bassplayertn Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 So yesterday I posted on here for the first time and got to read up on the 180 idea. I even went to a support group last night called "Divorce Care" which really helped me get through the day. This morning I spoke with my wife and couldn't help but mention that I think she is making a mistake but I am going to keep working on myself at this point. She said that she doesn't think she can make it work because she will be judged by our friends who know and by herself. She cried and called herself a bad person and a whore and many other things. I told her I am glad she feels bad but that she is a good person who made a big mistake. A fixable mistake...... Is it really wrong to believe in someone so much? Yes, a mistake. Yes, it sucks! Yes, it will be hard! But when we say "for better or worse" do we mean it? Or once the "worse" shows up, do we just disregard it? I am struggling with this. I know it is her choice and I need to work on me. I get that. But I committed to this woman for better or "worse." How am I supposed to not do anything? or say anything? How do I leave the door open for her to fix it? Is the idea just crazy? Has anyone on here dealt with an affair and had it work out? I keep reading statistics saying that if you decide to work it out, 87% of marriages are stronger. I can't help but think that over a 50 year period, these last 4 months would just be a blip on the radar? Right, wrong? I am not sure......... Struggling this morning
Too Much Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 So yesterday I posted on here for the first time and got to read up on the 180 idea. I even went to a support group last night called "Divorce Care" which really helped me get through the day. This morning I spoke with my wife and couldn't help but mention that I think she is making a mistake but I am going to keep working on myself at this point. She said that she doesn't think she can make it work because she will be judged by our friends who know and by herself. She cried and called herself a bad person and a whore and many other things. I told her I am glad she feels bad but that she is a good person who made a big mistake. A fixable mistake...... Is it really wrong to believe in someone so much? Yes, a mistake. Yes, it sucks! Yes, it will be hard! But when we say "for better or worse" do we mean it? Or once the "worse" shows up, do we just disregard it? I am struggling with this. I know it is her choice and I need to work on me. I get that. But I committed to this woman for better or "worse." How am I supposed to not do anything? or say anything? How do I leave the door open for her to fix it? Is the idea just crazy? Has anyone on here dealt with an affair and had it work out? I keep reading statistics saying that if you decide to work it out, 87% of marriages are stronger. I can't help but think that over a 50 year period, these last 4 months would just be a blip on the radar? Right, wrong? I am not sure......... Struggling this morning I struggle with the same questions you raise. Moreover, what happens during the holdiays with the 180? Am I supposed to ignore christmas presents for my W? What about Thanksgiving dinner? do I invite her to spend it with my extended family? Questions....
goingstrong Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 So yesterday I posted on here for the first time and got to read up on the 180 idea. I even went to a support group last night called "Divorce Care" which really helped me get through the day. This morning I spoke with my wife and couldn't help but mention that I think she is making a mistake but I am going to keep working on myself at this point. She said that she doesn't think she can make it work because she will be judged by our friends who know and by herself. She cried and called herself a bad person and a whore and many other things. I told her I am glad she feels bad but that she is a good person who made a big mistake. A fixable mistake...... Is it really wrong to believe in someone so much? Yes, a mistake. Yes, it sucks! Yes, it will be hard! But when we say "for better or worse" do we mean it? Or once the "worse" shows up, do we just disregard it? I am struggling with this. I know it is her choice and I need to work on me. I get that. But I committed to this woman for better or "worse." How am I supposed to not do anything? or say anything? How do I leave the door open for her to fix it? Is the idea just crazy? Has anyone on here dealt with an affair and had it work out? I bassdude...it doesn't sound as if that conversation was very 180 to me...it sounds as if your still begging and pleading.
Author bassplayertn Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 I am not trying to beg and plead...... I don't feel like I presented it like that. I just want to do what is right..... Whatever that is?.... There has to be a different picture than failure.... That's how I feel....
What_Next Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I agree that conversation does not fit within the 180 bounds. Then again no one said you need to stick to it like glue. I don't know your background but can I assume there was an affair? I can only echo my situation, in a nutshell I was a lousy husband and largely ignored my wife for years. She was a lousy wife and treated me terribly. She eventually had an affair. I caught her, left her and moved into my own place. I then started seeing someone way too soon. It nearly tore my child apart and I was blinded by it. I decided last week to give her another chance. That was a week ago and BOY HAS IT BEEN HARD!!!!! Like you though I think that these past few months will eventually pass and in the end it will work out. One thing I can say with conviction is that unless you are BOTH commited 1000000000000% it won't work. You BOTH need to make that decision together first. Until that happens keep working on YOU. Stick to the 180.
goingstrong Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 . This morning I spoke with my wife and couldn't help but mention that I think she is making a mistake but I am going to keep working on myself at this point. I told her I am glad she feels bad but that she is a good person who made a big mistake. A fixable mistake...... Is it really wrong to believe in someone so much? Yes, a mistake. Yes, it sucks! Yes, it will be hard! But when we say "for better or worse" do we mean it? Or once the "worse" shows up, do we just disregard it? From an outside point of view, I think these 2 statements are not maybe begging or pleading, but very non 180ish. I used those terms for their shock value...you want to keep your dignity in front of her no matter what.
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