Live with my boyfriend and still want to work it out, but he seems to given up

[believer_in_love]

So I have a huge problem. This is my first real relationship and it’s the most serious and longest I’ve been with someone. Basically, my boyfriend of almost 1 year and 11 months (on Nov 16), feels as if he wants to give up this relationship. I, on the other hand, do not. But the story is of course deeper.

 

We met during my junior year of college (but he didn’t go to my school), I actually had no interest in him. I did not find him attractive at all, but for whatever reason, he still ept pushing for me, taking me out on dates, wooing me. On our first date, which was after all my spring finals, he took me to Disneyland, which I thought was a very pricey first date. But we pretty much hit it off. Although I wasn’t phsycially attracted to him, I was starting to like him for we had lots of things in common from our past. Later on that week, he would be the one to drive me and my stuff all the way back to San Fnracisco where I was from, a 6-7 hour trip. I showed him my city and I decided to treat him to Cheesecake factory for his upcoming birthday, cause I didn’t plan on seeing him then, and also as a thank you for him driving me and all my stuff back home.

 

So during summer, he emailed me many times a day from work. And he actually drove up during his birthday weekend to han g out with me and bring me to Six Flag Magic Mountain where he wanted to go, (his treat still. ) Then after that, he still wanted to make one more trip to see me during the summer while I was still in SF, but I told him to just wait for when I would go back to college in September to hang out. So it’s obvious and clear that this guy was head of heels for me cause we had just met and he was already planning on coming again during his birthday weekend to celebrate with me. Mind you, we are not even together, just kinda dating, although I still wasn’t interested in him much, but more so for a male companion.

 

During the start of the senior year, he had done lots of things for me, such as drive to get a key from my new roommate because I was moving into the apartment and she was the only one with the key to our room. He also fixed my laptop, set up wireless at my apartment, got me a wireless mouse cause he thought my mouse with the cord and all its wires were messy. We still emailed often while he worked and I was in school, but every Friday night, he would take me out, and usually on Saturday and Sunday, he would come over, and we would make dinner. So naturally, I grew to like him more and more, because he was really trying hard to pursue me. We’d go on dinner dates, movies, theme parks, and he showed me to many things I’ve never seen ( I was very naïve.)

 

We eventually got together officially, but this was rather odd how we did. We were able to make love, even before we were together, but when before he did, he popped the question: “So does this mean we’re together?” And it took me the longest time to answer, cause I didn’t mind “friends with benefits,” since I didn’t really want a boyfriend, but I just said, “I guess,” just to roll with it. He was my first, and I have to say, making love is wonderful with him. Til this day, we still are doing it often. But many things happened along the way since today.

 

I found out he had been sneaking behind my back talking to other girls (girls he knew from high school and were still in high school) on Facebook, (when he had one), but he denied it becing serious. He just wanted to get back at the girls for standing him up so he was about to do the same when a girl was asking him out to her winter prom. I also found out an email he wrote to a girl which included the same poem (from a song tho), he had sent to me via email. So, now I don’t really trust this guy, and feel foolish that I was starting to like him. I also felt in my gut that this guy was too good to be true anyway. But with his looks, I felt he felt he couldn’t get girls, so he would try to woo as many as he could and see who would actually be interested.

 

One thing about him is he is very persistent, so that was something I definitely like. Where many guys would have left in situations, he stuck around. Into my spring quarter of sernior year, I had to talk about plans about what we would do once I graduated. Would I move back home to SF, and continue a long-distance relationship (he’s from around LA,) but I actually had aspirations to become an actress and wanted to live in LA area.

 

Eventaully, we heard a friend had a house in Chino Hills that we could rent out for a pretty decent price. So in order to stay together, and because I had no intentions of moving back home to a dinky-cramped up room with my sisters and all their belongings, I chose to live in Chino Hills with my boyfriend. We lived there for a good 6 months. And even then, I still had trust issues. I found that during Christmas of 2009 (while I was in SF celebrating with family), he was texting a girl with a familiar name. It was one of the girls he had talked to on Facebook or email, and my heart dropped. He ws saying really cheesey things like “I miss you,” and “you are the only one for me.” And these things he had said to me in the beginning when he was trying to woo me (which was why I felt he was too good to be true, cause he was already saying I was the one, when we just started dating, and how he would share everything with me.) Anyway, I also found out he had a facebook account by with an alias last name. On his account he only had a few girls as friends and were somewhat talking to them. Although, it wasn’t that serious, I felt he was going behind my back to create a facebook without even letting me know and instead adding other girls on to talk with them. He mentioned how the girl he was saying all those cheesey things too was a gril he wanted to get back. (Supposedy he brought her a phone and she had run up $1,000 phone bill that he had to pay off himself.) He said he wanted to make her fall in love with him, but ditch her right when it happened, so she would be hurt. But I’m thinking what be so revengeful, especially when he has me right now. It is petty to even think about those past girls. Anyway, I made sure he cut those girls off and I even saw him type up the facebook msg to her that he never was interested in her and that he was hoping to hurt her only, so she just cussed back at him and never wanted to speak with him again. I felt better seeing that he really didn’t want to be with her like that, but still felt I couldn’t’ trust him, because of all the lies he had been telling me.

