A noob's story

[blinded_27]

Hello everyone!

 

I came across this forum today and I'm hoping that getting my story out will help me make a crucial decision. Sorry I know it's super long.....

 

After moving 5 hours away from home to my current city, I was feeling pretty lonely. I hadn't made many friends and drove home every weekend just to save myself from feeling so depressed. I ended up finding a hobby, and met a great guy in April.

 

Like almost everyone's situation here he became super attentive to me really quickly. He clearly had a crush on me, but I later found out he was engaged. I chalked it up to him just being a flirty guy and kept things really casual with us.

 

Over the next few weeks and months we became really close. He would come over to my place almost every night and he would send me these really great emails throughout the day, telling me how beautiful I am and just making me feel good about myself in a way I had never felt before. It got to the point where I was almost sick of him because he would come over uninvited when I just wanted a night to myself, but I secretly liked it deep down because I had never had anyone so interested in me like this before. I found out he wasn't happy in his relationship with her and was basically settling with his best friend.

 

I couldn't help but feel guilty about what was happening, and the kind of person I was becoming, and tried to end it with him several times. Every time I would end it he would come after me and do everything in his power to get me back. He would buy me things and tell me he never felt this way about anyone before, and I would always go back to him.

 

In July, I was still trying to keep things casual with us. He told me he loved me but I didn't reciprocate. He asked me if he left her would I be with him, I said I wasn't sure. I then found out he turned around and got married. The kicker is I had no idea that entire weekend. I found out afterwards that he was texting me on the NIGHT of his wedding. He came over to my place a few days later and told me everything, I swore I would never take him back again.

 

Sure enough, I found myself thinking about him and falling for him more and more every day, I'm not sure why. Fate kept bringing us together it seemed. I live in a big city and we kept crossing paths. It was like we were meant to be.

 

Fast forward to 1 month ago, he finally tells his wife he wants out. She moves out to live with some friends temporarily.

 

This should have been a time for us to celebrate the fact that we can finally be together, but something in him seemed to click that night, and he changed from being this wonderful guy who just couldn't get enough of me, to this depressed, angry man who just doesn't seem like he wants to talk to me anymore.

 

I found out last week when I got a hold of his phone that instead of working late like he said he was, he was speaking with his wife again and was "back together" with her, searching for apartments together. That hurt more than anything, I tried to kick him out of my place but he cried and told me I'm the one he wanted to be with. He picked up the phone right then and there and called her to tell her it wasn't going to work out between them. I heard her crying. It was the hardest thing to witness... it was so messed up. I felt awful, I should have stuck to my guns when I ended it the first time. Now it's just getting harder and harder.

 

Things were great for a few days but now I'm insanely jealous of the relationship between him and his wife. She is always texting him and complaining about how she can't find a place to live. He's there at her beck and call all the time. They were only married for 2 months yet he's giving her half the stuff HE bought (his LCD tv, his furniture, dishes etc). Maybe I should be staying out of this, but the fact that he's become less attentive to me and seems to be angry at me all the time, and is suddenly so concerned about her makes me feel really sad.

 

We've had a million fights about this, she is always over at his apartment during the day just to use his internet to search for apartments and "pack". She can't find an internet cafe? Her stuff is packed already, why does she need to be there every single day? He's upset with me because I'm not being more understanding. He doesn't want her to end up in a dump somewhere, but I think she can handle it on her own. He doesn't need to be worrying about finding places for her to live and finding her a set of winter tires for her car or all the other BS she keeps bugging him about.

 

He isn't being sensitive to my feelings about this, even though he says he is by not keeping anymore secrets from me and showing me the text conversations they've been having on his phone. He insists he doesn't want to go back to her, but I just can't trust him anymore.

 

I'm not sure what to do. Is this just a grieving process for him? Will things go back to the way they were when this is done and over with? Should I be worried he's having doubts because this divorce seems to be taking FOREVER to happen? I don't know if I should just leave him and spare myself in case he decides to go back with her again... am I wrong to want her completely out of his life? He says he wants to stay friends with her, which I am not comfortable with at all. My friends and family think I'm a complete idiot for taking him back after being lied to and deceived so many times. It's so hard for me to leave him now, I feel so lost when he's not around... I just don't know what to do

[KikiW]

What would happen if you told him "go take care of what you need to take care of. If you decide to be single, BECOME single, and are in a happier place, then we can talk again."?

