the same chemicals that are responsible for his sexual addiction also cause him to be insensitive (thesexuallyaddictedbrain.com ). There are many resources available for spouses and addicts, such as SA and S-Anon. EMDR therapy helps as well.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 We are still hammering through it. Super-painful. Most wives have the impression that if they show their partner how hurt they are by his actions, that they will change. Unfortunately the same chemicals that are responsible for his sexual addiction also cause him to be insensitive (thesexuallyaddictedbrain.com ). There are many resources available for spouses and addicts, such as SA and S-Anon. EMDR therapy helps as well. To elaborate, I needed to set some rock-hard boundaries. I told my husband that if he wasn't going to deal with these issues, he needed to leave. That meant no porn or other women. These were recommended by our therapist who specializes in sexual addiction recovery. Some guys will listen and some won't: but the ones that won't aren't the ones that you want for the long-term anyways no matter how you feel about them. They will only be a source of pain in the end. Often the addict will no longer find their spouse desirable because they crave the illicit and sex without emotion. Their energy is often too drained from their encounters with others (or porn) to give anything into their relationship. Another book is Hope and Freedom for Sexual Addicts and Their Partners. My husband also goes to meetings every Sunday night and was assessed and medicated for having ADD. The link between sexual addiction (most addictions) and ADD is very high. The isn't enough blood flow to the pre-frontal cortex, which is responsible for higher decision making. So basically a lot of these guys live closer to their animal nature. After being medicated, my husband is a completely different person, he problem-solves, talks about his feelings, is more positive and the sex is better too. He is also not as easily triggered with his addiction. Emotionally for me his addiction has taken a huge toll that I am not sure I will ever 100% get through. Some days I really hate him still.
Author Katie25 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 I will definately read up on the books you have suggested. At least you guys have worked through it and he was willing to get help. I don't think he would agree to go on meds. I have told him that I don't want him watching porn anymore, but that doesn't seem to do it. I can't seem to stick to my guns. If I say I will leave, I usually don't. He agreed to talk to a counsellor, went to a meeting but he didn't like him. So now that is out. We also have other issues on top of the porn and stripclubs. He has anger issues as well and can get angry easily depending on his mood. I know he has a bad past but he doesn't discuss it much with me. I have been experimenting this week and it seems the less affection I show him, the more attention I get from him. But it is hard for me not to show affection. About 2 weeks ago was the last time we had sex and it actually felt as though he was a stranger. It was very mechanical, I actually didn't feel or see any love in his eyes. When I approached him with how I felt he thought that it was fine, it seemed like any other time to him. Maybe it is just me. He says I over think things while we are having sex.. Eg- why does he want me in this position, or why isn't he doing this. He says that is why he doesn't want to have sex as much anymore. But I do feel as though he looks at me differently because I don't look or act like one of the porn stars/ strippers. I am not sure what I should do, work on us, or work on myself. I will check out the website you suggested as well. It is a very difficult thing to go through. It has almost been a year and I am still very hurt like it just happened yesterday.
justaguy2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Katie I have seen this situation many times before. If he truly is into you he will respect your wishes. Be cautious.