 

Then a few days later, while he was at work, I did some snooping on his computer. I felt there could be something about his past I need to know about. To my heartache, I found out he seemed like a player, with so many messages to different girls. There were particular messages with one girl which I found excuriciating to read. They were having cyber sex, and were even webcaming nude. From reading this, I realized he lied to me about being a virgin. They had a wild sex life (as do us,) but the fact he kept this from me the whole time. Always had me thinking he was a virgin and that I was his first. This girl was oen of his past girlfriends but he never talked about her that much cause he claims he wanted to forget her and about his past. Anyway, I threatened to leave the relationship cause I couldn’t trust him and all his lies. But he still kept on holding on, and didn’t want me to go. We cried and talked for so long. At the same time, I really didn’t want to leave him, because realistically, where would I stay? He was paying for rent, and if I left, it would mean going back hom to SF, which I really didn’t want to do. Anyway, as each day passed, I grew to understand why he may have kept this secret away from me. Because he said he knew I’d judged him and wouldn’t give him a chance to be with him had I known he wasn’t a virgin. We bascailly stayed together, but of course in the back of my head, I felt I wasn’t able to trust him again.

 

Then during May 2010, our lease was up, and we both decided to move in back to where he lived with his family, to save money. So that’s what we did. Then I found even more secrets here, because of me snooping around and not being able to trust him. I found out he hadn’t really gone to USC or graduated top of class with Business and Neuroscience like he said he did. So when he came home that day, I gave him the chance to come out with anything that he hasn’t told me, because if he said he was done with lying, then right now would be the time to confess (even though it should not have to take me to ask him to confess.) Thing is, he came out with something else, and it was even more devasting. He told me, even the last girl he had sex was wasn’t his first. Apparently there was another girl that he had done it with, but he was 19 and very scared at the time. They only did for a few times before they ended it, but who knows, was he telling the truth. Maybe he he had done even more thing with her, and was I really to believe she was actually the first. Were there even more girls he hadn’t told me about? I was so shocked and devasted that again, it took him this long to tell me something like this. And still shocked, that he also didn’t tell me about him never graduating from college. When I brought it up, he told me he had always been wanting to mention it to me, and that it was stressing him to tell me all this time to tell me. But I felt he was just making excuses to cover himself up with his lies. Anyway, even with all these lies, which he mentioned were the last of the lies, we still stayed together. He thanked me cause he finally got everything out of his chest and now we both could really move on with the relationship and focus on bigger and better things. So because at this time already, I really did love him, and because I needed a place to stay, I still kept being with him.

 

Now, it is Nov 2010, and we are technically on a break. Why? Because he claims that he tried so hard but felt I never tried hard for the relationship. And that when I get mad at him, I push him away, and I do get very verbally abusive to him, which I admit. But it is because I feel my frustrations that I can’t trust him is why I am that way toward him. Basically we went through cycles of him not doing something/or doing something, and me questioning about it (cause of my trust issues with him), to me blowing off on him and cussing him out, to him feeling so down and sad that someone he loved would say crap about him like that, to me feeling bad and saying sorry and saying I’d never do it again. But finally, I guess 3 weeks ago, it was the last straw. I had threatened the relationship so many times, saying I will move out, saying I don’t need him, blah blah, and in the past, he would never agree to it. But finally 3 weeks ago, he actually agreed that maybe we should take a break, and maybe I should move out, because I had become so dependent on him for everything. And he also just started a position in a new job where he felt I would just be a “burden” to have me always bring up issues (due to my trust issues with him.)

 

And he also felt I didn’t know what I really have, because I also mentioned many times how he took me from experiencing other guys out there. Becaue I feel he is the one already, I was scared I’d never be able to feel what is like to be with other guys, since he was my first boyfriend. So the break seemed like it would be a good time for me to see other people, and for him to sort things out and have some alone time. However the earliest Id be able to move out would be next year in May – June 2011, because I would be doing a touring job, coming in and out each month, but still wouldn’t have time to look for a place and move everything out. So we both kinda decided that if it really came to the point that we couldn’t fix our relationship, that May-June would be the earliest I would move out.

 

Now of course, I’m actually realizing what I’ve put him through, how mean I can be to him, and how many times I’ve threatened to move out and leave the relationship, but I said all those things to test him, to see if even if I said those things, would he still stay. And before he would, but just recently, he is actually agreeing with moving out and a break. So now, when he seems to be finally given up, I am trying my hardest to not give him up. A main reason is because I’m scared to move out. Where would I go? I don’t have the income to support myself financially. He pays for my phone bill, car insurance, and he gave me a roof over my head. And of course the other reason is because I really still want to be with him. I still think of him as the one, and want a family and to grow old together as we’ve already talked about. And I hate the thought of him meeting someone new or even just dating someone for fun. I am the jealous type which I need to work on. But he also tells me even during this break or even after I move out, if I do, he doesn’t want a relationship, because he just want to focus on his career, telling me that he “wants to be somewhere at a certain age in his career.” And, he doesn’t need me being jealous and to deal with relationship issues as well.

