Mellisa Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I'll go first-i am.. Honestly,it has been bothering me for a while now.Just turned the big 25 and still a virgin..now i feel kinda like a weirdo sometimes.Had planed to wait for the right guy to give my first time but didnt expect it to take this long and still havent found any...I was a late bloomer when it comes to dating and have only started out in the past 2 years.Havent really met any guy with whom i was 100% sure so i waited while the guys started losing interest and i ended up chalking them to "he's just not that into you" and kept hoping next guy would be more into me but so far havent seen that happen yet.I'm 25 now, still a virgin and have never been in a relationship(consider myself above averagely attractive although not drop dead gorgeous or super model hot) Sometimes i wonder would it make any difference if i had sex with some of them,some of them who i had feelings for but who probably didnt have a chance to develop more feelings for me since we didnt have sex..Now it's more like i just want to find someone who i can lose my virginity to yet that isnt easy cause i still hold these ideals of who i should and how i should lose it to.If i just have sex for the sake of having it,i'll feel like i've sold myself out cheap and have lost my values and ideals.I dont ever want to regret losing it to the wrong guy.It's like you can always lose it as long as you have it so why the rush?If i still have it, i get to think the best part is still ahead of me and i have something to look forward to.However, at the same time,i started doubting whether such a man and such timing exists.What if there is no perfect man to lose it to, what if there is never a perfect time for it? And then before i know it, my best dating years slip by and i'll be in my 30s still a virgin but at that time more desperate and less physically attractive probably?Life is short, and now i feel like i'm wasting these years not enjoying my fair share of sex while most others do... So my questions are-especially to the men here 1.What do you think of dating a virign?How would you date them? 2.Do guys really need sex to feel intimacy?How long would you wait for sex with a virgin? 3.Any advice for me in this situation?Is it really a big deal?Can i do it with someone i'm attracted to but with no long term potential?Or someone who i'm into but who probably isnt that into me?Or should i just let it happen with the next guy when caught up in the moment? Any advice from girls who's been there would also be great:)
carhill Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 1.What do you think of dating a virgin?How would you date them? - Pretty much like any other potential. The only difference from my POV would be some additional sensitivity regarding issues surrounding sex. 2.Do guys really need sex to feel intimacy?How long would you wait for sex with a virgin? -Many do. For myself, sexual desire flows from intimacy. As a young man, I would have waited a goodly while, perhaps even to marriage, if the *intimacy* was there. As an older, divorced man, not so much. 3.Any advice for me in this situation?Is it really a big deal?Can i do it with someone i'm attracted to but with no long term potential?Or someone who i'm into but who probably isnt that into me?Or should i just let it happen with the next guy when caught up in the moment? -In retrospect, IME, not a big deal, if it comes as part of dating versus waiting for the love of your life and marriage. I think you should feel overwhelmingly positive about the person and experience prior to making the choice to give yourself to them in that way. Talk about it with the person. I was a virgin until 35.
nice-easy-day Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 You're going to get different responses to this. If I was really into you as a person I would be willing to wait as long as it takes and would be happy waiting while building a LTR. If I was just looking for a fling (like I did in my younger years) I wouldn't even bother with you. I was a virgin till 21 years of age. I felt it was more like a burden than anything else and didn't mind losing it at all I suggest you wait till you find someone who you feel in love with. Once you lose it, it's gone hun.
Els Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 When you say 'sex', what exactly do you mean? Vaginal intercourse, or any form of sexual/physical intimacy whatsoever, including mere touching of genitals? What are your 'ideals of who and how you should lose it to'? I'm 24, haven't had vaginal intercourse, although I've done lots of other sexually-related stuff that the average missionary fan wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Will probably still be one for at least the next 6 months due to JUST having managed to start off on the Gardasil jabs. Nobody I've been with has ever cared. Then again, I've only been with 3 guys, all lasting at least 8 months or more, and they aren't exactly within the normal spectrum of college frat boys. I suppose the only difference my virginity made was that they were even more afraid to have me lose it to them if they weren't going to marry me (bless their semi-traditional Asian souls), thus I might have had more vaginal intercourse later on if I hadn't been a virgin to begin with.
musemaj11 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 (edited) Everyone is different. But I think virginity is overrated. It is just as important as you want to make it to be. The special reverence toward the concept of virginity for women in particular, came from a time when a woman's worth was based on her chastity. Today the custom is no longer there but the line of thinking still remains. Personally, I would only wanna be with a virgin if I had so strong emotional connection with her that I would be willing to put up with someone who would be awful in bed. Edited November 3, 2010 by musemaj11
carhill Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Personally, I would only wanna be with a virgin if I felt exceptionally strong emotional connection with her because its guaranteed that she would suck in bed. Elswyth, as an intercourse virgin but being sexually experienced, what's your perspective on that? TBH, I never told my first lover anything about being a virgin and she, logically, assumed I wasn't and it was a non-issue. The sexual part of the R went fine. Other parts, not so much. Like Elswyth, I was an intercourse virgin but sexually experienced in areas other than intercourse.