LuckyClover Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Katie, I say if it's sexy time then get sexy. Be that pornstar for him in the bedroom... Spice it up. go slutty. Take control.. I bet there's a study out there that says that guys addicted to porn will usally enjoy taking orders during foreplay. If sex is his addiction, then be his porn. Turn his attention to you. Make him get excited, make him get addicted to you.. don't act like it's a chore to let him have sex with you.. Take advatage of your younger years and take advantage of you husband while he's in his prime. Don't try to make him stop something he enjoys.. we are all addicted to one thing or another, we just need to shift the attention of some that take it to a different level of unhealthyness. Once your man is back in love with having sex with you and not with himself, and you will know when you have him back, then have your occasional sex of passion and long-lasting love making. You can't fake it to make it. You have to understand his needs in order for him to wanna understand yours. Unfortunitly you didn't fall in love that wanted to understand you first. But don't be a doormat.. You do what you have to do but if he continues to reject you and runs back to his stripclubs, then you have decide whether to leave his ass and hope to find someone else or live your life second-best when it comes to sex. I hope he's showing affection in other ways for your sakes. Life is beautiful. Lets enjoy it one day at a time.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I will definately read up on the books you have suggested. At least you guys have worked through it and he was willing to get help. I don't think he would agree to go on meds. I have told him that I don't want him watching porn anymore, but that doesn't seem to do it. I can't seem to stick to my guns. If I say I will leave, I usually don't. He agreed to talk to a counsellor, went to a meeting but he didn't like him. So now that is out. We also have other issues on top of the porn and stripclubs. He has anger issues as well and can get angry easily depending on his mood. I know he has a bad past but he doesn't discuss it much with me. I have been experimenting this week and it seems the less affection I show him, the more attention I get from him. But it is hard for me not to show affection. About 2 weeks ago was the last time we had sex and it actually felt as though he was a stranger. It was very mechanical, I actually didn't feel or see any love in his eyes. When I approached him with how I felt he thought that it was fine, it seemed like any other time to him. Maybe it is just me. He says I over think things while we are having sex.. Eg- why does he want me in this position, or why isn't he doing this. He says that is why he doesn't want to have sex as much anymore. But I do feel as though he looks at me differently because I don't look or act like one of the porn stars/ strippers. I am not sure what I should do, work on us, or work on myself. I will check out the website you suggested as well. It is a very difficult thing to go through. It has almost been a year and I am still very hurt like it just happened yesterday. Well here we go: lots of the "wives" I see that deal with this are usually trying to help their partner and since they don't understand the disease, they give their partner a pretty wide berth and a lot of time to change and make improvements. During this time their partner almost always dinks them around and plays games so that they don't lose their "drug" (the illicit sexual release). A lot of times these men are pretty selfish and childlike in their sexual endeavours ("I want it and wait it now" "Why are you trying to take this away from me?"). They don't get the emotional damage they are doing to their partner and the relationship. For instance: your fiance is not willing to go to get help from and counselor anymore because "he didn't like it." In the earlier part of my journey with my husband I would have said, "okay we can try to find another one or try a different option instead." Trust me every treatment option will look a little promising and then he will give up on it, especially if you are trying to "help" him and not leaving him to take responsibility for it). Now I am more likely to say "that's too bad that you don't like, I am sorry that that must be uncomfortable for you to deal with, when you get through it, it won't be uncomfortable anymore and then we can have a functional family." Treatment is not a popularity contest, there are no little gold stars for going to treatment, there is the chance to live a normal life and have intimacy in your life. Chances are both you and your spouse are going to have to go through some damn uncomfortable things to have an intimate life together. My husband for 7 months avoided going for meetings and doing check-ins. They were "uncomfortable," "embarassing," "I am not as bad as all of the other guys there," "I don't want to hold hands with a bunch of chronic masturbators," (I am sure that they aren't lining up to hold hands with him either.) Counsellling made him feel "bullied" sometimes. We did have a pretty great counselor. Finally after him having a year of relapses and ducking going to meetings, I put my foot down and told him that if he didn't go to a meeting within 3 days, he could just come home and pack his bags. He