 

So as you can see, we have a lot of issues going on, which is why this is so long and why I can’t seem to pinpoint an exact problem. What I would like is for as much feedback as possible. Because seriously, he is the only person I talk about with problems. I don’t even like to talk to my friends about problems because it’s just too much. So that’s why I’m here, Im hoping whoever reads this can tell me what I should do. Do you think its smart to still stay with him? Should I really give him his space right now (since we still sleep on the same bed, we still do it as “friends”) Keep in my mind, my next long tour will be on Nov 18th to Dec 26th and I will away from him for over a month, so because this break we are having doesn’t seem to be working, since I still show him I want to be his girlfriend and since we still have sex, then when I’m actually touring is when we can really have a break. And who knows, maybe I will find someone else, and maybe I’m just scared to leave him, but I really do still want to be with him and make it work. He mentioned this morning that perhaps a hint of him is being protective and doesn’t want to make things work because he had always been doing that in the past, but I was the one pushing away still. So he finally feels emotionally drained and exhausted.

 

SO yea, please comment and let me know what you think. Keep in mind also, that despite everything bad he’s done, like his lies, he’s done many good things. And no one is perfect, and he says he wants to be a better person too and that he will not lie about things to me again. So I am actually willing to stick it out with him, and learn how to trust him as well. I don’t care that he didn’t graduate from college or that he done it a few times with different girls before me. I just now care to be together with him. So please help advise, as I feel so alone, and torn, and don’t know what to do. Is it too early for me to ask him if he really wants me to move out in May? Should I stop pestering him about that question? Because at the same time, I'd like to know so I can prepare. I know he stills cares for me, now I just need to win him back.

[carhill]

So, what would you do if he was killed in a car wreck tomorrow?

 

Go with that.

 

I'm seeing path of least resistance, couched in the emotions of 'love'. Hopefully, others will have more specific perspective. TBH, the wall of text overwhelmed me.

[believer_in_love]

I've thought about situations like that, if one of us, were to be in a terrible accident and never be the same again, or would not come back to life, and it seriously devastated me. I feel he is the one for me and we could be happy together, and if he were to die, I'd want to go too. Sorry, I've never felt this way before. I use to be very independent and thought that people who went back to their partner after they repeatedly lied to them were stupid. Now, I admit, I feel stupid, but I am so in love as well. Even the thought of moving out, and not being with him makes me want to die. Now if you add on that he no longer is living due to some accident, why then just kill me too.

[Cratsky]

It sounds like you've lost a bit of your identity in being together with him. As you said, you were quite happy being independant prior to meeting him so what's changed? Do you still go out, see your friends and maintain your own identity, or have you somehow convinced yourself that you purely come as part of a couple?

 

He's already indicated that he doesn't want it. It takes two people to make a relationship work, but only one person to walk away for it to end.

 

Give him space and focus on grieving the end of your relationship. He might come around in 6 months time, or he might find a greater love elsewhere. You've got to move out and take at least a month to think about what you want. Hopes and dreams for a relationship are one thing to hold on to, but you've also got to grasp the reality of the situation. It's over.

 

Do you love him enough to be selfless and let him find happiness elsewhere considering he's not happy being with you? This will tell you if you're feeling sorry for yourself or if you really do love him.

 

You'll simply be drawing out the pain by analysing the past, wishing you could have done more etc. No amount of you wanting it is going to make it a reality.

 

I do feel for you. *hugs* You'll get through this. It's important for you right now to get a support network in place, talk to family/friends and find people who can comfort you (without giving you advice and telling you to simply forget him).

 

This will be slow, it will be painful but it does get better.

[believer_in_love]

Thanks Cratsky, your comment really helped and today I feel much better than yesterday. I do feel I had lost a bit of my identity if not most due to him. He's been my financial care taker for many things, and help me get my first car (even my own family doesnt have a car.) But yea Im trying to become more independent as even he had mentioned I was a lot more independent when he first met me.

 

I am giving him his space now. it was just last Friday that our break started, but we still had sex many times "as friends," but also I was denying we were on break. And we still held each other and kissed one another during this break. It's hard not to when I see him everyday, and we still on the same bed (although I had always wanted to sleep on the couch outside but opted for comfort every night instead.) But when I spoke with my friend yesterday, she knew I had to stop sleeping with him on the same bed.She said he wont think about what he misses about you if there's no difference, if you are still giving him the benefits of being his gf. So finally, yesterday, I mustered up the courage and will power to sleep on the couch. I thought about returning to the bed to sleep with him, but I knocked out finally, and sleep through it.

 

Then in the morning, he came outside, to the couch, looked over me, and I woke up cause I knew he was there. And he gave me a hug, kinda like "I missed you hug." So i was thinking "yes, its working! he's missing me. lol" And thought out the morning today, he kept on saying "Hi" to me pretending to be a shy little boy (we like to be childish sometimes, and we act like little kids.) Nothing else was said tho, but I will continue sleeping on the couch, acting like his friend and resist giving him hugs, kisses, etc, until he knows exactly what he wants.

 

And he's told me before he doesn't think anyone will be able to top our relationship or ME specially, so I think its just a break he wants right now to think. I dont know..