Els Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Personally, I would only wanna be with a virgin if I had so strong emotional connection with her that I would be willing to put up with someone who would be awful in bed. Huh. If your emotional connection with MOST women that you have relationships with isn't even strong enough to counterbalance the need to spend a few weeks teaching her the tricks of the trade, it probably isn't strong enough to deal with any of the potential problems a LTR might pose anyway. Why bother? Frankly though, I think experience is overrated. People are so different that each time you have a new partner, you'll have to relearn things and use different methods anyway. Some like teeth on their bj, some don't. Some women like clitoral, some vaginal, some anal, some all three. Some guys like direct contact on the penis head, others are too sensitive.
carhill Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 LOL, I just caught the reasoning for the edit - 'suck' versus 'awful'. Sucking can be good
Els Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Elswyth, as an intercourse virgin but being sexually experienced, what's your perspective on that? TBH, I never told my first lover anything about being a virgin and she, logically, assumed I wasn't and it was a non-issue. The sexual part of the R went fine. Other parts, not so much. Like Elswyth, I was an intercourse virgin but sexually experienced in areas other than intercourse. I assumed in the first place that when most people say virgin, they mean virgin-virgin and not just 'have done everything except had my hymen broken' virgin. Other than that, I daresay my lack of experience in vaginal sex may possibly lead to a slightly higher learning curve in the department of vaginal sex (and probably a few un-fun sessions involving easing the penis in reaaalllly slowwwllyy), but if a guy can't be bothered to deal with that, I certainly can't be bothered to have sex with him.
carhill Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Also, Elswyth's response underscores the reality that there are many 'levels' of virginity and the word can, in some cases, be a misnomer of actual interest, skill and experience. Stereotypes are meant to be shattered. OP, what's your take on this? How experienced are you as a virgin?
red_cloud Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 OP, you're in an interesting situation. I was in a very similar dilemma myself, although I was 22 at the time. I was a virgin as well and wanted to find the right guy but I just wasn't finding him. Eventually I lost it to the wrong guy and the relationship fizzled quickly after. I was very upset for a month and "felt used", but then got over it. Eventually it made no difference in my life other that the weight of the "embarrassment" went away when there was a potential for something to develop with a guy. Honestly, if things don't work out, the feeling of being used or upset doesn't go away whether it's the first guy or the tenth guy that you've been with. My most memorable experiences have been with the guys that I've been with later on, not earlier, so unlike a lot of people, I def don't buy into the "it needs to be special thing". And the other thing that no one ever mentions is that, at least for me, for the first few years, the sex really sucked. This is because most guy already don't know what they are doing, and I was inexperienced and shy on top of that. It really took me a few years to get comfortable with myself to get to a point where I could understand why people are obsessed with sex. So my pov might be different from lots of other people, but I just decided that I didn't want to hold on to that card anymore and found someone who was suitable. Not the ideal situation, but I was okay with it. So I say, do whatever it is you are more comfrotable with. If being a virgin at your age is such a stigma for you that it makes you uncomfortable to get close to men that you really like, then it might not be worth holding on to it.
musemaj11 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Huh. If your emotional connection with MOST women that you have relationships with isn't even strong enough to counterbalance the need to spend a few weeks teaching her the tricks of the trade, it probably isn't strong enough to deal with any of the potential problems a LTR might pose anyway. Why bother? A few weeks you say? Yeah right. It takes years of sexual experience for many if not most women to even feel comfortable sexually. I dont have time to teach a girl from zero what to do in bed just like most if not all women dont want to have to teach a guy from zero what to do in bed. I once had a virgin gf. I really really liked her because I felt very comfortable in her company. But we never had sex because I didnt want to. The thought of having to tutor her just made me lose it. But despite that, I was still really crazy about her.
always_searching Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 *raises hand* Girl, I'm 25, and do I ever understand your pain. I don't really date, because I really don't want a long term relationship and all the men who like me do. The men I like are all unavailable for one reason or another, and I can't seem to get rid of the Big V! I just want sex and want it with someone I care about. It shouldn't be too much to ask, but, I swear, God won't let me lose it. Seriously, I've come close a couple of times, but, alas. I can't seem to give it away. I mean, come on! I am a no-strings attached person who doesn't want a relationship, just wants a night or two (or three) of really good and crazy sex. And NO ONE will take me up on it?! I think people don't believe me when I say "no-strings attached." I mean, I do want it to be a more "friend with benefits" thing, rather than a "one night stand", which implies that I be friends with the person, but I'm not going to turn into Glenn Close, or anything--boiling bunnies and such! :mad: Whew. I'm glad I got all that off my chest. Now, I'm headed to confession.
carhill Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I am a no-strings attached person who doesn't want a relationship, just wants a night or two (or three) of really good and crazy sex.And NO ONE will take me up on it?! Watch your PM box fill up
musemaj11 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I don't really date, because I really don't want a long term relationship and all the men who like me do. Why not just have a relationship with one of them and see where it goes? Whats your issue with relationship?
musemaj11 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 And the other thing that no one ever mentions is that, at least for me, for the first few years, the sex really sucked. This is because most guy already don't know what they are doing, and I was inexperienced and shy on top of that. It really took me a few years to get comfortable with myself to get to a point where I could understand why people are obsessed with sex. Exactly my point. Having sex with a girl who is still uncomfortable sexually is AWFUL. The learning curve is much longer for women than men due to psychological reason. I would be with a virgin for pure emotional reason, but Im gonna pass on the sex part.
