alexandrah Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 (edited) I’ve been dating him for the past 3 months and i have known him for the past year at work. We get along extremely well and we understand each other. He has told me that he was in a relationship with his ex boyfriend for 4 years (since he was 19) and it was the only relationship he’s ever had. He told me they broke up “early last year” and he hasn’t spoken to his ex since. I have been okay with this whole thing and i’ve moved passed from this. He was honest with me before we got into a relationship (even though it wasn’t a known thing to other people. He told me because he trusted me and he found that i was the only person that he could tell things to and felt comfortable doing so). After 3 months together, he has told me that he loves me and i love him very much as well. Our sex life is amazing and we can’t get enough of each other… i feel like he is my soul mate already… this is coming from someone who never use to believe in true love and my last relationship was 2 years ago because i was so sick of guys breaking my heart However, there are a few things wrong with him… firstly - when questioned again, he changed his story and said that his ex and him had ended things at the “end of last year” and only stopped talking in “April of this year”. (We started dating in Mid-October, so 6 months later). He also told a mutual friend that he was still attracted to men in Julyof this year…and was not seeking a relationship with a girl (two months before we started hooking up). Also, he use to be really fat and when he was with his ex - his ex would torment him about his weight and call him names, be emotionally abusive, really ruined his self-esteem and made him feel worthless. The ultimate thing his ex did was that he cheated on him with another guy and left him for that guy. Now my boyfriend has SEVERE self-esteem issues. He is obsessed with weight loss and body building… he goes to the gym everyday, runs 7kms and only eats a set diet of 3000 calories (i’m talking wholemeal pasta and brocolli. thats it, no joke). We can never go out and eat dinner because he is incredibly strict on his diet. Lastly, in addition to this - he has social anxiety…. which means he finds it difficult to go out. I like going out with my friends and clubbing and drinking…(I am only 22) But now, i feel bad because i don’t want to leave him alone. When you love someone, you can’t bear to spend time apart. I’ve introduced him to all my friends (who love him) and i’m always trying to get him to come out and make him feel comfortable but he would rather stay at home. I’ve also tried to always get him to go out with his friends (who are supportive and always call him to come out). However, he’s told me that he would rather go to the gym, than “drink and do pills” because he thinks it’ll affect his weight. My questions are this - can he really be into me and be straight after only recently breaking off all communication with his ex? and can someone really love me and turn straight so soon? I always feel like i’m a rebound and that he is only with me because he is lonely… i can’t help but question whether he truly loves me or he is using me… and also, if he is still affected by the many things that his ex did to him - does he still love and miss his ex??? If you have moved on from you ex, wouldn’t you move on from these problems?? and also, what do i do about his obsession with weight loss and bodybuilding? His body is PERFECT, i cannot stress this more to him… but he is so insistent on obtaining this “ideal body weight” but i honestly don’t believe he really does have anything ideal in mind- he just doesn’t know when to stop and its affecting our relationship. I even quote from him “he likes pushing and hurting himself”. please help!!!! Edited November 3, 2010 by alexandrah
strength-abounds Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Honey, I'm sorry to say that you are dating a gay man. Before I continue, I am not or intending to demean homosexuals. After all it is their choice. However, when a gay man has sexual relations with another gay man over 2 years then switches to women in a couple months, he is still gay. It sounds like your boyfriend has lost his identity over the breakup with his X, and is trying to find a new identity. That would explain the extreme body changing and the change of sexual orientation. On the other hand, I do not know if you're his first female encounter so I can't prejudge his motives. He may be bi-sexual. It sounds like the two of you have a close relationship so tell him your worries. Your worries are truly justified in my opinion. Just ask him and go with what he tells you. Good Luck and God Speed.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Honey, I'm sorry to say that you are dating a gay man. Before I continue, I am not or intending to demean homosexuals. After all it is their choice. However, when a gay man has sexual relations with another gay man over 2 years then switches to women in a couple months, he is still gay. Perhaps he's bi?
LoveLace Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 The two of you prefer different lifestyles...he wants to maintain his health and body image, but you want to socialize and have quality time with friends. Two very different ways of living. Does he accept and is okay with the fact that you like to go out while he doesn't? Because asking him to slack off on his health routine would be like asking you to stop going out drinking with your friends. If he accepts that your lifestyles are so different, you should try accepting it as well. But if you think you couldn't stay happy that way, you should think about exploring with men who enjoy doing the same things as you. UNLESS of course you are willing to try and share his passion with him more, by joining his gym or trying more of his health habits. Honestly, his lifestyle compared to yours is a lot more healthier, the more positive of the 2. So if anyone should make changes here, I would hope it wouldn't be him. Compromise is possible....see if he will join you and your friends for conversation and 3 drinks (for you, and no more than that)...and he doesn't have to drink with you if he doesn't want to. I suggest this because non-drinkers do NOT usually enjoy being around a group of totally wasted clubbers. But if the environment is right he might find that socializing with your friends isn't so bad. In return show more interest in his lifestyle. On a flipped note, if his anxiety is that bad it's probably related to issues of his sexuality and/or the way he's judged by strangers. Politely ask if he can work on this for you. Say it would mean a lot to you if he shared your interests at least a little more than he does now. You are not asking for him to change his lifestyle or who he is. If he becomes too uncomfortable in a social gathering, promise you will leave if he really wants to. Because even a small amount of effort would be important to you...right? And consider he might feel the same about your drinking hobby. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to cut back a little...assuming it consumes a lot of your time. As for using you and things he said before dating you, simply ask him and express the concerns nicely.