 

Sounds like he wasn't ready to get married, certainly not to her. Sounds like he is a guy who doesn't like being alone, so he would only leave his "settlement" if you said you would be with him.

 

Sounds like he has some growing up to do. And you need to find your own personal strength. It sucks that the guy you got to know in your new city was this one, but start looking elsewhere for some new friends. He's got some work to do on himself and you don't need to be around for it.

[blinded_27]

Hi kikiW,

 

Thanks for your response...

 

What would happen if you told him "go take care of what you need to take care of. If you decide to be single, BECOME single, and are in a happier place, then we can talk again."?

 

Actually, funny enough we just talked about this the other night, we said maybe we should just be friends until the divorce is settled. Seemed like a good idea but it's soooo hard not being with him... I don't have much to distract myself with here either because all my friends live so far away, it's just that much harder. Last night we got together to hang out and watch the game together, but the tension was too much and we're back to where we were again.

 

Sounds like he wasn't ready to get married, certainly not to her. Sounds like he is a guy who doesn't like being alone, so he would only leave his "settlement" if you said you would be with him.

 

Sounds like he has some growing up to do. And you need to find your own personal strength. It sucks that the guy you got to know in your new city was this one, but start looking elsewhere for some new friends. He's got some work to do on himself and you don't need to be around for it.

 

You're totally right, he definitely wasn't ready to get married at all. He told me he did it because he didn't want to disappoint his family as they had been engaged for so long. He is a couple of years younger than me too, his age really shows through sometimes. I fell in love with him though (for some reason) and it feels impossible to just get out there on my own again and not having him around... he was new to the city as well so we got to explore it together. The couple of times I left him and cut him off cold turkey I just cried the entire time. I felt completely lost. I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years in February, even that wasn't as hard as this is... really sucks

[jthorne]

You really should look into conflict avoidance.

This guy has it written all over him.

[maravilla]

Okay, so, what do you really see in this guy? Is it just that you're bored and lonely in your new town and he distracts you? I only ask you this because in my recent thread a lot of ppl pointed out to me how my MM was not acting like a good guy! He was lying to his wife, stringing me along, being cowardly, avoiding conflict... and your MM sounds a lot like that too. So you need to ask yourself whether you even want to be with a guy like that. I feel sorry for his wife. I can't believe he was texting you on their wedding night and now he's saying he wants to divorce her only two months after they got married! He's running back and forth between you and her like a ping-pong ball. And you're letting him do it. I'm not trying to yell at you or judge you. I was just in a situation a lot like this so I'm just trying to share the advice I've just learned.

 

You can't meet a good single guy while you still have this bozo in your life. And I really do think based on what you've written that he's a slimy slimy bozo! You can do way better! Leave him and his wife to their issues and move on so you can find someone worthy of your time and attention.

 

Right now I'm feeling really lonely because I just called it off with my MM. I worry that I won't have anyone to share date nights with, to come over and keep me company and all of that. I want romance and companionship like anyone else. But I had to realize that this was not the right guy to be giving it to me (at least not right now anyway). It wasn't everything I really wanted and I was settling and I was in pain. You sound the same way. When I told my friend I was lonely and sad she said, 'come on, you don't need this 60-year-old guy (she was exaggerating, he isn't that old but he's much older than me) to make you feel good about yourself. Go to the gym, read some good books, go out with your friends, there are a lot of things you can on your own that won't make you miserable because you're not hanging out with a married man!' She was so right! So replace '60 year old man' with 'younger just-married confused ping-pong guy' and you'll reach the same result.

 

I think you should get this toxic guy out of your life. Don't settle and stay stuck with someone who is showing you and his wife such little respect just because you're afraid of being alone. Try to embrace this time of re-discovering yourself and making the best life for yourself and then you'll be in the right spot to meet a much better and more available guy. All the best to you!

[Dexter Morgan]

 

He isn't being sensitive to my feelings about this

 

what about his wife's feelings?

 

 

 

even though he says he is by not keeping anymore secrets from me and showing me the text conversations they've been having on his phone. He insists he doesn't want to go back to her, but I just can't trust him anymore.

 

well what was your first clue that you couldn't trust him?

 

he was engaged and paving the way for an affair. you knew this. So here he was a committed man, engaged about to be married....but you didn't care.