Els Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 A few weeks you say? Yeah right. It takes years of sexual experience for many if not most women to even feel comfortable sexually. I dont have time to teach a girl from zero what to do in bed just like most if not all women dont want to have to teach a guy from zero what to do in bed. I once had a virgin gf. I really really liked her because I felt very comfortable in her company. But we never had sex because I didnt want to. The thought of having to tutor her just made me lose it. But despite that, I was still really crazy about her. *shrugs* Took me less than a week to give pretty decent oral sex. Isn't exactly rocket science. As to how long it takes to feel comfortable, it really depends more on the woman than her experience. A woman who has had one partner of years but infrequent sex will likely be less comfortable sexually than a woman who masturbates frequently but has not had any sexual partners.
Author Mellisa Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Elswyth, as an intercourse virgin but being sexually experienced, what's your perspective on that? TBH, I never told my first lover anything about being a virgin and she, logically, assumed I wasn't and it was a non-issue. The sexual part of the R went fine. Other parts, not so much. Like Elswyth, I was an intercourse virgin but sexually experienced in areas other than intercourse. Me too, an intercourse virgin in that way.It's not like i'm gonna choke or freeze when it comes to being sextual...I've enjoyed the other stuffs with some of the guys but so far havent let them cross the sex line yet.Sometimes i think it's a little unfair to them that i want to get a bit sextual but just wont let them go inside of me because of the virginity thing..
somedude81 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Havent really met any guy with whom i was 100% sure so i waited while the guys started losing interest and i ended up chalking them to "he's just not that into you" and kept hoping next guy would be more into me How long do you expect a guy to wait for? Why do you, want to make guys wait?
Author Mellisa Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Huh. If your emotional connection with MOST women that you have relationships with isn't even strong enough to counterbalance the need to spend a few weeks teaching her the tricks of the trade, it probably isn't strong enough to deal with any of the potential problems a LTR might pose anyway. Why bother? Well said! that's what i thought too.It's those who just want to get into your pants that i've tried to watch out for.
always_searching Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Why not just have a relationship with one of them and see where it goes? Whats your issue with relationship? It's too much work. I mean, in relationships, you have to deal with clinginess and jealousy, and crap that I just don't want to deal with from him or myself.
red_cloud Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 *shrugs* Took me less than a week to give pretty decent oral sex. Isn't exactly rocket science. As to how long it takes to feel comfortable, it really depends more on the woman than her experience. A woman who has had one partner of years but infrequent sex will likely be less comfortable sexually than a woman who masturbates frequently but has not had any sexual partners. That's very true, but I think you are the exception than the norm. I also had a friend who didn't lose her virginity until her mid-20's, but she was so just sexual and out there, that I think she had anal sex a few days after she had regular sex. The only reason why it took her so long to lose it was because she was slightly overweight so it was hard to find a guy when she was younger. However, this is not the case with most women. Especially for the decent looking normal ones in their 20's, it's usually because they are shy or are uncomfortable with themselves. So it actually does take a while. And especially if the girl isn't sexual herself, it take a while a to figure it out too sometimes. I mean, there are women who's had tons of sex and still can't figure out how to make themselves orgasm. Imagine one who hasn't had any. The are the girls that you just stick it in them and they come - but those aren't the norm.
Els Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I honestly think any woman with access to modern education and the internet (and a healthy dose of sexual curiousity to begin with) in their 20s will at least have some sexual knowledge and experience with themselves. Those who don't, will not simply because they are not interested, not because of how many or how few men they have had before. I was 18+ when I first had that sexual experience that I mentioned above. It really wasn't rocket science.
Author Mellisa Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 How long do you expect a guy to wait for? Why do you, want to make guys wait? I want my first time to mean something.And let's fact it, there are many guys who are only after sex these days, at leaset that's what i think-you guys feel free to correct me if i'm wrong on that.I have to be careful enough so to screen out these guys.There are guys that can come on strong,go the distance only to get laid..it takes time to get to know someone and to know if they really care for you.I've been attracted to a few guys, did feel tempted and then i was like"wait a minute,he doesnt care for you..".Is it ok for me to say i want to give it to a guy who has proven he cares,someone who can appericate it's my first time?I want my first time to mean something both to myself and to the other person.
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