iheartsuki Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Hello....I just want to get some additional opinions on something. I've asked the people I'm closest to about this but want more opinions... My bf's mom, who is a school teacher, works with a girl who is my bf's age (25). My bf has met/talked this girl in person twice. After that point, she sent him a message inviting him out to a city nearby for drinks w/ another girlfriend who she found out is a mutual friend of theirs. I have access to my bf's facebook account and I KNOW, I know, I know that's not very cool to be looking at it, but we were going through a really rough time and I felt very insecure...so I looked. :/ She started the message saying "I hope it's ok to send this to you, but I feel like I already know you...". He turned her invitation down but I got upset anyway and told him that I really feel like she was just hitting on him. He insisted she was "just being friendly" but still turned her invitation down simply b/c he felt it "wouldn't be fair to me"....to which I responded, "what does that tell you, then? why would you feel that way, if she's 'just being friendly' and it's all innocent?". Since he has gotten VERY upset in the past about other guys blatantly hitting on me on my fb wall ("in public" when I clearly have a bf) or through text, and DEMANDED that I directly tell them, "I have a bf" and "don't talk to me that way"...especially when they weren't saying anything overtly inappropriate...I felt it was completely fair for me to expect the same from him. But he didn't feel this way and, according to him, those were guys who had previously tried to get w/ me so their intentions were "already very clear" and it's "not the same thing". So....during a little getaway together recently, he got a picture message from someone (that he showed to me b/c he thought it was funny) and told me it was from someone his mom works with....w/out mentioning who. I asked and, sure enough, it was her. In fact, turns out she routinely sends him funny picture messages (through text only now) and texts him during baseball games and sometimes at other times. She also happens to be a huge fan of the same team he is a huge fan of and has also gotten tickets for my bf and his dad through connections. I asked him to stop talking to her b/c this makes me VERY uncomfortable and b/c I KNOW if the situation were reversed, he would be just as uncomfortable and just as demanding of action being taken. But he refuses and continues to insist that she's just being friendly. He tells me he's not give in to my insecurities and continues to tell me that he will never be able to make new friends with people of the opposite sex if he gives in now. Everyone I have talked to says that it is clear that she's pursuing him and that he is in the wrong here. And, in my opinion, people typically pursue friendships with people who are more convenient and are only more willing to pursue people who are less convenient for romantic reasons. I tried telling my bf this but he insists that "that's YOU"...and says that "not everyone works that way". Am I just being ridiculous and insecure or is something legitimately wrong going on here????
Author iheartsuki Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Another important detail I forgot to mention: After I got upset about the original fb message, I found out later from him that he actually ASKED her directly what her intentions were and told her it upset me. Her response was that she was just being friendly. But even he agreed that she probably wouldn't admit to having sketchy intentions.
ReturnToSender Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I dont know... My feeling is unless he is initiating contact, asking her out, flirting with her or encouraging her to flirt with him, and as long as he tells her hes not interested then what is he doing wrong here exactly? I guess on the same note though, Id be skeeved out if the guy I was with got mad at *me* over something someone else wrote on my fb wall. Thats like getting mad at me cause a guy compliments me, or looks at me, or tries to talk to me. What matters is how I handle it. Then again, I abhor jealousy so.... I may be coming from a totally different angle.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Another important detail I forgot to mention: After I got upset about the original fb message, I found out later from him that he actually ASKED her directly what her intentions were and told her it upset me. Her response was that she was just being friendly. But even he agreed that she probably wouldn't admit to having sketchy intentions. If she is trying to take your BF away, your doing a great job of helping her out. Stop acting like a crazy insecure person. You should be stoked that he turned her down for lunch. Instead you go nuts on him. What is your goal in that? You need to pull him towards you not push him towards her. I think he is just enjoying the attention from this woman while you treat him like trash. It's only going to be a matter of time before he won't put up with your antics anymore. Now... what OTHER issues are facing your relationship? You alluded to the fact that this is a rough patch.
Author iheartsuki Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 "unless he is initiating contact, asking her out, flirting with her or encouraging her to flirt with him, and as long as he tells her hes not interested then what is he doing wrong here exactly?" I guess the 2 things that really bother me here are: 1) He is not responding to this situation in the same way he would expect me to respond if the tables were turned. 2) It makes me feel really crappy that he is probably enjoying the attention he's getting from her and can't see what it is that SHE may be doing wrong. I realize this one is a little immature, but he even admitted before that it was also a matter of ego when those guys (mainly one, in particular) would write on my wall for everyone to see. So, it kind of ties into #1, actually b/c he is not honoring the same kind of feelings he has had in the past that I now have....even if he considers the two situation "different". "Id be skeeved out if the guy I was with got mad at *me* over something someone else wrote on my fb wall. Thats like getting mad at me cause a guy compliments me, or looks at me, or tries to talk to me. What matters is how I handle it." It definitely made me very angry and made me feel like I was not being trusted. But he insisted it was the other person he didn't trust. My initial response was to completely ignore the other guys, but this wasn't enough for him and he demanded more action than that. Yet, he cannot do the same for me when I feel as he did (and can't even ignore her).