 

THAT is when you should have realized you couldn't trust him. What is it about people that hook up with cheaters, then all of a sudden realize "I can't trust him/her"?

 

He says he wants to stay friends with her, which I am not comfortable with at all.

 

thats not the part that should really give you cause for concern. the part that he is a dog and would mess around when engaged should be the issue. I know you probably think you are special and that he wouldn't dare do the same to you.....think again.

 

My friends and family think I'm a complete idiot for taking him back after being lied to and deceived so many times.

 

your friends and family should feel this way because you hooked up with him knowing he was engaged, then married, which makes him a cheater.

 

 

 

It's so hard for me to leave him now, I feel so lost when he's not around... I just don't know what to do

 

well I'll tell you, and this isn't to bring you down, but to wake you up.

 

if you stay with him, expect to be dealt the same hand as his stbX wife. you WILL be cheated on by this jackass.

[Carrot2000]

 

We've had a million fights about this, she is always over at his apartment during the day just to use his internet to search for apartments and "pack". She can't find an internet cafe? Her stuff is packed already, why does she need to be there every single day?

 

She's there because he lets her come over every single day. He may not want to be married, but it sounds like he's regretting his decision to leave her, hence his annoyance with you.

 

He doesn't want her to end up in a dump somewhere, but I think she can handle it on her own.

 

You couldn't handle being alone and on your own, so why do you think she should be able to do something you're not capable of?

 

 

 

He doesn't need to be worrying about finding places for her to live and finding her a set of winter tires for her car or all the other BS she keeps bugging him about.

 

He's worrying about her because he still cares about her well-being. And as her husband, he may still feel obligated to look after her until they are divorced. Like it or not, his WIFE is not going to drop off the face of the earth because you are threatened by her.

 

Should I be worried he's having doubts because this divorce seems to be taking FOREVER to happen?

 

He left a month ago--that's hardly forever.

 

 

I don't know if I should just leave him and spare myself in case he decides to go back with her again... am I wrong to want her completely out of his life? He says he wants to stay friends with her, which I am not comfortable with at all. My friends and family think I'm a complete idiot for taking him back after being lied to and deceived so many times. It's so hard for me to leave him now, I feel so lost when he's not around... I just don't know what to do

 

You're too wrapped up in this guy. He has business he needs to finish up and you're using him as your lifeline. Instead of clinging to him--because it's entirely possible that he will return to his wife--start building a life for yourself where you are. Don't be so desperate that you have to hold on to a man that doesn't even know whether he's coming or going.

[fooled once]

Hello everyone!

 

I came across this forum today and I'm hoping that getting my story out will help me make a crucial decision. Sorry I know it's super long.....

 

After moving 5 hours away from home to my current city, I was feeling pretty lonely. I hadn't made many friends and drove home every weekend just to save myself from feeling so depressed. I ended up finding a hobby, and met a great guy in April.

 

Like almost everyone's situation here he became super attentive to me really quickly. He clearly had a crush on me, but I later found out he was engaged. I chalked it up to him just being a flirty guy and kept things really casual with us.

 

Over the next few weeks and months we became really close. He would come over to my place almost every night and he would send me these really great emails throughout the day, telling me how beautiful I am and just making me feel good about myself in a way I had never felt before. It got to the point where I was almost sick of him because he would come over uninvited when I just wanted a night to myself, but I secretly liked it deep down because I had never had anyone so interested in me like this before. I found out he wasn't happy in his relationship with her and was basically settling with his best friend.

 

I couldn't help but feel guilty about what was happening, and the kind of person I was becoming, and tried to end it with him several times. Every time I would end it he would come after me and do everything in his power to get me back. He would buy me things and tell me he never felt this way about anyone before, and I would always go back to him.

 

In July, I was still trying to keep things casual with us. He told me he loved me but I didn't reciprocate. He asked me if he left her would I be with him, I said I wasn't sure. I then found out he turned around and got married. The kicker is I had no idea that entire weekend. I found out afterwards that he was texting me on the NIGHT of his wedding. He came over to my place a few days later and told me everything, I swore I would never take him back again.

 

Sure enough, I found myself thinking about him and falling for him more and more every day, I'm not sure why. Fate kept bringing us together it seemed. I live in a big city and we kept crossing paths. It was like we were meant to be.

 

Fast forward to 1 month ago, he finally tells his wife he wants out. She moves out to live with some friends temporarily.