told me he shouldn't have to leave, so I made some arrangements to potentially move with my daughter. It clicked. It had to go that far. He didn't care enough when he saw me crying for over 400 days straight. It didn't click that we read a whole bunch of recovery literature together (we could always do that later). It didn't matter that our counselor repeatedly warned him that his daughter did not need to grow up with a father whose sexual addiction was not in check. It didn't matter that she repeatedly told him that if he did not get treatment that he would lose his marriage. It didn't matter that we had barely touched in a year. Sometimes these guys are so avoidant that they will not do anything until they stand to lose something major, sometimes even after that they don't do anything. He may make you feel more precious that are the Emeralds in the world, but sexual addiction will change that. It will make you last on the list, it will bitch-slap you until you are blue in the face. Sexual addiction is like a demon that wants to eat your spouses sexual and relationship energy. You are not going to be able to negotiate with that demon. You can't even fight it, because your spouse may choose it over you. The only thing you can do is make him choose. Sometimes the only choice in the end is to feed it your self-esteem for breakfast or to leave and protect yourself. I would make this abundantly clear. Read up on it for sure, but the only role you can really have in his recovery is to set your boundaries so that he can have the chance to re-establish trust. Since my husband got his kick in the pants, he chose to have his family. He goes to meetings and takes part in his recovery, I have also noticed the sex has vastly improved (you may have to do 3 months of chastity, it's really fun). He feels better about himself and has more confidence and his being triggered by sexual stimuli has gone down (this is not a bad thing when he is triggered hundreds of times a day). He is much less moody (oh btw, sexual addicts are a bunch of moody jerks while they are in active addiction because the use the chemicals to dull their feelings). Sorry I have done some epic posting on here in the last couple of weeks. A lot of folks think that sexual addiction doesn't exist or it means that you are somehow withholding sex, or the kind of sex your partner wants is the reason for their behaviour (nothing could be further from the truth with SA). It seems to be this kind of blame the victim mentality, it is pretty disgusting how some folks will even lash out in defense of your guy's right to look at porn and go to strippers whenever, wherever he wants to and you are just supposed to be understanding of it, "because he loves you and not them, they are just visual or whatever." You know what, if a guy treats a woman like she is last and the strip club and porn like it comes first all of the bloody time, who does he really love? DO NO let them tell you that this is your fault. Unless you told him "you can forget about sex with me buddy." Then he shouldn't be putting you last in line for it. Hope this doesn't sound too ranty, just thought I would put up an epic to cut through a lot of the bs you are probably going to encounter from your spouse and others, especially if he is reluctant to get help.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Katie, I say if it's sexy time then get sexy. Be that pornstar for him in the bedroom... Spice it up. go slutty. Take control.. I bet there's a study out there that says that guys addicted to porn will usally enjoy taking orders during foreplay. If sex is his addiction, then be his porn. Turn his attention to you. Make him get excited, make him get addicted to you.. don't act like it's a chore to let him have sex with you.. Take advatage of your younger years and take advantage of you husband while he's in his prime. Don't try to make him stop something he enjoys.. we are all addicted to one thing or another, (really are we? Well maybe he can switch addictions then, maybe he can get addicted to sexual addiction recovery). we just need to shift the attention of some that take it to a different level of unhealthyness. Once your man is back in love with having sex with you and not with himself, and you will know when you have him back, then have your occasional sex of passion and long-lasting love making. You can't fake it to make it. You have to understand his needs in order for him to wanna understand yours. Unfortunitly you didn't fall in love that wanted to understand you first. But don't be a doormat.. You do what you have to do but if he continues to reject you and runs back to his stripclubs, then you have decide whether to leave his ass and hope to find someone else or live your life second-best when it comes to sex. I hope he's showing affection in other ways for your sakes. (Why is this even relevant?) Life is beautiful. Lets enjoy it one day at a time. WHEN IT COMES TO SEXUAL ADDICTION THIS DOES NOT WORK. NOT ONE WIFE OF A SEXUAL ADDICT HAS BEEN ABLE TO SAY, "I JUST ACTED LIKE MORE OF A SLUT AND HE STOPPED HIS OUTSIDE BEHAVIOURS." LAST YEAR MY H AND I WENT FOR MARATHON SEX SESSIONS EVERY DAY USUALLY MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY AND THE SECOND I WOULD LEAVE THE HOUSE HE WOULD BE ON THE COMPUTER ONLINE DATING AND LOOKING AT PORN. YOU CANNOT "BECOME HIS PORN." His brain is so awash