carhill Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 IMO, it sounds a lot like a psychological crisis and he's clinging to you like a life preserver. If he pursued you sexually and you both find the sex 'amazing', I doubt he's purely and instinctively gay. More likely bi or confused. You have a choice. The time you spend 'working' on this takes you away from otherwise healthy relationships which don't require 'work'. Up to you which you value more. Good luck
slownumbers81 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I'm not sure about your other questions, but in answer to the first one - your boyfriend is not straight. He didn't turn from gay to straight. He could very well be bisexual and like both men and women. Yes, bisexual men do actually exist just like bisexual women do :-p They don't turn gay or straight depending on which sex they are dating, that's why it is called bisexuality. He could be primarily into men, but what matters is if he is into you or not. Maybe if you feel comfortable you could talk to him about it?
ReturnToSender Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I dont know a single gay man who would willingly have sex with a woman. While talking about it with a friend of mine, he said from the very thought of having sex with a woman, he thinks his peter just inverted itself never to be seen again....theres no interest attraction, curiosity or desire, much like a straight man would feel about having sex with another man. Im going to venture to guess your bf is bi- not gay... its not something you choose or turn into. Beyond all of that, and the issue at hand I think since you seem to be alright with it that he had a same-sex relationship in his past, his issues with self-esteem are pretty major. And yeah, its entirely possible that there isnt closure there for him with his ex, cause it seems like hes still living his life in a way as if hes trying to get that approval from him that he didnt get when they were together. My friends bf had a huge social anxiety problem, and that was a huge crutch in their relationship...I cant begin to imagine how to deal with that. On top of that the eating disorder... So much going on. Too much going on...
TheMENemy Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 We can never go out and eat dinner because he is incredibly strict on his diet. Surely a truly gay man would have a little bit more flair in the kitchen.
sanskrit Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I dont know a single gay man who would willingly have sex with a woman. Just because your friend won't doesn't mean gay men don't have sex with women. Have known several who would regularly have sex with women.
ReturnToSender Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Just because your friend won't doesn't mean gay men don't have sex with women. Have known several who would regularly have sex with women. If several of your gay friends are regularly having sex with women, how are they gay exactly? Or are they gay women? Now that would make sense! But I digress...it just seems we have different definitions of what it means to be gay I suppose.
Pfiend101 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 We can never go out and eat dinner because he is incredibly strict on his diet. Surely a truly gay man would have a little bit more flair in the kitchen. LOL
Author alexandrah Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Thanks for your response guys. I really appreciate the time and effort you have put in responding to my message. Yes, i am his first "real" girlfriend relationship. He has had other relationships before with girls, but they were in high school and they didn't do more than hold hands. He started dated his best friend when he was 19 and they were together for 4 years. Apparently, when they were together, he never let his ex boyfriend penetrate him.... The way he describes it with me though, and to explain why he isn't gay, is that he said "it felt way better with me, and that he has never been with a girl so being with his ex boyfriend was all he had ever known". I don't make him drink. I always tell him to come out, and not drink... i do not want him to change himself but i want him to start seeing his friends because i believe one day he will regret neglecting his friends. I honestly agree with the body building because it is healthy and i wish i could be dedicated and go the gym everyday too. However, its come to a point where it appears to have gone above obsession. He admitted that he pursued me sexually at first and then fell for me. I do believe he is bi-sexual, rather than completely straight. But i'm stll confused... i don't even know if this makes sense. He tells me he loves me and we get along so well, but i have no idea whether we have mistaken this... I've asked for a break to clear my head. He responded by saying he "didn't believe in breaks because when he was on a break with his ex, his ex had cheated on him and it wasn't temporary...". I don't want to break up with him but this is all making me so unhappy and anxious. But deep inside me, i do think he loves me and only wants to be with me... and isn't using me as a rebound.
Alexanda Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Mmmm...not a good situation. I agree with the first person who posted you are dating a gay man or he may be bisexual. He also lied about when he stopped talking/dating his ex and admitted to someone else that he is still attracted to men. Which are RED flags. How do you know he is not using you as a rebound? Maybe he is using you to convince himself that he really isnt gay anymore.
LoveLace Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Mmmm...not a good situation. I agree with the first person who posted you are dating a gay man or he may be bisexual. He also lied about when he stopped talking/dating his ex and admitted to someone else that he is still attracted to men. Which are RED flags. How do you know he is not using you as a rebound? Maybe he is using you to convince himself that he really isnt gay anymore. I'm thinking he's bisexual. The OP never said that he swore he was straight now...I think? It would be no surprise to me if he said he was still attracted to men, when he dated them, after all. Clearly he is attracted to women, too. But weather or not he belongs in this relationship is different, they don't seem to have much in common, and he seems to be in a place of struggling to find his identity. Those are the reasons it doesn't seem to work, more so than the fact that he's bi or gay..
Lauriebell82 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I think he is bisexual as well. Has he sought counseling for his eating disorder (because that's what it is). I used to be like that also when I was recovering from binge eating disorder, I would do ONLY low carb, never eat any kind of food other then low carb food. I worked out so much I would pass out because my body couldn't handle it. These self esteem issues of his are fueling his behavior, so counseling would be a great step. However, he needs to be ready and willing to do so. Your support would probably be great for him. I would be more worried about his health then his sexual preference. If he is into you sexually and have no problems in the bedroom then I would not be TOO worried about it.
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