 

This should have been a time for us to celebrate the fact that we can finally be together, but something in him seemed to click that night, and he changed from being this wonderful guy who just couldn't get enough of me, to this depressed, angry man who just doesn't seem like he wants to talk to me anymore.

 

I found out last week when I got a hold of his phone that instead of working late like he said he was, he was speaking with his wife again and was "back together" with her, searching for apartments together. That hurt more than anything, I tried to kick him out of my place but he cried and told me I'm the one he wanted to be with. He picked up the phone right then and there and called her to tell her it wasn't going to work out between them. I heard her crying. It was the hardest thing to witness... it was so messed up. I felt awful, I should have stuck to my guns when I ended it the first time. Now it's just getting harder and harder.

 

Things were great for a few days but now I'm insanely jealous of the relationship between him and his wife. She is always texting him and complaining about how she can't find a place to live. He's there at her beck and call all the time. They were only married for 2 months yet he's giving her half the stuff HE bought (his LCD tv, his furniture, dishes etc). Maybe I should be staying out of this, but the fact that he's become less attentive to me and seems to be angry at me all the time, and is suddenly so concerned about her makes me feel really sad.

 

We've had a million fights about this, she is always over at his apartment during the day just to use his internet to search for apartments and "pack". She can't find an internet cafe? Her stuff is packed already, why does she need to be there every single day? He's upset with me because I'm not being more understanding. He doesn't want her to end up in a dump somewhere, but I think she can handle it on her own. He doesn't need to be worrying about finding places for her to live and finding her a set of winter tires for her car or all the other BS she keeps bugging him about.

 

He isn't being sensitive to my feelings about this, even though he says he is by not keeping anymore secrets from me and showing me the text conversations they've been having on his phone. He insists he doesn't want to go back to her, but I just can't trust him anymore.

 

I'm not sure what to do. Is this just a grieving process for him? Will things go back to the way they were when this is done and over with? Should I be worried he's having doubts because this divorce seems to be taking FOREVER to happen? I don't know if I should just leave him and spare myself in case he decides to go back with her again... am I wrong to want her completely out of his life? He says he wants to stay friends with her, which I am not comfortable with at all. My friends and family think I'm a complete idiot for taking him back after being lied to and deceived so many times. It's so hard for me to leave him now, I feel so lost when he's not around... I just don't know what to do

 

He just happened to get married?

 

And you still want him - even after all this?

 

You are in for a world of hurt. He is not who you want him to be NOR who you need.

 

HE IS MARRIED.

 

And the fact that he is untrustworthy should speak VOLUMES to you.

 

Kick him to the curb -- he isn't worth it. Divorce after 2 months? Did you 'date' him right after he got married too? WHY didn't you say to yourself "NO WAY"?

 

I don't know what you think is going to happen - they are going to divorce and you are going to be happily married to him...for 3 months? He is showing you the kind of "man" he is...is that what you want?

[blinded_27]

It's so funny. Some of these comments, although a little harsh, have crossed my mind.

 

I COMPLETELY realize that looking at this from the outside, I'm a moron for sticking around. Hell, even I read through some of the other posts that people have made on here and thought to myself "what are you doing to yourself? Leave now!!!" lol

 

But as most people who have come here for some guidance know, when you're in love, you're completely blinded. I know all the clues are there. I realize that there is a chance he will either go back to his wife, or cheat on me too. But the fact that I love him so much stupidly gives me a faint glimmer of hope that maybe... just maybe....

 

 

Thank you for all your replies anyway, maravilla your reply was very helpful, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you

 

----------

 

Anyway I came back on here tonight to post an update.

 

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!!!

 

This evening he hadn't replied to any of my calls so I went and grabbed a pizza and drove out to his place to find out what was up. When I got there, I saw her car in the driveway... I walked up to the front door and saw into the kitchen where they were making dinner together and hugging ouch...

 

My first instinct was to just say, "wow, YES he is a sleazebag and has been all along...." and just walk away. But I was SO angry at the fact that he had the balls to just ignore me like that after everything we had been through, and talked about when I ASKED him over and over again "DO YOU HAVE ANY DOUBTS?", that I mustered up all my courage and rang the fahking doorbell.

 

They came to the door and she was ready to come at me. He held her back but I told him to let her go so we can talk about this.