in the neuro-chemicals that trigger sexual response that no one can do a replacement for him. He needs to bring the threshold of dopamine down in order to be able to being to feel the oxytocin (chemical responsible for human bonding). The advice from this poster is actually irresponsible and will only serve to fuel the addiction. Right now, you are living with a guy that seems pretty heavily triggered. Sexual release produces a dopamine flash upon orgasm. Sexual addicts are often pre-programmed to be producing higher than normal levels of dopamine due to chlidhood trauma or post-traumatic stress. Dopamine is the brain's natural pain-reliever. Dopamine has a fun little side-effect though, it is highly addictive and inhibits oxytocin, the neuro-chemical responsible for bonding and empathy. That is why when these guys are dopamine triggered they can't see what it is doing to their partners. They can feel the guilt afterwards but they can't connect the action of sexual release to emotion with their partners. 90% of sexual addicts do not "act out" with their partners. Dopamine is constantly looking for the new and illicit, just like the adulterer who goes from a one-night stand, to getting escorts in once a week. etc. Your partner will do anything at this point to get his fix, he is an addict. He can justify it to himself, he can show you that he is "making progress" and "can do it by himself." A behavioural addiction cannot be just overcome alone, or else it wouldn't have started in the first place. As for the bolded part, it almost suggests that you aren't giving him quality sex, wtf is this? "a chore." I am sure that you don't combine sex with laundry "ok hun, tonight I can either fold the laundry or give you that sex we talked about, but hurry up because Gray's Anatomy is on in 5 minutes." Yeah, I am sure that is the problem, it couldn't possibly be that your spouse has an impulse control problem, it's just that damn laundry. If you were not interested in giving him sex, you wouldn't be on the board feeling like crap about him not being connected with you. Welome to LS, I hope you can comb through a lot of this, it is a big topic. It is also something that average person won't have to live with or understand. I am also a sexual compulsive, so dealing with it in my husband didn't shock me as much as it could have. But it sure didn't hurt any less.
Author Katie25 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 I really appreciate the honesty and the responces. Hearing other peoples experiences helps a bunch. It is funny because I LOVE wearing Lingerie. I feel confident, sexy and beautiful in it. I wore it ALL the time until I found out about the stripclubs last December. In my head I thought he has been bringing his addiction into the bedroom which is what made me stop. It gets to a point wear I am asked to wear lingerie EVERYTIME we have sex. After the 4th or 5th time wearing it I start getting frustrated because it would be nice to have sex just normally for once. A little bit of me thinks if I wear it, it will make him go back to that life style. I have done EVERYTHING, sexually possible and still he chooses that. He told me about his conversation with the counsellor. She assumed that I wasn't willing to give him sex, or I wasn't pleasing sexually. He told her " she does everything that I like" and she didn't understand where the addiction came from. It is very difficult to think that it is a chemical reaction in the brain and not a problem with me but I think that, that is something I am going to have to understand and come to realize. It would be difficult for me to not have sex for 3 months. It has been 2 weeks and I am going crazy already, but for some reason our relationship seems to get better the less physical it is. perhaps, because there is no pressure. He generally isn't an affectionate person. He isn't one to hold me or kiss me passionately very often, but I do get it occasionally and it feels good to be wanted. I personally feel sexually there isn't anymore I can do. I have done it all, wore it all, given him everything he has wanted. Either way it is do or die time and we really need to come to a resolution. I told him yesterday I want his computer taken out of his house. I will see how things go with that.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I really appreciate the honesty and the responces. Hearing other peoples experiences helps a bunch. It is funny because I LOVE wearing Lingerie. I feel confident, sexy and beautiful in it. I wore it ALL the time until I found out about the stripclubs last December. In my head I thought he has been bringing his addiction into the bedroom which is what made me stop. It gets to a point wear I am asked to wear lingerie EVERYTIME we have sex. After the 4th or 5th time wearing it I start getting frustrated because it would be nice to have sex just normally for once. A little bit of me thinks if I wear it, it will make him go back to that life style. If it is his fetish, then yes there is a good chance it will fuel the addiction. I would speak to a Sexual Addiction Specialist about this. I have done EVERYTHING, sexually possible and still he chooses that. He told me about his conversation with the counsellor. She assumed that I wasn't willing to give him sex, or I wasn't pleasing sexually. He told her " she does everything that I like" and she didn't understand