Guy-Dumper/Girl Dumpee. Men, Possible Interpretions for His Statements/Actions? TY!

[Gossamer]

Hi All

 

I'm sorry for the long post. I really love this community as I become more familiar with it. I realize at this time, I am getting a lot more out of reading the the second chance forum as it seems less 'cut-and-dry' in my case, than the breaking up forum, and I now see that there are various forums for different situations.

 

I originally posted the below question:

 

"Ex Says They Think About What They Lost? Could Have Done Better? WTF?"

 

and the earlier one:

 

"Ex Broke NC. Wants Me "in His Life in Some Way." What are His Intentions?"

 

 

in the enclosed "backstory" links, in the breakup section, but the 2 answers I got there didn’t quite answer my question. The answers there were helpful, but were more about giving myself a break from seeing or speaking to him and going NC if he‘s seeing someone else, though I didn‘t indicate that he was specifically seeing anyone, in my post. So I perhaps didn’t phrase my question correctly. I have 3 posts online if anyone cares to read the backstory. I have been NC for 3 weeks now.

 

I want to know if from the below declaration, and others, my ex has been thinking he‘s made a mistake, even if he’s not planning to rekindle a relationship with me, at least not now. The reason I’m asking is because he has given me mixed messages.

 

I do get needing to go NC, and I have, thanks to these forums. But the advice to go NC isn’t really all that I am asking right now.

 

He had indicated, in person a couple months ago, that he had reconsidered that we might work as a couple if we rebuilt our relationship by more slowly becoming friends, first, and rebuilding trust by doing things together. I don’t know if he’s still thinking that now since more time has gone by, plus going NC. He broke up with me partly because I was not available to follow through on some of our plans because I was jobless, working through a crisis, was honest with him about this being a bad time in my life and that I wanted to take it more slowly than he did. He didn’t really give me the time and space I needed then, ie, compromise, and he eventually grew tired of me having to plan-shift so much. I have a job now and a grant to go back to school came through a few weeks after he dumped me, so my life changed for the better pretty quickly after he dumped me.

 

Anyway, perhaps I should be asking the guys what the below means. I didn’t really get answers to this, more like go NC and get away from his influence, which I am already doing.

 

Anyway, this and some other stuff was in response to my telling him, again, that I was going NC.

 

"Want you know, lately I think a lot about what I lost. I wish I had done a lot better and differently. You are an amazing person. I know you'll thrive..."

 

I do understand that barring any “beating down of the dumpees’ front door”, such statements shouldn’t be taken as the dumper wanting a reconciliation.

 

But he has made some strong motions for wanting me in his life, including breaking NC to tell me he would want to do what it would take to make that happen.

 

Any advice, insights, especially from the guys in the second chance forum, would be highly welcome!!!!!!

 

Thank you amazing everyones on here!!!!!!　

　

　

　

[COLOR=#0000ff][/COLOR][COLOR=#0000ff]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t249583/[/COLOR]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244893/

[Don Ho]

Gossamer you're grasping at straws and hanging on to hope. I'm sure, once again, this is not the answer you want to hear. You want to hear that "oh, yes he's dropping clues that he wants you back". I don't think that's the case at all. Almost everyone has regrets when they're broken up. That doesn't mean they want the other person back or that it would work out if they did. Further he 'wants you in his life' only means he is fond of you for what you HAD and would like you as a friend or acquaintance. It doesn't mean he wants to be in any type of romantic relationship with you. Yes, you're doing NC physically, but you're not moving on mentally. That's the next step. You have to accept (which I think it is) that it is over.

[Gossamer]

It's good to see it in print.

 

I've thought of writing a letter explaining why I can't be friends with him, because he has wanted to be in my life in that way and has broken NC several times. Because I feel that while he thinks he can pop in and make contact with me again, I am not moving on, mentally, emotionally, thinking about whether or not he wants a second chance.

 

I know some people don't believe in declaring NC, they just do, but we've been on semi-friendly terms, and I've tried to make that work because he wanted to be on speaking terms.

 

It's scary to me to sever the tie completely, but I know that while he still thinks he can check in and want to cultivate a friendship with me, I don't feel like I am moving on. Not really.

 

So what about writing a letter communicating NC and that I can't be friends with him?

 

And to ask him to give me back some of my things because he ended the relationship so abruptly?

 

Geeez, this is exhausting.

 

Thanks...

 

/Gossamer.

 

 

 

 

 

Gossamer you're grasping at straws and hanging on to hope. I'm sure, once again, this is not the answer you want to hear. You want to hear that "oh, yes he's dropping clues that he wants you back". I don't think that's the case at all. Almost everyone has regrets when they're broken up. That doesn't mean they want the other person back or that it would work out if they did. Further he 'wants you in his life' only means he is fond of you for what you HAD and would like you as a friend or acquaintance. It doesn't mean he wants to be in any type of romantic relationship with you. Yes, you're doing NC physically, but you're not moving on mentally. That's the next step. You have to accept (which I think it is) that it is over.

[Don Ho]

Glad my post was helpful. I know it's difficult and painful for you, but I very much believe it's the best advice. I would not normally recommend this, but given the situation that he continues to contact, you're allowed ONE five sentence text or email to him that will ONLY say this:

 

"X, I hope you understand, I have to ask you to not contact me anymore. It is way to difficult for me. I will contact you if/or when I can have a platonic friendship with you. Please box up my things (x,y,z) and let me know when you will not be there so I can pick them up. Please respecting my wishes, Gossamer".