 

He eventually let go of her and went inside, and I talked to her. I told her EVERYTHING. Maybe it wasn't my place to do so. Maybe it's none of my business to meddle in their relationship any more than I already have, but I was so overwhelmed with anger and sadness that I figured "if he's going to be with her, then she needs to know that I was a very significant part of his life for a good solid 7 months".

 

Funny how our stories clashed so much. I found out that the engagement ring he had in his hand when he told me she gave it back to him when they supposedly "called off the marriage", actually turned out that he asked her for the ring because he wanted to "have something engraved in it".... which he never did. He stayed at my place just last night. He had spoken with her the day before supposedly and was looking at marriage councellers so they can work things out. All those times he was sleeping at my place, he was telling her he was either sleeping in the car or at a friends place.

 

More and more lies just came to the surface as the three of us talked and cried. It was the most effed up thing I've ever been though.... I couldn't believe I was a part of this. It felt so Jerry Springer, but with real feelings and emotions involved. lol jk we handled it like adults. But his response to some of the lies that came out were really irritating. He hardly said anything the entire time.

 

It all came out in the end that he said he was in love with both of us and didn't know what to do. He told us he is going to take a couple of days to himself and just think about what he wants to do.

 

I know, some of you are probably yelling at the computer screen right now... this is my ticket out, WHYYYY would I EVER want to be with someone like this!!!!! Why would i want to be with someone who is SUCH a compulsive liar???

 

I just feel numb right now. I know I have to let go but my heart just doesn't want to. We both felt something neither of us had ever felt before... letting go of someone I love so much is going to be really hard. I'm not looking forward to the months ahead if I have to do it

Edited November 4, 2010 by blinded_27

[Carrot2000]

I hope you aren't going to sit around and wait for his decision, hoping against hope that he chooses you. You're worth more than that and don't ever put yourself in a situation where you have to compete for a man or become one of his options. This guy is in a win-win situation; either way, he'll end up with a woman who, for some reason, wants his raggedy azz. Even if you end up with him, what are you getting but a man who is a liar? Even though you felt something, he was lying to you the entire time and you can't let your heart overlook this obvious truth.

 

Take care of yourself, start building a life where you are, and leave this man and his drama behind. Look at this as a learning experience and never make this mistake again.

[skywriter]

If you do ask him to please step back, until he has his marriage dissolved.

 

What do you think would happen? Maybe he would go running back to his wife or he'd take responsibility for what he has created.

 

There's only one way to find out, eh?

[bentnotbroken]

Love ain't that blind! Why put the decision for you life and emotional well being in the hands of a jackazz? He not only lied, proved he will cheat(with that comes the possibility of STD's), but proved he will manipulate two women into thinking he is confused. :sick:If love is that blind, Lord help those who's brains turn off when they let their emotions take over.

[blinded_27]

I hope you aren't going to sit around and wait for his decision, hoping against hope that he chooses you. You're worth more than that and don't ever put yourself in a situation where you have to compete for a man or become one of his options. This guy is in a win-win situation; either way, he'll end up with a woman who, for some reason, wants his raggedy azz. Even if you end up with him, what are you getting but a man who is a liar? Even though you felt something, he was lying to you the entire time and you can't let your heart overlook this obvious truth.

 

Take care of yourself, start building a life where you are, and leave this man and his drama behind. Look at this as a learning experience and never make this mistake again.

 

Thanks, this is all true. He seems to love the drama, and I'm sure he's loving the fact that he has 2 women fighting for him right now.

 

I packed up all his stuff last night, and everything that reminded me of him. All the gifts, the stupid mementos, etc.

 

I was debating this morning stopping by his work and just dropping everything off while getting my last few words in. I just want to tell him if I'm always going to be second don't keep me waiting any longer and just take the stuff and get out of my life.

 

I want to do this before he makes his decision, just to spare myself from the answer which I already know... he will (obviously) choose to work things out with his wife. The waiting game is just too much torture right now, I can't start to heal with this kind of anticipation...

 

I can't wait until my emotions turn off and my brain turns back on again. Because that's exactly what happened, bentnotbroken.. lol.. I realize everything that's going on around me, but for some reason I just didn't care and hoped he would end up with me like he said he would from the beginning. How do people lie like this SOO easily?? It amazes me.