where the addiction came from. This tells me that she has virtually no training in sexual addiction. Sexual addiction has nothing to do with the appeal of the partner. Look at women with cancer, their husbands just don't up and turn into sex addicts. The two are mutually exclusive. It is very difficult to think that it is a chemical reaction in the brain and not a problem with me but I think that, that is something I am going to have to understand and come to realize. (I know this part is lots of fun too especially because then you know it is not your responsibility to control it, but also that you have no control over it. He has to figure out the best strategies to bring down the level of dopamine himself. SA.org has meetings etc listed, the meetings take a "spiritual" base but the most important part is the cognitive tools they provide.) It would be difficult for me to not have sex for 3 months. (join the club) It has been 2 weeks and I am going crazy already, but for some reason our relationship seems to get better the less physical it is. perhaps, because there is no pressure. (Probably because the sex at this stage is a source of internal and external conflict. I found that the spouses of sex addicts often tend to be overly-sexual and not the opposite. Often the addict is initially attracted to their SO for that reason. "Finally a girl that satisfies my needs." But then the unsatisfiable addiction takes over. The porn becomes more prevalent, and even regular porn doesn't cut it after awhile. It becomes more and more specific and constant. He generally isn't an affectionate person. He isn't one to hold me or kiss me passionately very often, but I do get it occasionally and it feels good to be wanted. I personally feel sexually there isn't anymore I can do. I have done it all, wore it all, given him everything he has wanted. (The lack of affection is also something I find that correlates with sexual addiction. One lady on another thread commented that she could feel a difference in the connection when her SO viewed porn. Affection is driven by oxytocin. With that out of balance you aren't going to get as much.) Either way it is do or die time and we really need to come to a resolution. I told him yesterday I want his computer taken out of his house. I will see how things go with that. Well there are ways to manage having a computer in the house, there is a program called Covenant Eyes that notes when sexually inappropriate material has been viewed. What you do here is make it clear that you find it unacceptable and that if it is viewed again, that's it. Clearly you are not willing to have this be a part of your relationship anymore. Stick with that. There is nothing more personally shaming then sleeping with someone who isn't really there with you. If he isn't willing to change that, I would suggest seeking a partner who whole-heartedly values normal, healthy sex with you. You should never have to take a backseat to porn. PS: My husband is far more naturally affectionate with me now
LuckyClover Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 [The advice from this poster is actually irresponsible and will only serve to fuel the addiction.] No this poster is a guy and can see her husbands point of view better then you. I promise if you go around telling him he has a chemical imbalance and he needs help to fight this addiction.. it will push him out of the marriage. The last thing he wants is for you to shun him for what he's probably already ashamed of. I wasn't suggesting that my advice would solve all your problems but you just need to get him addicted to you long enough to balance those chemicals. It's not that you are doing a bad job, it's that your husband has taken his addiction too far to just walk away from now. It sounds like you've tried this avenue and it didn't work for you. dreamingoftigers sounds very dominering and controling, most guys don't find this attractive and usally end up just taking the easy way out.. Her husband chooses to follow her advice and work on it together.. Not a lot of guys are willing to do this. They will feel nagged and will feel as if they are being pushed into something they don't want. It will only make him do it more.. It's like smoking, tell a person they can't smoke and they immediately want to light up. If you make the stripclubs, etc.. the forbidden fruit.. then that's what he will be drawn to. I do hope you two can work it out.. Just don't be his boss.. because it will only hurt your situation.. best thing to do is get him to want to stop and then go from there. I can promise you that he isn't proud of himself for what he's doing. Plus the addiction to stripclubs excuse I hope isn't a cover for an affair.