reservoirdog1 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 If she is trying to take your BF away, your doing a great job of helping her out. Stop acting like a crazy insecure person. You should be stoked that he turned her down for lunch. Instead you go nuts on him. What is your goal in that? You need to pull him towards you not push him towards her. I think he is just enjoying the attention from this woman while you treat him like trash. It's only going to be a matter of time before he won't put up with your antics anymore. Now... what OTHER issues are facing your relationship? You alluded to the fact that this is a rough patch. THIS. Especially the bolded part. He's given you every indication -- even in the private stuff that you weren't supposed to see -- that he's not cheating on you or trying to cheat on you. But that's still not good enough for you. And while it's certainly possible that she's interested in him, there's nothing she's sent him that makes this overt, or really even inappropriate. Your focus should be on the other problems you alluded to. Your behaviour over this issue is risking creating ANOTHER problem.
Author iheartsuki Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 "I think he is just enjoying the attention from this woman while you treat him like trash." First of all, why is it alright for him to enjoy attention from another woman when he expects me to not need or enjoy that kind of attention from other men b/c, according to him, he should be enough for me? And second, how exactly am I "treating him like trash"? I got upset that this girl sent the message and upset that he can't see the same intentions behind it that I see, but I was not mean about it. "Now... what OTHER issues are facing your relationship? You alluded to the fact that this is a rough patch." A great many. Double standards, control, resentment over a million little things, and that's just his half of it. I have my insecurities and I have not given as much to him in some situations as he has given to me (I have explained this in another post), and I have plenty of resentment as well. I feel in this particular situation, it's not just about my insecurities, though. I think what this girl is doing is inappropriate and my boyfriend is failing to admit that and act on it as he would expect me to act on it if the situation were reversed.
PratyekaYana Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Since he has gotten VERY upset in the past about other guys blatantly hitting on me on my fb wall ("in public" when I clearly have a bf) or through text, and DEMANDED that I directly tell them, "I have a bf" and "don't talk to me that way"...especially when they weren't saying anything overtly inappropriate...I felt it was completely fair for me to expect the same from him. But he didn't feel this way and, according to him, those were guys who had previously tried to get w/ me so their intentions were "already very clear" and it's "not the same thing".How is it that so few posters have elected to tackle the double-standard imposed upon her behavior by her boyfriend's restrictions? If what you say is true concerning the nature of those Facebook posts, that they were in no way objectively flirtatious, then you are well within your rights to hold your boyfriend to the same standard that he holds you. The woman communicating with your boyfriend may or may not be pursuing him; either possibility is irrelevant to this situation. The men that posted to your fb wall had debatable intentions in doing so, but your boyfriend proscribed their actions without reservation and forced you to react to them in very specific ways. Why can't you wield the same power?
Author iheartsuki Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 "Why can't you wield the same power?" Not sure, but it seems that I pretty much never can. It doesn't seem that he ever really lives by the same standards he imposes and this bothers me A LOT. It takes a lot of exhaustive convincing and/or research and concrete facts that can't be denied on the basis that he "doesn't remember" something. One part that I would just like to make extra clear, b/c this is the defining reason he has given me for why this situation w/ this girl is NOT the same as the situation w/ the other men writing on my wall....one of those men, in particular, tried to sleep with me. So, according to my bf, this guy's intentions were "very clear" from the get go. After that point, the guy would write things on my wall that were NOT overtly sexual or suggestive....they seemed pretty neutral, actually, but it put me in an awkward position b/c how do you tell someone "stop saying ambiguous, seemingly harmless things to me since you tried to sleep with me once before"? So I just ignored him and genuinely had no interest in him, but this wasn't enough for my bf. Because nothing sexual has ever happened with this girl (yet), he insists that she is just being friendly. My feeling is that this is just an easy excuse, though. So....DOES the fact that the other guy (who I was already ignoring under my own initiative) tried to sleep with me before make that situation completely different from this one? Did my bf have MORE of a right in that situation to get upset?
PratyekaYana Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 So....DOES the fact that the other guy (who I was already ignoring under my own initiative) tried to sleep with me before make that situation completely different from this one? Did my bf have MORE of a right in that situation to get upset?My initial response to you was based off of the assumption that the guys posting on your fb wall had been pretty much ambiguous in their interaction with you (mirroring the interaction between your boyfriend and the woman under scrutiny). If these men weren't posting anything inappropriate, flirtatious, or suggestive, then my point would still stand; since one of them has actively pursued you, however, I have to reevaluate. If the men posting on your fb wall--excluding the one who has a demonstrably sexual interest in you--have not objectively communicated with you in such a way as to warrant suspicion, and your boyfriend still insists that you respond to them in the manner that you'd respond to the guy who tried to bed you, then you have a foundation on which to stand in requesting that he stop communications with his mother's co-worker. Still, I imagine that you're on fairly shaky ground here as I suspect that your boyfriend will use the outlier in those Facebook guys to justify his position toward your communication.
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