Edited November 4, 2010 by blinded_27

[Silly_Girl]

I was debating this morning stopping by his work and just dropping everything off while getting my last few words in. I just want to tell him if I'm always going to be second don't keep me waiting any longer and just take the stuff and get out of my life.

 

'If' means you're still leaving the ball in his court. This isn't you TELLING him, it's you asking him to pick you. Which is fine, IF that's how you want to play it.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks, this is all true. He seems to love the drama, and I'm sure he's loving the fact that he has 2 women fighting for him right now.

 

I packed up all his stuff last night, and everything that reminded me of him. All the gifts, the stupid mementos, etc.

 

I was debating this morning stopping by his work and just dropping everything off while getting my last few words in. I just want to tell him if I'm always going to be second don't keep me waiting any longer and just take the stuff and get out of my life.

 

I want to do this before he makes his decision, just to spare myself from the answer which I already know... he will (obviously) choose to work things out with his wife. The waiting game is just too much torture right now, I can't start to heal with this kind of anticipation...

 

I can't wait until my emotions turn off and my brain turns back on again. Because that's exactly what happened, bentnotbroken.. lol.. I realize everything that's going on around me, but for some reason I just didn't care and hoped he would end up with me like he said he would from the beginning. How do people lie like this SOO easily?? It amazes me.

 

 

What is equally amazing is that people will believe them so easily.

[Silly_Girl]

What is equally amazing is that people will believe them so easily.

 

That is the really sad bit actually. Something both BS's and OW's have to overcome and find some peace with.

[woinlove]

This man seems particularly devious if he lied to his wife about wanting to engrave her engagement ring just so he would have something concrete to back up a lie to the OW with. Even amongst MM, this sounds like extreme behavior.

[YellowShark]

Will things go back to the way they were when this is done and over with?

 

No. The relationship you have with him now is not the same relationship you had with him prior to his marriage, and the lying to you about it.

 

I don't know if I should just leave him and spare myself in case he decides to go back with her again...

 

Considering he was being unfaithful while he was literally getting married is a really bad start in the trust department. That would be a deal-breaker for me.

 

He says he wants to stay friends with her, which I am not comfortable with at all.

 

So who's the backup plan then? You or his STBX? That's what it means when he "want's to stay friends" with his STBX.

 

My friends and family think I'm a complete idiot for taking him back after being lied to and deceived so many times.

 

Let's say you had a friend who told you your story. Would you advise her as you friends and family are advising you? Or tell her to go for it?

 

It's so hard for me to leave him now, I feel so lost when he's not around... I just don't know what to do

 

Do as others have suggested. Tell him to go deal with his life and tell him to call you when all his drama is over. You don't need to shoulder the emotional burden of his bad choices. It'll only drag you down until you are fraught with grief just like you are right now.

 

Best of luck.

[shayan]

you're crazy if you stay with this guy, he seems like a child, and he cheated on his wife for you. What do you think he would do if you were in a relationship with him and he found someone else he liked.

 

Don't be so naive.

 

don't be a freaking noob, use your head.

[bentnotbroken]

That is the really sad bit actually. Something both BS's and OW's have to overcome and find some peace with.

 

 

I am not in disagreement with this. It is sad and relatively self inflicted.

[blinded_27]

So it's been about a week since the drama and confrontation with his wife. Yikes. I tried to stay away from here because reading some of the stuff on here was just way too depressing.

 

FYI, I'm not going to sugarcoat anything here. I found out last Friday that he wanted to try to make the marriage work and that she made him change his number on me. I'm sorry but being such a significant part of his life for so long, there was no way I was going to allow him to do that to me. The last time we talked he was trying to figure out who he wanted to be with. (Yes. Stupid. Thanks I know... this stupid cloud I have hanging over my head is lifting slowly but surely lol).

 

So I left the party I was at and drove out to his place at 1am and just went completely ballistic on him. I yelled at him, I broke stuff, I went PSYCHO!!! I was scaring myself. I'm usually pretty chilled out, I have never done anything like this before. I left his place, and that was that.

 

That Sunday we met up to return eachother's things. I apologized for my outrageous behaviour and we hugged and said our goodbyes.

 

I was completely dazed and depressed since then. Just last night though, that cloud began to lift a little, and I suddenly realized I was no longer attracted to him, someone that could do such horrible things to me.

 

But today, I heard from him. He emailed me a few times, then showed up at my door. He misses me, he's not sure if the marriage is going to work out, he still loves me, he says if he comes back he will have the divorce papers signed in his hand. blah blah yeah right buddy.