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 [The advice from this poster is actually irresponsible and will only serve to fuel the addiction.] No this poster is a guy and can see her husbands point of view better then you. I promise if you go around telling him he has a chemical imbalance and he needs help to fight this addiction.. it will push him out of the marriage. That's why the OP would benefit from speaking with a sexual addiction counselor and reading more about the issue instead of just caving to it or nagging him. The last thing he wants is for you to shun him for what he's probably already ashamed of. I wasn't suggesting that my advice would solve all your problems but you just need to get him addicted to you long enough to balance those chemicals. (Unfortunately it doesn't work like that, dopamine is a chemical that goes for the novel thing, many wives try to control the addiction by giving the man his fix even multiple times a day and then wonder why he is still having issues being triggered so much. I thought the same thing when we first got the problem labelled. I wish that it were that simple, but it isn't. Just the same as you can't switch out an alcoholic to smoking cigarettes instead, and even if you could, it would still be a problem.) It's not that you are doing a bad job, it's that your husband has taken his addiction too far to just walk away from now. It sounds like you've tried this avenue and it didn't work for you. dreamingoftigers sounds very dominering and controling, (I wish that were the case as well, I spent most of the time in the last 2 years trying to appease the addiction and negotiate with it. Find a way to meet both his and my needs, it was really quite heartbreaking. I never wanted to hit my husband like a ton of bricks. By going through S-Anon, they taught me how to set boundaries and give choices. I do not shame my husband for his choices, but if he wants to have his addictive behaviour, he can't have me. I will never have sex just to fight with his addiction. I want to have healthy intimacy in my life.) most guys don't find this attractive and usally end up just taking the easy way out.. (On the contrary, the majority of sex addicts when presented with the final choice, do not choose to leave their spouses even though they think that they will not be able to control their own urges. When they start to, they feel better about themselves and their relationships.) Her husband chooses to follow her advice and work on it together.. Not a lot of guys are willing to do this. They will feel nagged and will feel as if they are being pushed into something they don't want. It will only make him do it more.. It's like smoking, tell a person they can't smoke and they immediately want to light up. If you make the stripclubs, etc.. the forbidden fruit.. then that's what he will be drawn to. (You do not lay a boundary but saying, "you can't do this, or I will cry, nag you, call you names or shame you." You say simply, "this needs to stop and change, if you do not choose to seek help for your addiction, we cannot continue." Just like any other addiction. She can't become the guy's "alcohol" any more then she can become the guy's "porn." I do hope you two can work it out.. Just don't be his boss.. because it will only hurt your situation.. (I would never recommend bossing him in any way, just causes resentment.)best thing to do is get him to want to stop and then go from there. Commonly addicts will not stop until they have to. I can promise you that he isn't proud of himself for what he's doing. Plus the addiction to stripclubs excuse I hope isn't a cover for an affair. It is unfortunate what the OP is going through and I may have sounded harsh in my initial response to your post. It is hard watching someone else go through that pain and receiving the same old adages of "you must be doing it like it is a chore." "Are you withholding sex, cause if you weren't, why would he be out there doing xyz." Often spouses of sex addicts are having their own self-esteem crises and to hear them further being blamed for the problem of the addict is heart-wrenching. There are plenty of resources for this issue to be brought up and addressed diplomatically.
Author Katie25 Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Thank you for all your help. I agree with both of you on some points. I do feel that the porn and stripclubs needed to stop. He gave up the stripclubs on his own, but finds that the porn helps his cravings when he wants to go to the stripclubs. I have tried both ways being dominate stating what I wanted and what I wanted him to do, and I have also been passive and just said do you best and be honest. Either way I have ended up with the same result. But I found out this week his Father has been doing some renovations around the house. Since Geoff has mainly been living with me for 5 years, and only goes home occasionally (to watch porn) his Dad has taken out his bedroom wall which is now going to be a family room. This leaves him with no where to watch porn. Now my concerns are how he is going to releave himself? I can't make him have sex with me, just like I can't make him give up porn. He is going to have to figure that out on his own and see what is more important. I don't want to force or shame him into doing things. I want him to do them because he wants too and sees how much it affects me. That is all I can ask, I don't think he is cheating or has cheated. I have ask many times and he has said no and I do believe him. He came up front and told me the truth about the stripclubs. If he feels this guilty and ashamed over porn and stripclubs there is no way he would even be able to look at me if he cheated. I know he feels guilty and ashamed for this and how it has made me feel. He has said many time, "why are you still with me?" and "I don't deserve the love you are showing me" but I am still angry and can't seem to get over it. Maybe with time I can forgive him. It has been almost a year already and I thought I would have been over it by now.