 

It will not say you love him, miss him, wish it were different or anything else!! Factual and simple. That's it.

[Eternity001]

I'm kind of having the same issue as you right now, Gossamer.

 

My ex has recently contact me after a month of NC, although I never asked her not to contact me it's just happened. We have been apart for 10 months and she has pushed to meet up with me or be friends for that entire time, it's just never actually happened.

 

I can't really cut her out of my life entirely because some of her crap is still at my house but, I wonder what her intentions are this time. I thought after this round of NC it was done but then she pops up again, wanting to meet and so on.

 

Supposed to meet up this weekend, if that doesn't happen I will be telling her I want no more contact.

 

I was the dumper in my situation, just for your reference.

Edited November 4, 2010 by Eternity001

[Gossamer]

Thank you so much for your response. I was hoping to get some personal stories about regrets and how guys process and/or act/communicate this to the dumpee.

 

I read your backstory and I appreciate your honesty. I think there are a lot of good people on these forums who've done the dumping and are checking in and seeking advice, taking some angry responses along the way, but trying to learn from the experience. I think it says a lot about the strength of character of a dumper who can take the criticism and advice, take in advice, and try to make an informed decision, going forward, whether in trying to rekindle with a dumped ex, or in future relationships, or as regards pulling back and leaving the ex alone.

 

Anyway, it sounds like you both have a lot of unfinished business.

 

As the dumpee, like your ex, I did try to get him back, and did try to retain a connection with him for the first 3 months. I still have the urge to do so many times per day, because I am struggling so much with letting him go, as well as with being angry about the abrupt/cruel way he dumped me.

 

Eternity001, how do you feel about your ex dating other men?

 

My ex told me a few weeks ago that it would be extremely difficult for him to find out, which confused me very much, since he did the dumping.

 

If it would be difficult for you, do you feel like it's an automatic "guy jealous response", ie, to realize you may truly become sexually obsolete to someone you had a deep sexual intimacy with, even if you are no longer in love with her?

 

Or if it would be difficult for you, do you feel it would be because you might lose a chance with her forever?

 

I know it's a pretty hypothetical question since you're not certain whether your feelings of regret for dumping her are temporary, or not.

 

Anyway, curious to know what you're thinking, and also, how it pans out with your meeting her.

 

Thanks again for sharing!

 

/Gossamer

 

 

 

 

I'm kind of having the same issue as you right now, Gossamer.

 

My ex has recently contact me after a month of NC, although I never asked her not to contact me it's just happened. We have been apart for 10 months and she has pushed to meet up with me or be friends for that entire time, it's just never actually happened.

 

I can't really cut her out of my life entirely because some of her crap is still at my house but, I wonder what her intentions are this time. I thought after this round of NC it was done but then she pops up again, wanting to meet and so on.

 

Supposed to meet up this weekend, if that doesn't happen I will be telling her I want no more contact.

 

I was the dumper in my situation, just for your reference.

[Eternity001]

I have accepted that she has probably been with other guys but she's also not the type to sleep with anyone. I was her first and initially upon meeting she lied to me and said she wasn't a virgin. She admitted she was a few years later, I knew anyway but didn't care.

 

I've never asked her if she's seeing anyone or been with anyone, about 2 months after we split and were still heavily in contact she messaged me about something, I forget what but after a few messages back and forth it ended with "I have to go now I'm with someone and it's rude to be messaging" she initiated that contact. She then went on to tell me she'd been with "someone" for 3 weeks but it didn't work out. It instantly made me sick and I mean literally. I called it as being crap in the end and she just wanted to hurt me so that's how I dealt with it, only took me a couple of days to get over. She has threatened to show up at my house with "someone" a few times to pick up her stuff in anger and bitterness over the 10 months. It's not in her nature, AT ALL to just be with anyone or sleep around, even during our relationship she made it quite clear that she is more than content being single, she just loved me so she was with me, makes sense.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't like to hear about it no, but I just expect that she is. She certainly wouldn't like to hear that I've slept with people since we split or been in a 5 month relationship with the person I'm currently seeing, sort of Isn't really working out for obvious reasons. My head isn't in it anymore, it was, it's not now.

 

I just find it frustrating now that she initiates contact, again and, again nothing will probably come of this meeting she wants to have. She told me she would text me to sort out a time, that was three days ago and I've heard nothing. Someone said in my thread that she sounded like their ex, just when you're moving on from them or making an effort to, they contact you just to see if you're with anyone or whatever then disappear.

 

Now I'm just at the point where I want it dealt with for my own sanity.

 

I'm afraid of seeing her because I guess, yes, part of me wonders if there is a chance and yes I miss her and still have feelings, have thought about her daily for over a month, a few months ago I couldn't have cared less so it's got me quite confused.

 

So seeing her is going to have one of two outcomes, either it's going to screw me right up or it's going to clarify that I made the right decision. I hope it's the latter so I can move on properly.

[Don Ho]

Glad my post was helpful. I know it's difficult and painful for you, but I very much believe it's the best advice. I would not normally recommend this, but given the situation that he continues to contact, you're allowed ONE five sentence text or email to him that will ONLY say this:

 

"X, I hope you understand, I have to ask you to not contact me anymore. It is way to difficult for me. I will contact you if/or when I can have a platonic friendship with you. Please box up my things (x,y,z) and let me know when you will not be there so I can pick them up. Please respecting my wishes, Gossamer".

 

It will not say you love him, miss him, wish it were different or anything else!! Factual and simple. That's it.

 

Gossamer: did you want advice or to just share stories?