 

I'm still not feelin the chemistry right now, which is a good thing. I should just turn away now while I have the upper hand so it's easier on myself, at least I would have been the one to make the choice to walk away and not him. Ugh but as HORRIBLE as it sounds, I want SOOO badly to just string him along for a while. Make him believe I'm totally into this and then drop him on his face the exact same way he did to me. It would bring me so much joy to do this!!!!! Make him feel the way I felt for so long. But I'm scared of accidentally getting attached again. Evil, I know. Immature, yes. But I'm still angry. And I want revenge.

 

Blahhhhh. Just needed to vent that out.

Edited November 11, 2010 by blinded_27

[Katharin Clifton]

Maravilla is right. Once the fog in your head clears and u are able to think straight, u will realise that u should feel sorry for the wife. I recently ended my affair with a MM. I was so in love with him that it took me a long time to even come to terms with the fact that I was indeed having an affair. Why? Because on my heart I was so into him that everything seemed justified and right. However, I having since ended the affair (though I am still struggling with No Contact every day), I started to develop feelings of real compassion for his wife. They've been married for 5 yrs. I'm not sure what went wrong but it takes 2 hands to clap. So I will not speculate or pass judgements. But if I were to put myself in his wife's shoes, it would definitely be a lousy situation. I wouldn't want my husband running around town flirting with other women, leading them on by engendering warm feelings in them towards him. Your MM called u on his wedding night. Seriously, u don't want a guy like that in your life. He won't give u the happiness u deserve. It took me a while to see my situation as it really is. But my eyes have been opened and I'm never going back. In time, when your heart is ready, I hope you will do the same. You deserve so much more than what he's giving u! *hugs*

[phillyfan]

My friends and family think I'm a complete idiot for taking him back after being lied to and deceived so many times. It's so hard for me to leave him now, I feel so lost when he's not around... I just don't know what to do

 

Dude, listen up, your friends and family they love you, they know what is best, they know he is king of the douches. And do not DARE stay bitter at the wife, that poor girl, she is your friend, u guys sit down and talk it out, then u get the truth.

 

And chill on the feeling lost. Ull feel lost for like, a day, then you'll get pissed, then ull do some cool s*it u girls do, sex n the city style cocktails and spas, whatever to make u feel good, go the dating thing, ull realize the world still turns the sun still shines, you go girl can u tell i have a lil sis haha :D

[Fieldsofgold]

There's an old proverb, "you can't take fire into your bosom and not be burned."

 

If you're having a hard time getting over him - just stay involved with him. String him along a little. Have some fun messing with him. The old feelings will eventually come back, and even stronger. And you'll be helping him inflict additional pain on his wife, as well! And the deeper your feelings grow for him, the nastier he'll be to you, until eventually he will have hurt you so bad, and so much, that you'll get totally fed up and hate him, and it will still be hard for you to get over him, because I'm thinking what you have is not love, but some sick sort of co-dependence, and maybe a little ego need to "win" over the wife.

 

This is just sooo messed up. I really think you need IC. NOW!

 

Wishing you good luck. And clarity.

[blinded_27]

Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback.... I was pretty angry what I wrote that stuff about stringing him along etc. I'm just having a very hard time coping and drive myself absolutely crazy thinking about it.

 

Oddly, I'm feeling a little less saddened now that we've broken NC and he's back in my life again, but now there's just this whole new level of anxiety.

 

Things just aren't the same. Him and his wife are separated now, he says he wants to be alone for a while to get his life sorted out and decide what he wants to do. Yet he still sees me (and her I'm sure) quite often... and he just seems so angry and depressed all the time. He says he wants to be himself again, the way he was when we first met, but he's really struggling between the two of us... it's definitely messed up, a really bad situation to be in...

 

I want out of this sooo badly, it's just so hard when the only friends we both have being new to the city are the same ones ... I want to be friends with him, but it's clearly not working because just "hanging out" always turns into him staying the night again.

 

Things were so much easier in the 3 days of no contact I had with him. He was such an ass to me on purpose the night before we stopped talking. I became disgusted at the thought of him on the third day. I wish I was back there again, now I have to find a way to start NC all over again. It's going to be tough.

 

Reading through some of the recent posts on this forum have been very helpful though. It's nice knowing I'm not alone.