Trinity2 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I need some advice. To make a long story short, my finacee confessed to me that he had been frequanting stripclubs for the past 2/3 years. He went multiple times to one specific girl and also bought one a drink and chit chatted for a half an hour. He has been with me, made an excuse to leave so he could go there instead of just having sex with me He watches porn as well and can't seem to stop. He says the porn has helped him not go to the strip clubs. The problem I am having is that when I persue sex or even give affection I am pushed away. Unless I dress up in lingerie, that is the only way he gets "interested" Is this truely an addiction? Or is he just not interested? I don't understand how a computer can be a substitute for the really thing. This situation has really affected me. I feel unattractive, depressed, and unnoticed. Sounds like SA to me, ignoring ones mate and pursuing sex-related activities outside of the home, lying and trying to minimize it. Often when the porn is replacing you, it means it is because of an addictive issue. Becoming more and more common nowadays. My husband is a sex addict as well. I suggest that you read Out of the Shadows and Your Sexually Addicted Spouse to see if these things match your situation. I am so sorry that this is happening to both of you. I went through it too and it devastated me. In this world of "anything goes" people just don't get the seriousness of being an SA and living with one. I felt totally degraded. I was even told I was jealous. Give me a break, jealous of what? Hurt yes, but defintiely not jealous, I guess that was a diversion tactic or something. That is a good book, it helped a great deal. Good fortune to both of you
Trinity2 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Katie, I say if it's sexy time then get sexy. Be that pornstar for him in the bedroom... Spice it up. go slutty. Take control.. I bet there's a study out there that says that guys addicted to porn will usally enjoy taking orders during foreplay. If sex is his addiction, then be his porn. Turn his attention to you. Make him get excited, make him get addicted to you.. don't act like it's a chore to let him have sex with you.. Take advatage of your younger years and take advantage of you husband while he's in his prime. Don't try to make him stop something he enjoys.. we are all addicted to one thing or another, we just need to shift the attention of some that take it to a different level of unhealthyness. Once your man is back in love with having sex with you and not with himself, and you will know when you have him back, then have your occasional sex of passion and long-lasting love making. You can't fake it to make it. You have to understand his needs in order for him to wanna understand yours. Unfortunitly you didn't fall in love that wanted to understand you first. But don't be a doormat.. You do what you have to do but if he continues to reject you and runs back to his stripclubs, then you have decide whether to leave his ass and hope to find someone else or live your life second-best when it comes to sex. I hope he's showing affection in other ways for your sakes. Life is beautiful. Lets enjoy it one day at a time. Not to cut down your imput, although after having been through this myself, I tried the sexy thing (just could not do the slutty part:)) and being 'different' in certain ways. It didn't help one bit, in fact fed more into the addiction. These guys are addicts.
SouthernSunshine Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I need some advice. To make a long story short, my finacee confessed to me that he had been frequanting stripclubs for the past 2/3 years. He went multiple times to one specific girl and also bought one a drink and chit chatted for a half an hour. He has been with me, made an excuse to leave so he could go there instead of just having sex with me He watches porn as well and can't seem to stop. He says the porn has helped him not go to the strip clubs. The problem I am having is that when I persue sex or even give affection I am pushed away. Unless I dress up in lingerie, that is the only way he gets "interested" Is this truely an addiction? Or is he just not interested? I don't understand how a computer can be a substitute for the really thing. This situation has really affected me. I feel unattractive, depressed, and unnoticed. Hey katie, just finished posting in your other thread! Umm I would highly suspect he's doing more than getting a dance and having conversation. I'm a former dancer, and it's one step above prostitution. Alot of the girls end up crossing that line for extra money or just because they like the customer. I would highly suspect an affair going on between him and that particular dancer. He's playing "half ass" with you.. telling only half of the story.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Thank you for all your help. I agree with both of you on some points. I do feel that the porn and stripclubs needed to stop. He gave up the stripclubs on his own, but finds that the porn helps his cravings when he wants to go to the stripclubs. I have tried both ways being dominate stating what I wanted and what I wanted him to do, and I have also been passive and just said do you best and be honest. Either way I have ended up with the same result. You need to be able to walk away from this, having a man with a unchecked sexual addiction for the long run will do nothing for yourself, and honestly allowing the addiction to continue unchecked limits him too. It basically says, "you are too helpless to live a full life free of these cravings that control it, it is okay if we never have a fully intimate and loving relationship together." I can only tell you that now that my husband has begun healing, that a relationship can be 10X better. But I found out this week his Father has been doing some renovations around the house. Since Geoff has mainly been living with me for 5 years, and only goes home occasionally (to watch porn) his Dad has taken out his bedroom wall which is now going to be a family room. This leaves him with no where to watch porn. Now my concerns are how he is going to releave himself? I can't make him have sex with me, just like I can't make him give up porn. He is going to have to figure that out on his own and see what is more important. I don't want to force or shame him into doing things. I want him to do them because he wants too and sees how much it affects me. That is all I can ask, If he is up to his eyeballs in his addiction, he cannot see how it affects you. He is going to try to rationalize it, justify it, feel guilt over it, but he cannot, cannot empathize with it. The very chemicals that fuel the sexual addiction deaden some of the ones that help to form an emotional connection with others. I don't think he is cheating or has cheated. I have ask many times and he has said no and I do believe him. He came up front and told me the truth about the stripclubs. If he feels this guilty and ashamed over porn and stripclubs there is no way he would even be able to look at me if he cheated. Shame fuels addiction, addiction fuels shame. Addiction compells people to be extremely dishonest, I can guarantee that you are not getting the whole story. When these guys start to be honest about the problem and its scope, the addiction holds less power over them. Check out Out of the Shadows. SA.org I know he feels guilty and ashamed for this and how it has made me feel. He has said many time, "why are you still with me?" and "I don't deserve the love you are showing me" but I am still angry and can't seem to get over it. Maybe with time I can forgive him. It has been almost a year already and I thought I would have been over it by now. Shame and doing something about the issue are two separate things. He cannot stop himself from relapsing at this point, if he could, he wouldn't be an addict in the first place. If he would have been able to trust himself to not go down those dark roads, he wouldn't have gone down them to being with. Without recovery of some kind, odds are he will not dig himself out of this pit on his own, and you will not be able to trust him without recovery of your own.
Green Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Things will most likely get worse dump this guy. He gets off more paying money for sex whether on the internet or strip club. I find it sad when a man even needs to jack off if he has acess to regular weekly sex.
Trinity2 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Things will most likely get worse dump this guy. He gets off more paying money for sex whether on the internet or strip club. I find it sad when a man even needs to jack off if he has acess to regular weekly sex. Yes. Good advice as this was my experience.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Things will most likely get worse dump this guy. He gets off more paying money for sex whether on the internet or strip club. I find it sad when a man even needs to jack off if he has acess to regular weekly sex. That's probably the best short answer. I usually recommend this for women who haven't been in the relationship for too long or if they are just gf/bf. In this case the OP seems to be co-dependent to the addiction so she isn't going to back out lightly. Recovery is the best number 2 choice, you also need you figure out what you will tolerate in a relationship and you cannot have a stable relationship by tolerating the addiction.
Recommended Posts